LIBRARY^) 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIFORNIA  I 

SAN  DIEGO 


presented  to  the 
UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
SAN  DIEGO 

by 

DR.  &  MRS.  W  L  GARTH 


© 

sacrifices. 


—EMERSON. 


GOOD  MANNERS 

FOR 

ALL  OCCASIONS 

INCLUDING     ETIQUETTE     OF     CARDS,     WEDDING 
ANNOUNCEMENTS   AND    INVITATIONS 

BY 

MARGARET  E.  SANGSTER 


NEW    YORK 

CUPPLES  &  LEON  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1904,  by  Louis  KLOPSCH 


Copyright,  1910,  by 
COFFLES  &  LEON  COMPANY 


ftp 

Btjara  to  ICtumt 
10  to  Afcntre  and  Hone. 
IHr0.  Uouia 


l) 


Qami^'S  must  atiorn  ImotulrDgf , 
ana  smoott)  its  toap  ttjrouglj 
tfjf  ujorio,  iitUr  a  great  rouglj  Dta^ 
monD,  it  map  Do  farrr  lorll  in  a  closet 
Up  toap  of  curto0ttpt  anD  also  for  its 
intrinsic  fcaltte ;  but  it  mill  nrbrr  be 
*  nor  sftinr,  if  it  is  not  polisljr D, 

—CHESTERFIELD. 


FOREWORD 


A  BOOK  is  the  better  for  a  preface,  just  as  a  house 
is  the  finer  for  a  porch.  People  sometimes  tell  me 
they  omit  reading  an  author's  preface.  How  can 
they  be  so  rude?  They  might  as  well  omit  a  bow 
when  introduced  to  a  new  acquaintance.  I  make 
a  point  of  reading  the  prefaces  written  by  other 
people,  and,  Gentle  Reader,  I  am  sure  you  will  read 
mine. 

This  book  is  a  plain-spoken  treatise  or  talk  on 
the  ways  in  vogue  in  good  society,  the  society  to 
which  you  and  I  belong.  It  is  a  friendly  book,  and 
it  will  fit  into  any  hour  of  leisure  a  busy  woman 
may  happen  to  have.  A  busy  man  may  find  some- 
thing in  it  for  him,  too,  if  he  take  the  trouble  to 
look.  Like  little  Jack  Horner,  you  may  put  in 
your  thumb  and  pull  out  a  plum  anywhere  in  this 
particular  pie. 

Some  books  are  offended  if  you  do  not  approach 
them  with  grave  looks,  and  give  them  your  close 
attention.  They  turn  a  cold  shoulder  on  you  if  you 


viii  FOREWORD 

lose  your  place.  They  demand  that  you  give  your- 
self up  to  them  wholly.  Other  books  do  not  mind 
if  you  run  into  their  shelter  when  you  can,  and  stay 
until  somebody  calls  you  from  upstairs,  "  Mother, 
mother,  hurry  here,  please,"  or  from  downstairs, 
"Please  come  soon,  dearest;  the  syrup  has  boiled 
over  in  the  oven!"  This  is  that  sort  of  book.  It 
has  a  message  for  you,  and  you  may  listen  and 
consider,  and  maybe  learn  a  little  lesson  or  two  by 
heart,  precisely  when  it  is  most  convenient  to 
yourself. 

Some  books  are  out  of  place  except  on  the  stateliest 
shelf  in  the  library.  Some  books  are  proud  and 
haughty  and  not  satisfied  except  on  the  parlor  table. 
Other  books  like  to  stay  where  you  stay,  and  slip  down 
beside  you  while  you  sew,  or  lie  near  you  on  a  stand 
in  the  sitting  room,  among  the  flowers  and  the 
homely  furniture,  and  near  the  baby's  cradle.  This 
is  that  sort  of  book,  too;  it  hopes  to  be  your  daily 
companion  and  friendly  adviser,  whispering  just 
what  to  do,  and  how  and  when  to  do  whatever  is  to 
be  done,  at  the  fireside,  on  the  journey,  and  among 
the  neighbors. 

The  accepted  etiquette  of  courtship  and  marriage 
is  treated  here,  so  the  book  is  for  the  lover  and  the 
girl  he  loves,  for  the  wife  and  the  husband  who 


FOREWORD  ix 

cherishes  her  fondly,  having  gained  his  heart's 
desire. 

The  etiquette  of  entertainment,  of  social  inter- 
course, of  correspondence,  and  of  happy  living  is 
carefully  outlined,  and  is  derived  not  from  hasty 
impressions  but  from  the  highest  authorities  in 
Europe  and  America. 

Here,  too,  is  a  chapter  touching  reverently 
mourning  customs,  funerals,  and  the  behavior 
appropriate  in  hours  of  sadness  and  in  the  shadow 
of  affliction. 

No  mention  is  made  in  this  book  of  the  etiquette 
of  certain  forms  of  amusement  about  which  many 
good  people  are  divided  in  opinion.  Dancing  and 
card-playing  and  theater-going  are  approved  by 
some  and  condemned  by  others,  and  whether  or 
not  one  may  engage  in  them  is  a  question  to  be 
settled  by  the  individual  conscience.  As  the  greater 
number  of  those  who  will  read  this  book  find  other 
recreations  sufficient  for  their  hours  of  leisure,  and 
as  they  do  not  necessarily  enter  into  the  domain  of 
good  manners,  nor  practically  affect  the  daily  life 
of  our  homes,  these  particular  amusements  are 
omitted  in  this  volume. 

Let  me  add  that  no  allusion  is  made  in  this  volume 
to  wine  at  the  table,  or  to  any  form  of  hospitality 


x  FOREWORD 

which  is  even  remotely  allied  to  the  custom  of  mod- 
erate drinking.  In  the  view  of  those  to  whom  this 
book  is  offered,  total  abstinence  is  safe  and  inebriety 
a  sin.  alcoholic  beverages  being  permissible  only  and 
strictly  when  ordered  as  medicine  by  reputable 
physicians. 

To  a  host  of  friends,  dearly  beloved,  far  and  near, 
I  commend  this  book,  sent  to  each  with  a  personal 
greeting,  and  good  wishes  for  all  the  year  round. 

MARGARET  E.  SANGSTER. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  I 

PAGE 

A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS. — Manner  and  manners — 
Table  manners — Table  etiquette — Manners  may  change — 
The  basis  of  good  form — A  complaint  box, i 

CHAPTER  II 

CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS. — Little  courtesies — Children  and  hired 
help — The  children  and  the  school — The  children's  money— 
The  old  and  the  young — Children  and  guests — Good  manners 
in  the  church — Some  other  hints n 

CHAPTER  III 

GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING. — Getting  ready  for  the  road — 
Anticipate,  do  not  forebode — On  packing  a  trunk — What  to 
do  in  a  sleeper — Traveling  by  sea — A  few  useful  don'ts — 
Standard  time — Who  pays  a  lady's  fare? — About  seats  in 
cars — A  minor  infliction — Stopping  at  a  hotel — Hotel  eti- 
quette for  women — Some  rules  of  the  road 23 

CHAPTER  IV 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE. — The  typewriter — A  good 
letter — Forms  of  salutation  and  conclusion — The  signature — 
When  in  mourning — Sealing,  stamping,  and  directing  let- 
ters— Letters  of  introduction — Invitations  and  announce- 
ments— Letters  of  condolence — Acknowledging  letters  of 
condolence — Children's  letters — Hints  to  young  girls  ...  46 
Correct  forms  of  Correspondence 571 

CHAPTER  V 

CONCERNING  INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS. — Riding, 
its  etiquette — Driving,  its  secrets — Walking,  its  pleasures — 
Entering  a  carriage — About  paying  a  visit  for  the  first 
time — It  all  depends  on  the  place — Tips  to  the  maids — 
Monopolizing  the  talk — By  way  of  a  summary — Salutations  58 


xii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  VI 

PAGE 

CONCERNING  COURTSHIP. — Chaperonage — Friends  merely — Mis- 
construes ordinary  attentions — On  the  other  hand — The 
moods  of  girls — Whom  to  marry — The  question  of  finance — 
Opposition  of  relatives — December  courts  May — The  mar- 
riage of  convenience — "My  face  is  my  fortune" — Compati- 
bility— An  engaged  pair — Etiquette  of  the  man's  people — A 
broken  engagement — Useful  maxims  for  married  and  single — 
In  case  of  the  fair  one's  refusal — In  the  matter  of  a  proposal — 
Should  a  lady  ever  break  her  engagement — If  a  man  asks 
release 75 

CHAPTER  VII 

GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE. — The  groom's  wardrobe — The 
bride's  trousseau — The  family — Etiquette  between  husbands 
and  wives — The  wife's  duty — The  husband's  duty — The 
wedding  ring — The  bride's  bouquet — Wedding  cake — The 
wedding  gown — The  bridegroom's  gift  to  the  bride — The 
wedding  journey — The  home-coming — Shall  the  bride  say 
'  'obey"  ? — Each  sex  the  complement  of  the  other — Wedding 
presents — Wedding  cards — A  country  wedding — A  home 
wedding — The  marriage  license — As  to  the  marriage  certifi- 
cate— The  two  mothers — A  church  wedding — A  list  of  wed- 
ding anniversaries 113 

CHAPTER  VIII 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY. — Some  pleasant  games — The 
traveler's  tour — Crambo — Conversation  in  the  family — Other 
little  points  of  family  manners — Home-comings — In  the  in- 
valid's chamber — A  shut-in — If  the  hired  help  are  ill — Good 
manners  between  parlor  and  kitchen — Some  suggestions 
about  dress — Colors  that  contrast  and  harmonize — A  boy's 
dress — Hints  to  women 138 

CHAPTER  IX 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  (RECEPTIONS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC.). — 
The  guest  chamber — Good  manners  for  the  guest — Children 
at  the  table — Receptions 155 


CONTENTS  xiii 

CHAPTER  X 

PAGE 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING. — Setting  a  table — The  proces- 
sion to  dinner — The  table  talk — Incumbent  on  dinner  guests — 
The  table  linen — A  little  dinner — A  ladies'  luncheon — A  club 
luncheon — Rules  of  table  etiquette  for  everyone  ....  167 

CHAPTER  XI 

GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST. — Good  manners  and  the  morning 
toilette — Good  manners  at  dinner— Grace  at  a  meal — Desserts 
for  every  day — A  word  to  the  carver 180 

CHAPTER  XII 

THE  ETIQUETTE  OF.  THE  VISITING  CARD. — Size  of  card — Etiquette 
at  calls — Social  calls  for  men — Cabalistic  letters — Engaged, 
or  not  at  home — New  Year's  calls — How  soon  must  one  return 
a  first  call? — Calls  and  calling  .  .  , 191 

CHAPTER  XIII 

MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE. — Cremation  or 
burial — Funerals — Funeral  music — Sunday  funerals — Flow- 
ers at  a  funeral — Gloves — The  dress  of  pallbearers — Crape 
on  the  door — Mingling  with  the  world  again — Useful  sugges- 
tions— Servants'  mourning 204 

CHAPTER  XIV 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES. — George 
Washington's  rules  of  conduct — Other  public  places — How 
to  behave  in  a  library — How  to  behave  in  a  museum — In 
the  zoological  garden — Good  manners  in  a  crowd — Good  man- 
ners in  hotels — Shopping — Street  etiquette  ......  221 

CHAPTER  XV 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CONVERSATION. — Common  errors — Etiquette 

of  conversation 231 

CHAPTER  XVI 

CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN. — The  etiquette  of   the   capital — 

Correct  dress  for  men — The  bachelor  as  a  host    ....      240 


xiv  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  XVII 

PAGE 

MORE  ABOUT  CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE. — Shall  we  give  a  children's 
party? — Christmas — The  Christmas  tree — The  Sunday  school 
festival — A  Christmas  basket — Good  manners  in  charity — 
Gifts  to  missions  and  church  work — Entertainment  for  chil- 
dren— Two  or  three  games ,  .  351 

CHAPTER  XVI II 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  BUSINESS  RELATIONS. — The  attitude  of  the 
young  woman  in  business  to  the  men  around  her — Good 
manners  elsewhere 264 

CHAPTER  XIX 

GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  ALL  BY  OURSELVES. — Husband  and  wife — 

Courtesy  to  the  aged 268 

CHAPTER  XX 

HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY. — The  debutante — The 
daughter  of  the  house — A  christening — Fashions  in  names — 
To  recapitulate — Remember,  we  pass  this  way  but  once  .  .  274 

CHAPTER  XXI 

WHEN  HOMES  ARE  TRANSPLANTED. — Who  shall  make  the  first 
call? — Etiquette  for  the  pastor's  wife — The  first  call  in  a  new 
place 283 

CHAPTER  XXII 

SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS. — Dress  for  school 
girls — The  care  of  clothes — To  protect  gloves  and  shoes — 
The  predatory  moth — Fine  laces — Jewelry — Everyday  dress 
for  busy  women — Rainy-day  dress — Fans  and  parasols — 
Dress  for  elderly  ladies — A  lady  of  the  olden  time — The  old 
woman  in  society — Homespun  and  satin — A  common  blun- 
der— Sincerity 287 

CHAPTER  XXIII 
RECIPROCITY  IN   MANNERS 310 


CONTENTS  xv 

CHAPTER  XXIV 

PAGE 

WOMEN   OF  AFFAIRS 313 

CHAPTER  XXV 
OUTDOOR    GAMES 317 

CHAPTER  XXVI 

ODDS  AND  ENDS. — The  painfully  diffident 323 

CHAPTER  XXVII 

CHRISTMAS    AND    OTHER    ANNIVERSARIES. — New  |  Year — Lent — 

Easter — Fourth  of  July — Hallowe'en — Thanksgiving   .     .    .      330 

CHAPTER  XXVI 1 1 

MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY. — A  quotation  from 
Jane  Austen — Nineteenth  Century  good  society — Women  the 
dictators — Woman  or  lady? 339 

CHAPTER  XXIX 

JUST  AMONG  OURSELVES. — A  chapter  for  nervous  people — Early 

rising — Wasting  time 349 

CHAPTER  XXX 
TRICKS  AND  GESTURES. — Handshaking 356 

CHAPTER  XXXI 
MANNERS  IN  A  COUNTRY  HOME 360 

CHAPTER  XXXII 
OTHER  CIVILIZATIONS 364 

CHAPTER  XXXIII 

THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME. — The  treatment  of  servants — Living 

at  ease 368 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


MRS.  SANGSTER  AT  HOME FRONTISPIECE 

AFTERNOON  TEA Facing  page  176 

CHILDREN'S  PARTY «•  «•  256 

CHRISTMAS  TREE •«  •«  256 

CUTTING  THE  CAKE •«  «•  80 

DINNER  TABLE ««  ••  176 

GUEST  CHAMBER , ••  ««  160 

LIBRARY ««  ««  160 

Music  LESSONS ••  ••  16 

PREPARING  FOR  THE  WEDDING ••  "  80 

RAY  OF  SUNSHINE  FOR  THE  OLD  FOLKS "  '•  16 

WEDDING  BREAKFAST ••  •*  136 

WEDDING  MARCH •*  "  na 


Good  Manners  for  All  Occasions 


i 

A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS 

ONE  hears  good  people  speak  of  politeness  with  a  certain 
contempt,  as  if  it  did  not  matter  in  the  least  whether  one's 
manners  were  fine,  if  only  one's  morals  were  irreproachable. 
"His  heart  is  all  right,  but  he  is  a  diamond  in  the  rough," 
I  heard  a  friend  say  of  another.  It  was  well  that  the  first 
statement  could  honestly  be  made,  but  a  pity  that  the  second 
had  to  be  added.  For  there  can  be  few  greater  misfortunes 
on  the  journey  of  life  than  to  have  either  bad  manners,  rude 
manners,  or  no  manners  at  all.  The  very  word  "politeness" 
carries  with  it  a  hidden  meaning  of  elegance,  and  of  the  ease 
that  is  acquired  by  mingling  with  one's  fellows ;  for  it  springs 
from  the  Latin  polio,  "I  smooth,"  and  smoothness  is  gained, 
not  by  seclusion,  but  by  the  attrition  of  the  city,  by  the  reci- 
procity that  needs  must  be  exercised  where  people  meet  one 
another  often,  and  there  must  be  mutual  concessions,  that 
there  may  be  peace  and  agreeable  living  together.  A  rough 
diamond  is  valuable,  of  course,  but  its  value  is  greatly  in- 
creased when  the  tool  of  a  cunning  workman  has  brought  out 
its  beautiful  possibilities,  shown  the  immortal  fire  under  the 
shinmg  surface,  and  made  every  point  a  star.  Men  who  have 
been  obliged  to  dwell  apart,  to  delve  in  mines,  or  cut  the  first 


2  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

roads  round  steep  mountains,  or  live  in  the  loneliness  of 
lumber  camps  away  from  women,  sometimes  grow  rough 
and  curt,  or,  it  may  even  be,  boorish.  And  this  is  a  very  great 
calamity.  Still,  if  early  training  is  careful,  and  children  learn 
to  practice  politeness  in  the  home,  the  habit  is  apt  to  stick,  let 
future  circumstances  be  happy  or  the  reverse.  A  man  need 
not  be  discourteous  because  he  has  little  chance  to  indulge  in 
the  gracious  and  graceful  amenities  of  life.  If,  as  a  small 
child,  good  manners  were  so  taught  him  that  they  became  a 
part  of  his  very  nature  he  will  never  forget  them. 

Men  and  women  in  the  intercourse  of  the  family  and  in 
good  society  are  expected  to  be  kind,  gentle,  well-bred,  and 
obliging.  By  good  society  I  do  not  mean  fashionable  society. 
It  happens  that  the  very  rudest  people  I  ever  met  belonged  to 
a  very  exclusive  circle  in  what  is  called  the  "smart  set"  of  a 
cosmopolitan  American  city.  The  ladies  and  gentlemen  to 
whom  I  refer  were  away  from  home  attending  an  exposition 
in  a  Southern  State.  They  had  been  most  hospitably  enter- 
tained and  most  kindly  welcomed,  but  their  air  of  detachment, 
of  pride,  of  indifference  to  those  around  them,  might  have 
befitted  folk  of  the  baser  sort  who  had  never  had  a  chance  to 
learn  propriety,  but  were  glaringly  out  of  place  in  people  who 
had  enjoyed  every  advantage  that  wealth,  travel,  and  culture 
could  bestow. 

On  the  other  hand,  I  have  seen  a  man  in  a  leather  apron, 
with  hands  calloused  by  labor,  and  clothing  patched  and  faded, 
whose  manners  would  have  been  admired  in  a  court.  One 
seldom  encounters  gross  rudeness  among  poor  and  hard-work- 
ing people.  They  may  not  know  all  about  the  frills  and  frip- 
peries and  furbelows  of  conventional  and  ceremonious  polite- 
ness, but  they  are  polite  to  the  core,  with  the  politeness  that 
gives  the  best  and  warmest  chair  in  the  chimney  corner  to 


A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS  3 

the  old  and  feeble  grandparent,  that  offers  a  seat  at  once  in 
the  street  car  to  the  laundress  with  her  basket,  or  the  mother 
with  her  baby,  and  that  puts  itself  out  to  show  a  stranger  the 
way,  or  relieve  a  woman  of  a  heavy  bag  or  awkward  bundle. 
This  is  conspicuous  in  America,  where  it  has  always  been  our 
boast  that  our  women  are  worshiped,  that  women  may  travel 
in  perfect  safety  between  the  Atlantic  and  the  Pacific,  and  that 
our  streets,  in  our  great  towns,  are  as  safe  at  midnight  as  at 
noon,  for  any  woman,  young  or  old,  whose  duties  compel  her 
to  be  abroad  after  dark  without  an  escort. 

The  immense  ingress  upon  our  shores  of  foreign  peoples 
with  ideals  different  from  ours  has  somewhat  modified  our 
universal  gallantry,  yet  we  are  glad  to  observe  that  in  the 
assimilating  processes  of  the  republic  the  most  ignorant  peas- 
antry acquire  our  ideas,  while  there  is  no  excuse  whatever  for 
our  absorbing  theirs. 

Mrs.  Cynthia  Westover  Alden,  writing  on  this  theme,  says 
pithily  in  a  talk  to  business  women:  "Cultivate  the  manners 
of  good  society.  I  do  not  refer  to  society  with  a  big  S ;  that 
is  another  thing.  The  manners  of  the  best  people  in  Oshkosh, 
or  Spring  Valley,  or  Cripple  Creek  are  good  enough." 

MANNER  AND  MANNERS 

A  subtle  distinction  exists  between  manner  and  manners. 
The  first  is  often  inherited ;  it  is  made  up  of  innumerable  little 
peculiarities  that  belong  to  the  race  and  the  family.  In 
Ellen  Glasgow's  wonderful  romance,  The  Deliverance,  she  in- 
troduces as  her  hero  a  man  well-born  and  of  aristocratic 
traditions,  but  illiterate  and  unversed  in  the  elegant  ways  that 
had  been  the  natural  expression  of  character  in  his  family  for 
generations.  Christopher  is  a  day  laborer  on  the  soil  that  was 
once  his,  and  that  has  been  wrested  from  him  by  fraud.  Yet, 


4  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

though  his  manners  are  sometimes  flawed  by  ill  temper  and 
discontent,  his  manner  is  noble ;  it  is  the  grand  manner  of  his 
father.  And  in  the  outcome  of  the  splendid  story  the  nobility 
of  nature  becomes  triumphant.  Manner  shows  what  spirit  we 
are  of.  It  is  the  temper  of  the  steel.  Manners  have  to  do 
with  our  daily  conduct.  A  man  or  woman  who  is  familiar 
with  etiquette  to  the  last  detail  may  have  an  awkward,  defiant, 
or  self-conscious  manner  that  is  to  be  regretted,  for  it  will 
be  a  fearful  handicap  upon  business  success  and  detract  from 
the  enjoyment  one  may  look  for  in  the  hours  of  leisure. 

Take  the  common  incident  of  our  deportment  at  the  three 
meals  a  day  which  form  the  rallying  places  of  the  family. 

TABLE  MANNERS 

A  man  who  thrusts  his  knife  into  his  mouth,  or  sticks  a 
piece  of  bread  on  the  point  of  a  fork  into  the  platter  of  roast 
meat  or  fricasseed  chicken,  may  have  every  virtue  in  the  cal- 
endar. He  may  be  honest,  truthful,  chaste,  and  God-fearing. 
Yet  the  fly  in  the  pot  of  ointment  spoils  the  sweetness  of  the 
whole.  He  offends  the  accepted  canons  of  present-day  good 
taste  by  eating  with  his  knife. 

In  a  very  old  lady  or  gentleman  this  lapse  is  somewhat  ex- 
cusable, for  the  reason  that  two  generations  ago  it  was  cus- 
tomary thus  to  use  the  broad  of  the  knife.  When  three-tined 
steel  forks  were  seen  everywhere  people  had  to  eat  peas,  for 
example,  with  something  else,  and  therefore  a  man  might 
take  his  knife,  if  he  did  not  wish  to  use  his  teaspoon  for  the 
purpose.  Silver  forks  are  now  in  all  homes,  and  they  are  to 
be  used  for  eating.  You  violate  good  table  manners  if  you 
ignore  this. 

When  I  was  a  wee  little  maid  I  studied  natural  philosophy 
in  a  book  written  by  an  author  named  Swift.  It  was  in  the 


A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS  5 

form  of  questions  and  answers,  and  the  children  committed 
the  answers  to  memory.  One  of  them  was,  "Why  do  you  pour 
your  tea  out  of  your  cup  into  your  saucer  to  cool  it?"  The 
answer  was,  "That  a  larger  surface  may  be  exposed  to  the  air 
at  one  time  than  is  possible  when  the  tea  remains  in  the  cup." 

In  these  days  it  is  a  shocking  thing  to  pour  one's  coffee  or 
tea  out  of  one's  cup  into  one's  saucer,  but  you  may  easily  see 
that  there  was  a  day  when  it  was  the  proper  thing  to  do. 

TABLE  ETIQUETTE 

Set  yourself  in  an  upright  position — not  too  close  to  nor  yet 
too  far  from  the  table. 

Take  your  napkin,  partially  unfold  it,  and  lay  it  across  your 
lap.  It  is  not  the  correct  thing  to  fasten  it  to  your  buttonhole 
or  spread  it  over  your  breast. 

Do  not  trifle  with  your  knife  or  fork,  or  drum  on  the  table, 
or  fidget  in  any  way,  while  waiting  to  be  served. 

Keep  your  hands  quietly  in  your  lap,  your  mind  composed 
and  pleasantly  fixed  upon  the  conversation.  Let  all  your 
movements  be  easy  and  deliberate.  Undue  haste  indicates  a 
nervous  lack  of  ease. 

Should  grace  be  said,  you  will  give  the  most  reverent 
attention  in  respectful  silence  during  the  ceremony. 

Exhibit  no  impatience  to  be  served.  During  the  intervals 
between  the  courses  is  your  opportunity  for  displaying  your 
conversational  abilities  to  those  sitting  near  you.  Pleasant 
chat  and  witty  remarks  compose  the  best  possible  sauce  to  a 
good  dinner. 

Eat  slowly ;  it  will  contribute  to  your  good  health  as  well  as 
your  good  manners.  Thorough  mastication  of  your  food  is 
necessary  to  digestion.  An  ordinary  meal  should  occupy  from 
thirty  minutes  to  an  hour. 


6  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

You  may  not  desire  the  soup,  which  is  usually  the  first 
course,  but  you  should  not  refuse  to  take  it.  You  can  eat  as 
much  or  as  little  as  you  please,  but  you  would  look  awk- 
ward sitting  with  nothing  before  you  while  the  others  are 
eating. 

When  eating  soup  take  it  from  the  side  of  the  spoon,  and 
avoid  making  any  noise  in  so  doing. 

Should  you  be  asked  by  the  host  what  part  of  the  fowl 
you  prefer,  always  have  a  choice,  and  mention  promptly  which 
you  prefer.  Nothing  is  more  annoying  than  to  have  to  serve 
two  or  three  people  who  have  no  preferences  and  will  take 
"anything." 

Never  place  waste  matter  on  the  tablecloth.  The  side  of 
your  plate,  or  perhaps  your  bread  and  butter  plate,  will  answer 
as  a  receptacle  for  bones,  potato  skins,  etc. 

You  will  use  your  fork  to  convey  all  your  food  to  your 
mouth,  except  it  may  be  certain  sauces  that  would  be  more 
conveniently  eaten  with  a  spoon.  For  instance,  you  should 
not  attempt  to  eat  peas  with  any  except  a  silver  fork.  If  there 
is  none,  use  a  spoon. 

The  knife  is  used  only  for  cutting  meat  and  other  articles 
of  food,  for  spreading  butter  on  bread,  etc. 

Here  is  a  summary  of  blunders  to  avoid : 

Do  not  eat  fast. 

Do  not  make  noise  with  mouth  or  throat. 

Do  not  fill  the  mouth  too  full. 

Do  not  open  the  mouth  in  masticating. 

Do  not  leave  the  table  with  food  in  your  mouth.. 

Be  careful  to  avoid  soiling  the  cloth. 

Never  carry  any  part  of  the  food  with  you  from  the  table. 

Never  apologize  to  a  waitress  for  making  trouble;  it  is  her 
business  to  serve  you.  It  is  proper,  however,  to  treat  her  with 


A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS  7 

courtesy,  and  say,  "No,  I  thank  you,"  or  "If  you  please,"  in 
answer  to  her  inquiries. 

Do  not  introduce  disgusting  or  unpleasant  topics  of  con- 
versation. 

Do  not  pick  your  teeth  or  put  your  finger  in  your  mouth  at 
the  table. 

Do  not  come  to  table  in  your  shirt  sleeves,  or  with  soiled 
kands  or  tousled  hair. 

Do  not  cut  your  bread ;  break  it. 

Do  not  refuse  to  take  the  last  piece  of  bread  or  cake;  it 
looks  as  though  you  imagined  there  might  be  no  more. 

Do  not  express  a  preference  for  any  part  of  a  dish  unless 
asked  to  do  so. 

MANNERS  MAY  CHANGE 

The  first  time  I  ever  walked  out  with  a  young  gentleman 
alone  was  on  a  June  afternoon  when  I  was  eighteen.  The 
friend  was  staying  at  our  house,  and  I  was  to  show  him,  as  he 
was  a  stranger,  the  way  to  the  Brooklyn  Navy  Yard,  which  he 
wished  to  visit.  He  turned  to  me  as  we  reached  the  sidewalk, 
saying  politely,  "Take  my  arm."  I  declined,  and  my  com- 
panion was  quite  obviously  annoyed.  In  that  period  a  gen- 
tleman considered  himself  derelict  in  good  manners  if  he  did 
not  offer  a  woman  his  arm.  Very  old-fashioned  and  cere- 
monious gentlemen  well  on  toward  their  eighties  offer  the  arm 
still,  and  if  their  wives  are  old  it  is  proper  for  them  to  walk 
with  their  husbands  arm  in  arm.  Husbands  and  wives  may  al- 
ways do  this  if  they  choose.  Some  of  the  early  English' 
novelists  speak  of  love-making  as  of  "hooking  arms."  But 
now  nobody  thinks  of  taking  a  man's  arm  unless  she  is  blind, 
or  crippled,  or  infirm,  or  possibly  she  is  with  him  in  a  vast  and 
turbulent  crowd  where  she  needs  it  for  protection. 

Times  and  manners  change.     The  old-school  manner  was 


8  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

courtly  and  fine,  and  where  one  possesses  it  we  admire  it  still. 
Yet  for  practical  purposes  in  our  hurrying  age,  we  would  bet- 
ter acquire  the  very  best  manners  of  the  day  in  which  we  live. 

The  thing  of  chief  importance  is  that  we  are  not  to  under- 
rate good  manners.  The  finest  accomplishment  we  can  gain  is 
true  courtesy;  and  good  manners  that  are  most  to  be  desired 
are  not  elaborate,  but  are  simple,  natural,  and  sincere. 

King  Edward  Seventh  of  England  may  be  cited  as  an  ex- 
ample of  perfect  good  breeding.  His  manners  are  tinged  with 
kindliness;  they  are  unaffected  and  gracious.  The  lamented 
President  McKinley  was  a  man  whose  manners  endeared  him 
to  everyone,  who  conciliated  where  others  antagonized,  and 
who  never  failed  in  the  knightliness  of  the  true  gentleman. 
Living,  he  was  a  model  to  the  whole  nation ;  dying,  he  forgot 
no  courtesy.  He  spoke  a  word  of  caution  and  care  in  behalf 
of  the  poor  foolish  fellow  who  assassinated  him;  he  tenderly 
remembered  the  dear  wife  who  was  always,  in  her  patient 
invalidism,  his  first  thought,  and  he  regretted  that  the  untimely 
deed  that  murdered  him  threw  a  gloom  over  the  festivities 
of  the  great  Fair  at  Buffalo. 

THE  BASIS  OF  GOOD  FORM 

Underlying  politeness  is  consideration  for  others.  Conven- 
tional rules  are  not  arbitrary.  They  have  grown  up,  imper- 
ceptibly, little  by  little,  during  hundreds  of  years,  just  as 
the  common  law  which  obtains  in  our  courts  has  grown. 
Reasons  of  convenience  and  comfort  are  under  good  form, 
and  it  is  that  the  wheels  of  family  and  social  machinery  may 
run  without  friction  that  we  have  rules  for  the  daily  life. 

Mere  deportment  may  be  of  little  worth.  It  may  be  a  veneer, 
easily  cracked,  soon  broken.  What  we  need  is  that  gentle- 
ness which  refuses  to  wound  another's  feelings,  that  thought- 


A  BIT  OF  TALK  ABOUT  POLITENESS  9 

ful  love  which  can  take  another's  place;  in  short,  we  need 
considerateness  as  the  basis  of  politeness.  Thus,  at  the  table, 
good  manners  require  that  people  should  be  pleasant,  not 
glum  and  morose.  A  meal  taken  in  silence  and  hurry,  when 
the  first  effort  of  every  one  is  to  be  fed  and  get  away,  is  not 
a  meal  where  the  table  manners  are  correct. 

Equally,  wherever  people  interrupt  each  other  rudely,  each 
trying  to  take  and  hold  the  floor,  where  there  is  fault-finding 
or  criticism  of  the  food,  table  manners  are  violated.  Any 
fault-finding  by  anybody,  anywhere  in  the  home,  for  any  rea- 
son, is  a  distinct  attack  on  the  home's  tranquillity  and  a  frac- 
ture of  good  manners. 

A  COMPLAINT  BOX 

A  lady  was  much  disturbed  by  the  tendency  of  her  husband 
and  children  to  find  fault.  So  she  set  up  a  complaint  box. 
The  box,  labeled  duly,  was  installed  in  a  convenient  place, 
and  there  everyone  who  had  a  complaint  to  make  of  the  food, 
the  housekeeping,  or  anything  at  all,  was  told  to  drop  in  a 
slip  of  folded  paper.  The  complaint  must  be  made  in  writing. 
If  somebody  thought  that  baked  beans  appeared  too  often, 
or  that  there  might  be  pies  and  pudding  more  frequently,  he 
or  she  could  say  so.  The  bread  or  the  butter  if  not  quite  up  to 
the  mark  could  be  mentioned  in  the  little  note  of  the  aggrieved 
one.  On  Sundays,  after  the  midday  dinner,  the  complaint 
box  was  opened.  All  complaints  were  read  aloud  by  the 
father  of  the  family,  and  were  discussed  freely.  If  they  were 
held  to  be  justified  they  were  passed  on  to  the  mother,  who 
promised  to  set  them  right  in  future.  If  they  were  not  justi- 
fied the  person  who  made  them  paid  a  fine.  Fines  in  the 
aggregate  went  to  a  Fresh  Air  Fund,  to  send  sick  children 
from  town  with  their  mothers  into  the  country. 


io  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"Real  good  form,"  as  Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox  says  in  Correct 
Social  Usage,  "is  a  happy  union  of  heart-courtesy  and  graceful 
outward  manner.  Neither  should  be  left  out.  The  home  is 
the  most  important  place  to  display  our  knowledge  of  eti- 
quette, yet  often  it  is  there  most  ignored.  The  majority  of 
people  save  their  worst  manners  for  the  home  circle. 

"Why  may  not  a  man  find  it  as  easy  to  open  a  door  and 
allow  his  wife  to  precede  him  as  a  stranger?  Why  may  not 
the  wife  find  it  in  her  heart  to  show  him  the  tender  graces 
and  charming  courtesies  which  she  so  naturally  bestows  on 
the  occasional  guest?  * 

"Why  should  the  father  forget  to  lift  his  hat  when  meeting 
his  daughter  or  wife  and  remember  it  when  meeting  the 
daughter  or  wife  of  his  neighbor?  And  why  should  the 
daughter  hide  her  ill  temper  in  her  friend's  house  and  display 
it  at  home?" 

These  are  pertinent  questions  and  reflections.  Home  is  the 
best  field  for  courtesy.  No  other  field  equals  it  in  opportunity. 
Our  own  people  are  those  who  have  on  us  the  strongest  claim. 
We  must  give  them  daily  of  our  very  best. 


II 

CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS 

DR.  OLIVER  WENDELL  HOLMES,  asked  when  the  training  of 
a  child  should  begin,  replied,  "A  hundred  years  before  he  is 
born." 

This  is  simply  a  variation  of  the  old  adage  that  it  takes 
three  generations  to  make  a  gentleman.  We  can  easily  read 
the  meaning  between  the  lines  here,  for  Jonathan  the  First 
may  be  supposed  to  be  occupied  in  laying  the  foundation  of 
family  prosperity,  and  to  have  time  for  little  else;  Jonathan 
the  Second  may  enter  on  an  easier  inheritance,  and  Jonathan 
the  Third  may  be  nurtured  in  the  lap  of  luxury.  The  children 
born  with  golden  spoons  usually  had  grandparents  born  with 
iron  spoons  in  their  mouths.  A  little  iron  in  the  blood  is  a 
tremendously  good  thing.  Indeed,  to  be  well-born,  in  the 

true  sense,  is  an  immense  gift  and  should  be  prized.     Says 

Cooper : 

"I  do  not  boast  that  I  derive  my  birth 
From  loins  enthroned  or  rulers  of  the  earth; 
But  higher  yet  my  proud  pretensions  rise, 
The  child  of  parents  passed  into  the  skies." 

An  ancestry  of  pious,  God-fearing  people  is  something  for 
which  I  give  thanks  every  day.  On  the  other  hand,  family 
pride  that  is  based  only  on  large  estates,  famous  names,  and 
a  glory  that  is  past,  while  the  present  bearers  of  the  name  are 
degenerate,  is  a  very  foolish  thing.  It  is  to  such  pride  as 
this  that  Tennyson  refers  when  he  says: 


12  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"Lady  Clare  Vere  de  Vere 
From  yon  blue  heavens  above  us  bent, 
The  grand  old  gardener  and  his  wife 
.Smile  at  the  claims  of  long  descent;" 

and  Robert  Burns  had  it  in  mind  when  he  uttered  his  protest : 

"The  rank  is  but  the  guinea's  stamp, 
The  man's  the  gowd  for  a'  that." 

This  is  by  way  of  impressing  the  fact  that  we  cannot  too 
early  begin  to  teach  children  how  to  behave.  I  have  heard 
mothers  say  when  small  children  were  indecorous  or  rude, 
"O,  she  is  too  young  to  understand;"  "He  is  too  little;  you 
must  not  expect  too  much  from  wee  tots  like  Johnny." 

The  contrary  is  true.  You  must  expect  good  manners  from 
little  Jane  and  little  John,  or  when  they  are  older  their  man- 
ners will  be  atrocious.  As  soon  as  a  babe  is  in  the  world  its 
education  must  begin.  In  the  cradle  the  mother's  gentle 
touch  begins  to  mold  the  plastic  clay.  "Wax  to  receive  and 
marble  to  retain;"  what  little  ones  are  early  taught  remains 
with  them  to  their  latest  day.  "Bow  to  mother,  Francis," 
I  heard  a  lady  say  to  her  two-year-old  son.  The  son  is  a 
grown  man  now  and  a  model  of  graceful  politeness. 

If  our  children  are  well  taught  they  will  not  squabble  in  the 
nursery. 

"Let  dogs  delight  to  bark  and  bite, 

For  'tis  their  natures  to; 
Let  bears  and  lions  growl  and  fight, 
For  God  hath  made  them  so. 

"But,  children,  you  should  never  let 

Your  angry  passions  rise; 
Your  little  hands  were  never  made 

To  tear  each  other's  eyes." 


CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS  13 

Very  young  children  may  be  taught  self-restraint,  taught  to 
give  up  to  one  another,  to  share  fruit  and  divide  candy,  to 
lend  books  and  toys,  and  to  be  quiet  when  there  is  illness  in 
the  house.  They  may  learn  to  meet  friends  cordially,  with  the 
little  hand  outstretched.  There  is  no  need  that  they  should 
eat  in  a  slovenly  fashion,  or  be  greedy  and  selfish  at  the  table. 

Not  long  ago  a  baby  of  three  went  to  a  children's  party.  It 
was  given  in  honor  of  another  baby  of  three.  The  first  little 
person  was  a  personage  at  home  accustomed  to  having  her 
own  undisputed  way.  So  she  entered  the  room  like  a  tem- 
pest, pushing,  pulling,  and  slapping,  so  that  the  babies  fled 
in  terror  and  dismay,  hiding  their  heads  in  mothers'  and  nurses' 
laps.  The  naughty  child  was  less  to  blame  than  the  mother 
who  was  neglecting  her  early  training. 

Little  boys  should  rise  when  ladies  enter  a  room,  and  stand 
until  ladies  are  seated.  They  should  pull  off  their  caps  to 
mother  if  they  meet  her,  and  to  anyone  they  know,  or  anyone 
who  speaks  to  them  on  the  street.  Little  girls  should  also  rise 
and  remain  standing  when  older  people  come  into  the  room 
where  they  are. 

A  most  important  part  of  children's  training  conies  to  them 
by  example.  They  are  imitative  beings,  and  if  invariably 
treated  with  perfect  courtesy  they  will  themselves  adopt  the 
manners  they  see. 

When  one  hears  children  shrieking  and  screaming,  when  one 
notes  that  their  voices  are  pitched  on  too  high  a  key,  that  they 
interrupt  and  contradict  and  argue  when  they  should  obey, 
one  may  be  quite  sure  that  they  observe  such  conduct  at  home, 
that  it  is  in  the  atmosphere  they  breathe.  A  sweet,  low-voiced 
mother  has  sweet,  low-voiced  children. 


14  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

LITTLE  COURTESIES 

The  people  who  are  most  heedful  about  little  things  are  the 
most  agreeable  people  with  whom  to  live.  If  we  wait  for 
the  great  opportunities  we  may  have  long  to  wait.  Each  re- 
turning day  offers  us  occasions  for  making  people  happy.  We 
may  send  flowers  to  the  neighbor  who  has  no  garden,  we  may 
write  a  letter  to  the  lonely  lad  away  from  home.  We  may 
thread  the  needles  for  the  lady  whose  eyes  are  dim  with  age, 
and  save  steps  for  the  overburdened  mother,  and  all  this 
may  be  done  so  tactfully  that  it  will  make  no  stir. 

"Elizabeth,"  said  a  mother  of  her  daughter,  "is  always  doing 
little  things  for  the  rest  of  us,  but  so  quietly  that  we  often 
forget  to  thank  her.  She  is  as  softly  radiant  as  the  moonlight ; 
when  she  is  absent  we  are  in  the  dark." 

CHILDREN  AND  HIRED  HELP 

Not  a  great  many  employers  in  America  keep  a  large  number 
of  domestics.  Abroad  people  of  small  means  often  have  more 
servants  than  those  of  larger  fortune  have  with  us.  A  butler, 
a  footman,  a  coachman,  a  gardener,  may  of  course  belong  to 
the  man  whose  house  and  grounds  are  large  and  whose  income 
is  generous,  but  most  people  in  the  country  get  along  with  one 
hired  man,  or  with  the  services  of  a  man  who  attends  to  the 
furnace  in  winter  and  the  lawn  in  summer.  In  fact,  the  vast 
majority  of  men  in  America  see  to  their  own  furnaces,  and  the 
vast  majority  of  women  get  along  with  one  maid  of  all  work. 

Hundreds  of  thousands  do  their  own  work,  from  necessity 
or  from  choice ;  and  when  a  lady  does  this  be  it  noted  that  she 
is  blissfully  independent,  and  has  a  tidy  house  with  little  waste 
or  breakage,  and  that  when  her  work  is  done  she  is  satisfied 
that  it  has  been  well  done. 

Servants  with  us  dislike  the  name.    It  seems  to  them  menial, 


CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS  15 

and  is  opposed  to  the  general  conviction  that  everybody  is  just 
as  good  as  everybody  else.  I  have  therefore  used  the  term 
"hired  help"  in  this  book. 

A  well-bred  child  never  bullies  the  help.  If  he  asks  Mary 
to  do  him  a  kindness  he  thanks  her  in  return.  If  the  little 
daughter  of  the  house  ventures  into  the  kitchen  on  affairs  of 
her  own  she  is  polite  to  Katy  or  Norah.  When  the  woman 
who  is  hired  to  help  is  disagreeable,  churlish,  and  tyrannical 
to  the  children  of  the  household  she  should  be  dismissed.  Even 
if  otherwise  satisfactory  and  altogether  competent,  a  bad  tem- 
per and  boorish  speech  render  her  unfit  to  be  with  children. 
They  have  their  rights  in  the  home,  one  of  which  is  to  go  into 
the  kitchen  if  they  wish  to,  and  to  have  pleasant  relations  with 
the  maid.  But  children  should  not  be  suffered  to  treat  a  cook, 
waitress,  nurse,  or  other  domestic  with  any  unkindness,  or 
any  rudeness. 

Nor  do  good  manners  allow  children  to  make  extra  work 
for  a  busy  woman.  They  should  put  away  their  own  outdoor 
garments.  They  should  wipe  their  feet  and  leave  mud  and 
dirt  outside,  and  if  they  make  fudge  or  cookies  in  the  kitchen, 
they  should  clear  up  after  their  work  is  done.  Where  only 
one  person  is  kept  to  assist  in  the  housekeeping  she  cannot 
shoulder  the  whole  domestic  load,  and  the  children  should  not 
add  to  her  cares. 

THE  CHILDREN  AND  THE  SCHOOL 

When  an  ideal  condition  of  things  is  reached  there  will 
never  be  friction  between  the  home  and  the  school.  A  child's 
most  pressing  engagement  is  with  his  teacher.  To  be  at  school 
in  time,  to  go  with  well-prepared  lessons,  and  to  preserve  order 
so  far  as  he  can  is  a  scholar's  duty.  Good  training  of  children 
enjoins  on  parents  an  obligation  in  this  regard.  If  children 


16  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

bring  home  complaints  against  teachers  they  should  be  in- 
vestigated, and  no  child,  especially  if  shy  and  sensitive,  should 
be  oppressed  by  an  unjust  or  arbitrary  instructor.  Yet  it  is 
not  a  good  plan  at  once  to  sympathize  when  Molly  and  Dick 
come  home  voluble  in  protest  against  Miss  C.  or  Miss  B., 
who  probably  is  doing  as  well  as  she  can  in  her  circumstances. 
For  the  best  development  of  the  child,  home  and  school  must 
work  in  unison. 

THE  CHILDREN'S  MONEY 

As  soon  as  children  are  old  enough  to  understand  the  value 
of  money,  they  should  have  a  small  weekly  allowance,  suffi- 
cient to  pay  for  their  little  needs.  This  should  be  regularly 
given,  and  they  ought  not  to  overdraw  it.  Debt  should  be 
abhorrent  to  every  child.  A  memorandum  book  and  pencil 
should  accompany  the  allowance,  so  that  each  week  the  ac- 
count may  be  footed  up  and  balanced.  As  children  grow  older 
their  allowance  should  be  increased,  so  that  they  may  purchase 
their  clothing,  pay  their  expenses  on  little  trips  and  jaunts, 
and  have  the  wherewithal  for  charity,  Sunday  school  collec- 
tions, etc.  If  our  children  are  encouraged  in  systematic  giving, 
of  a  tenth  or  some  other  regular  proportion  of  their  incomes, 
they  will  grow  up  liberal  and  bountiful  people,  not  grudging 
and  churlish.  Lending  and  borrowing  by  children  should 
usually  be  frowned  upon,  as  it  does  not  form  a  good  plank  in 
character  to  borrow  or  to  lend  thoughtlessly. 

THE  OLD  AND  THE  YOUNG 

Frequently  a  beautiful  understanding  and  sympathy  are 
observed  between  the  aged  and  the  young.  Grandparents 
have  a  toleration  for  and  patience  with  the  boys  and  girls 
that  parents  lack.  Some  old  people  are  very  genial ;  there  is 
frost  on  their  heads  and  sunshine  in  their  souls.  But  others 


A   RAY   OF   SUNSHINE   FOR  THE   OLD   FOLKS 


CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS  17 

are  crabbed  and  cross.  The  world  has  dealt  hardly  with  them. 
They  fret  at  their  infirmities.  It  irks  them  that  they  are  no 
longer  in  the  thick  of  life's  business  and  battle.  The  younger 
men  and  women  have  usurped  the  places  where  they  were 
once  indispensable,  and  they  are  unhappy  and  possibly  unrea- 
sonable. 

In  a  household  where  old  people  and  children  reside,  the 
latter  should  practice  courtesy  toward  the  former.  I  think 
there  is  no  desolation  like  that  of  a  lonely  old  age.  And,  while 
there  are  limits  to  exaction,  good  breeding  requires  that  the 
young  should  defer  to  the  old.  A  lack  of  reverence  is  a  defect 
of  present-day  manners,  and  the  sooner  we  acknowledge  and 
remedy  it  the  better. 

CHILDREN  AND  GUESTS 

If  there  are  guests  beneath  the  roof  children  in  the  home 
should  do  what  they  can  for  their  pleasure  and  think  it  a 
privilege.  A  little  girl  I  knew,  being  compelled  when  there 
was  a  sudden  influx  of  company  to  surrender  her  room  for 
the  night  to  one  of  the  guests,  instead  of  yielding  graciously, 
sat  on  the  stairs  and  howled  at  the  top  of  her  voice  for  a  half 
hour.  Fortunately,  the  guests  supposed  she  was  screaming 
with  the  toothache. 

In  my  father's  house  hospitality  was  the  rule,  and  the  home 
was  always  elastic  enough  to  accommodate  one  guest  more, 
if  need  were.  The  children  were  tucked  away  in  any  corner, 
or  had  beds  on  the  floor,  and  they  never  dreamed  of  objecting 
if  called  upon  to  vacate  their  particular  rooms.  It  is  the  es- 
sence of  hospitality  to  be  very  glad  to  welcome  our  friends 
and  very  sorry  to  have  them  go  away. 

A  disagreeable  child  fingers  a  guest's  gown,  wanders  into 
her  room  and  plays  with  her  combs  and  brushes,  and  gener- 


;i8  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ally  intrudes  on  the  guest's  privacy.  An  agreeable  child  is 
never  in  a  guest's  way,  and  seldom  out  of  the  way  if  a  guest 
can  be  served. 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  CHURCH 

Although  this  paragraph  is  inserted  here,  it  by  no  means  is 
wholly  confined  to  children  and  their  behavior  in  the  pew. 
Only  bear  this  in  mind,  please :  If  you  do  not  acquire  the  habit 
of  regular  churchgoing  before  you  are  twelve  years  old  the 
strong  probability  is  that  you  will  never  acquire  it.  And  next, 
the  quiet  deportment  appropriate  to  the  pew,  the  attitude  be- 
fitting the  worshiper,  must  be  acquired  when  you  are  young. 
Once  impressed  on  youth,  it  will  never  be  forgotten.  But 
middle  age  will  never  overcome  listlessness,  aversion,  and 
ennui  in  God's  house,  except  through  a  miracle,  if  the  church- 
going  habit  was  not  formed  in  childhood. 

Among  breaches  of  good  manners  in  church,  the  foremost 
in  its  indecorum  is  whispering  and  chatting  with  friends  before 
or  during  the  exercises.  The  sanctuary  is  not  the  proper  place 
for  gossip.  Another  reprehensible  breach  of  etiquette  is  the 
turning  over  the  leaves  of  a  hymn  book  or  the  perusal  of  a 
church  calendar  during  the  sermon  or  the  prayers.  Almost 
as  shocking  it  is  to  consult  a  watch  during  the  service.  These 
actions  are  grossly  insulting  to  the  minister,  the  congregation, 
and  the  Lord  we  profess  to  worship.  To  be  late,  deliberately, 
is  almost  as  unpardonable  an  offense  as  any  of  the  above  faults. 

I  believe  that  the  little  ones  should  be  taken  to  church  from 
the  time  they  are  able  to  walk.  Nothing  is  more  inspiring 
than  a  church  where  there  are  little  heads  in  the  pew. 

Children  should  go  to  the  same  church  with  their  parents, 
not  select  their  own  church,  nor  should  they  stay  at  home  at 
their  own  discretion,  but,  on  the  contrary,  the  churchgoing  of 


CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS  19 

the  Sabbath  should  be  as  much  an  obligation  as  the  school- 
going  of  the  week  days. 

Yet  the  best  day  of  the  week  must  not  be  made  a  peniten- 
tial day  in  the  children's  lives.  Happy  Sundays  with  our  chil- 
dren we  may  have,  cheerfully  restful,  with  a  brightness  and 
a  gladness  no  other  days  hold.  A  walk  with  father  in  the 
afternoon,  a  time  for  singing  in  the  evening,  books  kept  spe- 
cially for  the  holy  day,  some  privileges  not  given  on.  other 
days,  may  make  the  Lord's  Day  the  golden  milestone  of  the 
week  for  our  little  darlings,  and  the  most  delightful  day  for 
our  young  people. 

SOME  OTHER  HINTS 

A  writer  on  child  training  has  given  some  excellent  rules 
on  the  general  subject  of  their  behavior  which  are  not  inap- 
propriate here: 

"It  is  against  the  rules  of  strict  etiquette  to  take  children 
when  making  formal  calls,  as  they  are  a  restraint  upon 
conversation,  even  if  they  are  not  troublesome  about  touching 
forbidden  articles,  or  teasing  to  go  home. 

"Never  take  a  child  to  a  funeral,  either  to  the  house  of 
mourning  or  to  the  cemetery. 

"Never  allow  a  child  to  take  a  meal  at  a  friend's  house 
without  special  invitation.  It  is  impossible  to  know  how  much 
she  may  be  inconvenienced,  while  her  regard  for  the  mother 
would  deter  her  from  sending  the  little  visitor  home  again. 

"Never  allow  a  child  to  handle  goods  in  a  store. 

"Never  send  for  children  to  meet  visitors  in  the  drawing- 
room  unless  the  visitors  themselves  request  to  see  them.  Make 
their  stay  then  very  brief,  and  be  careful  that  they  are  not 
troublesome. 

"It  is  not  etiquette  to  put  a  child  to  sleep  in  the  room  of  a 


2o  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

guest,  nor  to  allow  children  to  go  at  all  to  a  guest's  room, 
unless  specially  invited  to  do  so,  and  even  then  to  make  a  long 
stay  there. 

"When  invited  to  walk  or  drive  never  take  a  child,  unless 
it  has  been  invited,  or  you  have  requested  permission  to  do  so. 

"Never  crowd  children  into  picnic  parties  if  they  have  not 
been  invited. 

"Never  take  a  child  to  spend  the  day  with  a  friend  unless  it 
has  been  included  in  the  invitation. 

"Never  allow  children  to  handle  ornaments  in  the  drawing- 
room  of  a  friend. 

"Never  allow  a  child  to  pull  a  visitor's  dress,  play  with  the 
jewelry  or  ornaments  she  may  wear,  take  her  parasol  or  satchel 
for  a  plaything,  or  in  any  way  annoy  her. 

"Train  children  early  to  answer  politely  when  addressed, 
to  avoid  restless,  noisy  motions  when  in  company,  and  gradu- 
ally inculcate  a  love  of  the  gentle  courtesies  of  life.  By  mak- 
ing the  rules  of  etiquette  habitual  to  them  you  remove  all 
awkwardness  and  restraint  from  their  manners  when  they  are 
old  enough  to  go  into  society. 

"Never  send  a  child  to  sit  upon  a  sofa  with  a  grown  person 
unless  a  desire  to  have  it  do  so  has  been  expressed. 

"Never  crowd  a  child  into  a  carriage  seat  between  two 
grown  people. 

"Never  allow  a  child  to  play  with  a 'visitor's  hat  or  cane. 

"If  children  are  talented  be  careful  you  do  not  weary  your 
friends  and  destroy  their  own  modesty  by  'showing  them  off' 
upon  improper  occasions.  What  may  seem  wonderful  to  an 
interested  mother  may  be  weariness  to  a  guest. 

"Never  allow  children  to  visit  upon  the  invitation  of  other 
children.  When  they  are  invited  by  the  older  members  of  the 
family  it  is  time  to  put  on  their  'best  bibs  and  tuckers.' 


CHILDREN  AND  MANNERS  21 

"Never  take  children  to  a  house  of  mourning,  even  if  you 
are  an  intimate  friend." 

It  is  one  of  the  first  duties  of  parents  to  train  their  children 
at  home  as  they  would  have  them  appear  abroad.  An  English 
lady  writes  thus : 

"If,  then,  we  desire  that  our  children  shall  become  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  can  we  make  them  so,  think  you,  by  lavishing 
money  on  foreign  professors,  foreign  travel,  tailors,  and  dress- 
makers ?  Ah,  no !  good  breeding  is  far  less  costly,  and  begins 
far  earlier  than  those  things.  Let  our  little  ones  be  nurtured 
in  an  atmosphere  of  gentleness  and  kindness  from  the  nursery 
upward;  let  them  grow  up  in  a  home  where  a  rude  gesture 
or  an  ill-tempered  word  is  alike  unknown;  where  between 
father  and  mother,  master  and  servant,  mistress  and  maid, 
friend  and  friend,  parent  and  child,  brother  and  sister,  prevails 
the  law  of  truth,  of  kindness,  of  consideration  for  others  and 
forgetfulness  of  self.  Can  they  carry  into  the  world,  whither 
we  send  them  later,  aught  of  coarseness,  of  untruthfulness, 
of  slatternliness,  of  vulgarity,  if  their  home  has  been  orderly, 
if  their  parents  have  been  refined,  their  servants  well-man- 
nered, their  friends  and  playmates  kindly  and  carefully  trained 
as  themselves  ?  Do  we  want  our  boys  to  succeed  in  the  world ; 
our  girls  to  be  admired  and  loved ;  their  tastes  to  be  elegant ; 
their  language  choice;  their  manners  simple,  charming,  re- 
fined, and  graceful ;  their  friendship  elevating?  Then  we  must 
ourselves  be  what  we  would  have  our  children  to  be,  remem- 
bering the  golden  maxim,  that  good  manners,  like  charity, 
must  begin  at  home. 

"Good  manners  are  an  immense  social  force.  We  should 
therefore  spare  no  pains  to  teach  our  children  what  to  do  in 
their  pathway  through  life. 

"On  utilitarian  as  well  as  social  principles,  we  should  try 


22  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

to  instruct  our  children  in  good  manners ;  for  whether  we  wish 
them  to  succeed  in  the  world,  or  to  adorn  society,  the  point 
is  equally  important.  We  must  never  lose  sight  of  the  fact 
that  here  teachers  and  professors  can  do  little,  and  that  the 
only  way  in  which  it  is  possible  to  acquire  the  habits  of  good 
society  is  to  live  in  no  other." 


Ill 

GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING 

MORE  or  less  as  a  matter  of  course,  we  travel.  Our  jour- 
neys may  be  long  or  short,  but  they  are  far  from  one  point 
to  another,  and  the  same  general  rules  cover  all  their  neces- 
sities. I  insert  here  a  few  rules  which  apply  in  every  emergency : 

Consider  what  route  you  are  taking  when  you  are  con- 
templating a  journey,  and  decide  definitely  upon  it.  Go  to 
the  ticket  office  of  the  road  and  procure  a  time-table,  where 
you  will  find  the  hour  for  leaving,  together  with  names  of 
stations  on  the  road,  etc. 

When  you  intend  taking  a  sleeping  berth,  secure  your  ticket 
for  it  a  day  or  two  before  you  intend  starting,  so  as  to 
obtain  a  desirable  location.  A  lower  berth  in  the  center  of  the 
car  is  always  the  most  comfortable,  as  you  escape  the  jar  of 
the  wheels  and  the  opening  door. 

Take  as  little  baggage  as  possible,  and  see  that  your  trunks 
are  strong  and  securely  fastened.  A  good,  stout  leather  strap 
is  a  safeguard  against  bursting  locks. 

In  checking  your  baggage  look  to  the  checks  yourself,  to 
make  sure  that  the  numbers  correspond.  Having  once  received 
your  check,  you  need  not  concern  yourself  further  about  your 
baggage.  The  company  is  responsible  for  its  safe  delivery. 

It  is  a  wise  precaution  to  have  your  name  and  address  care- 
fully written  upon  any  small  article  of  baggage,  such  as 
satchel,  umbrella,  duster,  etc.,  so  that  in  case  you  leave  them  in 
the  car  the  railroad  employees  may  know  where  to  send  them. 


24  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

An  overcoat  or  package  lying  upon  a  seat  is  an  indication 
that  the  seat  is  taken  and  the  owner  has  only  left  temporarily. 
It  would  therefore  be  rude  in  you  to  remove  the  articles  and 
occupy  the  seat. 

A  courteous  gentleman  will  usually  relinquish  his  place  to 
two  ladies,  or  a  gentleman  and  lady  who  are  together,  and  seek 
other  accommodations.  Such  a  sacrifice  always  receives  its 
reward  in  graceful  admiration  of  his  character. 

It  is  only  courteous  for  a  gentleman,  seeing  a  lady  looking 
for  a  seat,  to  offer  the  one  beside  him,  as  she  scarcely  likes  to 
seat  herself  there  without  such  invitation,  although  she 
will,  of  course,  if  there  are  no  entirely  vacant  seats,  do  so  in 
preference  to  standing. 

Ladies  traveling  alone,  when  addressed  in  a  courteous  man- 
ner by  gentlemen,  should  reply  politely  to  the  remark ;  and  on 
long  journeys  it  is  even  allowable  to  enter  into  conversation 
without  the  formality  of  an  introduction.  But  a  lady  will  al- 
ways know  how  to  keep  the  conversation  from  bordering  on 
familiarity,  and  by  a  quiet  dignity  and  surprised  manner  will 
effectually  check  any  attempt  at  presumption  on  the  part  of 
a  strange  acquaintance. 

Always  consult  the  comfort  of  others  when  traveling.  You 
should  not  open  either  door  or  window  in  a  railway  coach 
without  first  ascertaining  if  it  will  be  agreeable  to  those  near 
enough  to  be  affected  by  it.  Women,  in  particular,  should 
remember  that  they  have  not  chartered  the  whole  car,  but 
only  paid  for  a  small  fraction  of  it,  and  be  careful  not  to 
monopolize  the  dressing  room  for  two  or  three  hours  at  a 
stretch,  while  half  a  dozen  or  more  fellow-travelers  are  wait- 
ing outside  to  arrange  their  toilets. 

Fastidious  passengers  will  always  carry  their  own  toilet 
articles,  and  not  depend  on  the  public  brush  and  comb. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  25 

A  lady  will  avoid  overdressing  in  traveling.  Silks  and 
velvets,  laces  and  jewelry  are  completely  out  of  place  on  a  rail- 
way train.  The  appointments  of  a  traveler  may  be  as  elegant 
as  you  please,  but  they  should  be  distinguished  by  exceeding 
plainness  and  quietness  of  tone.  Some  women  have  an  idea 
that  any  old  thing  is  good  enough  to  travel  in,  and  so  look 
exceedingly  shabby  on  the  train.  This  is  a  mistake. 

GETTING  READY  FOR  THE  ROAD 

When  contemplating  a  trip  from  home,  whether  it  is  to  be  a 
long  or  a  short  one,  it  is  wise  to  count  the  cost,  ascertain  the 
best  routes,  and  make  as  close  a  schedule  of  time  to  be  spent 
on  the  journey  as  you  can.  Approximately  you  may  estimate 
the  expense  of  any  given  trip,  but,  having  done  so,  your 
comfort  and  peace  of  mind  will  be  greatly  enhanced  if  you 
add  something  for  a  margin.  In  going  anywhere  beyond  your 
ordinary  bailiwick  it  is  proper  to  provide  for  illness  or  other 
contingency  which  may  delay  you  and  largely  increase  your 
outlay.  To  have  just  enough,  with  nothing  in  the  background 
to  draw  upon,  may  do  for  youth  and  inexperience  in  the 
happy-go-lucky  season  of  life,  but  few  of  us,  when  past  youth, 
dare  to  take  the  risks  that  boys  and  girls  survey  so  lightly. 
Better  take  a  cheaper  trip,  or  forego  a  costly  one,  than  be 
stranded  without  means  in  a  city  of  strangers. 

By  means  of  maps,  railway  guides,  and  the  various  trips 
outlined  by  tourists  one  may  obtain  an  accurate  notion  of 
where,  how,  and  when  to  go  to  any  point  on  the  globe.  A 
gentleman  who  recently  with  his  wife  went  round  the  world, 
visiting  many  foreign  mission  stations  and  traveling  by  every 
sort  of  conveyance,  according  to  the  ways  of  the  country  in 
which  he  happened  to  be,  made  the  trip  in  fourteen  months, 
arriving  at  his  home  in  New  York  only  twelve  hours  later 


26  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

than  he  had  planned  before  starting.    Judicious  planning  will 
enable  one  to  travel  without  fuss  or  fretting  on  the  way. 

ANTICIPATE— DO  NOT  FOREBODE 

Set  out  on  a  journey  expecting  to  have  a  good  time.  People 
who  forbode  disaster  are  on  the  ragged  edge  of  anxiety  every 
moment.  To  anticipate  is  to  look  for  something  beautiful 
around  the  next  corner,  to  watch  eagerly  for  something  new, 
curious,  or  charming,  whenever  one  enters  an  unfamiliar 
region. 

The  responsibility  of  conveying  a  traveler  safely  rests  with 
those  who  have  sold  him  a  ticket.  Captains,  conductors,  en- 
gineers, and  the  many  men  who  manage  trains,  or  sail  ships, 
are  charged  with  the  duty  of  landing  passengers  in  good 
shape  at  the  objective  point  on  their  tickets.  A  great  deal  of 
confidence  may  be  reposed  in  the  average  man.  Accidents 
do  happen,  but  the  percentage  of  accident  as  compared  with 
the  immense  aggregate  of  successful  travel  is  extremely  small. 
I  take  it  for  granted  that  those  who  read  this  commit  them- 
selves daily  to  the  care  of  the  Father  in  heaven,  who  neither 
slumbers  nor  sleeps,  and  who  has  given  His  angels  charge 
concerning  His  children  that  no  evil  befall  them.  On  the  road 
or  at  home  God's  child  may  say,  "I  laid  me  down  and  slept; 
for  the  Lord  sustained  me." 

The  pleasure  of  any  journey  is  marred,  if  not  ruined,  by 
the  presence  of  fear  in  the  heart.  To  enjoy  the  good  times  as 
they  come  is  as  truly  the  Christian's  duty  as  to  accept  with 
resignation  the  hard  times.  Sanctified  common  sense  must 
be  a  part  of  every  traveler's  outfit. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  27 

ON  PACKING  A  TRUNK 

On  many  trips  a  man  can  carry  every  requisite  in  a  suit 
case.  Women,  who  are  willing  to  go  with  light  luggage,  have 
spent  some  weeks  in  Europe,  crossing  the  ocean,  and  doing 
a  good  deal  of  traveling,  with  only  what  they  have  carried  in 
a  shawl  strap.  But  this,  for  women,  is  exceptional.  Women 
usually  are  more  comfortable  if,  leaving  home  for  a  few  days, 
they  carry  their  clothing  in  a  trunk  and  have  very  little  hand 
luggage. 

If  you  expect  to  travel  often,  buy  a  good  trunk  to  begin 
with,  but  not  too  large  a  trunk.  Mammoth  trunks  tax  the 
strength  and  skill  of  the  men  who  handle  baggage  on  trains, 
and  of  the  porters  in  hotels,  and  are  bulky  and  in  the  way  in 
one's  room.  In  visiting  a  friend  for  a  short  stay  never  take 
a  trunk  so  big  that  it  suggests  the  possibility  of  an  indefinite 
lingering.  Two  small  trunks  are  preferable  to  one  of  unwieldy 
size. 

The  ideal  trunk  for  a  lady  has  several  drawers  and  com- 
partments. When  ready  to  pack  get  together  everything  you 
desire  to  take  with  you  from  home.  Shoes  and  large  articles 
should  go  into  the  trunk  first.  Pack  very  smoothly,  and  fill 
up  all  the  little  spaces.  Do  not  carry  glassware  and  fragile 
pieces  of  bric-a-brac  in  your  trunk.  They  will  probably  be 
broken  if  you  do.  Never  carry  liquids  of  any  kind,  except  in 
securely  fastened  tin  boxes.  Ink,  cologne,  and  medicines  may 
be  packed  together  in  a  tin  case,  securely  fastened  and  placed 
in  the  middle  of  the  trunk.  Fold  all  garments.  Rolled  bun- 
dles occupy  an  undue  amount  of  space.  Having  arranged  the 
underclothes  as  you  wanl  *hem,  dispose  of  your  skirts,  which 
should  be  folded  with  the  greatest  care,  laying  tissue  paper 
between  each  fold.  Tissue  paper  should  be  stuffed  into  sleeves 
and  laid  around  the  bodices  of  gowns,  to  preserve  their  shape. 


28  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Dainty  bits  of  lingerie,  gloves,  laces,  bonnets  and  hats  are 
to  be  provided  for  in  the  upper  drawers  and  compartments 
of  the  trunk.  Remember  that  loose  packing  means  injury  to 
everything.  Pack  as  tightly  as  you  can,  and  fill  the  interstices 
between  your  fragile  articles  with  the  soft  tissue  paper  which 
is  a  friend  in  need  to  the  traveler. 

Elizabeth  Bisland,  who  is  an  authority  on  comfortable  trav- 
eling, advises: 

"In  making  long  trips  in  England  or  on  the  Continent  it 
is  as  well  that  the  woman  traveling  alone  should  go  to  the 
expense  of  taking  first-class  tickets  to  secure  the  advantages 
of  the  added  luxury  and  privacy ;  but  for  all  journeys  of  mod- 
erate length — and  very  few  are  as  long  as  twelve  hours — 
second  class  is  quite  good  enough  and  a  great  deal  cheaper. 
For  journeys  of  an  hour  or  two  many  English  people  go  third 
class,  since  the  carriages  in  this  class  are  perfectly  clean  and 
fairly  comfortable,  and  one  is  not  likely  to  suffer  any  incon- 
venience from  the  manners  of  one's  fellow-travelers,  which 
are  almost  without  exception  quiet  and  decent.  On  the  Con- 
tinent a  woman  unaccompanied  had  better  content  herself  with 
the  economy  of  second  class,  as  her  experiences  might  not  be 
agreeable  in  the  third. 

"Wherever  one  might  be  fated  to  spend  any  length  of  time 
in  land  travel  it  is  best  to  follow  certain  rules.  One  of  these 
is  to  be  sure  of  plenty  of  fresh  air.  In  our  own  country  this 
is  sometimes  made  difficult  by  the  overheating  of  cars,  the 
double  windows,  and  the  lack  of  proper  ventilation;  while  in 
Europe  the  loosely  fitting  sashes  and  lack  of  artificial  warmth 
give  one  at  times  too  much  of  even  that  good  thing.  An 
excellent  practice  is  to  get  out  wherever  a  stop  of  more  than 
a  few  minutes  is  made  and  walk  briskly,  filling  the  lungs  and 
stirring  the  blood.  In  almost  all  cases  where  a  traveler  finds 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  29 

herself  unable  to  sleep  in  the  cars  the  difficulty  may  be  cor- 
rected by  a  supply  of  fresh  air." 

WHAT  TO  DO  IN  A  SLEEPER 

"I  have  never  spent  a  night  on  the  train.  I  don't  know 
how  to  manage  about  the  sleeping  car,"  says  the  young  girl 
or  the  elderly  lady  who  has  hitherto  made  her  journeys  .by 
daylight. 

This  matter  is  very  simple.  Your  sleeping  car  ticket  was 
secured  when  you  bought  your  ticket,  or  was  engaged  a  day  or 
two  beforehand,  if  at  a  crowded  period  of  the  year,  when  ac- 
commodations are  much  in  demand  and  space  is  taxed.  A 
lower  berth  is  preferred  by  women,  though  the  air  in  an  upper 
berth  is  often  purer.  Insist  in  summer  on  having  plenty  of  air. 
The  porter  will  open  your  window  and  insert  a  wire  screen 
which  keeps  off  part  of  the  dust — only  a  part;  dust  seems 
inseparable  from  swift  transit  over  any  road. 

An  electric  bell  at  the  side  of  your  seat  will  summon  the 
porter  whenever  you  need  him,  by  night  or  by  day.  Call  on 
him  for  any  service,  and  repay  his  attentions  by  a  fee  at  the 
journey's  end.  The  amount  of  this  fee  or  tip  is  determined 
by  the  length  of  the  journey,  and  the  personal  service  he  has 
rendered.  It  is  not  fixed,  except  by  the  individual  wish  and 
ability,  but  it  is  customary  to  slip  something  in  silver  into  the 
porter's  hand  before  you  leave  the  train. 

When  you  desire  to  undress  ring  for  the  porter,  who  will 
deftly  make  your  bed.  This  is  the  work  of  a  very  few  minutes. 
The  man  dextrously  lets  down  the  machinery  which  trans- 
forms what  is  a  luxurious  seat  by  day  into  a  luxurious  couch 
by  night,  makes  a  few  magic  passes,  and,  presto!  there  you 
are.  Step  in  behind  the  curtains,  and  slip  off  your  jacket, 
waist,  skirt,  and  other  outside  garments,  remove  your  corsets, 


30  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

and  put  on  a  long  kimono,  or  a  sack  and  skirt,  in  which, 
taking  toothbrush,  comb,  sponge,  and  whatever  toilet  con- 
veniences you  have  in  your  little  hand  bag,  proceed  to  the 
lady's  dressing  room  at  the  end  of  the  car.  This  is  usually 
arranged  for  two  ladies.  If  others  are  before  you  watch  for 
your  opportunity,  and  go  when  the  field  is  clear.  Good  form 
indicates  that  neither  in  the  morning  nor  in  the  evening  should 
one  passenger,  or  even  two  passengers,  monopolize  the  dress- 
ing room  for  a  long  time.  Finish  bathing  and  hairdressing 
with  expedition,  and  leave  room  for  others.  A  small  swing- 
ing hammock  of  netted  twine  at  the  side  of  the  sleeper  is 
intended  to  hold  securely  all  small  articles,  and  the  larger  ones 
are  smoothly  folded  and  laid  with  shoes  and  the  like  at  the 
foot  of  your  bed.  A  shelf,  or,  rather,  a  hollow  place  where 
a  shelf  should  be,  is  the  depository  for  your  hat.  You  have, 
I  hope,  left  jewelry  and  costly  valuables  at  home.  They  are 
never  to  be  taken  on  a  journey.  The  old  Romans  called  bag- 
gage impedimenta,  and  the  word  exactly  describes  superfluous 
ornament  and  finery  which  encumbers  and  burdens  the  owner 
when  traveling.  To  wear  showy  jewelry  on  the  road  is 
considered  vulgar  and  much  out  of  taste. 

In  order  to  gain  the  luxury  of  a  bath  on  the  train,  the  lady 
passenger  must  either  rise  very  early  or  lie  in  her  berth  until 
her  fellow  passengers  have  done  with  the  toilet  room.  A  prac- 
ticed traveler  is  apt  to  look  about  in  the  evening  and  see  how 
many  other  women  are  in  the  car  with  her.  She  may  then 
forecast  her  chances,  and  make  up  her  mind  whether  she  will 
rise  very  early  or  wait  till  the  rest  have  completed  their 
morning  preparations. 

Some  women  suffer  acute  discomfort  on  the  train  from 
fainthess  and  car-sickness,  especially  in  the  morning.  They 
do  not  quickly  adjust  themselves  to  the  incessant  motion, 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  31 

often  a  jerking  and  swinging  motion  that  wears  terribly  on 
the  nerves.  A  little  fruit,  some  thin  crackers,  and  a  bottle 
of  bouillon  should  form  part  of  the  traveler's  equipment,  as 
tea  and  coffee  cannot  be  procured  at  dawn.  The  merest 
luncheon —  not  a  meal,  but  just  enough  to  stay  the  stomach — 
will  do  away  with  the  morning  faintness  and  malaise. 

Most  of  the  morning  dressing  may  be  done  in  the  toilet 
room,  whither  you  may  carry  such  portions  of  your  dress  as 
you  have  laid  aside  overnight.  Always  carry  in  your  hand  bag 
a  silk  or  wool  kimono,  which  may  be  slept  in,  and  which  suit- 
ably covers  you  in  going  back  and  forth  in  the  aisle  between 
the  berths. 

TRAVELING  BY  SEA 

Ocean  travel  is  not  formidable  in  these  days,  except  to  those 
who  suffer  from  seasickness.  Try  to  start  when  measurably 
free  from  nervous  strain,  and  have  the  body  in  a  clear  and 
wholesome  state.  Keep  on  deck.  The  passenger  who  is 
compelled  to  make  a  sea  voyage  of  days  in  her  stateroom  is 
much  to  be  pitied.  One  cannot  have  in  her  stateroom  anything 
beyond  a  small  steamer  trunk,  as  all  larger  boxes  go  into  the 
vessel's  hold.  It  is  practicable  to  carry  every  real  necessity 
for  a  voyage  of  a  week  or  ten  days  in  one's  suit  case.  The 
stewardess  will  pay  the  passenger  many  small  and  comforting 
attentions,  and  in  return  she  should  receive  a  tip,  proportioned 
to  the  demands  on  her  time  and  the  amount  of  trouble  she  has 
taken. 

Again  quoting  from  Miss  Bisland: 

"It  is  well  to  secure  one's  seat,  sleeping  berth,  or  stateroom 
well  in  advance,  and  trust  nothing  to  luck.  Beginning  early, 
and  having,  therefore,  the  power  of  choice,  select,  if  possible, 
for  a  day's  journey,  a  seat  in  the  center  of  the  car,  or,  if  for 
the  night,  a  berth  near  the  ladies'  toilet  room.  Take  an  outside 


32  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Stateroom;  the  air  to  be  had  through  the  porthole,  whenever 
the  sea  is  calm  enough  to  admit  of  opening  it,  is  worth  much 
in  moments  of  fatigue  or  nausea. 

"Take  enough  hand  luggage  to  be  quite  comfortable.  Some 
one  can  always  be  found  to  carry  it  for  a  very  small  tip.  Do 
j  £t  sit  down  and  wait  to  be  told  when  things  happen  and 
where  all  conveniences  are  situated.  A  few  judicious  inquiries 
will  ascertain  the  hour  of  meals,  the  locality  of  the  bathroom, 
what  rules  and  regulations  must  be  observed,  and  what  priv- 
ileges are  to  be  had.  Be  ready  to  take  prompt  advantage  of 
any  opportunity  for  amusement,  and  be  profoundly  versed  in 
the  gentle  science  of  Baedeker  and  Murray. 

"Perhaps  this  is  a  point  at  which  the  whole  question  of  tips 
might  be  appropriately  dealt  with.  All  through  Europe  they 
are  expected,  but  a  regular  tariff  is  fixed,  and  it  is  not  neces- 
sary to  give  more  than  is  the  custom.  Some  few  independent 
souls  refuse  to  recognize  the  demand  at  all,  but  they  are  always 
badly  served.  In  many  cases  those  who  serve  them  are  not 
liberally  paid  by  their  employers  because  of  the  extra  fund 
supposed  to  be  contributed  by  the  traveler,  and  she  who  refuses 
to  tip  is  in  reality  receiving  services  gratuitously  from  the  poor 
employee. 

"On  long  sea  voyages  it  is  customary  to  give  one's  own 
stewardess  five  dollars  when  special  services  are  asked,  or  two 
and  a  half  dollars  when  no  particular  demands  are  made  on 
her  time.  About  the  same  is  given  the  table  steward,  and  one 
dollar  to  the  deck  steward — but  this  proportion  may  alter 
according  to  the  amount  of  service  rendered. 

"It  is  a  wise  precaution  and  insures  more  care  and  consid- 
eration if  the  tipper  gives  the  stewardess  a  small  installment 
of  the  whole  fee  the  first  day  out,  intimating  that  more  is  to 
follow  on  reaching  port. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  33 

"In  England  the  cabmen  expect  a  gratuity  of  two  pence,  in 
France  two  big  sous.  Six  pence  are  ample  for  the  transporta- 
tion of  luggage  or  any  small  services  from  the  guard  on  rail- 
way trains  in  England;  half  a  franc  in  France.  In  the  ex- 
pensive restaurants  a  shilling  in  London  and  a  franc  in  Paris 
is  sufficiently  munificent,  while  in  such  places  as  the  Maison 
Duval  or  the  A.  B.  C.  restaurants  two  sous,  or  two  pence,  are 
quite  enough. 

"There  are,  for  the  solitary  woman  traveler,  a  number  of 
tourists'  agencies — such  as  Cook's,  Gaze's,  and  Low's — whose 
branches  reach  to  over  beyond  Jordan,  and  are  established, 
among  even  the  dwellers  of  Mesopotamia.  These  for  a  very 
small  percentage  will  buy  tickets,  check  and  transfer  luggage, 
furnish  all  useful  and  useless  information,  and  do  one's  bank- 
ing, besides  supplying  valuable  aid  in  finding  satisfactory 
lodgings. 

"It  is  at  the  offices  of  these  agencies  that  one  may  change 
banknotes  most  conveniently  and  secure  fresh  currency  of  the 
different  countries  in  which  one  is  sojourning.  In  carrying 
large  sums  it  is  better  to  rely  upon  the  letter  of  credit  of  some 
prominent  and  trustworthy  bank;  but  where  the  sum  to  be 
used  in  traveling  is  moderate,  as  convenient  a  way  as  any  is 
to  carry  a  few  Bank  of  England  notes,  and  deposit  these  as 
an  account  at  one  of  the  tourists'  agencies,  or  at  a  bank,  and 
draw  checks  against  it.  Say  that  one  means  to  go  abroad  for 
two  months  or  three,  and  means  to  limit  one's  expenses  to  a 
few  modest  hundreds ;  then  the  simplest  and  least  troublesome 
fashion  of  arranging  the  matter  is  to  procure  Bank  of  Eng- 
land notes  for  that  sum.  Get  a  letter  from  a  trustworthy 
tourist  agency  to  its  office  in  London  or  Paris  containing  an 
introduction.  On  arriving  one  has  only  to  present  the  letter 
and  the  money,  deposit  the  latter,  and  get  a  sheaf  of  checks  in 


34  GOOD,  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

return,  and  a  needed  supply  of  foreign  gold  and  silver.  In 
moving  from  one  large  city  to  another  it  is  necessary  only  to 
carry  a  letter  from  the  agency  to  its  bureau  in  the  new  capital, 
and  there,  the  office  having  been  privately  notified  of  the  orig- 
inal deposit,  the  checks  are  again  honored.  For  short  tours 
from  the  base  of  supply  a  small  amount  of  gold  is  the  most 
convenient  form  of  provision." 

A  FEW  USEFUL  DONTS 

Don't  travel  unless  you  can  afford  it. 

Don't  ask  questions,  except  of  officials  on  the  road,  or  the 
ship,  or  of  policemen  on  the  street. 

Don't  carry  a  chip  on  your  shoulder.  Most  of  the  people 
you  meet  are  well-disposed  and  kind. 

Don't  permit  your  children,  if  you  have  any  with  you,  to 
annoy  people  by  ill-bred  behavior. 

Don't  exchange  visiting  cards  with  strangers,  unless  this  is 
justified  by  exceptional  circumstances. 

Don't  refuse  courtesies  when  offered  by  strangers  if  excep- 
tional circumstances  occasion  them. 

Don't  return  civility  with  its  opposite. 

Don't  forget  that  you  owe  a  duty  to  every  human  being,  the 
duty  of  looking  pleasant  and  being  gracious. 

Don't  fail  to  assist  any  infirm,  crippled,  or  aged  fellow- 
traveler  who  may  need  a  helping  hand. 

"Don't  by  a  single  thought  or  action  add  to  the  burden  of 
sorrow  pressing  so  heavily  upon  many  fellow-pilgrims." 

"Don't  forget  that  most  of  the  evil  passions  are  traceable 
to  two  roots,  anger  and  worry.  These  are  the  thieves  that 
steal  precious  time  and  energy  from  life." 

"Anger  is  a  highway  robber,  and  worry  is  a  sneak 
thief." 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  35 

There  is  much  good  sense  and  a  little  sermon  in  this  bit  of 
verse  by  Robert  J.  Burdette : 

"  KEEP  SWEET  AND  KEEP  MOVIN'  " 
Hard  to  be  sweet  when  the  throng  is  dense, 

When  the  elbows  jostle  and  shoulders  crowd; 
Easy  to  give  and  take  offense 

When  the  touch  is  rough  and  the  voice  is  loud; 
"Keep  to  the  right"  in  the  city's  throng; 

"Divide  the  road"  on  the  broadway; 
There's  one  way  right  when  everything's  wrong; 
Easy  and  fair  goes  far  in  a  day, 

Just 
"Keep  sweet  and  keep  movin'." 

The  quick  taunt  answers  the  hasty  word — 

The  lifetime's  chance  for  a  "help"  is  missed; 
The  muddiest  pool  is  a  fountain  stirred, 

A  kind  hand  clinched  makes  an  ugly  fist. 
When  the  nerves  are  tense  and  the  mind  is  vexed, 

The  spark  lies  close  to  the  magazine; 
Whisper  a  hope  to  the  soul  perplexed — 

Banish  the  fear  with  a  smile  serene — 

Just 
"Keep  sweet  and  keep  movin'." 

STANDARD  TIME 

In  traveling  one  finds  that  at  intervals  his  watch  does  not 
tally  with  the  watches  about  him.  At  certain  points  the  watch 
must  be  set  over  again.  A  little  explanation  of  standard  time 
may  interest  those  who  know  nothing  of  its  reasons  or  theory. 

What  is  known  as  the  "new  standard  time"  was  adopted  by 
agreement  by  all  the  principal  railroads  of  the  United  States 
at  twelve  o'clock,  noon,  on  November  18,  1883.  The  system 
divides  the  continent  into  five  longitudinal  belts,  and  fixes  a 
meridian  of  time  for  each  belt.  These  meridians  are  fifteen 


36  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

degrees  of  longitude,  corresponding  to  one  hour  of  time,  apart. 
Eastern  Maine,  New  Brunswick,  and  Nova  Scotia  use  the 
sixtieth  meridian;  the  Canadas,  New  England,  the  Middle 
States,  Virginia,  and  the  Carolinas  use  the  seventy-fifth  me- 
ridian, which  is  that  of  Philadelphia;  the  States  of  the 
Mississippi  Valley,  Alabama,  Georgia,  and  Florida,  and  west- 
ward, including  Texas,  Kansas,  and  the  larger  part  of  Ne- 
braska and  Dakota,  use  the  ninetieth  meridian,  which  is  that 
of  New  Orleans;  the  territories  to  the  western  borders  of 
Arizona  and  Montana  go  by  the  time  of  the  one  hundred  and 
fifth  meridian,  which  is  that  of  Denver ;  and  the  Pacific  States 
employ  the  one  hundred  and  twentieth  meridian. 

The  time  divisions  are  known  as  intercolonial  time,  eastern 
time,  central  time,  mountain  time,  and  Pacific  time.  A  traveler 
passing  from  one  belt  to  another  will  find  his  watch  an  hour 
too  fast  or  too  slow,  according  to  the  direction  in  which  he 
is  going. 

All  points  in  any  time  division  using  the  time  of  the  me- 
ridian must  set  their  time  pieces  faster  or  slower  than  the  time 
indicated  by  the  sun  according  as  their  position  is  east  or  west 
of  the  line. 

This  change  of  system  reduced  the  time  standards  used  by 
the  railroads  from  forty-three  to  five,  a  great  convenience  to 
the  railroads  and  the  traveling  public.  The  suggestion  leading 
to  the  adoption  of  this  new  system  originated  with  Professor 
Abbe,  of  the  Signal  Bureau  at  Washington. 

WHO  PAYS  A  LADY'S  FARE? 

In  going  about,  as  in  omnibuses  and  street  cars,  a  lady  pays 
her  fare  herself.  An  acquaintance  who  happens  to  enter  the 
car  when  she  does,  or  who  meets  her  by  chance  before  she  has 
paid  the  conductor,  does  not  pay  her  fare.  An  old  and  inti- 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  37 

mate  friend  raay  insist  ou  doing  so,  but  this  is  a  different 
matter. 

Never  squabble  over  a  nickel  in  a  street  car.  Women  do  this 
amusingly  when  on  shopping  excursions.  The  better  plan  is 
for  each  woman  to  pay  her  share  of  the  day's  expenses. 

If  guests  are  staying  in  one's  home  it  is  proper  that  the 
host  should  defray  their  expenses,  car  and  carriage  hire 
included,  while  they  remain  under  his  roof. 

ABOUT  SEATS  IN  CARS 

Gentlemen  formerly  invariably  rose  and  offered  seats  to 
ladies  in  street  cars.  The  custom  has  fallen  into  desuetude 
now  for  several  excellent  reasons.  One  is  the  increasing  in- 
dependence of  women  who  compete  with  men  on  equal  terms 
in  every  industrial  field,  and  who,  in  becoming  equals  and  com- 
petitors, have  ceased  to  be  superiors  and,  so  to  speak,  royalties. 
Another  is  the  extreme  rudeness  of  women  who  accept  prof- 
fered seats  without  the  slightest  inclination  of  the  head,  or  the 
very  faintest  word  of  thanks.  Still  another  is  the  manifest 
reason  that  on  long  routes  a  man  who  has  been  working  hard 
all  day  may  resign  his  seat  soon  after  taking  it  to  a  lady  who 
is  leaving  the  car  in  a  very  few  moments.  He  does  not  reclaim 
the  seat  for  which  he  has  paid,  when  she  departs,  for  some 
other  man  pounces  upon  it,  and  the  original  owner,  tired  and 
fagged  and  inwardly  protesting,  may  have  to  stand  for  miles, 
and  go  home  as  cross  as  two  sticks  to  the  supper  which  ought 
to  find  him  in  a  benignant  mood. 

No  woman  who  is  young  and  well  should  feel  aggrieved 
if  a  man  keeps  a  seat  while  she  has  none.  It  is  not  by  right, 
but  by  privilege,  that  she  ever  has  this  courtesy  extended,  and 
in  the  twentieth  century  women  do  not  wish  to  be  treated  as 
though  they  were  the  weaker  sex. 


38  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

A  little  newspaper  anecdote  the  other  day  bears  entertain- 
ingly on  this  mooted  question. 

"Keep  your  seat,  sir,"  said  a  young  lady,  authoritatively,  to 
an  elderly  gentleman  who  seemed  about  to  rise  in  a  street  car. 

He  sank  back,  abashed,  but  presently,  more  resolutely,  rose, 
and  the  lady  with  emphasis  exclaimed : 

"I  will  not  take  your  seat,  I  do  not  mind  standing!  I  am 
accustomed  to  it." 

"Take  the  seat,  madam,  or  leave  it,"  answered  the  gentle- 
man ;  "I  want  to  get  out  of  the  car." 

The  bad  manners  of  women  on  the  road  are  inexcusable 
from  every  point  of  view.  Why  should  a  woman  occupy  two 
seats  when  she  has  paid  for  only  one?  Yet  this  is  constantly 
done.  A  woman  seats  herself  comfortably  and  then  piles  her 
bundles  and  boxes  beside  her,  staring  stonily  ahead,  when 
others  enter  the  conveyance.  The  natural  inference  of  new- 
comers is  that  the  extra  seat  is  being  reserved  for  a  friend, 
and  they  pass  on  without  inquiry.  If  a  more  daring  person 
ventures  to  ask,  "Madam,  is  this  seat  taken?"  the  "No"  is 
grudgingly  spoken,  and  the  luggage  is  removed  with  an  air 
of  injury. 

Women  are  needlessly  brusque  and  curt  in  their  manner 
to  conductors,  and  are  conspicuously  thoughtless  in  allowing 
their  children  to  monopolize  space  to  which  the  latter  have  no 
right. 

A  MINOR  INFLICTION 

Among  the  disagreeable  features  of  a  short  suburban  jour- 
ney may  be  mentioned  the  habit  of  munching  peanuts  or  eating 
fruit  or  candy,  in  which  ill-bred  people  indulge.  A  decorous 
luncheon  eaten  at  the  luncheon  hour  is  not  an  offense  to  any- 
one, but  it  is  a  distinct  misery  to  sit  near  a  party  of  people  who 
are  eating  peanuts  and  scattering  shells  upon  the  floor,  and  the 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  39 

odor  of  oranges  and  bananas  on  a  train  is  nauseating  to 
many. 

As  for  the  chewing-gum  monstrosity,  it  is  simply  unspeak- 
ably hateful.  Fortunately  for  the  hygiene  and  the  comfort  of 
travelers,  the  revolting  habit  of  expectoration  in  public  con- 
veyances is  a  thing  of  the  past;  prohibited  under  penalties  of 
fine  and  imprisonment  by  modern  boards  of  health,  it  has  had 
its  odious  day,  and  no  longer  moves  fastidious  strangers  from 
abroad  to  write  of  us  as  if  we  were  a  horde  of  barbarians 
instead  of  a  refined  and  wholesome  nation,  with  standards  of 
purity  and  excellence  to  maintain. 

STOPPING  AT  A  HOTEL 

In  staying  at  a  hotel  overnight,  or  for  some  days,  a  lady 
traveling  by  herself  need  feel  no  embarrassment.  All  that  is 
requisite  is  a  modest,  self-possessed  demeanor,  and  money 
enough  to  pay  the  bill. 

A  hotel  on  the  European  plan  is  perhaps  the  most  satisfac- 
tory, as  there  is  a  fixed  tariff  for  rooms,  and  one  may  pay  a 
larger  or  smaller  sum,  according  to  her  means.  A  room  with 
bath  attached  is  luxurious,  but  costs  more  than  one  supplied 
only  with  washstand  and  basin.  If  one  takes  the  elevator  to 
her  room  it  may  be  many  stories  from  the  ground  floor  without 
inconveniencing  her. 

Deposit  valuables  or  large  amounts  of  money  with  the  hotel 
people,  who  will  keep  them  in  a  safe  for  you.  They  do  not  as- 
sume responsibility  for  valuables  left  in  rooms.  When  leaving 
your  room  step  to  the  desk  and  leave  the  key  with  the  clerk. 

Does  somebody  inquire  how  the  woman  traveling  alone  se- 
cures her  room  ?  She  steps  to  the  desk  in  the  office,  as  anybody 
else  does,  intimates  her  desire,  and  is  told  the  rates  for  rooms. 
Having  made  her  choice,  the  porter  carries  her  hand  bag  and 


40  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

shows  her  the  room.  If  she  have  no  other  luggage  she  may 
be  required  to  pay  in  advance,  but  this  rule  is  not  universal. 
Rooms  in  fine  city  hotels  are  now  furnished  with  electric  bells 
and  telephones,  so  that  communication  between  room  and  office 
is  easy  and  immediate  in  case  of  need. 

The  restaurant  in  the  building  furnishes  meals,  a  la  carte, 
that  is,  at  a  certain  price  for  every  article.  Sometimes  there 
is  a  table  d'hote  arrangement,  which  means  that  a  meal  of 
several  courses  is  provided  for  a  stipulated  sum. 

Hotels  on  the  American  plan,  and  country  inns,  charge  so 
much  a  day  or  so  much  a  week,  and  provide  lodging,  food, 
and  every  needed  service.  Fires  and  meals  served  in  rooms 
are  extra. 

Dress  very  quietly  in  a  hotel.  Never  wear  anything  re- 
sembling full  dress  in  an  American  hotel,  unless  you  are  in 
a  group  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  dressed  with  elegance  in 
preparation  for  some  function  to  which  all  are  going  later. 

HOTEL  ETIQUETTE  FOR  WOMEN 

A  lady,  obliged  to  stop  at  a  hotel  and  stay  there  some  days 
by  herself,  may  guide  her  conduct  by  the  suggestions  that 
follow,  as  they  are  put  in  a  concrete  form : 

In  giving  an  order  at  a  public  table  a  lady  should  decide 
quickly  what  dishes  she  desires,  and  order  them  in  a  low  but 
distinct  tone. 

No  lady  will  stare  around  the  room,  fidget  with  her  napkin, 
plate,  knife,  or  fork,  play  with  the  salt,  or  exhibit  any  awkward 
embarrassment,  while  waiting  for  a  meal  to  be  served.  It  is 
allowable  to  look  over  a  newspaper  in  the  interval  at  break- 
fast; but  the  habit,  quite  common,  of  carrying  a  novel  to  the 
table  is  not  recommended. 

If  a  lady  accepts  any  civility  from  a  gentleman  at  the  same 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  41 

table,  such  as  placing  butter,  sugar,  or  water  nearer  to  her 
plate,  she  must  thank  him ;  but  by  no  means  start  a  conversation 
with  him. 

If  a  lady  have  friends  at  the  table,  she  may  converse  in  a 
low,  quiet  tone;  but  any  loud  tone,  laughing  extravagantly, 
or  gesticulations,  are  exceedingly  ill-bred.  To  comment  upon 
others  present,  either  aloud  or  in  a  whisper,  is  extremely  rude. 

A  lady  must  never  point  to  a  dish  she  wishes  passed  to  her. 
If  she  cannot  call  it  by  name  a  well-trained  waiter  will  know 
her  wishes  if  she  looks  at  the  dish. 

Any  bold  action  or  boisterous  deportment  in  a  hotel  will 
expose  a  lady  to  the  most  severe  censure  of  the  refined  around 
her,  and  may  render  her  liable  to  misconstruction,  and 
impertinence. 

Greetings  offered  by  other  ladies  at  the  table,  or  in  the  parlor, 
should  not  be  too  hastily  checked,  as  the  acquaintance  so  formed 
is  never  required  by  etiquette  to  be  recognized  elsewhere. 

A  lady  alone  at  a  hotel  should  wear  the  most  modest  and  least 
conspicuous  dress  appropriate  to  the  hour  of  the  day.  Full 
dress  must  not  be  worn  unless  she  has  an  escort  present. 

A  lady  should  never  go  alone  to  the  supper  table  after  ten 
o'clock.  If  she  returns  from  an  entertainment  at  a  late  hour, 
and  has  no  escort  to  supper,  she  should  have  that  meal  sent 
to  her  room. 

A  lady  should  carefully  lock  her  trunks  before  leaving  her 
room  at  a  hotel,  and  should  give  her  money  and  jewelry  into 
the  care  of  the  proprietor  on  her  arrival,  ringing  for  them  if 
she  requires  them  during  her  stay. 

No  lady  should  open  a  window  in  a  hotel  parlor,  if  there 
are  other  ladies  near  it,  without  first  ascertaining  that  it  will 
inconvenience  them. 

No  lady  should  use  the  piano  of  a  hotel  uninvited  if  there 


42  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

are  others  in  the  room.  It  looks  bold  and  forward  to  display 
even  the  most  finished  musical  education  in  this  way.  It  is 
still  worse  to  sing. 

A  lady  should  never  go  herself  to  the  door  of  a  hotel  to 
call  a  hack.  Ring  for  a  servant  to  perform  this  office,  and  he 
will  bring  the  hack  to  the  ladies'  entrance. 

No  lady  should  stand  or  linger  in  the  halls  of  a  hotel,  but 
pass  through  them  quietly,  never  stopping  alone  for  a  moment. 

No  lady  should  stand  alone  at  the  front  windows  of  a  hotel 
parlor,  nor  may  she  walk  out  on  the  porch,  or,  indeed,  any 
conspicuous  place. 

A  lady  is  not  expected  to  recognize  her  friends  across  the 
parlor  or  dining  room  of  a  hotel. 

No  scolding  of  servants  is  permissible  in  a  hotel.  If  they 
are  negligent  or  disrespectful  complain  to  the  housekeeper  or 
landlord;  it  is  their  business  to  keep  the  domestics  in  order, 
not  that  of  their  guests. 

For  a  lady  to  go  up  the  stairs  of  a  hotel  humming  a  tune  is 
ill-bred,  and  may  expose  her  to  rudeness. 

It  is  a  breach  of  etiquette  to  take  any  newspaper,  book,  or 
music  you  may  find  in  a  hotel  parlor  to  your  own  room,  even 
if  you  return  it. 

Lolling  or  lounging  in  a  public  parlor  can  never  be  per- 
mitted to  a  lady. 

It  is  a  breach  of  etiquette  for  a  lady  to  touch  her  baggage 
in  a  hotel  after  it  is  packed.  There  are  plenty  of  servants  to 
attend  to  it,  and  they  should  carry  to  the  hack  even  the  trav- 
eling shawl  and  satchel.  Nothing  looks  more  awkward  than 
to  see  a  lady,  with  both  hands  full,  stumbling  up  the  steps  of 
a  hotel  omnibus. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  43 

SOME  RULES  OF  THE  ROAD 

Do  unto  others  as  you  would  that  they  should  do  unto  you. 

Do  not  fan  so  vigorously  that  a  cold  current  chills  the  back 
of  your  neighbor's  neck. 

Don't  open  a  window  without  ascertaining  whether  so  doing 
will  interfere  with  your  neighbors. 

Never  push,  crowd,  nor  shove.  There  is  always  time  enough 
to  be  courteous  even  in  a  crowd. 

At  a  ferry  present  the  exact  change.  While  the  ticket- 
seller  makes  change  for  three  cents  from  a  five-dollar  bill  for 
you,  fifty  people  behind  are  fuming  lest  they  lose  a  train. 

Be  provided  with  small  change  in  the  cars. 

Do  not  tread  on  people's  feet. 

Do  not  carry  an  umbrella  laterally  under  your  arm.  It  may 
poke  somebody's  eyes  out. 

Never  let  your  cane  or  umbrella  or  your  suit  case  encumber 
a  car  aisle,  to  the  peril  of  others  who  may  trip  over  th§  incum- 
brance  and  be  badly  hurt. 

Do  not  converse  in  loud  tones  with  your  fellow-passenger 
in  the  same  seat. 

Never  engage  in  altercations  with  bumptious  people  who 
wish  to  pick  a  quarrel. 

When  escorting  ladies  be  polite,  but  not  belligerent.  It 
is  most  embarrassing  to  a  woman  to  be  the  subject  of  a  quar- 
rel, as  to  a  seat,  or  somebody's  cigar,  or  any  other  passing 
annoyance. 

Remember  that  amiability  costs  nothing. 

Do  not  leave  articles  on  the  train.  One  who  travels  is  ex- 
pected to  look  out  for  personal  property. 

Always  carry  your  name  and  address  plainly  written  on  a 
card  in  your  pocketbook,  and  also  the  name  and  address  of 
the  relative  or  friend  who  is  to  be  notified  in  case  of  an  acci- 


44  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

dent.  It  is  the  part  of  wisdom  to  provide  for  identification 
should  anything  happen,  this  life  being  very  uncertain  at  all 
times. 

Never  worry.  "God's  in  his  heaven — All's  right  with  the 
world!" 

On  the  whole,  the  rule  of  the  road  for  all  life's  journeys  is 
well  epitomized  in  the  quatrain  by  Edward  Everett  Hale : 

"Look  up,  and  not  down ; 
Look  out,  and  not  in; 
Look  forward,  and  not  back, 
And  lend  a  hand." 

There  are  times  when  to  address  strangers  on  a  journey 
would  be  intrusion  and  officious.  There  are  times  when  not  to 
do  so  would  be  unkind  and  inconsiderate. 

In  the  book  of  Acts  one  may  find  a  good  example  of  the 
passenger  who  says  and  does  the  right  word  and  the  right 
thing  in  the  right  place,  by  reading  the  account  of  the  ship- 
wreck on  the  stormy  coast  of  Malta.  The  man  who  was  a 
prisoner  on  the  ship  going  to  Rome  to  be  tried  before  the 
emperor,  the  man  who  had  no  recognized  duty  toward  cap- 
tain, soldiers,  sailors,  or  passengers,  by  his  own  dominant 
spirit  took  command  and  saved  the  day.  Everybody  else  had 
lost  courage  when  "neither  sun  nor  stars  for  many  days  ap- 
peared." "And  now,"  said  Paul,  "I  exhort  you  to  be  of  good 
cheer:  for  there  shall  be  no  loss  of  any  man's  life  among  you, 
but  of  the  ship.  For  there  stood  by  me  this  night  the  angel  of 
God,  whose  I  am,  and  whom  I  serve,  saying,  Fear  not,  Paul; 
thou  must  be  brought  before  Caesar:  and,  lo,  God  hath  given 
thee  all  them  that  sail  with  thee.  Wherefore,  sirs,  be  of  good 
cheer :  for  I  believe  God,  that  it  shall  be  even  as  it  was  told  me." 

Though  we  search  all  literature  we  shall  not  anywhere  find 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  TRAVELING  45 

better  rules  for  the  conduct  of  life  than  are  laid  down  in  the 
Scriptures.  They  are  based  firmly  on  two  great  principles, 
love  to  God  and  love  to  man. 

"Abou  Ben  Adhem  (may  his  tribe  increase!) 

Awoke  one  night  from  a  deep  dream  of  peace, 

And  saw,  within  the  moonlight  in  his  room, 

Making  it  rich,  and  like  a  lily  in  bloom, 

An  angel,  writing  in  a  book  of  gold. 

Exceeding  peace  had  made  Ben  Adhem  bold, 

And  to  the  presence  in  the  room  he  said, 

'What  writest  thou?'    The  vision  raised  its  head, 

And,  with  a  look  made  all  of  sweet  accord, 

Answered,  'The  names  of  those  who  love  the  Lord.' 

'And  is  mine  one?'  said  Abou.    'Nay,  not  so,' 

Replied  the  angel.    Abou  spoke  more  low, 

But  cheerily  still,  and  said,  'I  pray  thee,  then, 

Write  me  as  one  that  loves  his  fellow-men.' 

The  angel  wrote  and  vanished.    The  next  night 

It  came  again  with  a  great  wakening  light, 

And  showed  the  names  whom  love  of  God  had  blessed, 

And  lo !  Ben  Adhem's  name  led  all  the  rest." 


IV 
GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE 

So  much  of  social  intercourse  is  in  these  days  carried  on 
by  correspondence  that  it  occupies  a  place  in  the  foreground, 
and  is  extremely  important.  Possibly  there  are  still  houses 
where  one  has  to  hunt  from  garret  to  cellar  for  the  means  to 
write  a  letter,  where  the  pens  are  poor,  the  ink  is  thick  and 
dry,  and  the  sheets  of  paper  few  and  far  between.  But  these 
houses  are  exceptional. 

From  Maine  to  California  our  families  are  scattered,  busi- 
ness ramifications  extend  everywhere,  and  letters  must  fly  to 
and  fro.  The  mail  is  carried  by  Uncle  Sam,  swiftly  and  nearly 
always  safely,  and  in  the  comity  of  nations  letters  and  other 
documents  make  the  tour  of  the  globe,  cross  great  mountain 
ranges,  are  borne  over  wide  oceans,  and  find  their  way  to  the 
one  for  whom  they  are  meant. 

The  first  requisites  for  letters  are  pens,  ink,  and  paper. 
Suit  the  pen  to  your  preference;  a  stub,  a  sharp  point,  or  a 
medium  pen  must  be  chosen  to  suit  the  special  taste  of  the 
writer  who  uses  it.  In  ink  the  best  choice  is  a  good  firm 
black.  Colored  inks  are  not  liked  by  society,  or  approved  in 
the  schoolroom,  or  in  business.  Choose  an  ink  that  flows 
freely  from  the  pen,  and  shows  itself  black  at  once,  not  hours 
later. 

Pallid  inks,  faint  and  elusive,  are  abominations.  Write  dis- 
tinctly and  clearly  with  a  good  pen,  with  black  ink,  on  paper 
of  good  quality,  and  no  one  need  criticise  your  taste  or  your 
judgment. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  47 

A  good  quality  of  smooth  note  paper,  cream  or  snow-white, 
is  suitable  for  one's  most  elegant  correspondence.  Less  costly 
note  paper  answers  for  everyday  use.  This  is  simply  a  dis- 
tinction like  that  between  best  and  second-best  clothing.  Paper 
is  so  cheap  that  there  is  no  excuse  for  buying  that  of  poor 
quality. 

Pads  are  convenient  for  family  letters  and  for  other  writing. 
If  the  gifted  daughter  of  the  household  writes  for  the  papers 
let  her  be  abundantly  supplied  with  pads  of  letter  size. 

Postal  cards  should  be  used  only  for  business  inquiries  and 
notifications. 

When  people  wish  to  spend  the  money,  they  may  have  en- 
graved in  gold,  silver,  or  colors,  at  the  top  of  their  nicest  note 
paper,  either  a  crest,  a  monogram,  their  separate  initials,  as 
L.  D.  F.,  or  S.  T.  D. ;  the  name  of  their  home,  as,  Windy 
Crest,  Pine  Hurst,  Bide-a-Wee ;  or  their  residence  in  a  village, 
as  Ossining,  New  York;  Bellefontaine,  Ohio;  Tenafly,  New 
Jersey;  or  their  street  and  number  in  a  city,  as  —  Madison 
Avenue,  New  York,  or  Chicago ;  or  —  Beacon  Street,  Boston, 
or  the  like.  This  must  be  engraved,  never  printed.  It  adds 
to  the  individuality  of  one's  note  paper,  but  is  not  an  essential, 
and,  as  it  is  costly,  frugal  people  are  justified  in  doing  without 
this  extra  touch  of  elegance.  In  point  of  convenience,  where 
people  in  society  have  a  greatly  extended  correspondence,  they 
are  saved  the  labor  of  writing  the  place  of  their  abode  on 
every  letter. 

Persons  who  have  a  very  large  business  correspondence — 
and  some  women  have  this — should  use  envelopes  on  which 
their  post  office  address  and  name  are  printed,  not  engraved. 
Printed  forms  are  right  for  business. 


48  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

THE  TYPEWRITER 

What  we  should  do  without  the  little  machine  that  serves 
us  so  faithfully  I  do  not  know.  The  typewriter  is  in  every 
office,  bank,  factory,  and  countingroom,  and  in  thousands  of 
homes.  It  is  as  familiar  a  friend  as  the  sewing-machine.  Boys 
and  girls  should  learn  to  use  it  just  as  they  learn  to  write 
with  a  pen.  Muscles  cramped  by  the  pen  sometimes  find 
relief  when  the  typewriter  is  exchanged  for  it,  and  in  pub- 
lishing houses  typewritten  manuscript  is  vastly  more  popular 
than  the  most  legibly  hand-written  production. 

The  typewriter  is  limited  to  business  purposes.  It  cannot 
be  utilized  for  friendly  letters,  love-letters,  or  letters  of  an 
intimate,  personal,  or  confidential  character. 

Never  send  a  letter  of  congratulation  or  condolence  in  type- 
writing. To  do  so  is  very  bad  form  indeed. 

A  GOOD  LETTER 

What  constitutes  a  good  letter  ?  First,  the  really  good  letter 
carries  with  it  the  good  wishes  of  the  sincere  soul.  It  is  not 
cold,  perfunctory,  nor  overformal.  Neither  is  it  burdened 
by  long  and  diffuse  apologies  for  not  having  written  sooner, 
nor  weighted  by  flowery  compliments,  nor  does  it  mean- 
der through  meaningless  sentences  to  a  lame  and  halting 
conclusion. 

A  letter  is  a  message  from  friend  to  friend.  Something  to 
say  is  its  excuse  for  being.  The  letter  that  is  most  like  good 
talk,  like  the  vital  expression  of  one  friend  to  another,  of 
information,  faith,  hope,  cheer,  or  courage,  is  the  best  possible 
letter. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  49 

FORMS  OF  SALUTATION  AND  CONCLUSION 
A  formal  letter  to  an  entire  stranger  may  be  begun  thus  : 

3FonatIjan  Etc&arfcs, 
tear 


and  concluded  thus: 

©erp  respectful!?, 
or, 

fiinrerelp 


If  the  letter  be  sent  to  a  lady  who  is  an  entire  stranger  it 
may  be  begun  similarly  : 

Rx*.  William  Crabts, 


and  may  be  closed  as  above. 

It  is  equally  agreeable  to  good  form  to  address  a  letter  to 
Jonathan  Richards,  Esq.,  "My  dear  Mr.  Richards"  ;  or  to  Mrs. 
William  Travis,  "My  dear  Mrs.  Travis." 

When  the  persons  are  well  known  to  you  do  not  use  the  full 
name  as  above,  in  beginning,  but  simply  commence  with  "My 
dear  Mr.  Richards,"  or  "My  dear  Mrs.  Travis." 

Observe  that  "My  dear"  indicates  formality,  while  "Dear 
Mr.  Richards,"  or  "Dear  Mrs.  Travis,"  indicates  familiarity. 

A  letter  from  a  wife  to  her  husband  or  a  husband  to  his 
wife  may  begin  in  any  tender  and  loving  way,  and  be  signed, 
"Devotedly  yours,"  or  "Ever  your  own,"  or  in  any  terms  of 
endearment  that  are  natural  in  the  most  intimate  relation  on 
earth.  Nothing  is  too  emphatic,  and  nothing  can  be  exag- 
gerated in  the  loving  expressions  appropriate  between  the 
happily  married. 


50  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

To  engaged  lovers  a  good  deal  of  sentiment  may  be  allowed, 
but  they  should  somewhat  restrain  their  ardor,  mindful  that 
engagements  may  be  broken;  yet  not  hesitating  to  address 
the  beloved  one  affectionately.  Though  banality  is  to  be 
avoided,  betrothed  lovers  have  reason  to  let  their  pens  express 
what  their  hearts  feel,  always  observing  the  good  rule  to  write 
nothing  of  which  either  might  be  ashamed  were  it  proclaimed 
from  the  housetop. 

Silly  diminutives,  trivial  catchwords,  and  foolish  phrases 
are  best  omitted  from  love-letters.  Why  should  a  love-letter 
fail  in  dignity  or  be  clothed  in  less  beautiful  raiment  than 
love  deserves  to  wear? 

THE  SIGNATURE 

Every  letter,  unless  sent  to  a  member  of  one's  family,  should 
be  signed  in  full,  as  Mary  Johnson,  Eleanor  Harris,  Elizabeth 
Mason,  Charles  Arnold,  William  Morris  Phelps,  Arthur  Ken- 
nedy. The  middle  name  is  signed  by  some  with  an  initial,  as 
John  H.  Thompson,  Emily  G.  Ward,  Alice  B.  Johns.  If  you 
have  hitherto  used  this  form  it  may  not  be  well  to  change  it, 
as  it  has  become  what  is  known  as  your  legal  signature,  but 
if  you  have  not  thought  much  about  the  matter,  and  are  now 
deciding  it,  write  your  middle  name  out  in  full. 

One's  signature  should  be  very  plainly  written.  Some  peo- 
ple write  a  four-page  letter  in  perfectly  plain  characters,  and 
sign  it  at  last  with  a  disgraceful  scrawl,  so  blind  that  no  human 
being  can  make  it  out.  This  is  one  of  those  blunders  that 
come  very  near  being  crimes.  One's  signature  stands  for  one's 
self.  It  does  not  make  the  least  difference  whether  or  not  one 
writes  what  is  called  a  beautiful  hand.  About  beauty  in  hand- 
writing there  may  be  widely  differing  opinions.  But  one 
ought  to  write,  as  a  matter  of  courtesy  and  of  good  morals,  a 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  51 

perfectly  legible  hand,  that  anyone  may  read  without  difficulty 
or  strain  upon  eyesight. 

Sign  your  letters  clearly,  and  never  omit  in  any  letter  your 
full  post  office  address.  Although  you  suppose  that  your  cor- 
respondent knows  where  you  live,  still  be  careful  not  to  tax 
his  or  her  memory  if  it  have  proved  treacherous. 

In  case  a  letter  goes  astray  it  will  be  safely  returned  from 
the  Dead  Letter  Office  if  your  full  name  and  address  are 
within  it.  An  additional  precaution  is  this,  to  write  your 
address  on  the  outside  of  your  envelope,  in  the  upper  left- 
hand  corner,  so  that  if  the  letter  does  not  reach  its  destination 
it  may  be  returned  to  you. 

A  married  lady  signs  her  name  Margaret  Otis,  and  puts 
Mrs.  John  Otis  in  brackets  a  little  to  the  left  and  a  trifle  below 
the  above  signature.  Never  sign  your  name  Mrs.  Otis,  or 
Mrs.  Brown,  or  Miss  Smith,  or  Miss  Joyce. 

No  matter  to  whom  you  write,  remember  that  the  rule  above 
given  is  an  iron-clad  one  in  good  society. 

WHEN  IN  MOURNING 

If  in  mourning,  and  you  wish  to  signify  that  you  have  been 
bereaved,  let  the  style  of  your  note  paper  be  conservative.  A 
narrow  line  of  black  is  sufficient,  just  the  merest  border,  on 
note  paper  and  envelopes.  Too  deep  and  wide  a  border  is  not 
in  good  taste. 

SEALING,  STAMPING,  AND  DIRECTING  LETTERS 

Wax  may  be  used  in  sealing  letters  if  one  prefer  to  use  it. 
The  envelopes  in  common  use  are  securely  gummed,  so  that 
wax  is  not  necessary,  and  unless  one  can  stamp  the  wax 
quickly  and  deftly  it  is  not  worth  while  to  go  to  any  trouble 
in  the  matter. 


52  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

The  postage  stamp  should  be  placed  on  the  upper  right-hand 
corner  of  the  envelope.    A  letter  should  be  directed  as  follows  : 


Clober  Creett, 

Countp, 


the  lines  not  running  amuck  over  the  paper,  but  keeping  them- 
selves in  straight,  severe  order. 

Address  a  clergyman  thus  :  Rev.  John  Borland  Payson,  D.D., 
or,  Rev.  Dr.  John  Borland  Payson. 

A  physician's  letter  is  properly  directed,  Hugh  Murray,  M.D. 

In  writing  to  the  wives  of  these  gentlemen  address  them  as 
Mrs.  John  Borland  Payson,  and  Mrs.  Hugh  Murray. 

A  non-professional  friend  may  be  addressed,  Mr.  John  Bent- 
ley,  or,  John  Bentley,  Esq. 

Should  you  have  occasion  to  write  to  the  Chief  Executive 
of  the  nation,  on  the  outside  of  your  letter  write,  "The  Presi- 
dent of  the  United  States." 

LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION 
A  good  form  for  a  letter  of  introduction  is  the  following  : 

Beto  porfe,  ©ctober  12,  1904. 


Hear  ;fflrs, 

Jflap  $  Jjatoe  tlje  pleasure  of  presenting  to  pou  mp 
frientt  ^Htes  Kosc  f&pattl&ing,  to&o  toupee  to  consult  j>ou 
about  t|)c  2PtntoaoU  Settlement  toorft,  in  iuljtclj  elje  is  in. 
trrcsstci?  ixnotoinj  pour  acquaintance  toitf)  social  settle^ 
ment  toorfe,  2T  ^a»e  assureU  5cf  of  pottr  fetnTmess  as  a 
listener.  &np  fabor  pou  map  ejctentt  to  jltttss  §>pauHiinff 
tuill  be  appreciated  bp 

Pours  sincerelp, 

<£mmrltne  Kossiter. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  53 

And  another  briefer  form  might  be: 

Beta  forfe,  ©ctofrer  12,  1904. 


Bear  ^lr.  ^Tngersoll  : 

|)ermtt  ine  to  introfcnre  to  pour  fatoorable  notice  fftr. 
f)ollister. 

fein&est  regar&s,  3f  am 

jFait&fuIlp  pours, 


A  visiting  card  often  serves  the  purpose  of  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction. If  thus  used,  across  the  upper  part  of  the  card  should 
be  written,  "Introducing  Miss  Brown  to  Mrs.  Robertson." 
This  card  should  be  inclosed  in  a  small,  unsealed  envelope. 

Never  seal  a  letter  of  introduction.  For  that  matter,  never 
seal  a  letter  sent  to  a  friend  by  a  friend's  hand.  A  letter  sent 
by  a  business  messenger  is  properly  sealed. 

INVITATIONS  AND  ANNOUNCEMENTS 

These  are,  properly,  engraved  forms  on  pasteboard.  In  a 
later  chapter  they  will  be  treated  more  in  detail.  It  is  best 
to  follow  whatever  is  the  fashion  of  the  hour  in  these  matters, 
and  this  is  best  ascertained  by  reference  to  a  stationer,  who  can 
furnish  you  with  the  latest  mode. 

Should  an  informal  invitation  be  sent  in  a  letter  to  a  friend, 
asking  her  to  visit  you,  the  following  is  a  very  graceful  form  : 


Ikierp  33anfe,  JBteto  3Tersep, 
©ctober 


Sear  ffiv&.  Eosss  : 

3Tt  toill  gibe  me  toerp  great  pleasure  if  pott  toill  cpenB 
a  f  eto  Baps  tottj)  me,  tofjile  tlje  cottntrp  is  still  in  its  gorgeous 
autumnal  Uress.  Will  pou  not  come  out  on  CftursDap 


54  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

afternoon  ner,t,  ana  remain  until  tljc  following  Cursaap 


3f  inclose  a  timetable,    let  me  fenoto  pour  train, 
00  tbat  S  map  meet  pou  at  tbc  citation. 

Anticipating;  pour  coming;  mtth  jrreat  jop,  %  am 
CorUiallp  pours, 

J&atberine  ianeino;. 

Observe,  that  it  is  now  customary  to  mention  the  desired 
length  of  a  visit  and  to  limit  it  by  definite  days.  This  makes 
it  easy  for  guest  and  hostess  to  arrange  for  other  engagements. 

A  lady  may  announce  the  betrothal  of  a  daughter  by  an 
informal  letter  sent  to  her  friends,  after  this  fashion  : 

3Sroofeltne,  ^assacbnscits, 

J&obember  §trtl). 
^Hp  Hear  jFrancea  : 

3F  take  it  for  jrantefc  that  pou  are  go  raucl)  a  frienU 
of  our  I)ou6cl)oli  that  pou  \aill  epinpatlji^r  in  Ctittb's  bap* 
pmrcs  tol)rn  3f  tell  pou  tljat  cbc  bad  met  announced  Ijcr  rn- 
gao;ement  to  ^Hr.  boiuaro  €llctuortl),  a  man  of  tobom  bcr 
fatbcr  anH  S  tborougljlp  approve.  Cbep  mill  not  be 
until  (Eagter,  but  felicitations  are  in  orUer. 
9lffectionatelp  pours, 
eiinor 


LETTERS  OF  CONDOLENCE 

A  letter  of  condolence  should  be  sincere  and  unaffected,  as 
well  as  short.  Eyes  dim  with  tears  cannot  pore  over  lengthy 
epistles.  The  letter  of  sympathy  should  be  like  this: 


J&eto  porfe,  Bobember 
Sear  ^Jlw.  Sims  : 

££ith  tbe  Ueepeat  sorroto  ^  babe  reaU  the  announce* 
ment  of  pour  eon's  Scatb,     $  cannot  tell  pou  holu  fullp  3T 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  55 

enter  into  pottr  BaBnc6£!,narI)ato  mp  fceart  acljes  for  pott  at  t&ta 
moment.    ;pap  our  ^eaaenlp  Jat&er  comfort  pott  anU 

pott  to  bear  t!ie  great  loss  pott  bate  sttstatneB, 
^tncerelp  pours, 


Whether  to  use  numerals  or  to  write  a  date  in  script  is  a 
matter  of  preference. 

ACKNOWLEDGING  LETTERS  OF  CONDOLENCE 

It  is  a  sufficient  acknowledgment  of  a  letter  of  condolence 
to  send  your  visiting  card,  with  "thanks  for  sympathy"  written 
over  your  name.  But  in  replying  to  such  letters  no  form  is 
needed.  Let  the  heart  respond  in  the  simplest  words  that  can 
be  chosen. 

CHILDREN'S  LETTERS 

Children  should  be  encouraged  to  write  letters  to  their  friends 
and  relatives,  and  the  doing  this  must  be  considered  a  part  of 
their  education.  Never  open  a  child's  letter.  Let  him  or  her 
enjoy  this  pleasure.  At  the  same  time,  if  a  child  shows  you  the 
letter,  as  usually  a  child  does,  read  it  with  interest.  All  a 
child's  life,  letters  included,  should  lie  like  an  open  book  before 
the  eyes  of  parents. 

HINTS  TO  YOUNG  GIRLS 

Will  the  young  girls  accept  a  few  practical  hints  about 
their  letters  ? 

"A  new  paragraph  should  be  commenced  for  every  new 
subject.  When  there  is  not  enough  matter  for  more  than  two 
pages  it  is  best  to  finish  the  letter  on  the  third  or  fourth  page, 
leaving  the  second  one  blank.  A  letter  concluding  on  the 
second  page  has  a  rather  awkward  appearance.  Some  people 
dodge  about  in  a  very  uncomfortable  way  from  the  first  page 


56  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

to  the  third,  then  to  the  second  and  fourth,  so  that  the  letter 
has  to  be  turned  over  many  times  before  it  can  be  read.  Young 
ladies  should  not  adopt  a  style  which  gives  the  reader  so  much 
trouble. 

"In  writing  a  letter  to  a  business  man  it  is  better  to  open 
the  paper  out  flat  and  begin  at  the  left-hand  inner  side.  By 
this  means  the  time  of  the  reader  will  be  saved,  as  he  can  see 
the  whole  matter  at  a  glance — a  great  point  when  he  is,  per- 
haps, a  busy  editor  or  publisher,  when  it  may  even  increase 
the  chance  of  the  writer's  acceptance. 

"Although  abruptness  is  a  most  unpleasant  fault  in  cor- 
respondence, an  involved  style  is  still  more  distressing.  A 
concise  style  should  be  striven  for,  and  in  letters  of  business  the 
subject  should  be  plainly  stated  first,  the  explanation  following 
afterward.  The  same  rule  applies  to  a  letter  of  apology,  or  a 
letter  in  which  a  favor  has  to  be  asked ;  the  regret  or  the  re- 
quest should  be  expressed  at  starting,  the  explanation  to  follow. 

"The  refusal  of  a  request  is  said  to  be  the  hardest  thing  in 
the  world  to  do  gracefully,  but  this  is  less  difficult  in  writing 
than  in  conversation.  A  letter  of  thanks  is  a  difficult  thing  to 
write,  as  it  is  not  easy  to  steer  between  the  faults  of  gushing 
and  coldness,  but  a  letter  of  condolence  is  worse,  as  everyone 
must  feel  who  has  ever  attempted  to  write  one.  No  extrane- 
ous matters  should  be  put  in  a  letter  of  condolence,  no  news 
about  the  writer,  for  example;  it  must  keep  strictly  to  the 
matter  in  hand.  The  letter  must  not  stir  up  the  grief  afresh, 
yet  it  must  not  appear  cold  and  unsympathetic.  Brevity  is 
really  advisable  in  a  letter  of  this  description ;  a  line  of  sym- 
pathy is  all  that  is  requisite,  and  anything  more  is  apt  to 
become  impertinent  or  painful. 

"Business  letters  should  be  answered  by  return  of  post,  and 
the  same  rule  must  be  applied  to  invitations  for  dinner.  All 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CORRESPONDENCE  57 

invitations  should  be  answered  within  a  day,  if  possible,  as 
delay  in  this  matter  looks  as  though  the  recipient  were  waiting 
to  see  if  anything  more  agreeable  would  turn  up. 

"A  girl  should  not  waste  much  time  on  useless  letter-writ- 
ing, but  she  should  remember  to  write  to  people  to  whom  a 
letter  is  always  welcome,  such  as  to  relatives  at  a  distance,  to 
invalids,  or  people  who  lead  lonely,  monotonous  lives. 

"A  letter  is  often  a  great  treat  to  an  elderly  aunt,  or  an  aged 
governess,  and  the  pleasure  of  a  letter  to  an  invalid  can  scarcely 
be  calculated.  There  are  many  little  kindnesses  which  may  be 
done  by  means  of  a  friendly  note,  just  as  a  ray  of  sunshine 
may  come  through  the  smallest  chink.  But  a  girl  is  wiser  to 
stay  her  hand  when  it  comes  to  corresponding  with  young 
men,  and  it  is  much  better  for  her  not  to  commence  corre- 
spondence with  any  man  except  her  betrothed  lover. 

"History  shows  us  that  all  the  letters  which  have  been  most 
carefully  preserved  from  past  centuries  are  those  which  the 
writers  have  implored  should  be  destroyed  at  once.  We  never 
know  into  whose  hands  a  letter  may  ultimately  fall,  so  it  is 
wiser  never  to  write  anything  which  one  may  afterward  have 
occasion  to  regret. 

"Three  things  may  never  return,  says  the  Arab  proverb — 
the  flying  hour,  the  opportunity,  and  the  spoken  word;  and 
the  written  word  is  even  more  difficult  to  recall,  so  I  would 
counsel  my  girl  readers  to  think  twice  before  they  speak,  but 
fifty  times  before  they  write  what  they  may  afterward  wish 
they  had  never  penned." 


57i  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

*American  titles  may  be  classified  as  follows :  Social,  or  titles 
of  respect;  Scholastic,  or  titles  of  attainment  in  course,  and 
Official,  or  titles  of  service — ex-officio.  The  omission  of  titles 
of  respect  and  courtesy,  professional  and  official,  in  addressing 
others,  betrays  in  any  case  want  of  delicacy  and  refinement,  and 
in  some  cases  amounts  to  actual  rudeness. 

Social  Titles  usually  employed  are  Mister  (Mr.)  formerly 
Master,  Sir,  Esquire  (Esq.),  Gentlemen  (plural  only),  Master 
(applied  to  boys),  Mistress  (Mrs.),  Madam,  Miss,  and  Ladies. 
Mr.  may  be  applied  to  men  of  all  classes,  whether  high  or  low, 
but  Esq.  is  properly  applied  only  to  persons  of  some  prominence 
in  society. 

Scholastic  Titles  are  degrees  and  other  honors  conferred  by 
institutions  of  learning,  or  acquired  in  the  lawful  exercise  of  a 
learned  profession.  They  may  precede  or  follow  the  name:  as 
Prof.  J.  D.  Williams,  or  J.  D.  Williams.  AM. ;  or  Dr.  J.  D. 
Williams,  or  J.  D.  Williams,  M.D. 

Official  Titles  include  all  the  titles  applicable  to  officers  in  the 
civil,  military  and  naval  service  of  the  United  States  and  of  the 
several  States.  Civic  titles  belong  to  the  office  and  not  to  the 
incumbent,  though  it  is  customary,  as  a  form  of  compliment,  to 
continue  the  title  on  the  officer's  retiring  from  public  service. 

When  titles  or  degrees  applicable  to  the  same  person  are  the 
same  in  kind,  and  but  one  is  given,  they  are  placed  in  the  order 
of  their  honor  or  precedence.  Titles  should  not  be  assumed  by 
the  writer  in  private  correspondence,  but  in  an  official  commu- 
nication of  any  kind  the  signature  should  be  followed  by  the 
writer's  office  or  rank,  or  its  abbreviation.  A  scholastic  title 
should  not  be  appended  to  a  signature  unless  it  is  at  the  same 
time  professional. 

Two  of  the  titles  of  courtesy  cannot  be  joined  to  the  same 
name,  nor  can  they  be  used  in  connection  with  literary,  profes- 
sional and  military  titles,  such  as  Prof.,  Dr.,  Col.,  Hon.,  A.M., 
Ph.D.,  D.D.  An  exception  is  made,  however,  when  writing  to  a 


CORRECT  FORMS  OF  ADDRESS  5711 

clergyman  whose  surname  alone  is  known,  when  he  may  be  ad- 
dressed as  Rev .  Mr.  Blank.  And  if  a  married  man  has  a  pro- 
fessional or  literary  title  prefixed  to  his  name,  Mrs.  may  be 
used  before  it  to  denote  his  wife;  as  Mrs.  Dr.  Williams.  Such 
combinations  as  Mr.  J.  D.  Williams,  Esq.,  or  Mr.  Dr.  Williams, 
are  not  to  be  tolerated. 

Two  literary  or  professional  titles  may  be  added  to  one  name 
i  f  one  does  not  include  or  presuppose  the  other :  Rev.  Dr.  Hall, 
Rev.  A.  P.  Graves,  D.D.,  When  two  or  more  titles  follow  a 
name,  they  must  be  written  in  the  order  in  which  they  are  sup- 
posed to  have  been  conferred.  The  following,  for  example,  are 
arranged  in  the  proper  order :  A.M.,  M.D.,  Ph.D.,  D.D.,  LL.D., 
F.R.S.  The  proper  title  in  writing  to  two  or  more  persons,  if 
they  are  men,  is  Messrs,  (for  Messieurs,  gentlemen)  ;  if  young 
ladies,  Misses;  if  married  or  elderly  ladies,  Mesdames  (pro- 
nounced Ma-dahm) .  If  none  of  these  apply,  use  no  title. 

The  following  list  illustrates  the  various  titles  used  in  this 
country,  among  individuals,  either  in  the  complimentary  ad- 
dress, or  superscription  on  the  envelope : 

TITLES  USED  IN  THE  UNITED  STATES. 

His  Excellency — The  President  of  the  United  States,  Gov- 
ernor of  any  State,  Ministers  to  foreign  countries. 

Honorable — Vice-President  of  the  United  States,  members 
of  the  Cabinet,  members  of  Congress,  heads  of  Departments, 
Assistant-Secretaries,  Comptrollers  and  Auditors  of  the  Treas- 
ury, Clerks  of  the  Senate  and  House  of  Representatives,  State 
Senators,  Judges,  Mayors  of  cities. 

TITLES  OF  FEDERAL  OFFICIALS. 

There  is  no  law  or  regulation  concerning  titles  to  be  applied 
to  officials  of  the  general  government.  On  the  contrary  con- 
gress has  expressly  refused  to  authorize  or  recognize  titles  of 
any  sort,  and  at  its  first  session  by  resolution  declared  that  the 
president  o'f  the  United  States  should  be  addressed  without  any 
title  whatever.  By  a  formal  vote  it  was  also  decided  to  address 


GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  vice-president  and  the  speaker  of  the  house  of  representa- 
tives in  a  similar  manner. 

On  the  2Qth  of  May,  1789,  congress  passed  a  law  forbidding 
the  word  "Honorable"  to  be  prefixed  to  names  of  members  of 
the  senate  and  house  of  representatives,  but  custom  and  usage 
have  established  certain  distinctions  and  forms  which  people  are 
expected  to  observe,  and  failure  to  do  so  is  usually  attributed  to 
ignorance  and  inexperience.  The  following  forms  show  the 
manner  in  which  the  chief  officers  of  the  government  should  be 
addressed  in  writing: 

The  President. 

The  Vice-President. 

The  Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representatives. 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  State. 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury. ) 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  War. 

The  Honorable,  the  Attorney-General. 

The  Honorable,  the  Postmaster-General. 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  the  Navy. 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  the  Interior. 

The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  Agriculture. 

The  Honorable,  the  Commissioner  of  Labor. 

The  commissioners  or  heads  of  bureaus  should  be  addressed 
in  a  similar  manner.  The  assistant  secretaries  of  the  several 
departments  should  be  addressed  by  name  if  there  is  more  than 
one,  as  follows:  The  Honorable  Scott  Wike,  Assistant-Secre- 
tary of  the  Treasury,  Washington,  D.  C. 

The  Chief  Justice.  (The  associate  justices  should  be  ad- 
dressed by  name,  viz :  The  Honorable  John  M.  Harlan,  Asso- 
ciate Justice  of  the  Supreme  Court,  Washington,  D.  C.) 

The  General  of  the  Aimy,  or  Major-General  John  M.  Scho- 
field,  U.  S.  A. 

Officers  of  the  navy  should  be  addressed  by  name,  as  Rear- 
Admiral  E.  A.  K.  Benham,  U.  S.  N.  (Military  and  naval  offi- 


CORRECT  FORMS  OF  ADDRESS  571  v 

cers  should  always  be  addressed  by  the  highest  brevet  or  actual 
rank  they  ever  held.)  The  titles  used  in  conversation  should 
be: 

Mr.  President.    Mr.  Vice-President. 

Mr.  Speaker. 

The  term  Mr.  Secretary  should  be  addressed  to  all  the  mem- 
bers of  the  cabinet,  including  the  attorney-general  and  the 
postmaster-general. 

The  heads  of  bureaus  should  be  addressed  as  Mr.  Commis- 
sioner, and  the  assistant  secretaries  of  the  several  departments 
are  called  Mr.  Secretary  by  courtesy. 

Mr.  Chief  Justice.  (The  associate  justices  should  be  ad- 
dressed as  Mr.  Justice.) 

The  officers  of  the  army  and  navy  should  be  addressed  by  the 
highest  brevet  or  actual  rank  they  had  ever  held.  If  a  former 
general  of  volunteers  now  holds  a  commission  in  the  army  as 
captain,  as  is  the  case  with  several,  he  should  be  addressed  as 
"General"  in  conversation. 

MISCELLANEOUS  TITLES. 

His  Excellency  and  Mrs.  William  H.  Taft 

Governor  and  Mrs.  John  A.  Dix. 

Hon.  and  Mrs.  Thos.  B.  Reed. 

Rev.  Dr.  and  Mrs.  T.  De  Witt  Talmage. 

Professor  and  Mrs.  J.  F.  Wilkinson. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  R.  Fairbarns. 

Drs.  John  M.  and  F.  A.  Hewitt. 

Drs.  Walter  C.  and  Mary  C.  Williams. 

Mr.  W.  T.  and  Mrs.  Dr.  Robert  Good. 

Rev.  H.  E.  and  Mrs.  Dr.  E.  C.  Howe 

Rev.  Mrs.  William  Bass. 

Rev.  Mrs.  W.  H.  Crow. 

Rev.  Irene  Stevens. 

Rev.  Miss  Irene  Stevens. 


GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 


FOREIGN   COUNTRIES. 

(In  the  case  of  each  form  of  address  the  superscription  al- 
ways comes  first,  and  then  follows  the  address  proper  at  the  be- 
ginning of  the  letter.  ) 

1.  Emperor  or  King: 

"To  the  King's  Most  Excellent  Majesty,"  "Sire,"  or  "May  it 
please  Your  Majesty." 

2.  Empress  or  Queen: 

"To  the  Queen's  Most  Excellent  Majesty,"  "Madam,"  or 
"May  it  please  Your  Majesty." 

3.  Imperial  or  Royal  Prince: 

"To  His  Royal  Highness  Prince"  (Christian  name).  If  a 
Duke—  "To  His  Royal  Highness  the  Duke  of  -  —  ."  "Sir," 
refer  to  as  "Your  Royal  Highness." 

4.  Imperial  or  Royal  Princess: 

"To  Her  Royal  Highness  the  Princess"  (Christian  name). 
If  a  Duchess  —  "To  Her  Royal  Highness  the  Duchess  of  -  ." 
"Madam,"  refer  to  as  "Your  Royal  Highness." 

5.  Other  Princes  of  the  Blood: 

"To  His  (or  Her)  Royal  Highness,"  "Royal  Highness." 

6.  President  of  a  Republic: 

"To  the  Illustrious  President  of  the  Republic  -  ,"  "Illus- 
trious President." 

7.  Duke: 

"To  His  Grace  the  Duke  of  -  ."  "My  Lord  Duke,"  or 
"May  it  please  Your  Grace." 

8.  Duchess: 

"To  Her  Grace  the  Duchess  of  -  ."  "Madam."  Refer  to 
as  "Your  Grace." 

A  Duke's  daughter  is  addressed  as  "The  Right  Hon.  Lady 
(Christian  name  and  surname)."  or  "The  Lady  (Christian 
name  and  surname)."  Begin  "Madam."  Refer  to  as  "Your 
Ladyship." 


CORRECT  FORMS  OF  ADDRESS  57vi 

If  married  to  a  Peer,  she  is  addressed  according  to  her  hus- 
band's rank. 

A  Duke's  eldest  son  takes  his  father's  second  title,  and  is  ad- 
dressed as  "Marquis"  or  "Earl."  The  younger  sons  are  styled 
each  "Lord,"  and  his  wife  "Lady." 

9.  Marquis  or  Marchioness: 

"To  the  Most  Honorable  the  Marquis   (or  Marchioness) 

of  ."     "My  Lord  Marquis,"  or  "Madam."     Refer  to  as 

"Your  Lordship,"  or  "Your  Ladyship." 

'•     A  Marquis'  eldest  son  takes  his  father's  second  title,  and  is 
addressed  as  Earl  or  Count. 

10.  Earl  or  Count,  Viscount,  or  Baron: 
"To  the  Right  Hon.  the  Earl  of ." 

"To  the  Right  Hon.  the  Lord  Viscount  of ." . 

"To  the  Right  Hon.  Lord ." 

"My  Lord."    Refer  to  as  "Your  Lordship." 

11.  Baronet  or  Knight: 

"To  Sir  (Christian  name  and  surname),  Bart."    "Sir." 
In  case  of  a  Baronet's  wife — "Lady  (surname)."  "Madame." 
Refer  to  as  "Your  Ladyship." 

12.  Minister,  Ambassador,  Governor,  General,  etc.: 

In  case  of  a  Minister  of  the  Government — name  of  the  Min- 
ister, with  title  according  to  rank — (thereafter)  "H.  B.  M/s 
Minister  Resident, ." 

In  case  of  an  Ambassador — "To  His  Excellency  (name,  with 
title  according  to  personal  rank),  H.  B.  M.'s  Ambassador  and 
Plenipotentiary." 

"Sir,"  or  "My  Lord"  (according  to  personal  rank). 

In  case  of  the  Governor  of  a  Colony — "To  His  Excellency 
(name,  with  title  according  to  rank),  Governor  of ." 

Begin  according  to  rank,  and  refer  to  as  "Your  Excellency." 

In  case  of  an  Officer  in  the  Army  and  Navy — the  professional 
rank  is  prefixed  to  the  personal "General ." 

"Admiral  the ."    "Col. ." 


57vii  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

13.  Judge,  etc.: 

English  or  Irish— "To  the  Hon.  Sir "  (if  a  Knight),  or 

"The  Hon.  Mr.  Justice ." 

"Sir." 

On  the  bench  addressed  as  "My  Lord,"  and  referred  to  as 
"Your  Lordship." 

Lord  Chief  Justice— "To  the  Right  Hon.  Lord  Chief  Justice." 

"My  Lord." 

Judge  of  County  Court — "To  His  Honor  Judge ." 

On  the  bench  referred  to  as  "Your  Honor." 

Scottish  Judge— "To  the  Hon.  Lord ." 

"My  Lord."    Refer  to  as  "Your  Lordship." 

Lord  Advocate — "The  Right  Hon.  the  Lord  Advocate,"  or, 
in  strict  official  documents,  "His  Majesty's  Advocate  for  Scot- 
land." 

"Sir,"  but  more  usually  "My  Lord." 

14.  Lord  Mayor  of  London,  York  or  Dublin: 

"To  the  Right  Hon.  the  Lord  Mayor  of .'" 

"My  Lord  Mayor."    Re'fer  to  as  "Your  Lordship." 

His  wife  styled  "Lady  Mayoress,"  is  personally  addressed  as 
"Your  Ladyship." 

15.  Mayor: 

"To  the  Right  Worshipful  the  Mayor  of ." 

"Sir."    Refer  to  as  "Your  Worship." 

16.  The  Pope: 

"To  His  Holiness  Pope ." 

"Holy  Father."    Refer  to  as  "Your  Holiness." 

17.  Cardinal: 

"To  His  Eminence Cardinal ." 

"Eminence,"  or  "Most  Eminent." 

18.  Archbishop: 

"The  Most  Rev.  His  Grace  the  Lord  Archbishop  of ." 

In  case  of  an  Irish  Archbishop — "The  Most  Rev.  the  Arch- 
bishop of ." 


CORRECT  FORMS  OF  ADDRESS 

"My  Lord  Archbishop."  Refer  to  as  "Your  Grace/" 

19.  Bishop: 

"The  Right  Rev.  the  Lord  Bishop  of ." 

"My  Lord  Bishop."    Refer  to  as  "Your  Lordship." 

20.  Dean: 

"The  Very  Reverend  the  Dean  of ." 

"Very  Rev.  Sir." 

21.  Archdeacon: 

"The  Venerable  the  Archdeacon  of ." 

"Venerable  Sir." 

22.  The  Clergy: 

"The  Rev.  (Christian  name  and  surname)." 

23.  Gentleman: 

"(Christian  and  surname),  Esq." 
"Sir"  (or  "Dear  Sir,"  or  "My  Dear  Sir."). 
A  business  firm,  or  two  or  more  gentlemen,  are  addressed  as 
"Messrs. ."    "Sirs,"  "Dear  Sirs,"  or  "Gentlemen." 

24.  Married  Lady: 

"Mrs. ."    "Madam,"  or  "Dear  Madam." 

25.  Unmarried  Lady: 

"Miss  ."     "Madame,"  or  "Dear  Madame,"  or  "Dear 

Miss ." 

Two  young  ladies  are  addressed  as  "The  Misses ." 

*  from  "  Vest  Pocket   Writing  Desk  Book " 
By  Permission  of  David  McKay,  Publisher,  Phila,  Pa. 


No  question  is  more  frequently  asked  than  this :  "How  shall 
I  introduce  people  to  one  another  ?" 

The  matter  is  perfectly  simple.  Only  a  few  precautions 
may  be  indicated.  Note  that  one  introduces  a  younger  lady  to 
an  older  one,  not  the  reverse,  and  presents  a  gentleman  to  a 
lady,  not  a  lady  to  a  gentleman. 

Thus,  introducing  a  college  classmate  to  one's  mother  or 
aunt,  one  would  say,  "Mother,  this  is  Myra  Betts;  Myra,  my 
mother,  Mrs.  Allen;"  or,  "Aunt  Mary,  may  I  present  Miss 
Chase?  Miss  Chase,  Mrs.  Munson."  A  little  ceremony  is 
better  than  too  great  informality. 

One  may  say,  "Mrs.  Brown,  may  I  present  Mr.  Jones  ?" 

Always  speak  the  names  very  distinctly  when  introducing 
people  to  one  another.  Never  mumble  them  under  your  breath. 
[Utter  them  plainly. 

There  are  ceremonious  introductions  and  unceremonious  in- 
troductions, premeditated  introductions  and  unpremeditated 
introductions;  but,  in  all  cases,  introductions  should  never  be 
indiscriminately  made — that  is  to  say,  without  a  previous 
knowledge  on  the  part  of  those  making  introductions  as  to 
whether  the  persons  thus  introduced  will  be  likely  to  appre- 
ciate one  another,  or  the  reverse,  or  unless  they  had  expressed 
a  desire  to  become  acquainted;  as,  for  instance,  a  lady  would 
not  introduce  two  of  her  acquaintances  residing  in  the  same 
town  although  moving  in  different  circles  to  each  other  unless 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  59 

they  had  each  expressed  such  a  desire;  as  an  undesired  in- 
troduction, if  made,  would  oblige  the  one  person,  to  whom  the 
introduction  was  the  more  unwelcome,  to  treat  the  other 
•with  rude  disregard  or  to  continue  an  acquaintance  that  was 
distasteful. 

Therefore,  should  the  slightest  doubt  exist  as  to  how  an 
introduction  would  be  received — whether  the  meditated  intro- 
'duction  was  a  spontaneous  desire  on  the  part  of  a  lady  or 
gentleman  that  two  of  her  or  his  friends  should  become  known 
to  each  other,  or  whether  one  person  has  expressed  a  wish  to 
make  the  acquaintance  of  another  person,  and  has  expressed 
that  wish  to  a  mutual  friend — the  received  rule  is  to  consult 
the  wishes  of  both  persons  on  the  subject  before  making  an 
introduction.  But  if  a  difference  of  station  or  age  exists  be- 
tween the  two  persons,  it  is  sufficient  to  ascertain  the  wishes 
of  the  person  of  the  greater  dignity. 

The  person  about  to  make  the  introduction  should  say  to 
Mrs.  A. — but  not  in  the  hearing  of  Mrs.  B. — "May  I  intro- 
duce Mrs.  B.  to  you?"  or  use  some  such  formula,  according 
to  the  degree  of  intimacy  existing  between  herself  and  Mrs.  A. 

With  regard  to  his  own  sex,  a  gentleman,  on  the  contrary, 
is  generally  as  exclusive  as  to  the '  acquaintanceships  which 
he  forms  as  is  a  lady  with  regard  to  the  acquaintanceships 
which  she  forms.  "Reciprocity  of  taste"  is  the  basis  on  which 
acquaintanceships  between  men  are  established,  subject,  in 
a  certain  measure,  to  social  position ;  though  this  rule  is  itself 
subject  to  wide  exceptions. 

It  is  etiquette  for  a  gentleman  to  ask  a  mutual  friend,  or 
an  acquaintance,  for  an  introduction  to  a  lady,  and  it  is  the 
accepted  rule  to  do  so  when  a  gentleman  desires  to  be  intro- 
duced to  a  particular  lady ;  but  gentlemen  do  not  ask  to  be 
introduced  to  each  other,  unless  some  special  reason  exists  for 


60  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

so  doing — some  reason  that  would  commend  itself  to  the  per- 
son whose  acquaintance  was  desired,  as  well  as  to  the  person 
making  the  introduction ;  otherwise,  such  a  wish  would  appear 
to  be  either  puerile  or  sycophantic.  Thus  the  request  might 
meet  with  a  refusal,  and  the  proffered  acquaintanceship  be 
declined. 

When  a  lady  meets  a  man  whom  she  knows,  it  is  her  priv- 
ilege to  take  the  initiative  and  bow  first.  She  should  be  sure 
she  does  know  him,  and  be  sure  to  catch  his  eye.  Passing  and 
repassing  in  street  or  promenade,  a  single  bow  answers  every 
requirement.  You  need  not  bow  like  a  Chinese  mandarin 
every  time  you  meet  your  friend. 

Many  people  are  a  little  in  doubt  as  to  introductions  out-of- 
doors,  and  they  are  rather  a  matter  of  inclination  than  of  strict 
etiquette.  If  a  young  lady  were  walking  out  with  a  lady  to 
whom  she  was  on  a  visit  she  would  introduce  every  friend 
whom  she  happened  to  meet,  and  her  hostess  would  do  the 
same. 

In  walking  it  is  correct  always  to  keep  to  the  right  side  of 
the  path.  All  collisions  are  avoided  by  this  method. 

When  two  people  are  walking  together  the  young  lady  walks 
on  the  inner  side,  as  she  is  supposed  to  need  protection.  A 
gentleman  on  walking  with  her  must  always  walk  outside, 
however  often  he  had  to  change  over  during  the  course  of  the 
walk,  and  a  married  lady  would  also  take  care  to  place  the 
unmarried  girl  inside.  A  gentleman  always  allows  a  lady  to 
take  precedence  except  when  the  contrary  is  necessary  for  her 
protection;  for  instance,  he  would  go  first  to  clear  a  way  for 
her  in  a  crowd,  or  leaving  a  building  that  is  crowded.  In 
entering  a  hotel  dining  room  she  goes  first. 

"A  lady  usually  takes  precedence,  yet  it  is  sometimes  difficult 
for  a  girl  newly  out  of  the  schoolroom  to  remember  that  times 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  61 

are  altered  for  her  and  she  is  now  to  be  waited  upon  like  a 
queen. 

"A  young  lady,  and  for  that  matter  an  older  one,  should 
know  how  to  accept  attentions  with  grace  and  ease.  It  is 
proper  that  doors  should  be  opened  for  her  and  she  should 
pass  through  them  first;  that  her  parcels  should  be  carried, 
and  that  h?r  errands  up  and  down  the  house  should  be  under- 
taken cheerfully  by  her  brothers,  cousins,  and  kinsmen — 
never,  however,  by  her  father,  or  any  elderly  masculine 
relative." 

RIDING— ITS  ETIQUETTE 

Riding  has  become  a  popular  diversion  in  the  North  of  late. 
It  has  always  been  popular  in  the  South,  where  the  people  go 
about  on  horseback  for  convenience  as  well  as  for  pleasure, 
and  girls  are  accustomed  to  the  saddle  from  babyhood. 

In  cities  and  public  parks  young  ladies  never  ride  without 
an  escort.  If  the  escort  be  a  groom  he  rides  a  little  in  the 
rear,  with  a  vigilant  eye  to  offer  any  service  that  may  be 
necessary. 

An  English  authority  gives  these  directions : 

"Absolute  neatness  is  the  most  important  point  about  a 
riding-habit,  and  anything  bright  or  remarkable  is  always  con- 
sidered in  bad  taste.  The  hair  should  be  very  compact,  the 
habit  quiet  in  color  and  simple  in  cut.  A  girl  never  looks  to 
more  advantage  than  in  her  habit,  and  she  may  feel  a  pardon- 
able pride  in  being  well  turned  out. 

"In  mounting,  the  habit  must  be  gathered  up  and  held  in 
the  left  hand;  the  rider  then  places  herself  as  close  to  the 
horse  as  possible,  with  her  right  hand  on  the  pommel.  The 
gentleman  who  is  assisting  her  then  stoops  and  places  his 
right  hand,  palm  upward,  at  a  convenient  distance  from  the 


62  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ground.  The  lady  puts  her  left  foot  into  his  hand,  and  then 
springs  upward  into  the  saddle  as  he  lifts  her." 

One  must  remember  that  in  riding  it  is  essential  to  be  on 
good  terms  with  one's  horse.  A  person  who  forgets  this  and 
loses  self-control  is  almost  certain  to  be  a  bad  rider,  and  to 
spoil  his  horse. 

In  learning  to  ride,  learn  to  understand  the  horse.  This 
good  friend  of  ours  possesses  as  much  individuality  as  a 
human  being.  No  two  horses  are  precisely  alike  any  more 
than  two  children  in  a  family  are  alike. 

The  first  essential  in  riding  is  a  firm  seat;  the  next  a  nice 
hand  on  the  rein. 

Robert  Weir,  who  is  a  noted  writer  on  the  subject  of  riding, 
gives  the  following  directions  to  riders : 

"The  man  who  has  good  hands  and  seat — and  they  go  very 
much  together — is  he  who  sits  well  down  in  the  middle  of  his 
saddle  in  an  easy,  natural  position,  the  upper  part  of  his  body 
over  his  hips,  or,  if  inclined  either  way,  a  little  back ;  his  thigh 
well  down  the  flap  of  the  saddle,  and  the  lower  part  of  his 
leg  about  covering  the  girth ;  the  body  supple,  not  resisting 
the  action  of  the  horse.  The  elbows  should  always  be  under 
the  shoulders,  without  stiffness,  and  the  hands  should  give 
and  take,  so  as  not  at  any  time  to  have  a  dull,  hard  feeling  on 
the  horse's  mouth.  The  leg  should  work  in  unison  with  the 
hand.  It  will  be  found  that  the  man  who  rides  in  the  position 
described  will  in  applying  the  leg  draw  it  a  little  back,  so  that 
the  horse  feels  the  pressure  just  behind  the  girth. 

"The  man  who  has  good  hands  and  seat  will  not,  if  his  horse 
throw  his  head  up  and  throw  his  nose  out,  immediately  clutch 
the  reins  shorter  and  ram  his  legs  or  spurs  into  the  animal's 
sides,  but  will  drop  his  hand  for  a  moment,  and  then  when  the 
horse  drops  his  nose,  as  he  is  almost  certain  to  do,  will  quietly 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  63 

shorten  the  reins  a  little,  and  close  the  legs  so  as  to  endeavor  to 
keep  him  there." 

A  girl  should  learn  to  ride  as  early  in  life  as  a  boy,  and 
as  fearlessly.  In  these  days  she  may,  if  she  choose,  abandon 
the  sidesaddle  which  many  women  consider  dangerous,  and 
which  is  certainly  not  comfortable,  and  ride  just  as  her  brother 
does,  on  the  man's  saddle.  The  vogue  of  the  divided  skirt 
has  made  this  possible,  and  a  woman  is  not  singular  who  rides 
precisely  as  a  man  does. 

The  bicycle  is  not  now  quite  so  fashionable  as  it  was  a 
few  years  ago,  particularly  in  cities,  although  women  who  live 
in  the  country  find  it  one  of  the  joys  of  the  summer  days. 

Once  having  learned  to  ride  well,  a  woman  is  independent 
with  regard  to  errands,  short  trips,  and  occasional  excursions. 
Nothing  is  pleasanter  than  to  take  a  trip  through  a  beautiful 
country  on  a  wheel,  in  good  company,  by  which  I  mean,  with  a 
friend  like-minded  who  enjoys  outdoor  air  and  exercise. 

Husbands  and  wives  may  enjoy  great  pleasure  by  riding 
either  a  horse  or  a  bicycle.  The  advantage  in  the  latter 
case  is,  perhaps,  that  the  bicycle  takes  little  room  and  requires 
comparatively  little  care,  while  a  horse  must  be  cared  for  with 
the  same  anxiety  and  discretion  that  one  gives  to  any  other 
member  of  the  family. 

DRIVING— ITS  SECRETS 

In  learning  to  drive  begin  with  one  horse.  The  first  lesson 
is  to  hold  the  reins  properly  and  to  sit  in  a  good  position  on 
the  driving-seat.  The  left  hand  and  wrist  should  be  held 
straight,  not  stiffly,  but  naturally:  the  little  finger  down,  the 
thumb  and  first  finger  uppermost.  The  elbows  should  be  close 
to  the  body. 

To  learn  to  drive  well  requires  time  and  patience.     Study 


64  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  methods  of  a  good  coachman.  If  possible,  let  one  who  is 
a  past  master  in  the  art  of  driving  give  you  a  few  lessons  and 
show  you  all  that  there  is  to  be  known. 

A  woman  should  understand  the  method  of  harnessing  a 
horse,  and  before  starting  on  a  journey  it  is  important  to  know 
that  every  bit  of  the  harness,  the  reins  and  everything  con- 
nected with  the  gear,  are  just  as  they  should  be. 

Few  things  are  more  delightful  than  to  sit  behind  perfectly 
broken  ponies  and  drive  along  a  smooth  road  in  a  beautiful 
part  of  the  country. 

WALKING-ITS  PLEASURES 

Though  very  many  people  need  never  expect  either  to  ride 
or  drive,  still  everyone  who  has  two  feet  may  walk.  It  is  a 
good  thing  to  learn  to  enjoy  pedestrianism.  Possibly  few  of 
us  walk  enough.  A  person  in  good  health  should  not  be  sat- 
isfied with  a  walk,  in  this  climate,  of  less  than  three  or  four 
miles  a  day.  There  are  women  who  have  accustomed  them- 
selves to  much  longer  walks  than  this,  and  who,  in  good 
weather,  think  nothing  of  walking  eight  or  ten  miles  at  a 
stretch. 

To  get  the  full  benefit  of  a  walk  one  should  wear  a  com- 
fortable shoe,  broad-soled,  low-heeled,  and  fitting  well  over 
the  instep.  A  short  skirt  is  also  desirable,  as  nothing  hampers 
one  in  walking  so  much  as  having  to  hold  a  long  trailing  skirt. 
To  get  the  full  advantage  from  walking  it  should  not  be 
sporadic,  but  should  be  undertaken  as  a  duty,  at  a  certain  hour 
every  day. 

As  solitary  walking  is  only  enjoyed  by  one  of  a  reflective 
turn  of  mind,  it  is  best  to  secure  the  company  of  some  one  who 
enjoys  the  same  amusement.  Two  friends,  or  a  group  of 
friends,  in  fine  weather,  may  easily  undertake  to  walk  through 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  65 

a  county  or  a  state,  taking  some  days  for  the  excursion  and 
stopping  overnight  at  convenient  farmhouses  or  inns. 

For  this  outing,  some  provision  must  be  made  against  rain, 
and  a  raincoat  and  light  umbrella  must  be  carried.  Very 
little  luggage  must  be  taken  when  one  walks  for  pleasure,  and 
it  is  well  on  long  excursions  to  pack  a  grip  or  telescope  before- 
hand, and  send  it  by  express  to  meet  the  party  at  an  objective 
point.  Students  often  take  long  walking  tours,  coming  home 
bronzed  and  clear-eyed,  with  muscles  firm  and  buoyant  health, 
also  with  a  minute  acquaintance  with  scenery  impossible  to 
gain  when  it  is  seen  from  the  top  of  a  'bus  or  the  window  of 
a  steam  car. 

ENTERING  A  CARRIAGE 

In  driving  and  automobiling,  a  girl  has  the  pleasure  in  the 
one  case  of  manipulating  the  reins,  and  in  the  other  of  speed- 
ing on  at  a  fast  rate,  while  nothing  of  flesh  and  blood  is  being 
tired.  If  a  girl  attempts  to  drive  she  must  learn  every  detail 
of  the  art,  or  else  she  will  make  an  awkward  and  clumsy  ap- 
pearance. An  old  farmer  used  to  say,  "I  never  trust  Mary  Ann 
with  horses,  though  I  trust  her  with  everything  except  horses, 
bless  her  heart !" 

Whatever  you  do  or  do  not,  learn  how  to  enter  and  leave 
a  carriage  gracefully.  Some  people  merely  tumble  out  and 
in.  A  lady  of  my  acquaintance  went  for  twelve  successive 
summers  to  stay  weeks  at  a  place  she  did  not  like,  and  where 
she  had  many  discomforts,  because  they  had  a  high  and  broad 
platform  from  which  she  could  easily  step  into  carriages,  and 
to  driving  she  was  addicted  beyond  any  other  pastime. 

"To  get  into  a  carriage  gracefully  is  a  necessary  art,  and 
should  be  performed  without  either  loitering  or  haste.  If  a 
*ady  is  going  to  sit  with  her  face  to  the  horses,  and  there  is  one 
step  to  the  carriage,  she  puts  her  left  foot  on  it;  if  there  are 


66  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

two  steps,  she  puts  her  right  foot  on  the  first,  and  her  left 
on  the  second,  so  as  to  enter  the  carriage  with  her  right  foot, 
and  sink  easily  into  her  seat.  If  she  is  going  to  sit  with  her 
back  to  the  horses  the  action  is  reversed,  and  the  carriage  is 
entered  with  the  left  foot.  When  a  young  lady  is  driving 
with  only  one  other  lady  who  is  her  hostess,  she  should  enter 
the  carriage  first,  taking  the  further  seat  facing  the  horses,  so 
that  her  friend  is  not  obliged  to  pass  her.  When  driving  with 
her  mother,  a  young  lady  would  only  occupy  the  front  seat 
next  her  mother  if  no  other  lady  were  present.  If  there  are 
two  daughters,  the  elder  one  sits  next  her  mother,  the  younger 
one  opposite.  The  usual  hours  for  driving  are  from  2:40  to 
4 :3O  during  the  winter,  and  from  3  to  6 130  during  the  summer." 

ABOUT  PAYING  A  VISIT  FOR  THE  FIRST  TIME 
As  has  already  been  said,  "One  social  difficulty  is  now 
nearly  always  removed,  and  that  is  any  doubt  as  to  the  dura- 
tion of  a  visit.  Old-fashioned  etiquette  prescribed  that  any 
mention  of  a  date  for  departure  was  a  breach  of  hospitality 
on  the  part  of  the  host,  and  the  guests  must  often  have  felt 
sorely  perplexed  as  to  the  length  of  time  they  were  expected 
to  remain!  Modern  good  sense  has  done  away  with  this  dif- 
ficulty, and  it  is  found  that  the  mention  of  the  duration  of  a 
visit  is  an  assistance  both  to  hostess  and  guest.  The  hostess 
desires  to  entertain  a  series  of  visitors,  and  the  guest  is  sure 
to  have  plans  of  her  own.  The  probable  length  of  the  visit  is 
nearly  always  mentioned  in  the  letter  of  invitation ;  the  hostess 
writes,  'We  hope  you  will  be  able  to  come  to  us  on  Tuesday  the 
second,  and  remain  until  the  ninth'  (or  'stop  for  the  flower 
show/  or  'the  tennis  tournament').  Supposing  that  no  date 
for  departure  is  mentioned  in  the  letter,  it  will  be  the  guest's 
business  to  mention  it  as  soon  as  possible,  either  on  the  first 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  67 

or  second  day  of  the  visit.  A  girl  can  say,  'Mother  will  want 
me  back  by  next  Monday,  because  our  cousins  are  coming  to 
stay ;'  or  'she  will  not  like  me  to  be  away  longer  than  a  week, 
because  of  the  housekeeping.'  The  hostess  always  expresses 
sorrow  at  the  departure  of  a  guest,  and  generally  asks  her  to 
extend  her  visit ;  but  whether  this  is  accepted  or  not  is  always 
a  case  for  individual  judgment,  as  it  is  easy  to  see  whether  the 
proposition  is  made  in  earnest  or  is  merely  a  fagon  de  parler." 

What  to  wear  when  going  away  for  a  few  days  is  a  puzzle, 
unless  one  takes  with  her  a  steamer  trunk.  To  carry  enough 
articles  for  comfort  in  a  suit  case  or  hand  bag  is  possible  for 
a  week's  end  visit,  or  for  a  night,  but  a  stay  of  some  days  in  a 
strange  house  means  the  need  of  several  pretty  toilettes. 

IT  ALL  DEPENDS  ON  THE  PLACE 

The  selection  of  toilettes  is  often  difficult,  and  it  happens 
that  half  the  chosen  costumes  spend  the  greater  part  of  their 
time  in  the  wardrobe,  while  their  unhappy  owner  is  sighing 
her  heart  out  for  the  gown  she  has  left  at  home.  Winter 
clothes  are  always  necessary  for  a  visit  in  the  mountains,  and 
a  good  thick  jacket  or  ulster  is  required  when  the  visitor  is 
likely  to  have  much  driving.  Neat  plain  hats  are  needed  for 
driving,  and  veils  are  also  necessary  if  one  wishes  to  keep 
tidy  hair.  The  general  style  of  toilette  chosen  depends  on  the 
style  of  living,  for  every  country  house  has  its  own  ways ; 
and  while  in  some  houses  everyone  sits  down  to  dinner  in  full 
dress,  and  all  are  as  smart  as  if  they  were  going  to  a  dinner 
party  in  town,  in  others  nobody  troubles  much  about  dress, 
and  people  do  very  much  as  they  please,  only  taking  care 
never  to  wear  soiled  and  tumbled  clothes  or  to  appear  in 
garments  conspicuously  unsuitable  for  any  occasion. 

People  pay  visits  in  large  parties  in  the  country,  so  a  young 


68  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

lady  need  not  be  afraid  of  being  de  trop  when  she  is  invited  to 
join  an  excursion  to  visit  country  neighbors.  If  she  has  friends 
in  the  neighborhood  with  whom  her  mother  is  unacquainted, 
she  can  leave  one  of  her  joint  cards  upon  them,  if  they  are  out, 
first  running  her  pencil  through  her  mother's  name. 

A  visitor  does  not  expect  to  see  anything  of  her  hostess  in 
the  morning,  for  the  chatelaine  is  rarely  visible  between  break- 
fast and  lunch.  It  would  not  be  right  for  the  visitor  to  in- 
trude on  her  hostess  at  this  time,  or  to  offer  to  assist  her  in 
her  domestic  duties.  A  visitor  is  supposed  to  find  amusement 
for  herself  until  lunch:  she  can  write  her  letters,  or  amuse 
herself  in  any  way  she  fancies.  She  should  not  accept  any 
invitations  without  first  consulting  her  hostess,  whether  she 
is  staying  in  a  town  or  country  house. 

It  is  not  correct  to  leave  an  open  letter  about  in  another 
person's  house. 

As  a  rule,  the  hostess  makes  the  first  move  when  bedtime 
comes.  The  guest,  unless  old  and  feeble,  never  speaks  of 
retiring  until  the  hostess  suggests  it. 

TIPS  TO  THE  MAIDS 

There  are  hostesses  who  have  a  pronounced  aversion  to  their 
maids  accepting  presents  from  departing  guests.  But  where 
no  such  dislike  exists  a  little  gift  of  money  on  leaving,  or  else 
a  pretty  handkerchief  or  a  pair  of  gloves,  or  some  trifle  for  the 
neck,  will  be  appreciated  by  the  domestic  who  has  had  extra 
work  owing  to  the  incursion  of  guests. 

Courtesy  to  those  who  wait  on  one  is  a  sign  of  good  breed- 
ing. Only  a  rude  and  uncultivated  person  is  thoughtless  in  her 
behavior  to  the  help  in  her  own  house  or  those  of  her  friends. 
Also  the  lady  or  the  gentleman  takes  pains  to  be  courteous  in 
shops  and  stores,  and  never  shows  irritability  there. 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  69 

A  tip  if  given  should  not  be  very  large,  and  should  be  quietly 
slipped  into  the  hand  of  the  maid  on  the  morning  a  visitor 
leaves.  Better  than  tips,  however,  are  kind  looks  and  words. 

Domestics  appreciate  the  people  who  always  remember  their 
names,  who  take  pains  to  inquire  for  them,  and  who  treat 
them  as  human  beings. 

This  is  equally  true  of  saleswomen.  "When  Mrs.  

comes  into  our  store,"  said  a  girl  behind  the  counter,  "she  is 
so  charming  and  so  pleasant  she  lights  up  the  whole  place. 
She  brings  the  morning  in  with  her." 

MONOPOLIZING  THE  TALK 

It  is  bad  manners  to  take  all  the  conversation,  and  to  at- 
tempt to  play  the  hostess  in  another  person's  house;  bad 
manners  to  interrupt  a  speaker,  even  if  he  is  telling  a  twice-told 
tale.  We  should  all  have  opinions  of  our  own,  and  be  able 
to  maintain  them  when  necessary ;  but  what  can  be  more  un- 
mannerly than  the  contentious  person  who  springs  up  like  a 
jack-in-the-box  to  contradict  an  assertion  almost  before  it  is 
out  of  the  speaker's  mouth?  "Do  you  like  that?  I  don't,"  is 
forever  on  the  lips  of  the  ill-bred  person,  who  forgets  that  it 
is  desirable  in  society  to  find  points  on  which  we  can  agree 
with  our  neighbors. 

Never  make  haste  to  supply  a  word  if  a  person  hesitates  and 
hunts  about  in  his  mind  for  one.  Wait  quietly  till  the  missing 
word  is  found  by  the  brain  of  the  one  who  is  talking. 

Never  say  bluntly,  "I  don't  agree  with  you." 

Never  try  to  have  the  last  word. 

Anthony  Trollope,  whose  novels  of  English  life  are  so  true 
and  entertaining  that  no  library  is  complete  without  them,  was 
personally  very  pugnacious  in  conversation.  "What  was  that 
you  said?  I  entirely  differ  from  you,"  he  would  shout  across 


70  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

a  drawing  room !  Fancy  such  an  Indian  club  and  war  whoop 
style  of  talk,  and  by  all  means  avoid  it. 

Avoid,  too,  the  dreaming  habit  into  which  sometimes  we 
thoughtlessly  drift.  Absence  of  mind  makes  people  commit 
many  solecisms,  and  when  this  habit  is  carried  on  to  later 
life  it  is  not  easy  to  correct.  But  young  people  should  not 
allow  themselves  to  be  absent-minded,  they  should  take  an 
interest  in  what  is  going  on  around  them.  It  is  rude  to  enter 
into  a  tete-a-tete  in  a  small  company  where  general  conversa- 
tion is  desirable ;  rude  to  get  away  into  a  corner  and  whisper 
with  other  girls,  and  giggle  like  a  schoolgirl  for  no  reason.  In- 
quisitiveness  is  worse  than  absent-mindedness,  and  one  should 
not  allow  oneself  to  become  a  living  note  of  inquiry.  We  can 
find  out  anything  under  the  sun  by  the  aid  of  twenty  questions, 
but  we  should  not  behave  like  highwaymen,  so  as  to  leave  our 
friends  no  defense  but  falsehood.  It  is  better  to  avoid  asking 
many  questions,  and  inquiries  should  never  be  made  on  the 
subject  of  age  or  income.  A  straightforward  manner  is  always 
a  charm,  and  if  I  had  to  define  a  perfect  manner  I  should  be 
inclined  to  give  the  palm  to  one  that  was  quite  straightforward 
and  attentive,  most  absorbed  in  the  thing  in  hand. 

Self-restraint  is  indispensable  in  the  intercourse  of  human 
beings.  Ages  ago  the  wisest  of  men  said,  "Better  is  he  that 
ruleth  his  spirit  than  he  that  taketh  a  city."  This  is  equally 
true  to-day.  Nobody  will  be  tolerated  who  always  strives  to 
have  her  own  way ;  .nobody  is  so  dreaded  as  the  loud-voiced, 
aggressive  person  who  refuses  to  yield  the  least  point  in  the 
conversational  game.  Girls  especially  should  not  sacrifice  too 
much  to  the  caprice  of  the  moment. 

Especially  are  the  manners  of  a  girl  tested  by  the  way  in 
which  she  behaves  to  her  elders,  and  she  must  remember  that 
no  attention  is  too  great  for  the  young  to  pay  the  old.  Young 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  71 

people  are  happier  together  without  the  constraint  of  elderly 
company,  still  they  should  not  openly  avoid  that  company,  or 
make  their  elders  feel  out  in  the  cold.  There  is  a  certain  type 
of  girl  to  whom  an  elderly  person  is  always  a  frump  or  a 
fogy,  an  object  of  ridicule,  and  to  be  avoided  or  ignored  as 
much  as  possible.  Self-denial  is  necessary  to  make  youth  tol- 
erant of  age,  but  the  attentions  of  youth  are  so  welcome  to 
the  elder  that  this  is  a  virtue  which  may  be  said  to  bring  its 
own  reward.  The  young  girl  must  listen  patiently  to  the  old 
man's  story,  though  it  may  possibly  be  a  little  prosy,  and  she 
should  be  ready  to  play  or  sing  or  do  anything  in  her  power, 
with  sweet  willingness,  immediately  when  asked.  She  does  not 
realize  how  wonderful  and  beautiful  it  seems  to  her  elders 
that  here  is  a  bright  being  with  the  world  at  her  feet  and  all 
the  pleasant  years  before  her.  A  glad  heart  and  a  bright 
young  face  mean  much  in  a  gathering  of  people  where 
there  are  sure  to  be  some  heavy  hearts,  some  sorrow-lined 
countenances. 

The  young  men  always  gravitate  toward  the  pretty  girls,  yet 
it  is  a  question  whether  their  admiration  of  them  is  more  spon- 
taneous and  more  sincere  than  that  of  the  older  ones,  who  look 
wistfully  at  them,  recalling  happy  days  that  are  no  more,  and 
humming  under  breath  some  such  song  as,  "O,  don't  you 
remember  sweet  Alice,  Ben  Bolt?" 

I 
BY  WAY  OF  A  SUMMARY 

We  may  fitly  group  in  this  place  a  few  rules,  easy  to  fix  in 
the  mind: 

Always  introduce  the  gentleman  to  the  lady — never  the  lady 
to  the  gentleman.  The  chivalry  of  etiquette  assumes  that  the 
lady  is  invariably  the  superior  in  right  of  her  sex,  and  that 
the  gentleman  is  honored  in  the  introduction. 


72  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Never  present  a  gentleman  to  a  lady  without  first  asking 
her  permission  to  do  so. 

When  a  gentleman  is  introduced  a  lady  usually  offers  her 
hand,  but  a  courteous  bow  is  the  only  necessity. 

Remember,  please,  that  in  meeting  new  acquaintances  in 
one's  own  house  one  cordially  shakes  hands.  It  is  gracious  to 
offer  the  hand  on  being  introduced.  An  elderly  lady  has  the 
privilege,  and  a  clergyman  always  does  this. 

Persons  who  have  met  at  the  house  of  a  mutual  friend  with- 
out being  introduced  should  not  bow  if  they  afterward  meet 
elsewhere.  A  bow  implies  acquaintance;  and  persons  who 
have  not  been  introduced  are  not  acquainted. 

If  you  are  walking  with  one  friend,  and  presently  meet 
with,  or  are  joined  by,  a  second,  do  not  commit  the  too  frequent 
error  of  introducing  them  to  each  other. 

A  sister  may  present  her  brother,  or  a  mother  her  son, 
without  any  kind  of  preliminary. 

Friends  may  introduce  friends  at  the  house  of  a  mutual  ac- 
quaintance ;  but,  as  a  rule,  it  is  better  to  be  introduced  by  the 
mistress  of  the  house.  Such  an  introduction  carries  the  greater 
authority. 

Introductions  at  evening  parties  are  now  almost  wholly  dis- 
pensed with.  Persons  who  meet  at  a  friend's  house  are  osten- 
sibly upon  an  equality,  and  pay  a  bad  compliment  to  the  host 
by  appearing  suspicious  and  formal. 

Some  old-fashioned  people  persevere  in  introducing  each 
newcomer  to  all  the  assembled  guests.  It  is  a  custom  that 
cannot  be  too  soon  abolished,  and  one  that  places  the  last  un- 
fortunate visitor  in  a  singularly  awkward  position.  All  that 
she  can  do  is  to  make  a  semicircular  courtesy,  like  a  concert 
siTiger  before  an  audience,  and  bear  the  general  gaze  with  as 
much  composure  as  possible. 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  OTHER  SOCIAL  FORMS  73 

Equally  embarrassing  is  the  custom  of  leading  a  guest  around 
a  room  and  introducing  him  to  everyone  present  in  turn.  This 
should  never  be  done.  A  good  hostess  introduces  people  inci- 
dentally as  they  are  standing  or  sitting  about  during  an  evening 
reception. 

SALUTATIONS 

"The  bow  is  the  touchstone  of  good  breeding,"  was  once 
said  by  a  French  writer  of  note. 

In  no  one  of  the  trivial  observances  that  good  society  calls 
for  is  there  a  more  unerring  test  of  the  breeding,  training, 
nurture,  or  culture  of  a  person  than  the  manner  in  which  the 
salutation  of  recognition  is  made. 

An  inclination  of  the  head  is  often  sufficient  between  gen- 
tlemen, or  a  gesture  of  the  hand,  or  the  mere  touching  of 
the  hat ;  but  in  bowing  to  a  lady  the  hat  must  be  lifted  entirely 
from  the  head. 

A  bow  does  not  entail  a  calling  acquaintance,  and  to  neglect 
it  shows  neglect  in  early  education  as  well  as  a  deficiency  in 
cultivation  and  in  the  instinct  of  refinement. 

A  gentleman  walking  with  a  lady  returns  a  bow  made  to  her 
(lifting  his  hat  not  too  far  from  his  head),  although  the  one 
bowing  is  an  entire  stranger  to  him. 

It  is  a  civility  to  return  a  bow  although  you  do  not  know  the 
one  who  is  bowing  to  you. 

Bowing  once  to  a  person  on  a  public  promenade  or  drive  is 
all  that  civility  requires. 

Gentlemen  lift  their  hats  when  passing  ladies  who  are 
strangers  on  staircases,  in  corridors,  in  elevators,  and  entering 
public  rooms.  Should  they  have  occasion  to  pass  ladies  who 
are  already  seated  in  lecture  and  concert  rooms,  or  the  like, 
they  should  beg  pardon  for  disturbing  them.  A  man  removes 
his  hat  in  a  hotel  elevator. 


74  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

A  lady  receiving  gives  her  hand  to  a  stranger  as  to  a  friend, 
when  she  wishes  to  bestow  some  mark  of  cordiality  in  welcom- 
ing a  guest  to  her  home,  but  a  gentleman  ought  not  to  take  the 
initiative  in  hand-shaking. 

If  a  lady  offers  her  hand  to  a  gentleman  he  should  not 
grasp  it  too  cordially,  as  it  takes  but  a  slight  pressure  to  be 
painful  when  rings  are  worn. 

A  gentleman  must  not  shake  hands  with  a  lady  until  she  has 
made  the  first  movement.  It  would  be  exceedingly  rude  and 
underbred  not  to  give  his  hand  instantly  should  she  extend 
her  own. 

A  lady  does  not  take  a  gentleman's  arm,  nor  does  he  presume 
to  take  hers,  unless  she  is  fainting,  or  a  cripple. 


VI 
CONCERNING  COURTSHIP 

How  fast  the  children  grow  up !  One  day  they  are  wee  tots 
clinging  to  the  mother's  skirts,  and  the  next  day  they  are  tall 
boys  and  girls,  beginning  to  be  interested  in  something  more 
than  their  schoolbooks,  and  the  next,  lo  and  behold!  they  are 
young  people  in  the  garden  of  Eden,  with  Eden's  roses  bloom- 
ing for  them,  and  love  weaving  around  them  enchanting  spells. 
Fathers  and  mothers  rub  their  eyes  in  amazement.  They  can- 
not believe  that  their  Joe  and  their  Emily  are  old  enough  to 
be  thinking  of  love  and  marriage,  but  grandmothers  are  wiser. 
They  are  in  France  the  chosen  confidantes  of  the  lovers,  who 
in  that  country  have  so  few  of  the  privileges  American  young 
people  enjoy. 

They  are  often  the  confidantes  here,  for  they  have  leisure, 
and  they  have  floated  over  the  waters  of  romance  as  their 
heads  have  grown  white. 

There  are  a  good  many  ways  of  falling  in  love,  and  a  good 
many  reasons  why  it  is  the  right  thing  for  the  young  to  do. 
A  theme  the  poets  never  tire  of  is  love.  Scott's  ringing  verse 
is  full  of  it.  There  are  few  lyrics  more  stirring  than  the 
one  that  tells  the  story  of 

YOUNG  LOCHINVAR 

Oh,  young  Lochinvar  is  come  out  of  the  west, 
Through  all  the  wide  Border  his  steed  was  the  best; 
And  save  his  good  broadsword  he  weapon  had  none, 
He  rode  all  unarmed,  and  he  rode  all  alone ! 


76  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

So  faithful  in  love,  and  so  dauntless  in  war, 
There  never  was  knight  like  the  young  Loch  invar ! 

He  stayed  not  for  brake,  and  he  stopped  not  for  stone, 

He  swam  the  Esk  river  where  ford  there  was  none — 

But,  ere  he  alighted  at  Netherby  gate, 

The  bride  had  consented,  the  gallant  came  late: 

For  a  laggard  in  love,  and  a  dastard  in  war, 

Was  to  wed  the  fair  Ellen  of  brave  Lochinvar. 

So  boldly  he  entered  the  Netherby  Hall, 

'Mong  bridesmen,  and  kinsmen,  and  brothers,  and  all ! 

Then  spoke  the  bride's  father,  his  hand  on  his  sword — 

For  the  poor  craven  bridegroom  said  never  a  word — 

"O  come  ye  in  peace  here,  or  come  ye  in  war? 

Or  to  dance  at  our  bridal  ?  young  Lord  Lochinvar !" 

"I  long  wooed  your  daughter,  my  suit  you  denied: 
Love  swells  like  the  Solway,  but  ebbs  like  its  tide! 
And  now  am  I  come,  with  this  lost  love  of  mine, 
To  lead  but  one  measure,  drink  one  cup  of  wine ! 
There  be  maidens  in  Scotland,  more  lovely  by  far, 
That  would  gladly  be  bride  to  the  young  Lochinvar !" 

The  bride  kissed  the  goblet ;  the  knight  took  it  up, 
He  quaffed  off  the  wine,  and  he  threw  down  the  cup! 
She  looked  down  to  blush,  and  she  looked  up  to  sigh, 
With  a  smile  on  her  lips  and  a  tear  in  her  eye. 
He  took  her  soft  hand,  ere  her  mother  could  bar — 
"Now  tread  we  a  measure!"  said  young  Lochinvar. 

So  stately  his  form,  and  so  lovely  her  face, 

That  never  a  hall  such  a  galliard  did  grace ! 

While  her  mother  did  fret,  and  her  father  did  fume, 

And  the  bridegroom  stood  dangling  his  bonnet  and  plume, 

And  the  bride-maidens  whispered,  "  'Twere  better  by  far 

To  have  matched  our  fair  cousin  with  young  Lochinvar!" 

One  touch  to  her  hand,  and  one  word  in  her  ear, 

When  they  reached  the  hall  door,  and  the  charger  stood  near, 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  77 

So  light  to  the  croup  the  fair  lady  he  swung, 

So  light  to  the  saddle  before  her  he  sprung ! 

"She  is  won!  we  are  gone,  over  bank,  bush,  and  scaur; 

They'll  have  fleet  steeds  that  follow !"  quoth  young  Lochinvar. 

There  was  mounting  'mong  Graemes  of  the  Netherby  clan; 

Fosters,  Fenwicks,  and  Musgraves,  they  rode  and  they  ran; 

There  was  racing  and  chasing  on  Cannobie  Lea, 

But  the  lost  bride  of  Netherby  ne'er  did  they  see! 

So  daring  in  love,  and  so  dauntless  in  war, 

Have  ye  e'er  heard  of  gallant  like  young  Lochinvar? 

"The  course  of  true  love  never  did  run  smooth,"  says  Shakes- 
peare, and  so  he  gives  us  in  his  dramas  marvelous  instances 
of  the  caprices  of  the  little  tricksy  god. 

Every  novelist  and  every  writer  of  prose  or  verse  from 
Chaucer  to  Kipling,  from  Fanny  Burney  to  Mrs.  Humphry 
Ward,  has  made  love  the  foundation  stone  of  the  edifice  that 
rises  fair  and  glittering  in  the  sun.  A  loveless  life  must  be  a 
life  devoid  of  blessedness,  of  charm,  and  of  joy. 

It  is  wholly  natural  that  young  people  should  meet  and  love, 
and,  although  it  may  not  be  admitted  as  inevitable,  propinquity 
has  a  great  deal  to  do  with  love  at  first. 

A  youth  and  maiden  thrown  together  in  the  years  between 
eighteen  and  twenty-four  feel  a  subtle  attraction  that  they  can- 
not define  and  cannot  resist.  This  is  why  the  daughter  of  the 
stately  home  elopes  with  the  gardener  or  the  coachman,  to  the 
dismay  of  her  friends,  and,  probably,  her  own  wretchedness  in 
days  to  come.  This  explains  the  folly  of  the  son  of  the  house, 
heir  to  large  estates  and  splendid  prospects,  who  makes  love 
to  the  kitchen  maid.  "Love  goes  where  it  is  sent."  Perhaps. 
But  love  finds  itself  sent  swiftly  to  a  state  of  mind  that  craves 
definite  pledges  and  mutual  assurances  where  two  persons  of 
similar  age  and  some  leisure  are  under  the  same  roof,  or  are 


78  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

constantly  meeting  in  an  office,  or  on  the  street,  or  in  a  religious 
or  social  gathering. 

Propinquity  may  be  a  friend  or  a  foe.  In  any  case,  it  is 
desirable  to  throw  safeguards  around  the  young  when  they  are 
liable  to  drift  into  confidential  intimacy. 

Our  daughters  and  our  sons  are  our  most  precious  posses- 
sions, are  treasures  far  outweighing  gold  and  gems,  and  we 
cannot  too  closely  guard  them  from  mistakes  at  the  outset  of 
their  lives. 

Strange  as  the  assertion  may  seem  to  those  who  have  not 
studied  the  subject,  the  sweet  green  country,  with  its  homes 
nestling  among  the  trees,  its  lovely  leafy  lanes,  its  fragrant 
summer  twilight,  and  its  sequestered  and  cloistered  quietude,  is 
not  a  paradise  unmolested  by  the  serpent.  Into  that  Eden  he 
too  often  glides,  and  in  that  Eden  he  too  often  lurks,  uplifting 
his  haughty  crest,  and  sticking  out  his  forked  tongue  and 
inserting  his  poisonous  fangs. 

Not  because  young  people  are  inherently  depraved  is  the 
rural  neighborhood  less  safe  than  the  urban  neighborhood,  the 
country  more  tragic  in  its  record  of  immoral  shipwrecks  than 
the  city,  but  because  privacy  is  so  often  allowed  to  become,  in 
the  country,  the  handmaid  of  temptation.  Custom  sanctions 
many  things  in  the  country  which  are  prohibited  in  town,  and 
country  girls  and  men  are  permitted  an  amount  of  unrestricted 
liberty  in  their  association  which  may,  all  unsuspected  by 
them,  glide  into  unwholesome  license. 

For  instance,  a  mother  not  long  ago  wrote  to  me,  saying: 
"Do  you  approve  of  allowing  a  girl  of  twenty  to  spend  an 
entire  day  alone  with  a  young  man  who  is  visiting  in  our  town, 
and  who  is  a  stranger  to  her  parents?  The  two  passed  a 
morning  canoeing  on  the  lake,  went  to  the  woods  on  a  picnic 
by  themselves  in  the  afternoon,  and  in  the  evening  took  a  long 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  79 

buggy  ride,  leaving  home  at  eight  o'clock  and  returning  at 
midnight." 

Do  I  approve  of  this?  These  indefatigable  young  people 
probably  meant  no  harm,  but  they  were  most  indiscreet,  and 
the  day  spent  together  in  this  exclusive  fashion  should  not 
have  been  permitted.  I  do  not  at  all  like  the  country  custom 
which  suffers  a  man  to  call  for  a  girl  in  the  early  evening, 
tether  his  horse  at  her  gate  while  she  dresses,  and  then,  help- 
ing her  into  his  phaeton  or  runabout,  drive  off  with  her  in  the 
moonlight  for  an  excursion  of  hours.  If  the  road  is  long  and 
the  objective  point  remote  these  young  people  may  not  return 
until  two  o'clock  in  the  morning. 

They  are  not  always  daughters  at  home  who  are  wooed  in 
this  way,  or  treated  to  this  pleasing  and  flattering  attention, 
when  not  really  wooed.  They  are  often  young  women  working 
for  their  livelihood  in  a  praiseworthy  and  honorable  vocation ; 
they  are  factory  hands,  or  dressmakers,  or  milliners,  or  ste- 
nographers, away  from  home,  and  in  a  condition  of  untram- 
meled  independence.  The  people  in  whose  house  they  board 
have  no  right  to  control  them,  and  often  have  no  disposition  to 
advise.  Indeed,  they  might  without  hesitation  trust  their  own 
daughters  to  the  same  freedom  of  intercourse  with  young  men. 

A  cardinal  principle  with  the  American  parent  is  to  repose 
confidence  in  a  daughter's  good  sense  and  integrity.  No  father 
suspects  that  his  little  girl  can  go  astray.  No  mother  imagines 
that  any  ill  can  approach  her  daughter.  Nevertheless  evil 
creeps  in  when  folly  leaves  a  gap  in  the  hedge. 

Not  long  ago  a  lady  traveling  with  her  husband  and  daugh- 
ter went  down  the  Mississippi,  in  a  steamer,  the  trip  occupying 
five  days  from  the  city  where  she  started  to  New  Orleans, 
which  was  the  end  of  her  route.  There  were  few  passengers 
on  board.  Among  them  was  a  young  woman  of  surpassing 


8o  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

beauty.  She  seemed  so  solitary  that  my  friend  took  her  under 
her  motherly  wing.  Before  very  long  she  learned  that  the 
young  girl,  whom  I  will  call  Inez,  had  been  several  years 
absent  from  her  home.  Allured  by  the  persuasions  of  a  man 
who  had  courted  her  and  promised  marriage,  she  had  stolen 
away*  from  her  people,  and  they  knew  nothing  of  her  where- 
abouts. "Did  she  never  think  of  home,  of  mother,  of  the  grief 
she  had  caused?"  "O,  yes,  remorse  had  crushed  her.  But," 
she  said,  "how  could  I  go  back?"  It  transpired  that,  ruined 
by  the  wretch  who  had  tempted  her  from  home,  she  had  lived 
a  life  of  shame,  falling  lower  and  lower.  Recently  she  had 
loathed  her  abasement,  and  had  longed  to  go  back  to  the  purity 
and  peace  of  her  childhood.  My  friend  threw  her  motherly 
arms  around  Inez,  and  drew  her  to  her  breast.  "Inez,"  she 
said,  "as  I  kiss  you  and  tell  you  there  is  hope  and  pardon,  and 
a  new  life  for  you  if  you  truly  repent,  so  your  mother  will 
forgive  you,  so  your  Saviour  will  blot  out  the  story  of  the 
past." 

I  wish  I  could  drop  the  curtain  here.  But  before  the  voyage 
was  ended  a  man,  treacherous  and  cruel  as  his  master,  the 
devil,  came  on  board,  singled  Inez  out  as  his  prey,  and,  before 
New  Orleans  was  reached,  at  a  landing  in  the  early  dawn,  she 
slipped  off  the  boat  to  join  him,  as  he  had  previously  landed. 
Nothing  availed  to  persuade  her.  She  was  a  lost  woman.  Yet, 
originally,  she  had  been  as  sweet,  as  clean,  as  white,  as  your 
child  or  mine. 

Among  the  girls  who  are  deceived,  and,  let  me  add  in  fair- 
ness, among  the  promising  young  men  who  fall  and  lose 
their  self-respect  and  take  the  first  downward  step,  are 
many  who  lost  the  way  to  purity  not  of  their  own  will 
or  desire,  but  through  overpowering  temptation  in  favoring 
circumstances. 


PREPARING   FOR   THE   WEDDING 


CopjrigtH,  1WH.  by  Dado-wood  t  Umlenrood 

CUTTING  THE  CAKE 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  81 

Read  James  Lane  Allen's  book,  a  book  that  flashes  a  search- 
light on  the  subject  it  treats.  The  Mettle  of  the  Pasture  is  a 
book  that  is  brave  and  keen,  and  shows  how  far-reaching  and 
terrible  are  the  consequences  of  youthful  error. 

CHAPERONAGE 

Little  by  little,  in  our  great  cities,  chaperonage  has  become 
an  accepted  condition  of  our  daily  life.  Our  grandmothers 
knew  nothing  about  it,  but  in  their  day  everyone  knew  every- 
one else,  and  it  was  not  considered  a  necessity  to  have  some 
older  woman  in  the  company  when  there  was  an  excursion,  a 
picnic,  or  any  party  of  pleasure.  Mothers  and  fathers  were 
busy  about  their  own  affairs,  and  they  usually  gave  young 
people  their  head,  and  let  them  manage  their  own  matters. 

This  exposed  innocent  young  girls  to  grave  misconception 
when  they  went  to  older  lands,  where  the  social  fabric  was 
worm-eaten  and  time-worn,  and  daughters  were  not  trusted 
away  from  their  mothers.  "Daisy  Miller,"  as  Henry  James 
painted  her,  is  a  good  specimen  of  the  American  girl  who  used 
to  go  to  Europe.  She  does  not  often  go  now  in  that  way. 
Daisy  Miller  is  almost  an  extinct  species. 

Our  cosmopolitan  cities  are  thronged  with  strangers.  Our 
streets  are  crowded.  It  is  not  now  the  thing,  nor  in  the  best 
circles  is  it  ever  permitted,  that  very  young  girls  should  go 
about  the  streets  unaccompanied  by  an  older  person  or  a  maid. 

To  places  of  amusement  young  people  go  in  groups,  or  par- 
ties, and  these  are  in  the  care  of  a  lady  or  gentleman  (a  father 
is  an  excellent  chaperon),  whose  presence  imposes  no  restraint 
on  their  gayety,  but  who  is  their  sponsor  in  decorum  and  their 
protection  against  criticism. 

Marion  Harland  has  said,  speaking  of  chaperons:  "The 
well-educated  young  woman  of  the  past  expected  that  her 


82  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

mother  or  her  father  would  be  present  in  the  drawing-room 
during  a  part,  if  not  all,  of  the  time  when  she  was  entertaining 
young  men  visitors ;  and  if  a  certain  freedom  was  permitted  in 
the  line  of  escort  to  a  party  or  evening  entertainment,  such  a 
privilege  was  granted  to  the  man  who  was  well  enough  known 
to  have  been  proved  worthy  of  the  trust." 

The  chaperon  has  now  become  an  important  figure  in  society. 
"The  office  of  the  chaperon  varies  with  the  locality.  In  the  big 
cities  it  is  almost  what  it  would  be  in  a  city  on  the  other  side 
of  the  water.  The  chaperon,  be  she  who  she  may,  is  at  hand 
during  calling  hours.  She  accompanies  the  girl  to  the  place  of 
public  amusement.  She  attends  her  at  the  social  function  in  a 
private  house.  She  goes  driving  with  her  in  the  park,  and,  if 
the  girl  is  quite  young,  she  is  not  permitted  to  shop  or  to  call 
unless  she  has  the  older  woman  with  her.  As  for  a  girl  going 
driving  alone  with  a  young  man,  it  is  not  so  much  as  thought 
of  by  people  in  fashionable  life. 

"Yet  this  very  same  custom  may  be  regarded  as  innocent  and 
quite  proper  in  the  country  or  in  smaller  towns  everywhere. 
The  public  opinion  of  a  community  governs  the  conduct  of  its 
residents;  where  there  is  no  open  dissent  against  a  custom  it 
may  generally  be  followed  without  any  violation  of  etiquette. 
But  people  should  always  be  careful  to  learn  the  social  regula- 
tions of  any  neighborhood  in  which  circumstances  may  place 
them.  To  do,  while  in  Rome,  as  the  Romans  themselves  do, 
is  the  first  of  all  social  commandments." 

Our  girls  are  extremely  precious  and  worth  caring  for. 
Hence  in  modern  life  we  try  to  save  them  from  mistakes  and 
misconceptions. 

In  newer  communities,  and  in  towns  far  from  the  seaboard, 
the  old  ways  linger.  In  passing  we  may  say  that  a  girl  is 
always  safe  who  gives  a  wise  and  loving  mother  her  entire 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  83 

confidence,  and  a  mother  is  her  child's  very  best  counselor  and 
chaperon. 

A  girl's  first  impulse  should  be  to  tell  her  mother  everything 
that  affects  her  life,  and  to  ask  her  aid  in  solving  every 
problem. 

FRIENDS  MERELY 

Just  here  let  us  notice  that  there  is  room  for  a  great  deal  of 
delightful  and  congenial  friendship  between  girls  and  men 
when  love  and  marriage  are  not  factors  in  the  situation,  nor 
even  thought  of.  Girls  ought  to  have  friends  among  men,  and 
men  among  girls,  on  a  natural  and  simple  footing  of  comrade- 
ship. One  finds  this  in  towns  where  the  children  grow  up  to- 
gether, and  in  coeducational  colleges  where  young  men  and 
women  compete  in  recitations.  A  certain  injustice  is  done  to 
a  man,  and  a  girl  compromises  her  dignity  when  she 

MISCONSTRUES  ORDINARY  ATTENTIONS 
To  wonder  whether  Mr.  C.  is  "really  in  earnest,"  whether  he 
"means  anything  serious,"  when  for  several  consecutive  weeks 
he  drops  in  to  chat  informally  with  the  family,  and  the  only 
girl  in  the  family  is  Sue;  for  her  to  simper  and  bridle  and 
blush  when  he  asks  if  he  may  walk  with  her  down  the  street, 
or  be  her  escort  to  some  little  village  assemblage,  is  to  behave 
like  a  second-rate  girl,  in  a  second-rate  manner. 

Girls  cheapen  themselves  tremendously  when  they  fancy  that 
every  eligible  bachelor,  young  or  old,  who  happens  to  look  at 
them,  or  stop  and  speak,  or  bring  them  an  ice  at  a  party,  is  in 
love  with  them. 

ON  THE  OTHER  HAND 

men  are  unjust  to  girls  and  convict  themselves  of  colossal  self- 
conceit  when  they  imagine  that  they  have  merely  to  show  a 


84  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

slight  preference  and  a  girl  will  surrender  to  their  suit  at 
once  with  haste  and  grateful  thanks. 

Men  are  the  wooers.  Girls  are  the  wooed.  In  the  days  of 
antiquity  the  lover  rushed  in  and  bore  off  his  sweetheart  by 
main  force  from  her  kindred,  carrying  her  against  her  will  and 
her  violent  protests  to  dwell  beneath  his  roof. 

Traditionally  man  gains  his  wife  by  conquest  still.  A  girl 
who  is  to  be  the  queen  of  one's  whole  life  is  worthy  one's 
homage,  worthy  one's  deferential  and  patient  courting.  Hu- 
mility is  the  proper  attitude  for  lovers  when  they  approach 
the  ladies  they  hope  to  have  and  to  hold  as  their  very  own 
for  evermore. 

"Atild  Nature  swears,  the  lovely  dears, 

Her  noblest  work  she  classes,  O, 
Her  'prentice  hand  she  tried  on  man, 

And  then  she  made  the  lasses,  O." 

THE  MOODS  OF  GIRLS 

"Girls  are  kittle-cattle,"  said  an  old  Scotchman  one  day.  I 
wish  they  were  only  that  if  by  that  the  old  fellow  meant  per- 
verse and  inconsequent,  and  never  two  minutes  of  the  same 

mind. 

"O  woman!  in  our  hours  of  ease 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please," 

is  Sir  Walter  Scott's  famous  couplet — finished  gallantry,  it 

is  true; 

"When  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel  thou !" 

Girls  are  too  ready,  alas!  to  set  on  themselves  too  slight  a 
valuation.  A  girl  in  Arcady,  never  mind  where  else,  meets 
somebody  from  Utopia.  Months  later  she  writes  to  an  elderly 
friend  in  terms  of  wild  anxiety.  This  is  the  usual  story: 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  85 

"I  met  a  young  man  last  May.  It  was  at  my  sister's  house, 
where  I  was  visiting.  He  paid  me  a  great  deal  of  attention, 
took  me  driving,  went  with  me  to  the  Endeavor  meetings  and 
the  Sunday  school  picnic,  and  seemed  devoted  to  me.  He 
never  said  he  loved  me,  except  by  his  looks ;  not  in  words,  but 
I  could  not  be  mistaken  in  thinking  that  he  liked  no  other  girl 
so  well.  But  he  went  away,  and  I  have  not  heard  from  him 
since.  Ought  I  to  write  to  him,  and  ask  if  in  anything  I  have 
given  him  offense?  Do  you  suppose  he  loves  me  and  was  too 
bashful  to  tell  me  so?"  And  so  on,  and  on,  and  on. 

No,  my  dear  girl;  no,  no!  The  man  was  not  bashful,  nor 
in  love,  nor  in  any  way  impressed  with  you,  except  for  the 
moment,  when  he  was  having  a  good  time.  No,  a  thousand 
times  no,  don't  write  and  ask  if  you  have  given  His  Royal 
Highness  offense  ?  Pray,  why  should  you  ?  The  attitude  most 
unfit  for  a  girl  is  the  abject  attitude.  Girls  were  not  meant  to 
prostrate  themselves  and  kotow  to  men.  To  do  so  is  simply 
and  supremely  ridiculous. 

Another  girl  discloses  her  difficulty:  "Eugene  E.  and  I  have 
been  very  great  friends;  we  have  been  a  good  deal  together 
for  two  years.  He  used  to  call  regularly,  but  latterly  he  sel- 
dom calls,  and  he  has  not  been  here  for  six  weeks.  What 
would  you  do?" 

Do,  my  dear  child!  I'd  do  nothing.  I'd  preserve  a  most 
utter  indifference,  and  when  the  friend  did  condescend  to 
call  would  welcome  him  precisely  as  if  he  had  been  in  the 
house  yesterday,  with  neither  more  nor  less  enthusiasm. 
Should  he  after  a  while  begin  to  apologize  for  the  lapse  of  time 
since  his  last  call,  I  would  remark,  carelessly,  "Why,  is  it  so 
long?  Time  Hies  so  fast — a  few  weeks  slip  by  before  one  is 
aware  that  they  have  gone." 

He  would  probab'ly  be  surprised  that  he  had  not  been  more 


86  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

greatly  missed,  which  would  be  the  most  becoming  state  of 
mind  for  him  to  possess. 

What  girls  are  thinking  of  to  show  so  much  anxiety  with 
regard  to  the  visits  of  men  whom  they  like  as  friends  I  can- 
not imagine.  Much  more  suitable  is  the  usual  attitude  of  the 
Southern  girl,  who  takes  for  granted  the  devotion  of  all  the 
boys  in  town,  and  so  carries  herself  that  not  one  of  them  is 
sure  of  her  favor. 

"I  hear  you  are  to  be  congratulated,"  I  once  said  to  a  gal- 
lant young  Southerner,  an  officer  in  the  army,  and  a  gentleman 
from  the  top  of  his  head  to  the  soles  of  his  boots.  "They  tell 
me  that  you  are  engaged  to  Miss  Josephine." 

He  threw  back  his  hair  with  a  gesture  that  I  knew,  laughed 
a  little,  and  said,  "I  certainly  am  to  be  congratulated.  I  sup- 
pose I  am  engaged,  but  I  shall  never  feel  sure  that  Josephine 
will  marry  me  until  we  are  walking  down  the  church  aisle 
together,  and  then  I  will  feel  surer  when  she  has  said  'Yes' 
before  the  minister."  This,  of  course,  was  a  slight  exaggera- 
tion ;  yet  it  was  the  modest  and  chivalrous  way  for  a  man  to 
feel. 

The  girls  of  the  twentieth  century  are  making  a  great  mis- 
take in  surrendering  their  proud  prerogative  of  being  courted. 
It  is  in  man's  nature  to  sigh  for  the  unattainable.  The  fruit 
just  ready  to  drop  from  the  bough  is  seldom  prized.  I  would 
not  speak  of  man  as  so  inconstant  as  the  poet  thought  him  who 

said: 

.     "Sigh  no  more,  lady,  sigh  no  more; 

Men  were  deceivers  ever: 
One  foot  on  sea,  and  one  on  shore, 
To  one  thing  constant  never," 

for  I  do  believe  in  the  absolute  steadfastness,  nobility,  and 
devotion  of  the  good  man  when  once  he  has  chosen  one  woman 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  87 

out  of  the  world  to  be  his  wife.  But  I  also  believe  that  during 
Ihe  period  when  a  man  is,  so  to  speak,  making  up  his  mind, 
attracted  here,  attracted  there,  the  surest  way  to  drive  him  off 
is  to  show  him  that  his  attentions  are  greatly  wanted,  and  I  have 
no  patience  with  girls  who  seek  the  attentions  of  men.  A  man 
ought  not  for  one  instant  to  fancy  that  a  girl  is  anxious  for 
his  love. 

If  propinquity  brings  people  together  the  tie  is  often  too 
easily  loosened  when  they  are  separated  by  distance.  For 
instance : 

Several  years  ago  a  girl  in  Indiana  was  courted  by  a  man 
who  had  grown  up  in  the  same  town  with  her.  They  had  been 
schoolmates  first  and  intimate  friends  later,  and  had  been 
engaged  with  the  knowledge  and  consent  of  their  relatives  for 
nearly  two  years,  when  a  business  opening  in  an  Eastern  city 
took  the  young  man  from  home.  He  went  to  the  young  lady 
and  said,  "Ruby,  I  want  to  be  married  and  to  take  you  with  me 
to  the  East." 

She  demurred.  Her  trousseau  was  not  ready;  she  thought 
they  had  not  money  enough  to  start  on  in  a  new  place ;  she  did 
not  wish  to  leave  her  mother  and  all  her  friends  at  such  short 
notice.  His  persuasions  did  not  move  her,  and  reluctantly  he 
went  out  into  the  great  world  alone. 

A  country  boy,  in  a  new  environment,  he  was  very  desolate 
and  lonely,  and  did  not  at  first  know  how  to  adjust  himself 
to  the  new  scenes  and  situation.  Letters  fairly  burdened  the 
mails  for  a  while.  Ruby  received  a  daily  letter;  sometimes 
two  in  a  day,  and  she  answered  as  best  she  could ;  but  she  was 
no  letter  writer,  and  her  little  missives  carried  with  them  only 
the  small  everyday  news  of  the  dull  and  stagnant  country  town. 

The  young  man  was  agreeable  and  talented,  and  rose  steadily 
in  business.  In  six  months  he  renewed  his  appeal  for  Ruby  to 


88  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

leave  home,  come  to  him  and  be  married,  or  set  a  time  when 
he  might  go  for  her.  She  still  asked  for  delay.  After  this  he 
wrote  less  frequently,  and  gradually  she  saw  a  change  in  the 
style  and  tone  of  his  letters. 

Summer  arrived,  and  he  came  home  for  vacation — came 
bringing  an  eager  heart,  but,  alas!  his  love  had  somewhat 
chilled,  and  when  he  saw  his  early  sweetheart  something  had 
gone  from  the  glamour  that  had  formerly  invested  her.  The 
plain  truth  was  that  she  did  not  appear  to  advantage  in  his 
sight  in  comparison  with  other  girls  whom  he  had  met.  Even- 
tually the  engagement  was  broken.  He  married  in  the  East, 
and  Ruby  is  single,  and  likely  to  remain  so. 

The  moral,  if  there  is  one,  is  that  it  is  unwise  to  prolong 
an  engagement  when  there  is  to  supervene  a  long  absence 
and  many  miles  of  space  are  to  separate  those  who  have  been 
much  together.  The  "expulsive  power  of  a  new  affection" 
may  come  in. 

Another  incident  known  to  me  was  this: 

A  girl  in  a  seaboard  town,  engaged  to  a  young  man  whom 
I  shall  call  Willie,  was  heartbroken  when  business  of  impor- 
tance summoned  him  to  Arizona.  He  went  for  a  term  of 
years,  during  which,  as  he  expected,  he  built  up  a  large  for- 
tune. He  left  Fanny  to  the  care  of  his  college  chum,  whom  he 
loved  and  trusted. 

Both  Fanny  and  the  friend  intended  to  be  entirely  loyal  to 
the  absent  Willie,  but  as  time  passed  Willie's  image  faded 
in  Fanny's  mind  and  memory,  and  was  replaced  by  that  of 
Howard,  who  was  on  the  spot.  In  the  end  it  was  Howard 
who  married  her,  and  Willie  was  left  to  find  another  wife. 

The  obvious  lesson  is  that  a  good  deal  of  love  is  like  the 
morning  cloud  and  the  early  dew  that  are  easily  evaporated  and 
scorched  when  the  sun  is  up. 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  89 

A  girl  inquires  whether  it  is  ever  right  for  her  to  take  the 
initiative  in  showing  a  man  that  she  cares  for  him.  This  may 
be  answered  in  concrete  fashion;  it  is  never  right  for  her  to 
do  so.  Still  there  are  little  ways  which  cannot  be  called  un- 
womanly in  which  it  is  not  improper  for  a  girl  to  show  her 
liking.  Above  everything,  let  her  be  sincere,  never  foolishly 
coy,  and  never  let  her  condescend  to  assume  that  which  she 
does  not  mean. 

I  have  heard  of  courtships  that  were  entirely  conducted  by 
letter.  One  such  I  personally  knew  all  about.  It  was  during 
the  civil  war.  Around  the  campfire  one  evening  a  group  of 
soldiers  was  sitting,  when  some  one  brought  in  the  welcome 
bag  containing  the  mail.  Letters  from  home!  How  the  sol- 
diers' hearts  leaped  with  joy!  Bronzed  and  bearded  fellows, 
fellows  who  had  borne  the  hardships  of  long  campaigns  and 
who  were  now  enduring  the  tedium  of  the  winter  encampment, 
thrilled  with  joy  when  the  words  came  that  told  them  that 
mothers,  sisters,  and  wives  were  rejoicing  that  they  were  alive 
and  were  interested  in  doing  what  they  could  for  their  comfort. 

Out  of  the  letter  which  one  man  opened  dropped  a  little 
photograph,  one  of  the  kind  which  used  to  be  known  as  a 
carte  de  visitc.  The  man  did  not  notice  it,  but  his  friend,  who 
had  no  letter  from  home,  picked  it  up  and  saw  the  face  of  a 
very  pretty  girl.  She  had  long  ringlets,  beautiful  eyes,  and 
a  sweet  expression.  As  he  glanced  at  it  and  handed  it  back  he 
said,  "You  are  a  lucky  fellow  to  have  a  sister  like  that."  "O," 
said  the  man,  who  was  married,  "that  lady  is  my  wife's  sister, 
and  this  is  a  picture  which  has  just  been  taken.  Jenny  thought 
I  would  like  to  see  it." 

With  the  friend's  permission,  a  thing  not  infrequent  in 
those  days,  the  man  wrote  a  letter  to  the  lady  of  the  carte  de 
visite,  and  in  due  time  she  replied.  The  correspondence  pres- 


90  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ently  grew  brisk,  and  a  year  later  the  young  man  secured  a 
furlough,  went  to  the  Northern  city  where  the  lady  lived,  and 
married  her.  They  met  for  the  first  time  on  the  morning  of 
their  wedding  day,  and  separated  immediately  after  the  cere- 
mony, not  to  meet  until  the  war  was  over. 

Strange  as  it  may  seem,  this  was  a  very  happy  marriage, 
lasting  many  years,  and  never  losing  its  joy,  for  no  disillusion 
came  to  either  of  the  two;  yet  they  took  a  great  risk.  For 
letters  reveal  only  a  part  of  the  personality,  not  the  whole. 

A  sensible  person  has  given  a  few  rules  entitled 

WHOM  TO  MARRY 

"There  are  exceptions  to  all  rules.  Undoubtedly  parties 
have  married  on  brief  acquaintance,  and  have  lived  happily 
afterward.  It  is  sometimes  the  case  that  the  wife  is  much 
older  than  the  husband,  is  much  wiser,  and  much  his  superior 
in  social  position,  and  yet  happiness  in  the  union  may  follow. 
But,  as  a  rule,  there  are  a  few  fundamental  requisites,  which, 
carefully  observed,  are  much  more  likely  to  bring  happi- 
ness than  does  marriage  where  the  conditions  are  naturally 
unfavorable. 

"Of  these  requisites  are  the  following: 

"Marry  a  person  whom  you  have  known  long  enough  to 
be  sure  of  his  or  her  worth — if  not  personally,  at  least  by 
reputation. 

"Marry  a  person  who  is  your  equal  in  social  position.  If 
there  be  a  difference  either  way  let  the  husband  be  superior 
to  the  wife.  It  is  difficult  for  a  wife  to  love  and  honor  a  person 
whom  she  is  compelled  to  look  down  upon. 

"Marry  a  person  of  similar  religious  convictions,  tastes,  likes, 
and  dislikes  to  your  own.  It  is  not  congenial  to  have  one 
companion  deeply  religious,  while  the  other  ridicules  the 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  91 

forms  of  religion.  It  is  not  pleasant  for  one  to  have  mind  and 
heart  absorbed  in  a  certain  kind  of  work  which  the  other  ab- 
hors ;  and  it  is  equally  disagreeable  to  the  gentle,  mild,  and 
sweet  disposition  to  be  united  with  a  cold,  heartless,  grasping, 
avaricious,  quarrelsome  person." 

THE  QUESTION  OF  FINANCE 

A  man  should  not  court  a  girl  nor  ask  her  to  become  his 
fiancee  unless  he  is  reasonably  sure  that  he  can  support  a  wife. 
To  marry  on  nothing  at  all  is  very  foolish,  and  seldom  results 
happily. 

Given  a  pair  of  hands,  a  brave  heart,  and  a  small  salary,  a 
young  man  should  not  be  afraid  to  ask  a  sensible  girl  to  share 
his  lot.  Girls  are  much  less  afraid  of  poverty  than  men  sup- 
pose. They  are  not  so  fond  of  the  gewgaws  and  trinkets  of 
wealth  that  they  cannot  give  them  up  with  philosophy  if  the 
man  they  love  comes  in  a  manly  way  and  asks  for  their  love  in 
return  for  his. 

A  young  couple  some  years  ago  were  married,  the  man  hav- 
ing an  income  of  ten  dollars  a  week.  On  their  wedding  day 
they  took  account  of  stock  and  found  that  between  them  they 
had  exactly  fifty  dollars.  Their  day  of  small  things  was  about 
as  small  as  it  possibly  could  be,  but  they  tackled  the  job  of 
living  on  the  little,  making  only  one  resolution — that  they 
would  not  incur  debt.  They  did  not  do  this.  Gradually  the 
man's  prospects  brightened,  his  salary  increased,  the  little  wife, 
who  at  first  did  all  the  cooking,  washing,  and  ironing,  was  able 
to  live  in  greater  ease,  and  in  their  later  life  they  are  prosperous 
and  successful  people,  in  a  most  beautiful  home.  The  wife 
sometimes  says  that  her  happiest  days  were  lived  when  she 
and  John  made  the  most  of  the  small  sum  they  had  in  common. 

In  the  older  lands  parents  look  out  much  more  carefully  for 


92  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  future  of  a  family,  and  where  there  is  money  something 
is  settled  on  the  wife  for  herself  and  her  children.  This  should 
always  be  done  when  practicable,  as  in  the  changes  that  may 
come  to  all,  great  fortunes  now  and  then  take  wings. 

In  Holland  and  France  the  wife's  dowry  is  a  matter  of 
conscience,  and  thrifty  people  begin  in  the  babyhood  of  their 
daughters  to  lay  aside  something  that  they  may  have  in  their 
hands  when  they  go  to  the  husband's  home.  This,  too,  is  a 
good  thing  and  one  that  we  would  do  well  to  adopt  and  imitate. 

But  granting  that  a  young  man  and  a  young  woman  love  one 
another,  have  health,  have  courage  and  honor,  they  need  not 
be  deterred  from  marrying  because  they  have  little  money. 
The  very  smallest  income  that  may  be  depended  upon  will  do 
as  a  beginning.  This  will  not  give  them  a  great  store  of  silver 
or  elegant  furniture  or  a  sumptuous  house,  but  it  will  give 
them  simplicity  and  the  essentials  of  real  comfort,  which,  after 
all,  are  reducible  to  a  very  few  things.  One  may  eat  a  meal 
from  a  pine  table  as  well  as  from  a  mahogany  if  it  be  well 
cooked  and  nicely  served,  and  plain  white  china  is  as  useful 
as  the  most  artistic  and  ornate  that  comes  from  over  the  sea. 

OPPOSITION  OF  PxELATIVES 

One  of  the  worst  reefs  that  ever  wreck  a  happy  courtship  is 
the  opposition  of  relatives.  A  man,  grown  up,  fully  able  to 
select  his  sweetheart,  chooses  a  lovely  girl  who  for  some  mys- 
terious reason  is  persona  non  grata  to  his  mother.  As  a  loving 
and  loyal  son  he  hates  to  grieve  her,  yet  he  cannot  submit  to 
dictation  in  the  matter  of  his  marriage.  If  he  be  of  a  gentle 
and  yielding  nature  he  wishes  to  conciliate  and  not  antagonize, 
and  he  temporizes.  He  evades  an  issue,  and  when  his  mother 
tries  to  force  one  he  slips  adroitly  out  of  her  hands. 

Why  good  women  should  be  so  insanely  jealous  on  the  score 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  93 

of  their  marriageable  sons,  as  some  of  them  are,  is  a  never- 
ceasing  puzzle.  They  may  not  express  themselves  frankly  as 
did  one  benignant  matron  who  smilingly  declared  that  she 
liked  girls  until  they  began  to  like  her  sons,  but  they  do  main- 
tain a  sleepless  watchdog  sort  of  vigilance  lest  Jack  and  Max 
shall  lose  their  hearts.  In  their  views  a  princess  is  a  detri- 
mental if  courted  by  their  sons. 

"Why  is  Ethel's  engagement  so  prolonged  ?"  was  the  inquiry 
concerning  an  exquisite  girl  who  for  four  years  had  been  all 
but  absorbed  by  a  certain  quite  worthy  young  man,  in  every 
way  an  eligible  suitor.  "Ethel  is  hardly  engaged,"  said  Ethel's 
mother.  "There  is,  however,  an  understanding  between  her 
and  Carl,  and  the  engagement  will  not  be  announced  until 
just  previous  to  the  wedding — if,"  she  added,  with  a  deep  sigh, 
"that  ever  takes  place." 

"But  where  is  the  obstacle?  Here  are  two  persons  deeply 
in  love,  of  suitable  age,  and  with  enough  to  live  on.  Why 
should  they  not  be  married?  They  are  losing  the  very  cream 
of  life,  the  very  best  years  are  going." 

"It  is  the  position  taken  by  Carl's  mother  that  occasions  the 
delay.  She  has  no  objection  to  urge  against  Ethel,  but  she 
says  she  cannot  live  without  Carl.  He  will  not  take  his  wife 
to  live  in  the  same  house  with  his  mother." 

"His  mother  has  an  independent  fortune,  and  she  is  not  an 
old  woman.  I  think  her  frightfully  selfish." 

"My  dear,  she  is  an  invalid.  You  have  no  idea  how  her 
invalidism  is  held  like  a  whip  over  the  heads  of  her  family. 
She  terrorizes  them  with  hysteria.  She  did  it  to  her  hus- 
band. She  did  it  to  Ralph  till  he  broke  away  and  married — 
since  when  she  has  not  spoken  to  him — and  she  is  doing  it 
to  Carl.  I  am  sorry  that  Ethel  is  wasting  her  youth  in  this 
dreary  waiting,  but  it  cannot  be  helped." 


94  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"Are  there  no  daughters  to  care  for  this  cross-grained  lady? 
If  I  did  not  disapprove  of  slang  I'd  call  her  a  crank,  that's  what 
she  is." 

"Yes,  she  has  daughters,  Lucy  and  Amy,  but  they  are  not 
favorites.  She  wouldn't  mind  their  marrying.  It  is  Carl  she  is 
resolved  to  keep  a  bachelor." 

There  are  a  good  many  cases  like  this.  I  confess  I  prefer 
the  man  who  is  strong  enough  to  thwart  an  unreasonable 
mother  to  the  one  who  sacrifices  his  own  and  his  future  wife's 
happiness  to  a  whim,  adopting  a  policy  of  procrastination. 

Browning  in  "The  Statue  and  the  Bust"  has  these  strong 

"The  sin  I  impute  to  each  frustrate  ghost 
Is  the  unlit  lamp  and  the  ungirt  loin." 

For  very  pity's  sake,  my  friend,  if  you  cannot  otherwise  se- 
cure the  girl  you  want,  fight  for  her.  Make  a  firm  stand. 
Refuse  to  give  her  up  for  no  other  cause  than  the  injustice 
and  the  lack  of  Christian  charity  on  the  part  of  relatives,  hers 
or  yours. 

I  trust  nobody  will  misunderstand  me  when  I  write  in  this 
earnest  way  against  the  mischief  made  by  relatives  who  inter- 
fere, when  they  have  no  excuse  to  do  so,  with  the  happiness 
of  young  people.  Relatives  have  the  best  right  in  the 
world  to  interfere  when  there  is  good  reason  to  do  so.  For 
instance,  if 

DECEMBER  COURTS  MAY 

What  is  there  in  common  between  persons  whose  age  is  very 
far  removed  from  equality?  A  tiny  handful  of  years  makes 
not  much  difference.  A  wife  looks  up  to  and  adores  a  husband 
a  few  years  her  senior. 

Ten,  fifteen,  eighteen,  or  twenty  years  of  priority  on  the 
husband's  side  are  no  bar  to  a  perfect  marriage.  But  thirty 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  95 

years  or  forty  years  are,  of  course,  inadmissible,  and  when 
December  with  money  bags  weighing  him  down,  courts  May, 
with  roses  and  lilies  and  never  a  cent,  or  she  would  not  look  at 
the  old  fossil,  the  proprieties  are  hopelessly  violated. 

A  great  discrepancy  of  age,  if  the  wife  be  the  older,  is  very 
unfortunate.  Madame  will  be  a  venerable  dame,  when  Mon- 
sieur is  still  a  man  in  his  prime.  People  are  of  their  genera- 
tion. One  generation  cannot  be  on  precisely  the  plane  of 
another. 

To  be  happy  in  marriage  people  must  have  many  common 
interests,  must  be  congenial  through  and  through.  There- 
fore, ye  who  are  wise,  eschew  as  you  would  the  adversary  him- 
self, with  his  panoply  of  hoofs  and  horns,  that  abominable 
contract  known  as 

THE  MARRIAGE  OF  CONVENIENCE 

Perhaps  one  explanation  of  the  shameful  prevalence  of 
divorce  in  our  land  is  that  people  permit  sordid  motives  to 
profane  the  sacrament  of  marriage.  They  marry — God  pity 
them! — for  a  home,  or  to  escape  being  single,  or  for  a  bank 
account  and  a  nice  house  and  garden  and  carriage  or  money 
and  show,  the  pomp  of  the  world,  and  the  pride  of  life.  Fear- 
ful are  the  consequences  of  bargains  made  and  dickered  over, 
with  much  haggling  at  the  price,  in  Vanity  Fair. 

A  young  man  turns  from  the  girl  he  loves  who  is  poor  to 
marry  a  girl  he  does  not  love  who  is  rich.  In  other  words,  he 
sells  his  liberty  and  his  self-respect  and  his  birthright  of  manly 
honor  for  a  mess  of  pottage.  God  help  him — and  her ! 

"MY  FACE  IS  MY  FORTUNE" 

A  while  ago  I  spoke  of  propinquity  as  the  frequent  stepping- 
stone  to  love.  It  is  not  the  only  one.  A  man  is  attracted 


g6  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

by  a  pretty  face  and  a  trim  figure,  by  the  rose  in  a  maiden's 
cheek  and  the  light  in  her  eyes.  He  at  once  invests  the  pos- 
sessor of  beauty  with  every  imaginable  splendid  attribute,  and 
literally  tumbles  into  love,  sometimes  to  his  lifelong  advantage, 
sometimes  to  the  very  opposite. 

Years  ago  a  man  was  taking  a  short  business  trip  through 
New  England.  It  was  a  Friday  afternoon,  and  a  May  day. 
Superstitious  people  fight,  shy  of  Friday,  but  my  friend  was 
not  superstitious.  At  a  way  station  a  beautiful  girl  with  books 
in  her  hand,  a  girl  evidently  going  home  from  Friday  to 
Monday,  entered  and  took  her  seat. 

Instantly  the  man,  a  few  seats  off,  was  deeply  interested. 
He  noted  every  turn  of  the  graceful  head,  every  smile  the  girl 
exchanged  with  a  companion ;  the  delicate  gloved  hand  arrested 
his  glance,  the  low-toned  conversation  cast  a  spell  over  him. 

Wonder  of  wonders !  when  he  arrived  at  his  station  the 
young  lady  also  arrived  at  hers.  As  he  stepped  on  the  plat- 
form a  college  chum  sprang  as  if  by  magic  from  space,  and 
exclaimed : 

"Why,  hello,  Bernard,  old  man,  where  did  you  drop  from? 
Let  me  present  you  to  my  sister.  Elizabeth,  this  is  old  Bar- 
ney, of  whom  you  have  often  heard  me  speak.  Come  straight 
to  our  house,  my  boy !" 

As  if  in  a  dream,  Bernard  accompanied  his  friend  and  his 
friend's  sister  to  their  home.  Five  weeks  from  that  day  the 
two  were  married,  and  they  lived  blissfully  and  benignly  to- 
gether for  forty  years. 

Not  so  successful  in  its  outcome  was  the  hasty  marriage  of 
another  man — a  grave,  staid,  scholarly  person  with  the  habits 
of  a  student,  who,  when  visiting  friends  in  a  Western  town, 
fell  madly  in  love  with  the  blue  eyes  and  peach  tints  of  a  girl 
much  his  junior.  Neither  in  family,  education,  nor  surround- 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  97 

ings  was  she  at  all  suited  to  him.  Her  very  talk  bristled  with 
double  negatives  and  other  mistakes  in  the  use  of  ordinary 
English,  and  she  was  one  of  those  people  who  are  vulgar 
without  suspecting  the  fact.  She  had  neither  traditions  nor 
standards  nor  brains. 

Dazzled  by  the  homage  and  persuaded  by  the  headstrong 
ardor  of  her  admirer,  Greta  consented  to  an  early  wedding, 
and  her  husband  took  her  and  her  pretty  toilettes  to  his  home. 

Then  began  a  penitential  experience  for  him.  Too  true  a 
gentleman  to  visit  his  disappointment  on  her,  the  man  spent 
a  quarter  of  a  century  in  close  companionship  with  an  ignorant 
woman  who  had  no  ambition  and  'developed  into  a  slattern  and 
a  shrew.  Her  comeliness  vanished.  She  grew  stout  and  red- 
faced,  and  was  a  continual  mortification  to  her  husband,  and 
as  the  mother  of  his  children  failed  to  give  them  anything  be- 
yond physical  care.  A  thoroughbred  was  mated  with  a  cart 
horse  of  the  lowest  type.  It  was  the  former  that  suffered 
deterioration,  as  well  as  pain.  Something  more  than  a  fair 
face  is  needed  by  the  man  who  is  selecting  a  wife. 

And,  girls,  may  I  plead  with  you  not  to  lose  your  hearts  to 
a  man  because  he  is  a  fine  athlete,  or  wears  good  clothes,  or 
has  a  manner  of  polished  elegance  and  turns  a  ready  compli- 
ment? Girls  marry  their  ideal  man  only  to  discover  that  the 
ideal  never  lodged  in  that  particular  man.  The  only  certain 
foundation  stone  for  marriage  is 

COMPATIBILITY 

The  two  must  have  congenial  tastes,  a  similar  point  of  view, 
and  harmonious  qualities  if  their  marriage  is  to  be  fortunate. 
An  educated  man  needs  a  wife  whose  mind  has  been  dis- 
ciplined by  study,  and  who  has  some  familiarity  with  books, 
though  she  may  not  have  pursued  the  same  lines  that  he  has. 


98  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

People  whose  religious  creeds  are  antagonistic  should  not 
marry. 

People  of  violent  prejudices  and  unrestrained  tempers 
should  not  marry. 

People  nearly  related  by  blood  should  not  marry.  The 
result  may  be  disastrous  to  their  offspring. 

People  in  whose  family  there  is  known  to  be  insanity,  or 
scrofula,  should  not  marry. 

People  who  cannot  be  self-denying,  and  at  times  self- 
effacing,  for  the  good  of  those  they  love,  would  better  not 
marry. 

Now,  let  us  glance  at  the  privileges  of 

AN  ENGAGED  PAIR 

The  proper  thing  to  do  before  a  man  and  a  girl  are  defi- 
nitely betrothed  is  for  him  to  ask  the  consent  of  her  parents 
to  the  arrangement.  In  America  this  is  merely  a  matter  of 
form,  as  good  American  parents  obey  their  daughters,  and 
have  tacitly  agreed  that  if  Jenny  is  pleased  with  John  no 
stumbling-block  shall  be  laid  in  her  path,  weeks  before  he 
ventures  into  their  presence  to  ask  the  all-important  question 
and  receive  their  blessing. 

In  France  it  would  be  different,  and  in  most  European 
countries  the  parents  on  both  sides  have  had  a  great  deal  to 
do  with  a  match  before  it  is  made.  With  us,  once  engaged, 
the  two  young  people  are  permitted  almost  unlimited  freedom 
in  seeing  one  another  and  being  together. 

They  spend  long  evenings  in  each  other's  company,  and  often 
the  man  sees  only  the  girl,  her  parents  and  her  family  avoiding 
the  parlor  as  if  it  held  some  fearful  danger,  and  the  man 
lingers  late,  far  too  late.  No  engaged  couple  are  sensible  to 
meet  night  after  night,  and  stay  side  by  side  till  eleven  or  twelve 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  99 

o'clock,  exchanging  the  caressing  demonstrations  that  custom, 
in  some  localities,  permits  to  the  betrothed. 

For  one  thing,  they  gradually  reach  the  end  of  the  matters 
about  which  they  can  talk.  Love  is  extremely  entertaining 
for  a  time,  but  even  love  palls  after  a  season.  In  plain  words, 
they  bore  one  another.  This  is  why  long  engagements  are  so 
uncertain,  why  they  are  such  a  weariness  to  flesh  and  spirit. 

The  girl,  living  in  a  condition  of  unwholesome  excitement 
and  being  robbed  of  her  early  sleep,  loses  some  of  her  beauty. 
Her  lover,  ceasing  to  be  in  awe  of  her,  yawns  in  her  presence, 
and  lounges  in  her  parlor.  Each,  without  acknowledging  the 
fact,  is  just  a  bit  tired,  and  a  long  engagement,  one  that 
stretches  over  a  term  of  years,  is  very  apt  to  be  finally  broken. 

From  the  perils  of  a  long  engagement  both  youths  and 
maidens  may  devoutly  pray,  "Good  Lord,  deliver  us !" 

A  pretty  distinction  is  the  portion  of  the  engaged  girl.  She 
has  advanced  a  step  above  her  sisters  whom  no  man  has  sought. 
She  may  announce  her  engagement  either  by  informal  letters 
to  all  her  friends,  or  by  a  notice  in  the  local  press.  It  would 
in  the  latter  case  be  like  this : 

"Miss  Virginia  Reed  has  just  announced  her  engagement 
to  Mr.  Reuben  Price.  The  date  for  the  wedding  has  not  been 
fixed,  but  it  will  probably  take  place  during  the  autumn." 

A  mother  often  announces  her  daughter's  engagement,  and 
to  the  girl's  most  intimate  friends  it  may  be  done  at  a  luncheon 
given  for  the  purpose.  This  is  an  especially  graceful  and 
popular  method. 

The  man  takes  pains  to  inform  his  business  associates,  his 
bachelor  friends,  and  his  kinsfolk  that  he  has  been  so  fortu- 
nate as  to  win  the  loveliest  girl  in  the  world.  He  puts  it  in  a 
less  efflorescent  fashion,  but  this  is  what  he  means. 

Engaged   young  people   should  not  be  too  exclusive,  nor 


ioo  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

forget  that  there  are  others  in  the  home  and  in  society  whom 
both  should  consider. 

Here  let  me  quote  from  a  clever  Englishwoman : 

"Life  is  not  always  unmixed  pleasure  to  the  newly  engaged 
girl ;  the  world  appears  under  altered  conditions,  and  she  finds 
herself  looking  at  everything  through  the  eyes  of  her  lover, 
A  man  is  not  always  at  his  best  when  he  is  just  engaged,  and 
a  girl  is  in  a  constant  state  of  anxiety  for  fear  that  he  may 
not  please  her  relations.  A  man  should  take  trouble  to  please 
the  friends  of  his  fiancee,  although  it  is  difficult  for  him  not  to 
be  so  engrossed  in  her  as  to  forget  that  other  people  exist  in 
the  world. 

"A  girl  finds  it  more  easy  to  adapt  herself  to  her  fiance's 
friends,  though  the  feeling  that  they  are  looking  at  her  with  a 
critical  eye  often  makes  her  a  little  nervous.  A  good  deal  of 
tact  is  required  on  both  sides  during  the  commencement  of  an 
engagement,  and  both  parties  must  do  their  best  to  make  them- 
selves agreeable  to  the  friends  of  the  other.  There  are  often 
many  difficulties  to  be  glossed  over  in  the  way  of  differences 
of  opinions  and  ideas.  A  man  never  marries  a  girl  whom  his 
sisters  would  choose  for  him,  he  nearly  always  chooses  some 
one  whose  ideas  are  a  complete  contrast  to  those  of  his  family 
circle.  The  differences  of  opinion  are  somewhat  apt  to  arise, 
and  the  friends  of  each  party  wonder  what  the  one  could 
have  seen  in  the  other. 

"Then,  an  engaged  couple  have  the  dreadful  feeling  of  being 
constantly  in  the  way.  It  is  no  use  to  say  they  are  not — they 
are  always  an  upset  to  a  house.  They  appear  to  pervade  the 
entire  atmosphere,  and  no  matter  what  room  one  goes  into 
the  .engaged  couple  seem  always  to  be  there.  They  are  not 
much  improvement  to  a  party,  and  they  are  a  worry  to  the 
family  circle.  It  is  the  duty  of  a  girl  to  try  and  make  herself 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  101 

as  little  conspicuous  as  possible,  and  she  will  be  thought  all 
the  more  of  if  she  behaves  with  unselfishness  at  this  trying 
period  of  her  life. 

"The  freedom  of  action  allowed  to  an  engaged  couple  de- 
pends chiefly  on  the  views  of  the  parents  of  the  young  lady. 
More  liberty  is  allowed  than  was  formerly  the  case,  but  in 
fashionable  circles  it  is  generally  considered  that  a  young  lady 
should  not  be  seen  without  a  chaperon  in  any  place  of  public 
amusement.  The  length  of  the  engagement  has  also  its  influ- 
ence on  the  degree  of  latitude  allowed.  If  it  is  to  last  for  a 
very  short  time  it  is  usual  to  permit  the  engaged  couple  to  be 
a  great  deal  together.  But  if  it  is  likely  to  be  a  lengthy  affair 
it  is  not  wise  for  a  young  girl  to  exploit  her  engagement  more 
than  she  can  help.  She  should  not  always  be  seen  in  company 
with  her  lover,  and  the  two  must  agree  not  to  make  them- 
selves conspicuous  in  general  society. 

"Society  becomes  very  uninteresting  to  the  newly  engaged 
couple,  who  are  never  weary  of  one  another;  still,  they  must 
try  to  behave  as  though  some  slight  interest  attached  to  the 
outside  world.  A  couple  moving  in  the  same  set  would  natu- 
rally often  meet  in  society,  and  they  would  always  be  sent  in 
to  dinner  together.  But  a  young  lady  should  not  spend  the 
whole  time  with  her  engaged  lover  at  a  party,  nor  act  as  if 
annoyed  when  he  showed  some  courtesy  to  another  girl. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  MAN'S  PEOPLE 

"It  is  the  place  of  the  bridegroom's  relatives  to  make  the 
first  advance.  They  should  call  on  the  young  lady  at  an  early 
date  (whether  previously  acquainted  or  no),  or  if  they  are  at 
a  distance  they  should  write  and  express  their  approval  of  the 
engagement.  The1  calls  should  be  returned  (or  the  letter 
answered)  without  delay.  If  the  young  lady  lives  in  the 


IO2  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

country  her  father  should  invite  the  gentleman  she  is  engaged 
to  on  a  visit,  or  the  mother  of  the  bridegroom-elect  should 
invite  the  young  lady  to  stay  with  her  for  a  week  or  two. 

"An  engaged  girl  will  often  find  that  society  ceases  to  be 
as  amusing  as  formerly,  and  that  her  life  has  narrowed  to  a 
certain  extent,  and  that  strangers  have  become  less  interesting 
to  her. 

"She  should  be  most  considerate  to  Jack  for  the  sake  of  his 
love,  and  she  should  never  slight  him  or  put  anyone  else  first, 
or  annoy  him  by  flirting  with  other  people.  On  the  other  hand, 
she  must  be  careful  not  to  spoil  him,  and  never  allow  him  to 
pay  her  less  attention  than  he  did  before  they  were  engaged. 
A  man  is  what  a  woman  makes  him,  and  if  she  allows  him  to 
get  into  bad  habits  during  the  engagement  she  will  never  be 
able  to  cure  him  of  them  during  her  married  life.  When  once 
the  relations  between  a  man  and  a  woman  cease  to  be  con- 
siderate it  is  impossible  for  the  latter  to  recover  her  position. 
So,  however  sweet  and  amiable  a  girl  is,  she  must  take  care  to 
maintain  her  own  dignity,  and  remember  that  a  woman  must 
not  be  won  unsought. 

A  BROKEN  ENGAGEMENT 

"Sometimes  it  happens  that  an  engagement  has  to  be 
broken  off,  and,  painful  though  it  may  be,  it  is  wiser  than 
continuing  a  connection  if  it  will  not  bring  happiness  to  both. 
When  an  engagement  is  broken  off  all  letters  and  presents 
should  be  returned  on  both  sides.  The  lady  sends  her  lover's 
letters  and  presents  back  first,  with  a  little  note  asking  for  the 
letters  she  has  written  him.  It  is  better  to  make  the  note  as 
short  as  possible,  yet  one  would  not  wish  it  to  be  curt.  A 
letter  of  this  kind  should  be  gentle  and  dignified,  though  its 
exact  tone  must  depend  on  the  circumstances  of  the  case.  All 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  103 

wedding  presents  received  by  the  bride-elect  must  be  returned 
to  the  donors. 

"The  mother  of  the  bride-elect  should  announce  the  break- 
ing off  of  the  engagement  to  the  relations  and  intimate  friends. 
It  will  be  more  delicate  in  friends  not  to  allude  to  the  circum- 
stance to  the  girl,  unless  they  are  on  terms  of  great  intimacy. 
A  girl  would  probably  wish  to  talk  about  it  to  her  most  inti- 
mate girl-friend,  or  even  to  some  married  friend  who  thor- 
oughly understood  her ;  but  it  would  be  the  part  of  kindness  in 
acquaintances  if  they  never  referred  to  the  subject  at  all. 

"It  is  best  for  a  girl  to  travel  for  a  little  while  when  she  has 
just  broken  off  an  engagement,  or  to  take  up  some  work  in 
which  she  can  absorb  herself  as  much  as  possible.  It  was  want 
of  occupation  and  a  monotonous  life  that  caused  so  many  of 
our  grandmothers  to  be  'disappointed  in  love.'  Although  such 
a  disappointment  is  a  serious  thing,  and  life  cannot  seem  quite 
the  same  again  to  a  girl  who  has  had  so  sad  an  experience, 
yet  we  must  hope  that  happier  days  will  dawn  for  the  young 
girl,  and  that  the  wound  which  seemed  so  deadly  at  first  may 
be  kindly  healed  by  the  gentle  hand  of  Time." 

USEFUL  MAXIMS  FOR  MARRIED  AND  SINGLE 
Never  exaggerate. 
Never  betray  a  confidence. 
Never  criticise  each  other. 
Never  wantonly  frighten  others. 
Never  leave  home  with  unkind  words. 
Never  neglect  to  call  upon  your  friends. 
Never  laugh  at  the  misfortunes  of  others. 
Never  give  a  promise  that  you  do  not  fulfill. 
Never  send  a  present  hoping  for  one  in  return. 
Never  speak  much  of  your  own  performances. 


IO4  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Never  fail  to  be  punctual  at  the  time  appointed. 

Never  make  yourself  the  hero  of  your  own  story. 

Never  fail  to  give  a  polite  answer  to  a  civil  question. 

Never  question  a  servant  or  a  child  about  family  matters. 

Never  present  a  gift  saying  that  it  is  of  no  use  to  yourself. 

Never  read  letters  which  you  may  find  addressed  to  others. 

Never  fail,  if  a  gentleman,  of  being  civil  and  polite  to 
ladies. 

Never  call  attention  to  the  features  or  form  of  anyone 
present. 

Never  refer  to  a  gift  you  have  made,  or  favor  you  have 
rendered. 

Never  associate  with  bad  company.  Have  good  company, 
or  none. 

Never  look  over  the  shoulder  of  another  who  is  reading  or 
writing. 

Never  appear  to  notice  a  scar,  deformity,  or  defect  of  anyone 
present. 

Never  arrest  the  attention  of  an  acquaintance  by  a  touch. 
Speak  to  him. 

Never  punish  your  child  for  a  fault  to  which  you  are 
addicted  yourself. 

Never  answer  questions  in  general  company  that  have  been 
put  to  others. 

Never,  when  traveling  abroad,  be  overboastful  in  praise  of 
your  own  country. 

Never  call  a  new  acquaintance  by  the  Christian  name  unless 
requested  to  do  so. 

Never  lend  an  article  you  have  borrowed,  unless  you  have 
permission  to  do  so. 

Never  attempt  to  draw  the  attention  of  the  company  con- 
stantly upon  yourself. 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  105 

Never  exhibit  anger,  impatience,  or  excitement  when  an 
accident  happens. 

Never  pass  between  two  persons  who  are  talking  together, 
without  an  apology. 

Never  enter  a  room  noisily;  never  fail  to  close  the  door 
after  you,  and  never  slam  it. 

Never  forget  that  if  you  are  faithful  in  a  few  things  you 
may  be  ruler  over  many. 

Never  exhibit  too  great  familiarity  with  the  new  acquaint- 
ance; you  may  give  offense. 

Never  will  a  gentleman  allude  to  conquests  which  he  may 
have  made  with  ladies. 

Never  be  guilty  of  the  contemptible  meanness  of  opening  a 
private  letter  addressed  to  another. 

Never  fail  to  offer  the  easiest  and  best  seat  in  the  room  to  an 
invalid,  an  elderly  person,  or  a  lady. 

Never  neglect  to  perform  the  commission  which  the  friend 
intrusted  to  you.  You  must  not  forget. 

Never  send  your  guest,  who  is  accustomed  to  a  warm  room, 
off  into  a  cold,  damp,  spare  bed,  to  sleep. 

Never  enter  a  room  filled  with  people,  without  a  slight  bow 
to  the  general  company  when  first  entering. 

Never  fail  to  answer  an  invitation,  either  personally  or  by 
letter,  within  a  week  after  the  invitation  is  received. 

Never  accept  of  favors  and  hospitalities  without  rendering  an 
exchange  of  civilities  when  opportunity  offers. 

Never  cross  the  leg  and  put  out  one  foot  in  the  street-car, 
or  places  where  it  will  trouble  others  when  passing  by. 

Never  fail  to  tell  the  truth.  Evasions  and  white  lies  are 
equally  discreditable. 

Never  borrow  money  and  neglect  to  pay.  If  you  do,  you 
will  soon  be  known  as  a  person  of  no  business  integrity. 


io6  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Never  write  to  another  asking  for  information,  or  a  favor 
of  any  kind,  without  inclosing  a  postage  stamp  for  the  reply. 

Never  fail  to  say  kind  and  encouraging  words  to  those  whom 
you  meet  in  distress.  Your  kindness  may  lift  them  out  of  their 
despair. 

Never  refuse  to  receive  an  apology.  You  may  not  revive 
friendship,  but  courtesy  will  require,  when  an  apology  is 
offered,  that  you  accept  it. 

Never  should  a  lady  accept  expensive  gifts  at  the  hands  of 
a  gentleman  not  related  or  engaged  to  her.  Gifts  of  flowers, 
books,  music,  or  confectionery  may  be  accepted. 

Never  insult  another  by  harsh  words  when  applied  to  for 
a  favor.  Kind  words  do  not  cost  much,  and  yet  they  may 
carry  untold  happiness  to  the  one  to  whom  they  are  spoken. 

Never  fail  to  speak  kindly.  If  a  merchant  and  you  address 
your  clerk,  if  an  overseer  and  you  address  your  workmen,  if 
in  any  position  where  you  exercise  authority,  show  yourself  a 
gentleman  or  a  lady  by  your  pleasant  mode  of  address. 

Never  give  all  of  your  pleasant  words  and  smiles  to  strangers. 
The  kindest  words  and  the  sweetest  smiles  should  be  reserved 
for  home.  Home  should  be  our  heaven. 

If  I  had  known  in  the  morning 

How  wearily  all  the  day 
The  words  unkind  would  trouble  my  mind 

I  said,  when  you  went  away, 
I  had  been  more  careful,  darling, 

Nor  given  you  needless  pain ; 
But  we  vex  our  own  with  look  and  tone 

We  might  never  take  back  again. 

For  though  in  the  quiet  evening 

You  should  give  me  the  kiss  of  peace, 
Yet  it  well  might  be  that  never  for  me 

The  pain  of  the  heart  should  cease. 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  107 

How  many  go  forth  at  morning 

Who  never  come  home  at  night ! 
And  hearts  have  broken  for  harsh  words  spoken 

That  sorrow  can  ne'er  set  right. 

We  have  careful  thought  for  the  stranger, 

And  smiles  for  the  sometime  guest, 
But  oft  for  our  own  the  bitter  tone, 

Though  we  love  our  own  the  best. 
Ah,  lip  with  the  curve  impatient, 

Ah,  brow  with  the  look  of  scorn, 
'Twere  a  cruel  fate  were  the  night  too  late 

To  undo  the  work  of  morn. 


And  here  is  a  little  sermon  in  rhyme  for  every  day's  thought; 

It  isn't  the  thing  you  do,  dear, 

It's  the  thing  you  leave  undone, 
That  gives  you  a  bit  of  the  heartache 

At  the  setting  of  the  sun. 
The  tender  word  forgotten ; 

The  letter  you  did  not  write; 
The  flower  you  did  not  send,  dear, 

Are  your  haunting  ghosts  at  night. 

The  stone  you  might  have  lifted 

Out  of  a  brother's  way; 
The  bit  of  heartsome  counsel 

You  were  hurried  too  much  to  say; 
The  loving  touch  of  the  hand,  dear, 

The  gentle,  winning  tones, 
Which  you  had  no  time  nor  thought  for, 

With  troubles  enough  of  your  own. 

Those  little  acts  of  kindness 

Sq  easily  out  of  mind, 
Those  chances  to  be  angels 

Which  we  poor  mortals  find, 


io8  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

They  come  in  night  and  silence, 
Each  sad,  reproachful  wraith 

When  hope  is  faint  and  flagging 
And  a  chill  has  fallen  on  faith. 

For  life  is  all  too  short,  dear, 

And  sorrow  is  all  too  great, 
To  suffer  our  slow  compassion 

That  tarries  until  too  late; 
And  it  isn't  the  thing  you  do,  dear, 

It's  the  thing  you  leave  undone, 
Which  gives  you  a  bit  of  a  heartache 

At  the  setting  of  the  sun. 


IN  CASE  OF  THE  FAIR  ONE'S  REFUSAL 
"When  a  lady  rejects  the  proposal  of  a  gentleman  her  be- 
havior should  be  characterized  by  the  most  delicate  feeling 
toward  him  who,  in  offering  her  his  hand,  has  proved  his 
desire  to  confer  upon  her,  by  this  implied  preference  for  her 
above  all  other  women,  the  greatest  honor  it  is  in  his  power 
to  offer.  Therefore,  if  she  have  no  love  for  him,  she  ought  at 
least  to  evince  a  tender  regard  for  his  feelings,  and,  in  the 
event  of  her  being  previously  engaged,  should  at  once  acquaint 
him  with  the  fact.  No  right-minded  man  would  desire  to 
persist  in  a  suit  when  he  well  knew  that  the  object  of  his 
admiration  had  already  disposed  of  her  heart. 

"When  a  gentleman  makes  an  offer  of  his  hand  by  letter,  the 
letter  must  be  answered,  and  certainly  not  returned,  should 
the  answer  be  a  refusal ;  unless,  indeed,  when  from  a  previous 
repulse,  or  some  other  particular  and  special  circumstance, 
such  an  offer  may  be  regarded  by  the  lady  or  her  relatives 
as  presumptuous  and  intrusive.  Under  such  circumstances  the 
letter  may  be  placed  by  the  lady  in  the  hands  of  her  parents  or 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  109 

guardian,  to  be  dealt  with  by  them  as  they  may  deem  most 
advisable. 

"No  woman  of  proper  feeling  would  regard  her  rejection  of 
an  offer  of  marriage  from  a  worthy  man  as  a  matter  of  tri- 
umph; her  feeling  on  such  an  occasion  should  be  one  of  re- 
gretful sympathy  with  him  for  the  pain  she  is  unavoidably 
compelled  to  inflict.  Nor  should  such  a  rejection  be  unac- 
companied with  some  degree  of  self-examination  on  her  part, 
to  discern  whether  any  lightness  of  demeanor  or  tendency  to 
flirtation  may  have  given  rise  to  a  false  hope  of  her  favoring 
his  suit.  At  all  events,  no  lady  should  ever  treat  the  man  who 
has  so  honored  her  with  the  slightest  disrespect  or  frivolous 
disregard,  nor  ever  unfeelingly  parade  a  more  favored  suitor 
before  one  whom  she  has  refused. 

IN  THE  MATTER  OF  A  PROPOSAL 

"Somebody  at  my  elbow  suggests  that  I  have  not  intimated 
how  a  man  should  propose.  The  plain  truth  is  I  do  not  know. 
But  a  man  must  not  be  abject.  Faint  heart  never  won  fair 
lady  since  the  world  began. 

"When  about  to  take  this  step  the  suitor's  first  difficulty  is 
how  to  get  a  favorable  opportunity ;  and  next,  having  got  the 
chance,  how  to  screw  his  courage  up  to  give  utterance  to  the 
'declaration.'  A  declaration  in  writing  should  certainly  be 
avoided  where  the  lover  can  by  any  possibility  get  at  the  lady's 
ear.  But  there  are  cases  where  this  is  so  difficult  that  an  im- 
patient lover  cannot  be  restrained  from  adopting  the  agency 
of  a  billet-doux  in  declaring  his  passion. 

"The  lady,  before  proposal,  is  generally  prepared  for  it.  It 
is  seldom  that  such  an  avowal  comes  without  some  previous 
indications  of  look  or  manner  on  the  part  of  the  admirer  which 
can  hardly  fail  of  being  understood.  She  may  not,  indeed, 


no  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

consider  herself  engaged,  and,  although  nearly  certain  of 
the  conquest  she  has  made,  may  yet  have  her  misgivings.  Some 
gentlemen  dread  to  ask,  lest  they  should  be  refused.  Many 
pause  just  at  the  point,  and  refrain  from  anything  like  ardor 
in  their  professions  of  attachment  until  they  feel  confident 
that  they  may  be  spared  the  mortification  and  ridicule  that 
is  supposed  to  attach  to  being  rejected,  in  addition  to  the  pain 
of  disappointed  hope.  This  hesitation  when  the  mind  is  made 
up  is  wrong;  but  it  does  often  occur,  and  we  suppose  ever 
will  do  so,  with  persons  of  great  timidity  of  character.  By 
it  both  parties  are  kept  needlessly  fretted,  until  the  long- 
looked-for  opportunity  unexpectedly  arrives,  when  the  flood 
gates  of  feeling  are  loosened  and  the  full  tide  of  mutual  affec- 
tion gushes  forth  uncontrolled.  It  is,  however,  at  this  mo- 
ment— the  agony-point  to  the  embarrassed  lover,  who  'dotes 
yet  doubts' — whose  suppressed  feelings  rendered  him  morbidly 
sensitive — that  a  lady  should  be  especially  careful  lest  any 
show  of  either  prudery  or  coquetry  on  her  part  should  lose  to 
her  forever  the  object  of  her  choice.  True  love  is  generally 
delicate  and  timid,  and  may  easily  be  scared  by  affected  in- 
difference, through  feelings  of  wounded  pride.  A  lover  needs 
very  little  to  assure  him  of  the  reciprocation  of  his  attachment ; 
a  glance,  a  single  pressure  of  the  hand,  a  whispered  syllable, 
on  the  part  of  the  loved  one,  will  suffice  to  confirm  his  hopes." 

SHOULD  A  LADY  EVER  BREAK  HER  ENGAGEMENT? 
Certainly,  if  she  finds  she  has  made  a  mistake.  Incompati- 
bility, jealousy  that  has  been  discovered  as  a  fatal  flaw  in  the 
loved  one,  or  ill  health  may  cause  a  lady  to  terminate  her 
engagement.  On  her  part,  the  truth  must  be  spoken,  and 
the  reasons  frankly  given ;  there  must  be  no  room  left  for  the 
suspicion  of  its  having  originated  in  caprice  or  injustice.  The 


CONCERNING  COURTSHIP  nr 

case  should  be  so  put  that  the  gentleman  himself  must  see  and 
acknowledge  the  justice  of  the  painful  decision  arrived  at. 
Incompatible  habits,  ungentlemanly  actions,  anything  tending 
to  diminish  that  respect  for  the  lover  which  should  be  felt  for 
the  husband;  inconstancy,  ill-governed  temper — all  of  which, 
not  to  mention  other  obvious  objections — are  to  be  considered 
as  sufficient  reasons  for  terminating  an  engagement.  The  com- 
munication should  be  made  as  tenderly  as  possible ;  room  may 
be  left  in  mere  venial  cases  for  reformation;  but  all  that  is 
done  must  be  so  managed  that  not  the  slightest  shadow  of 
fickleness  or  want  of  faith  may  rest  upon  the  character  of  the 
lady.  It  must  be  remembered,  however,  that  the  termination 
of  an  engagement  by  a  lady  has  the  privilege  of  passing  un- 
challenged ;  a  lady  not  being  bound  to  declare  any  other  reason 
than  her  will.  Nevertheless  she  owes  it  to  her  own  reputation 
that  her  decision  should  rest  on  a  sufficient  foundation,  and  be 
unmistakably  pronounced. 

IF  A  MAN  ASKS  RELEASE 

from  an  engagement,  he  is  very  painfully  and  delicately  placed. 
The  situation  fairly  bristles  with  thorns  and  briers.  The  rea- 
sons must  be  strong  indeed  that  can  sufficiently  justify  a  man, 
placed  in  the  position  of  an  accepted  suitor,  in  severing  the  ties 
by  which  he  has  bound  himself  to  a  lady  with  the  avowed  in- 
tention of  making  her  his  wife.  His  reasons  for 'breaking  off 
his  engagement  must  be  such  as  will  not  merely  satisfy  his 
own  conscience,  but  will  justify  him  in  the  eyes  of  the  world. 
If  the  fault  be  on  the  lady's  side,  great  reserve  and  delicacy 
will  be  observed  by  any  man  of  honor.  If,  on  the  other  hand, 
the  imperative  force  of  circumstances,  such  as  loss  of  fortune, 
or  some  other  unexpected  calamity  to  himself,  may  be  the 
cause,  then  must  the  reason  be  clearly  and  fully  explained, 


ii2  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

in  such  a  manner  as  to  soothe  the  painful  feelings  which  such  a 
result  must  necessarily  occasion  to  the  lady  and  her  friends. 
It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  point  out  the  necessity  for  observing 
great  caution  in  all  that  relates  to  the  antecedents  of  an  engage- 
ment that  has  been  broken  off;  especially  the  return  on  either 
side  of  presents  and  of  all  letters  that  have  passed. 


t-upyrigbt,  iyvi,  bj  Uuucrwowl 

THE  WEDDING  MARCH 


vu 

GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE 

THE  coronation  of  a  woman's  life  comes  on  her  wedding 
day.  It  has  been  her  prerogative  to  name  it,  and  her  bride- 
groom has  been  urgent  in  pleading  for  an  earlier  date  than  the 
one  she  has  finally  set. 

But  the  bride  draws  back  a  little  from  leaving  her  mother 
and  her  early  home.  Childhood  is  forever  past,  girlhood  and 
its  triumphs  are  going,  and  she  steps  into  maturity  when  she 
stands  before  the  altar  at  her  loved  one's  side. 

When  the  Princess  Victoria  of  England  was  married  to  the 
Crown  Prince  of  Germany,  as  the  ceremony  was  finished,  she 
threw  herself  impulsively  into  her  mother's  arms.  That  touch 
of  nature  drew  tears  from  eyes  all  around  the  globe.  Most 
mothers  weep  when  their  daughters  are  wedded,  and  yet  they 
are  not  weeping  for  sorrow.  They  are,  as  I  heard  a  mother 
once  say,  "tearfully  proud,"  for  no  mother  is  regretful  when 
her  daughter  is  a  bride. 

The  day  being  fixed,  the  prospective  husband  attends  to 
the  furnishing  of  the  new  home,  and  to  the  engaging  of  the 
clergyman. 

THE  GROOM'S  WARDROBE 

Nobody  alludes  to  his  trousseau,  yet  it  behooves  him  to  have 
a  new  and  nice  wardrobe  with  clothing  proper  to  his  station, 
and  everything  as  it  should  be.  A  bride  is  not  expected  to 
begin  her  lifelong  task  of  darning  stockings  and  sewing  on 
buttons  until  the  honeymoon  has  become  a  thing  of  the  past. 


H4  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

The  bridegroom's  family,  his  mother  and  sisters,  are  supposed 
to  see  that  he  discards  his  old  clothes  of  which  the  best  of  men 
are  fond,  and  starts,  newly  equipped,  on  his  new  chapter  of 
life. 

If  married  in  the  daytime  a  man  wears  a  frock  coat,  white 
vest,  and  gray  trousers ;  if  in  the  evening,  he  may  wear  dress 
clothes.  His  part  in  the  expenses  of  the  wedding  day  is 
limited  to  the  clergyman's  fee,  the  bride's  flowers,  and  the 
carriage  which  bears  him  and  his  bride  away.  Every  other 
expense  is  assumed  by  the  family  of  the  bride. 

THE  BRIDE'S  TROUSSEAU 

The  bride's  outfit  when  she  leaves  her  father's  house  is  very 
complete,  because  she  will  not  any  longer  send  her  bills  to  her 
father  or  ask  him  for  money  to  buy  clothes.  From  the  moment 
she  becomes  a  wife  her  good  man  must  pay  her  expenses, 
whatever  they  are. 

The  young  wife  naturally  desires  to  defer  the  period  when 
her  husband  must  be  asked  to  purchase  things  for  her — wear- 
ing apparel  particularly.  So  she  endeavors  to  have  as  varied 
and  extensive  a  trousseau  as  possible. 

Many  beautiful  garments  may  be  bought  outright  in  the 
shops  to-day,  and  no  girl  is  justified  in  wearing  herself  to 
shreds  in  the  effort  to  get  her  new  clothing  made.  I  have  seen 
brides  so  worn,  so  pale,  so  "tuckered  out"  by  the  sewing  of 
weary  weeks,  that  they  went  like  wan  ghosts  to  the  altar; 
they  had  used  up  nervous  tissue  so  shamefully  that  they  were 
unfit  to  enter  on  marriage.  But  this  was  in  an  earlier  day. 
With  each  succeeding  year  women  and  brides  grow  more  care- 
ful of  health,  and  less  wasteful  of  strength,  and  they  no  longer 
prepare  for  a  wedding  as  if  they  were  about  to  emigrate  to  a 
wild  region  beyond  the  reach  of  shops. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  115 

In  her  excellent  manual  entitled  Weddings  Mrs.  Burton 
Kingsland  enumerates  the  articles  of  dress  which  a  bride  may 
need,  and  gives  a  list  of  desirable  gowns  and  underclothing 
somewhat  as  follows.  It  may  be  a  guide. 

"A  dark  blue  serge  skirt  and  jacket,  for  general  wear  and 
for  traveling;  a  wash-silk  shirt-waist.  For  visiting  and  dress 
occasions,  a  light  gray  or  soft  tan  cashmere,  with  tiny  yoke  of 
white,  covered  with  heavy  white  lace;  another  bodice  of  light 
silk  that  harmonizes  prettily  with  the  visiting  gown,  to  make  a 
change  for  evening  entertainments ;  a  tan  cloth  or  covert 
jacket,  useful  to  wear  with  anything,  and  never  out  of  fashion; 
a  white  pique  skirt,  Eton  jacket,  with  lawn  waist,  made  with 
tucks  and  a  bit  of  fine  embroidery;  two  gingham  frocks,  as 
simple  as  may  be ;  a  pink  dimity  or  organdie  with  ribbon 
belt  (a  foulard  might  replace  the  pique  and  organdie  gowns)  ; 
four  cotton  shirt-waists;  a  wrapper  of  pale  blue  albatross; 
hats,  shoes,  and  gloves ;  belt  and  ribbons ;  and  sun  umbrella. 
Other  needful  things  would  be  four  to  six  sets  of  muslin 
underclothing,  four  lisle-thread  vests,  a  corset  and  covers,  two 
white  skirts,  a  serge  skirt,  with  stockings  and  handkerchiefs 
at  discretion. 

Many  of  these  things  could  be  made  at  home  by  the  aid  of  a 
seamstress,  or  by  the  bride  and  her  sisters  or  friends.  An 
autumn  or  winter  bride  might  omit  some  of  the  thinner  dresses 
and  supply  their  place  with  heavier  ones. 

A  bride  provides  the  household  linen  for  her  new  home.  For 
every  bed  she  must  count  on  three  pairs  of  fine  muslin  sheets, 
three  pairs  of  pillow  cases,  three  bolster  cases,  a  pair  of  blan- 
kets, two  counterpanes,  and  an  extra  quilt;  for  her  bath 
room,  three  dozen  towels  and  a  half  dozen  bath  towels;  for 
her  maid,  if  she  have  one,  six  towels  and  two  bath  towels ;  for 
her  table,  four  tablecloths  and  two  dozen  napkins ;  with  two 


u6  Goon  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

finer  tablecloths  and  two  dozen  napkins  for  great  occasions; 
for  the  kitchen,  three  dozen  crash  towels  for  dishes  and  four 
roller  towels. 

THE  FAMILY 

Marriage  is  the  founding  of  a  family,  and  on  the  permanence 
and  security  of  the  family  depends  the  well-being  of  the  nation. 
Therefore,  when  the  bride  steps  over  the  sill,  and  enters  her 
new  home,  when  the  husband  for  the  first  time  sits  down  at  the 
head  of  his  own  table,  it  is  as  if  a  sacrament  were  celebrated. 
The  beginnings  of  married  life  are  so  important  as  to  be  sol- 
emn. What  a  pity  it  is  that  too  often  the  contracting  parties 
enter  on  marriage  with  so  slight  a  sense  of  its  deep  meaning, 
and  so  little  concern  for  its  far-reaching  consequences!  The 
most  obscure  married  pair  may  send  far  down  the  unknown 
future  their  traits  and  characteristics,  as  children  and  children's 
children  repeat  them. 

Fidelity  is  the  corner  stone  of  marriage;  and  the  family 
exists  in  its  perfection  only  when  there  is  good  faith,  un- 
marred,  and  confidence  unflavored  by  doubt  in  the  sacred 
circle  of  the  home.  Jealousy,  suspicion,  and  their  evil  brood 
poison  the  atmosphere  of  the  family. 

At  the  outset  the  young  people  who  marry  should  resolve 
never  to  permit  the  sun  to  go  down  on  their  wrath.  Lovers 
fondly  fancy  that  they  will  never  have  a  quarrel,  that  no 
breach  will  ever  undermine  their  walls,  that  they  will  not  for 
an  instant  have  even  a  misunderstanding.  Being  subject  to  the 
infirmities  that  beset  Adam's  sons  and  Eve's  daughters,  how- 
ever, most  youthful  husbands  and  wives  occasionally  have  little 
differences  which  need  not  amount  to  jars  if  they  simply  fol- 
low one  rule:  Never  go  to  sleep  at  night  except  in  friendly 
harmony.  If  there  has  been  a  disturbance  of  peace,  settle  it 
before  bedtime.  If  either  has  done  or  said  anything  to  wound 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  117 

the  other,  confess  and  ask  pardon  before  the  head  touches  the 
pillow.  Marriage  must  exemplify  friendship's  highest  ideal, 
or  else  it  will  be  a  failure. 

Husbands  should  be  as  courteous  to  their  wives  as  to  the 
wives  and  daughters  of  other  men.  Wives  should  be  as  def- 
erential to  their  husbands  as  they  are  to  other  men  whom  they 
meet  in  society. 

Husbands  and  wives  should  respect  each  other's  privacy. 
Married  people,  like  other  people,  should  knock  before  they 
enter  a  closed  door.  Even  the  most  devoted  wife  may  not 
always  wish  her  husband  to  burst  unannounced  into  her  room, 
and  the  most  adoring  husband  may  prefer  that  his  wife  should 
tap  at  the  door  of  his  den  before  she  walks  in.  This  precaution 
may  be  dubbed  "high-falutin'  "  by  some  old-fashigned  readers, 
yet  it  is  simply  the  perfection  of  graceful  old-school  courtesy. 

Nagging  on  the  part  of  a  wife  and  fault-finding  on  the  part 
of  a  husband  are  inexcusable  and  fatal  performances. 

Recriminations  and  jests  that  hide  a  sneer  or  a  sting  are 
shockingly  out  of  place  in  marriage. 

"It  is  the  little  rift  within  the  lute 

That  by  and  by  will  make  the  music  mute." 

A  husband  should  not  open  his  wife's  letters,  nor  should 
she  open  his.  Because  persons  are  married  they  have  not  given 
up  the  privilege  of  correspondence  without  curious  scrutiny. 

Money  is  a  fruitful  source  of  domestic  misery.  A  wife 
should  not  have  to  ask  for  money,  nor  should  her  husband 
bestow  it  upon  her.  The  family  income  belongs  to  both.  The 
man  earns  it,  the  woman  administers  it.  A  husband  pays  the 
rent,  buys  the  coal,  settles  the  doctor's  bills,  pays  the  taxes, 
carries  on  the  outside  management  of  the  home.  A  wife 
should  keep  strict  housekeeping  accounts,  pay  butcher,  baker, 


u8  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

dressmaker,  grocer,  and  dry  goods  bills.  For  this  purpose 
she  should  have  a  stipulated  weekly  or  monthly  allowance,  so 
that  she  need  not  always  be  going  to  John  for  the  milkman's 
or  the  iceman's  money,  and  that  she  need  not  always  explain 
what  became  of  the  dollar  she  had  in  her  purse  last  Monday. 
Common  sense  and  complete  confidence  insure  good  manners 
in  family  finance. 

Epitomizing  the  above  are  some  concrete  sayings  which  may 
serve  to  fix  our  ideas  of  good  breeding  in  the  house : 

ETIQUETTE  BETWEEN  HUSBANDS  AND  WIVES 

Let  the  rebuke  be  preceded  by  a  kiss. 

Do  not  require  a  request  to  be  repeated. 

Never  should  both  be  angry  at  the  same  time. 

Never  neglect  the  other,  for  all  the  world  besides. 

Let  each  strive  to  always  accommodate  the  other. 

Let  the  angry  word  be  answered  only  with  a  kiss. 

Bestow  your  warmest  sympathies  in  each  other's  trials. 

Make  your  criticism  in  the  most  loving  manner  possible. 

Make  no  display  of  the  sacrifices  you  make  for  each  other. 

Never  make  a  remark  calculated  to  bring  ridicule  upon  the 
other. 

Never  deceive ;  confidence,  once  lost,  can  never  be  wholly 
regained. 

Always  use  the  most  gentle  and  loving  words  when  ad- 
dressing each  other. 

Let  each  study  what  pleasure  can  be  bestowed  upon  the 
other  during  the  day. 

Always  leave  home  with  a  tender  good-bye  and  loving  words. 
They  may  be  the  last. 

Consult  and  advise  together  in  all  that  comes  within  the 
experience  and  sphere  of  each  individually. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  119 

Never  reproach  the  other  for  an  error  which  was  done  with 
a  good  motive  and  with  the  best  judgment  at  the  time. 

THE  WIFE'S  DUTY 

Never  should  a  wife  display  her  best  conduct,  her  accom- 
plishments, her  smiles,  and  her  best  nature,  exclusively  away 
from  home. 

Be  careful  in  your  purchases.  Let  your  husband  know  what 
you  buy,  and  that  you  have  wisely  expended  your  money. 

Let  no  wife  devote  a  large  portion  of  her  time  to  society 
work  which  shall  keep  her  away  from  home  daytimes  and 
evenings,  without  the  full  concurrence  of  her  husband. 

Beware  of  intrusting  the  confidence  of  your  household  to 
outside  parties.  The  moment  you  discuss  the  faults  of  your 
husband  with  another,  that  moment  an  element  of  discord  has 
been  admitted  which  will  one  day  rend  your  family  circle. 

If  in  moderate  circumstances,  do  not  be  overambitious  to 
make  an  expensive  display  in  your  rooms.  With  your  own 
work  you  can  embellish  at  a  cheap  price,  and  yet  very  hand- 
somely, if  you  have  taste.  Let  the  adornings  of  your  private 
rooms  be  largely  the  work  of  your  own  hands. 

Beware  of  bickering  about  little  things.  Your  husband  re- 
turns from  his  labors  with  his  mind  absorbed  in  business.  In 
his  dealings  with  his  employees  he  is  in  the  habit  of  giving 
commands  and  of  being  obeyed.  In  his  absent-mindedness 
he  does  not  realize,  possibly,  the  change  from  his  business  to 
his  home,  and  the  same  dictatorial  spirit  may  possess  him  in 
the  domestic  circle.  Should  such  be  the  case,  avoid  all  dis- 
putes. What  matters  it  where  a  picture  hangs,  or  a  flower  vase 
may  sit.  Make  the  home  so  charming  and  so  wisely  ordered 
that  your  husband  will  gladly  be  relieved  of  its  care,  and  will 
willingly  yield  up  its  entire  management  to  yourself. 


I2O  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Be  always  very  careful  of  your  conduct  and  language.  A 
husband  is  largely  influenced  by  the  modesty,  purity,  and  re- 
finement of  his  wife.  A  lowering  of  dignity,  a  looseness  of 
expression  and  coarseness  of  words,  may  greatly  lower  the 
standard  of  the  husband's  purity  of  speech  and  morals.  No 
wife  should  forget  this. 

Whatever  may  have  been  the  cares  of  the  day,  greet  your 
husband  pleasantly  when  he  returns.  Make  your  personal 
appearance  just  as  beautiful  as  possible.  Your  dress  may  be 
made  of  calico,  but  it  should  be  neat.  Let  him  enter  rooms 
so  attractive  and  sunny  that  all  the  recollections  of  him  home, 
when  away  from  the  same,  shall  attract  him  back. 

Be  careful  that  you  do  not  estimate  your  husband  solely 
by  his  ability  to  make  display.  The  nature  of  his  employ- 
ment, in  comparison  with  others,  may  not  be  favorable  for 
fine  show,  but  that  should  matter  not.  The  superior  qualities 
of  mind  and  heart  alone  will  bring  permanent  happiness. 

To  have  a  cheerful,  pleasant  home  awaiting  the  husband,  is 
not  all.  He  may  bring  a  guest  whom  he  desires  favorably  to 
impress,  and  upon  you  will  devolve  the  duty  of  entertaining 
the  visitor  so  agreeably  that  the  husband  shall  take  pride  in 
you.  A  man  does  not  alone  require  that  his  wife  be  a  good 
housekeeper.  She  must  be  more ;  in  conversational  talent  and 
general  accomplishment  she  must  be  a  companion. 

THE  HUSBAND'S  DUTY 

A  very  grave  responsibility  has  the  man  assumed  in  his 
marriage.  Fond  parents  have  confided  to  his  care  the  welfare 
of  a  loved  daughter,  and  a  trusting  woman  has  risked  all  her 
future  happiness  in  his  keeping.  Largely  will  it  depend  upon 
him  whether  her  pathway  shall  be  strewn  with  thorns  or  roses. 

Let  your  wife  understand  fully  your  business.     In  nearly 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  121 

every  case  she  will  be  found  a  most  valuable  adviser  when  she 
understands  all  your  circumstances. 

Do  not  be  dictatorial  in  the  family  circle.  The  home  is  the 
wife's  province.  It  is  her  natural  field  of  labor.  It  is  her 
right  to  govern  and  direct  its  interior  management.  You 
would  not  expect  her  to  come  to  your  shop,  your  office,  your 
store,  or  your  farm  to  give  orders  how  your  work  should  be 
conducted ;  neither  should  you  interfere  with  the  duties  which 
legitimately  belong  to  her. 

If  a  dispute  arises,  dismiss  the  subject  with  a  kind  word, 
and  do  not  seek  to  carry  your  point  by  discussion.  It  is  a 
glorious  achievement  to  master  one's  own  temper.  You  may 
discover  that  you  are  in  error,  and  if  your  wife  is  wrong  she 
will  gladly,  in  her  cooler  moments,  acknowledge  the  fault. 

Having  confided  to  your  wife  all  your  business  affairs,  deter- 
mine with  her  what  your  income  will  be  in  the  coming  year. 
Afterward  ascertain  what  your  household  expenses  will  neces- 
sarily be,  and  then  set  aside  a  weekly  sum,  which  should  regu- 
larly and  invariably  be  paid  the  wife  at  a  stated  time.  Let 
this  sum  be  even  more  than  enough,  so  that  the  wife  can  pay 
all  bills,  and  have  the  satisfaction  besides  of  accumulating  a 
fund  of  her  own,  with  which  she  can  exercise  a  spirit  of  in- 
dependence in  the  bestowal  of  charity,  the  purchase  of  a  gift, 
or  any  article  she  may  desire.  You  may  be  sure  that  the  wife 
will  very  seldom  use  the  money  unwisely,  if  the  husband  gives 
her  his  entire  confidence. 

Your  wife,  possibly,  is  inexperienced ;  perhaps  she  is  delicate 
in  health,  also,  and  matters  that  would  be  of  little  concern  to 
you  may  weigh  heavily  upon  her.  She  needs,  therefore,  your 
tenderest  approval,  your  sympathy  and  gentle  advice.  When 
her  efforts  are  crowned  with  success,  be  sure  that  you  give 
her  praise.  Few  husbands  realize  how  happy  the  wife  is 


122  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

made  by  the  knowledge  that  her  efforts  and  her  merits  are 
appreciated.  There  are  times,  also,  when  the  wife's  variable 
condition  of  health  will  be  likely  to  make  her  cross  and  petu- 
lant; the  husband  must  overlook  all  this,  even  if  the  wife  is 
at  times  unreasonable. 

Endeavor  to  so  regulate  your  household  affairs  that  all  the 
faculties  of  the  mind  shall  have  due  cultivation.  There  should 
be  a  time  for  labor,  and  a  time  for  recreation.  There  should 
be  cultivation  of  the  social  nature,  and  there  should  be  atten- 
tion given  to  the  spiritual.  The  wife  should  not  be  required 
to  lead  a  life  of  drudgery.  Matters  should  be  so  regulated 
that  she  may  early  finish  her  labors  of  the  day ;  and  the  good 
husband  will  so  control  his  business  that  he  may  be  able  to 
accompany  his  wife  to  various  places  of  amusement  and  enter- 
tainment. Thus  the  intellectual  will  be  provided  for,  and  the 
social  qualities  be  kept  continually  exercised. 

THE  WEDDING  RING 

From  time  immemorial  the  wedding  ring  has  been  a  band 
of  gold.  At  present  it  is  not  very  wide,  but  it  must  be  of  the 
best  gold  in  the  market.  The  ring  is  significant  of  eternity, 
the  unbroken  circle,  going  on  forever  and  ever. 

According  to  Mrs.  Burton  Kingsland  in  her  book  on  Wed- 
dings, "the  best  man  takes  the  ring  and  gives  it  to  the  bride- 
groom, who  passes  it  to  the  bride,  and  she  hands  it  to  the 
clergyman,  who  gives  it  to  the  bridegroom,  who  then  places 
it  on  the  fourth  finger  of  the  bride's  left  hand.  This  completes 
the  circle,  typical  as  the  ring  itself  of  the  perpetuity  of  the 
compact.  The  significance  of  the  bride  giving  the  ring  into  the 
hands  of  the  clergyman,  from  whom  the  bridegroom  receives 
it,  is  symbolic  of  the  sanction  of  the  Church." 

After  marriage  the  engagement  ring  may  be  worn  as  a  guard. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  123 

Wives  like  to  keep  the  wedding  ring  on  forever,  that  is, 
without  removing  it  for  any  reason.  It  is  a  badge  of  honor, 
and,  worn  on  any  woman's  hand,  a  symbol  of  her  right  to 
belong  to  the  ranks  of  worthy  matrons. 

When,  years  ago,  the  terrible  disaster  occurred  to  the 
General  Slocum,  in  which  a  thousand  women  and  children 
perished,  nothing  was  sadder  than  to  see  rows  upon  rows  of 
women,  drawn  from  the  engulfing  waters,  each  with  her 
wedding  ring  upon  her  hand. 

A  wedding  ring  is  often  taken  from  a  dead  hand,  that  it 
may  be  preserved  for  children,  but  sometimes  it  is  buried  with 
the  wearer,  and  this  seems  to  me  the  proper  thing  to  do.  Why 
should  the  wife  part  with  her  wedding  ring  even  in  her 
grave  ? 

Initials  and  the  date  are  engraved  on  the  inner  surface  of 
the  wedding  ring.  Sometimes  there  is  in  addition  a  brief 
sentiment,  but  this  is  unnecessary.  Formerly,  when  the  wed- 
ding ring  was  a  broad  band,  some  persons  liked  to  engrave  in 
it  a  phrase,  as,  for  instance,  "With  heart  and  hand  at  thy  com- 
mand," or  "Endless  as  this  shall  be  our  bliss,"  or  "United 
hearts,  death  only  parts."  "One  in  Christ"  was  the  motto 
chosen  by  a  wife  and  husband  whom  I  knew. 

The  groom  should  be  very  careful  not  to  lose  his  head  before 
the  ceremony.  A  wedding  was  embarrassingly  delayed  and 
interrupted  because  the  bridegroom  had  forgotten  to  give  the 
ring  to  the  best  man.  A  prolonged  search  lasting  fifteen  min- 
utes was  rewarded  by  its  discovery  in  the  pocket  of  a  vest  at 
the  bottom  of  the  absent-minded  bridegroom's  trunk,  in  a 
room  at  the  very  top  of  the  house.  Imagine  the  feelings  of 
all  concerned  while  the  search  was  going  on !  Absence  of  mind 
is  to  be  avoided  by  this  most  important  personage  at  a 
wedding. 


124  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

THE  BRIDE'S  BOUQUET 

The  bride's  bouquet  and  the  flowers  carried  by  her  attend- 
ants are  provided  by  the  groom.  The  bride  chooses  her  flowers. 
They  are  usually  white  roses,  lilies  of  the  valley,  or  orchids. 
When  the  bride  goes  away  she  flings  her  flowers  to  the  wed- 
ding guests,  who  like  to  secure  some  of  them  as  souvenirs. 

WEDDING  CAKE 

In  dainty  boxes,  ribbon-tied,  the  bride's  cake  is  distributed 
to  the  guests,  who  carry  away  a  box  on  leaving.  The  senti- 
mental young  woman  who  puts  a  bit  of  the  wedding  cake  under 
her  pillow  may  have  a  dream  that  will  bring  her  good  fortune. 

At  the  wedding  breakfast  or  supper  the  bride  herself  makes 
the  first  incision  in  the  large  frosted  cake  which  is  brought 
to  her  before  it  is  served  to  the  company. 

To  be  at  its  best,  the  rich  black  fruit  cake  which  is  the 
time-honored  wedding  cake  should  be  made  months  before- 
hand and  kept  in  a  covered  stone  crock,  as  it  mellows  with  age. 

THE  WEDDING  GOWN 

The  wedding  gown  for  a  bride  who  wears  full  dress  must 
be  white,  symbolic  of  purity  and  most  appropriate  to  youth. 
For  the  fabric  chosen,  any  rich  and  elegant  material  is  in  order, 
a  heavy  silk  brocade,  or  satin,  profusely  trimmed  with  costly 
lace,  being  the  preference  of  many  brides.  But  any  sheer 
white  goods,  as  a  fine  mull  or  organdie,  or  a  very  soft  clinging 
wool,  may  equally  be  the  bride's  selection.  The  gown  is 
always  high  in  the  neck  and  long  in  the  sleeves,  or,  if  it  have 
elbow  sleeves,  the  arms  from  the  wrist  are  covered  with  long 
white  gloves. 

Modesty  is  the  bride's  peculiar  adornment,  and  it  is  there- 
fore that  from  ancient  times  until  now  the  bride  has  been 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  125 

enveloped  in  the  folds  of  a  long  veil.  In  the  days  of  Isaac  and 
Rebekah  this  was  simply  such  an  opaque  mantel  as  the  Syrian 
women  still  assume  when  they  go  abroad;  in  our  day  it  is  a 
diaphanous  affair,  white  as  a  snowflake,  elusive  as  a  misty 
wreath,  shimmering  as  with  morning  dew,  embroidered  with 
lilies,  an  heirloom  often  handed  down  in  a  family  for 
generations. 

A  bride  need  not  wear  a  veil  if  she  does  not  wish  to  do  so, 
as  a  pretty  white  gown  fulfills  every  requirement.  But  wear 
everything  white — shoes,  gloves,  belt,  sash,  and  laces.  A  hat 
is  not  to  be  worn  with  this  dress. 

A  bride,  if  she  is  leaving  at  once,  without  a  reception,  may 
be  dressed  in  her  traveling  costume,  in  which  case  she  will 
wear  her  hat  and  gloves. 

At  her  second  marriage  a  lady  wears  pearl  gray  or  lavender, 
not  white,  and  is  very  unostentatiously  dressed. 

Should  a  bride  happen  to  be  in  mourning  for  a  near  relative 
she  lays  it  aside  during  the  wedding  ceremony,  as  black  is 
never  worn  at  a  wedding. 

THE  BRIDEGROOM'S  GIFT  TO  THE  BRIDE 
The  bridegroom's  present  to  the  bride  may  take  any  form 
which  his  purse  justifies.  It  may  be  a  piece  of  jewelry;  it 
may  be  a  house  and  lot;  it  may  be  anything  she  has  longed 
for  and  will  prize.  She  is  giving  him  herself,  and  is  not 
supposed  to  supplement  this  extreme  gift  with  any  other. 

THE  WEDDING  JOURNEY 

Whither  the  happy  pair  go  on  their  wedding  journey  is  their 
own  secret,  and  they  do  not  publish  it  abroad.  The  bride's 
parents  are  probably  informed,  but  they  are  not  supposed  to 
mention  any  particulars.  In  these  days  brides  frequently  spend 


126  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  honeymoon  in  a  quiet  country  house,  or  a  sequestered  inn, 
away  from  the  glare  and  din  of  a  very  public  hostelry.  If, 
however,  the  future  of  the  couple  does  not  point  to  many  out- 
ings, they  may  seize  this  auspicious  moment  to  see  Niagara 
or  Washington,  or  some  other  place  about  which  they  have 
centered  their  desires. 

THE  HOME-COMING 

Sweetest  hour  of  all  is  that  when  the  bride  comes  home. 
Her  hand  it  is  that  shall  kindle  the  sacred  fire  on  the  hearth.: 
her  tact  and  kindness  that  shall  make  the  humblest  rooftree 
holy,  and  fill  an  earthly  resting  place  with  heaven's  joy. 

To  be  perfect,  the  home-coming  must  be  to  a  house,  apart- 
ment, or  shelter  sacred  to  the  two.  When  relatives  of  either 
wife  or  husband  are  included  in  the  first  home  difficulties  are 
likely  to  accumulate.  Kinsfolk  by  marriage  are  seldom  other 
than  critical.  The  first  year,  during  which  husband  and  wife 
learn  more  of  one  another  than  they  knew  during  courtship, 
should  be  a  year  of  solitude,  so  far  as  outsiders  in  the  home 
are  concerned.  Should  it  be  an  absolute  necessity  to  live  with 
a  mother-in-law  or  a  father-in-law,  or  to  have  either  live  in  the 
new  home  during  the  first  twelvemonth,  patience,  gentleness, 
and  grace  will  be  imperative  in  everybody. 

SHALL  THE  BRIDE  SAY  "OBEY"? 

The  venerable  and  beautiful  word  which  pledges  the  wife 
to  obey  her  lord  is  often  omitted  from  or  modified  in  the  mod- 
ern marriage  form,  as  the  twentieth  century  woman  has  a 
rooted  objection  to  making  a  promise  of  obedience.  In  reality 
the  word  is  dignified  and  implies  no  service,  or  lowering  of 
feminine  self-respect.  Few  wives  ever  obey,  and  few  husbands 
dream  of  exacting  obedience,  yet  there  is  mutual  and  tender 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  127 

concession  where  there  is  true  love,  and  the  stronger  and  wiser 
of  the  two  must  always  in  a  mooted  question  have  the  casting 
vote. 

Suppose  we  read  what  John  Ruskin  in  a  famous  passage  in 
"Queens'  Gardens"  has  to  say  about  this : 

EACH  SEX  THE  COMPLEMENT  OF  THE  OTHER 
"We  are  foolish,  and  without  excuse  foolish,  in  speaking 
of  the  'superiority'  of  one  sex  to  the  other,  as  if  they  could  be 
compared  in  similar  things.  Each  has  what  the  other  has  not ; 
each  completes  the  other,  and  is  completed  by  the  other:  they 
are  nothing  alike,  and  the  happiness  and  perfection  of  both 
depends  on  each  asking  and  receiving  from  the  other  what  the 
other  only  can  give. 

"Now  their  separate  characters  are  briefly  these.  The  man's 
power  is  active,  progressive,  defensive.  He  is  eminently  the 
doer,  the  creator,  the  discoverer,  the  defender.  His  intellect 
is  for  speculation  and  invention ;  his  energy  for  adventure,  for 
war,  and  for  conquest,  wherever  war  is  just,  wherever  con- 
quest is  necessary.  But  the  woman's  power  is  for  rule,  not 
for  battle;  and  her  intellect  is  not  for  invention  or  creation, 
but  for  sweet  ordering,  arrangement,  and  decision.  She  sees 
the  qualities  of  things,  their  claims  and  their  places.  Her  great 
function  is  Praise — she  enters  into  no  contest,  but  infallibly 
judges  the  crown  of  contest.  By  her  office,  and  place,  she  is 
protected  from  all  danger  and  temptation.  The  man,  in  his 
rough  work  in  open  world,  must  encounter  all  peril  and  trial  ; 
to  him,  therefore,  the  failure,  the  offense,  the  inevitable  error : 
often  he  must  be  wounded,  or  subdued,  often  misled,  and 
always  hardened.  But  he  guards  the  woman  from  all  this; 
within  his  house,  as  ruled  by  her,  unless  she  herself  has  sought 
it,  need  enter  no  danger,  no  temptation,  no  cause  of  error  or 


128  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

offense.  This  is  the  true  nature  of  home — it  is  the  place  of 
Peace;  the  shelter,  not  only  from  all  injury,  but  from  all  ter- 
ror, doubt,  and  division.  In  so  far  as  it  is  not  this,  it  is  not 
home;  so  far  as  the  anxieties  of  the  outer  life  penetrate  into 
it,  and  the  inconsistently  minded,  unknown,  unloved,  or  hostile 
society  of  the  outer  world  is  allowed  by  either  husband  or 
wife  to  cross  the  threshold,  it  ceases  to  be  home;  it  is  then 
only  a  part  of  the  outer  world  which  you  have  roofed  over, 
and  lighted  fire  in. 

"But  so  far  as  it  is  a  sacred  place,  a  vestal  temple,  a  temple 
of  the  hearth  watched  over  by  Household  Gods,  before  whose 
faces  none  may  come  out  but  those  whom  they  can  receive  with 
love, — so  far  as  it  is  this,  and  roof  and  fire  are  types  only  of 
a  nobler  shade  and  light — shade  as  of  the  rock  in  a  weary 
land,  and  light  as  of  the  Pharos  in  the  stormy  sea;  so  far  it 
vindicates  the  name,  and  fulfills  the  praise,  of  home. 

"And  wherever  a  true  wife  comes  this  home  is  always 
round  her.  The  stars  only  may  be  over  her  head;  the  glow- 
worm in  the  night-cold  grass  may  be  the  only  fire  at  her  foot : 
but  home  is  yet  wherever  she  is;  and  for  a  noble  woman  it 
stretches  far  around  her,  better  than  ceiled  with  cedar,  or 
painted  with  vermilion,  shedding  its  quiet  light  far,  for  those 
who  else  were  homeless. 

"This,  then,  I  believe  to  be — will  you  not  admit  it  to  be? — 
the  woman's  true  place  and  power.  But  do  you  not  see  that  to 
fulfill  this  she  must — as  far  as  one  can  use  such  terms  of  a 
human  creature — be  incapable  of  error?  So  far  as  she  rules, 
all  must  be  right,  or  nothing  is.  She  must  be  enduringly,  in- 
corruptibly  good;  instinctively,  infallibly  wise — wise,  not  for 
self -development,  but  for  self-renunciation ;  wise,  not  that  she 
may  set  herself  above  her  husband,  but  that  she  may  never  fail 
from  his  side:  wise,  not  with  the  narrowness  of  insolent  and 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  129 

loveless  pride,  but  with  the  passionate  gentleness  of  an  in- 
finitely variable,  because  infinitely  applicable,  modesty  of  serv- 
ice— the  true  changefulness  of  woman.  In  that  great  sense 
— 'La  donna  e  mobile,'  not  'Qual  pium'  al  vento;'  no,  nor  yet 
'Variable  as  the  shade,  by  the  light  quivering  aspen  made;' 
but  variable  as  the  light,  manifold  in  fair  and  serene  division, 
that  it  may  take  the  color  of  all  that  it  falls  upon,  and  exalt  it. 

"I  have  been  trying,  thus  far,  to  show  you  what  should  be 
the  place,  and  what  the  power  of  woman.  Now.  secondly, 
we  ask,  What  kind  of  education  is  to  fit  her  for  these? 

"And  if  you  indeed  think  this  a  true  conception  of  her  office 
and  dignity,  it  will  not  be  difficult  to  trace  the  course  of  educa- 
tion which  would  fit  her  for  the  one,  and  raise  her  to  the  other. 

"The  first  of  our  duties  to  her — no  thoughtful  persons  now 
doubt  this — is  to  secure  for  her  such  physical  training  and 
exercise  as  may  confirm  her  health,  and  perfect  her  beauty, 
the  highest  refinement  of  that  beauty  being  unattainable  with- 
out splendor  of  activity  and  of  delicate  strength.  To  perfect 
her  beauty,  I  say,  and  increase  its  power;  it  cannot  be  too 
powerful,  nor  shed  its  sacred  light  too  far:  only  remember 
that  all  physical  freedom  is  vain  to  produce  beauty  without  a 
corresponding  freedom  of  heart.  There  are  two  passages  of 
that  poet  who  is  distinguished,  it  seems  to  me,  from  all  others 
— not  by  power,  but  by  exquisite  Tightness — which  point  you 
to  the  source,  and  describe  to  you,  in  a  few  syllables,  the  com- 
pletion of  womanly  beauty.  I  will  read  the  introductory  stan- 
zas, but  the  last  is  the  one  I  wish  you  specially  to  notice: 

"Three  years  she  grew  in  sun  and  shower, 
Then  Nature  said,  'A  lovelier  flower 

On  earth  was  never  sown. 
This  child  I  to  myself  will  take; 
She  shall  be  mine,  and  I  will  make 

A  lady  of  my  own. 


13°  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"  'Myself  will  to  my  darling  be 
Both  law  and  impulse  ;  and  with  me 

The  girl,  in  rock  and  plain, 
In  earth  and  heaven,  in  glade  and  bower, 
Shall  feel  an  overseeing  power 

To  kindle,  or  restrain. 

"  'The  floating  clouds  their  state  shall  lend 
To  her,  for  her  the  willow  bend  ; 

Nor  shall  she  fail  to  see, 
Even  in  the  motions  of  the  storm, 
Grace  that  shall  mold  the  maiden's  form 

By  silent  sympathy. 

"  'And  vital  feelings  of  delight 

Shall  rear  her  form  to  stately  height,  — 

Her  virgin  bosom  swell. 
Such  thoughts  to  Lucy  I  will  give, 
While  she  and  I  together  live, 

Here  in  this  happy  dell.'  " 

WEDDING  PRESENTS 

All  gifts  sent  by  friends  are  acknowledged  by  the  bride 
herself  before  the  wedding  day,  if  there  be  time,  so  that  the 
very  last  letters  a  girl  writes  and  signs  with  her  maiden  name 
are  these  pretty  notes  of  thanks.  They  should  read  as  follows, 
if  one  desires  a  form,  though  any  expression  that  comes  straight 
from  the  heart  will  be  correct  : 


JfUU  Sale,  aoffttct  10,  100-. 
tear  jBettte  : 


|)oto  toerp  feina  pott  arc  to  remember  mp  toeaoitiff,  mi* 
alft  to  mp  happiness,  bp  sending  me  so  lotoclp  a  gift  as  tins 
tohicl)  3T  Iwbe  jttst  recetoefc  from  pott.  *§t  is  met  toljat  3T 
toantett,  antt  totll  help  to  atjorn  mp  neto  home,  iirlr.  JJear- 
6on  joins  me  in  sending  tljanfes  for  pottr  goo&ness. 
&ffectionatelp  poors, 

^Htriara  barker. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  131 

Mrs.  Sherwood  says  very  truly  that  "the  custom  of  giving 
bridal  presents  has  grown  into  an  outrageous  abuse  of  a  good 
thing."  This  is  verified  wherever  people  send  presents  be- 
cause they  feel  obliged  to  fulfill  expectations,  and  when  there 
is  no  love  in  the  gift.  Cut  glass,  silver,  jewelry,  furniture, 
bric-a-brac,  clocks,  lamps,  vases,  and  rugs  are  appropriate 
wedding  gifts,  as  are  books  and  pictures.  But  when  people 
send  them  grudgingly  or  of  necessity  they  lose  their  value. 

One  bride  whom  I  knew  in  a  spirit  of  complete  indifference 
sent  with  her  wedding  invitations  this  formula  engraved  in  a 
separate  card:  Positively  no  wedding  presents  accepted.  An- 
other, of  a  different  turn  of  mind,  sent  her  invitations  far  and 
near,  scattering  them  like  grains  of  sand  blown  before  the 
wind.  Finally  an  acquaintance  ventured  to  inquire: 

"Why  do  you  send  invitations  to  folk  you  scarcely  know  ?" 

"O,"  was  the  unblushing  reply,  "I  am  after  the  spoils.  Joe 
and  I  want  heaps  of  wedding  presents !" 

Mary  Wilkins  in  an  amusing  story  has  told  us  about  a 
sensible  New  England  woman  who  went  the  round  of  her  ac- 
quaintances and  returned  the  several  very  unsuitable  presents 
that  had  been  bestowed  on  her  youthful  niece,  asking  the  givers 
to  substitute  something  worth  while,  that  the  recipient  could 
use.  There  is  a  suggestion  here  that  is  pertinent.  Why  bur- 
den a  bride  with  things  she  cannot  use,  when  you  may  add  to 
her  pleasure  by  giving  her  things  she  can  enjoy? 

Money  in  the  form  of  a  gold  piece  or  a  check  is  a  gift  an 
old  friend  or  a  kinsman  may  give  a  bride  without  the  slightest 
hesitation.  She  may  expend  it  for  any  article  she  covets. 

It  is  better  not  to  have  silver  marked,  as  a  bride  may  have 
duplicates  and  prefer  to  exchange  some  of  the  set  pieces  sent 
her  for  others.  She  may  have  a  preference  also  as  to  the  style 
in  which  her  silver  is  engraved. 


132 

WEDDING  CARDS 

As  the  shape  and  mode  of  wedding  cards  varies  from  season 
to  season,  the  order  for  them  should  be  sent  to  a  stationer 
whose  reputation  is  well  established.  They  should  always  be 
white,  unglazed,  and  of  a  medium  thickness.  The  note  paper 
on  which  wedding  invitations  are  engraved  must  be  white  and 
of  the  best  quality.  When  sent  by  mail,  cards  and  invitations 
are  inclosed  in  an  inner  and  an  outer  envelope. 

A  COUNTRY  WEDDING 

Nothing  is  prettier  in  the  country  than  a  wedding  in  the 
garden,  on  the  lawn,  or  in  the  orchard.  The  grass  should  be 
shorn,  and  swept  free  from  leaves  and  debris.  Rugs  should 
be  spread  here  and  there.  Little  tables  for  refreshments  may 
stand  about,  and  chairs  be  placed  in  groups.  A  wedding  in  a 
country  church,  to  which  the  wedding  guests  and  the  principal 
participants  walk,  is  always  very  attractive.  Of  course,  an 
outdoor  wedding  can  be  arranged  only  for  warm  weather. 

A  HOME  WEDDING 

To  a  home  wedding  the  parents  of  the  bride  send  out  their 
invitations  two  weeks  before  the  event,  in  this  manner: 

.  anU  ffive,  jFrefcerkfc  (Ebana 

request  tbr  fjanor  of 

'&  presence 


at  tbf  marriage  of  tbrir  Hans  liter 
f)elen  (Srace 

to 

Robert  jF  alloto«, 
on 
p,  8ttffttst  tjnrU,  at  four  o'clock, 

at 
Summers  Street* 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  133 

Sometimes  the  invitations  read,  "request  the  honor  of  your 
presence,"  but  at  the  moment  the  individual  touch  is  given 
by  leaving  a  blank  in  the  engraved  form  in  which  the  names  of 
the  invited  guests  are  inserted  in  writing. 

Good  manners  invariably  demand  an  immediate  reply  when 
one  is  invited  to  a  home  wedding.  Accept  or  decline  at  once, 
by  letter,  addressed  to  the  persons  ivho  invite  you.  If,  how- 
ever, the  invitation  is  to  a  church  wedding  and  a  large  subse- 
quent reception  one's  visiting  card,  sent  on  the  day  itself,  is 
a  sufficient  acknowledgment  if  one  cannot  attend. 

As  nobody  wants  a  mob  of  strangers  at  her  wedding,  the 
invitation  to  a  church  wedding  is  accompanied  by  a  small 
card,  on  which  is  printed,  "Please  present  this  card  at  the 
church  on  August  third,"  or  whatever  be  the  date. 

Announcements  are  sent  out  after  a  wedding  by  the  parents 
of  the  bride,  and  from  this  notification  no  one  who  has  even 
the  slightest  acquaintance  with  the  families  of  bride  or  groom 
is  excluded.  Here  is  the  usual  wedding  announcement  : 

$lr.  anU  ^Hrs.  Cljeofcore  <S5reen 
&abc  tlje  bonor  of  annottncinjj  to 

^Hr.  anti  ^Hrsf.  3Tofm  iSarr 
fyt  marriage  of  tljeir  iaujrljter 


to 
Captain  William  Leslie. 

The  fee  is  handed  the  clergyman  by  the  best  man,  or  by 
some  friend  of  the  bridegroom,  at  a  convenient  moment  just 
before  or  just  after  the  ceremony.  It  must  be  given  very  un- 
ostentatiously, and  the  minister  does  not  examine  it,  but  merely 
says  "Thank  you"  and  pockets  the  envelope.  In  passing,  I 
may  say  that  the  fee  should  be  inclosed  in  an  envelope  and 
should  be  either  a  gold  piece,  a  check,  or  a  new  bill.  Any  sum 


134  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

that  the  groom  can  afford — from  five  dollars  to  a  hundred — 
is  given  on  this  occasion.  Often  when  people  are  poor  the  fee 
is  less  than  five  dollars.  The  minister  is  not  supposed,  if  a 
married  man,  to  keep  the  fee  himself,  as  it  is  his  wife's  per- 
quisite and  is  gallantly  handed  over  to  her. 

Should  there  be  two  officiating  clergymen  a  fee  must  be 
given  to  each. 

Ministers  do  not  accept  fees  when  marrying  brother 
ministers. 

Many  amusing  anecdotes  are  told  by  ministers  about  their 
fees,  some  of  which  are  amusingly  small.  At  a  wedding  which 
occurred  at  the  house  of  a  minister  in  New  York  State  the 
bridegroom  slipped  an  envelope  into  the  good  man's  hand  as 
he  left  the  house.  On  being  opened  it  was  found  to  contain 
a  tailor's  card,  and  on  the  reverse  was  written  a  promise  to 
this  effect:  "I  will  clean  and  press  your  clothes  for  one  year 
from  date,  without  charge." 

A  bridegroom  slipped  a  bright  silver  dollar  into  a  clergy- 
man's hand,  with  the  remark,  "It's  all  I  can  afford.  I  wish  it 
were  ten." 

A  well-known  clergyman  once  united  a  pair  at  a  very  ele- 
gant home,  where  everything,  inclusive  of  music,  supper,  and 
decorations,  was  on  a  lavish  scale.  But  no  fee  was  forthcom- 
ing and  none  was  ever  received.  Delicacy  forbade  his  men- 
tioning the  important  omission  except  in  the  bosom  of  his 
family. 

When  a  few  days  later  a  couple  came  modestly  to  the  manse 
to  be  married,  what  was  the  good  minister's  horror,  in  the  very 
middle  of  the  ceremony,  to  hear  the  voice  of  the  enfant  terrible 
of  the  home,  whose  sharp  little  face  was  suddenly  thrust  be- 
tween the  folds  of  the  portieres.  "Papa!"  she  cried,  "Papa! 
Be  sure  they  pay  before  they  go!" 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  135 

THE  MARRIAGE  LICENSE 

In  different  localities  the  usage  concerning  the  marriage 
license  varies.  The  bridegroom  must  inform  himself  on  this 
point  and  duly  procure  the  license. 

AS  TO  THE  MARRIAGE  CERTIFICATE 

The  chief  reason  for  prizing  a  marriage  certificate  is  that  in 
the  future  disposition  of  property,  the  probate  of  wills,  etc.,  it 
is  sometimes  convenient  to  have  it  as  evidence  of  a  marriage. 
It  should  be  signed  by  the  officiating  clergyman  and  by  several 
witnesses. 

THE  TWO  MOTHERS 

At  any  wedding  there  are  probably  two  persons  present  who 
do  not  monopolize  attention,  yet  to  whom  the  event  is  most 
pathetic,  pulling  at  their  heart-strings.  One  is  the  mother 
of  the  bride ;  the  other  is  the  mother  of  the  bridegroom.  Each 
is  relinquishing  something  intensely  dear  to  her.  Each  is, 
in  a  way,  entering  on  a  life  of  new  deprivation. 

The  mother  whose  son  is  receiving  the  highest  prize  life  can 
offer,  be  she  ever  so  generous,  feels  a  little  bereft.  She  will 
not  again  possess  her  son  as  a  member  of  her  family,  in  just 
the  fullness  that  has  hitherto  been  hers.  She  is  not  jealous,  yet 
she  is  wistful,  wondering  whether  her  boy  will  be  understood 
and  cared  for  and  happy  as  he  has  been  under  her  care. 

As  for  the  bride's  mother,  her  feelings  are  strangely  com- 
pounded by  bitterness  and  sweetness.  She  cannot  be  alto- 
gether at  ease  in  her  mind.  This  dear  child  has  been  to  her 
another  self.  When  the  carriage  rolls  away,  and  the  wedding 
festivities  are  over,  the  bride's  mother  may  be  pardoned  if 
she  wanders  away  to  Mary's  old  room,  and,  kneeling  down 
by  Mary's  bed,  pours  out  her  soul  in  a  flood  of  tears.  The 


136  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

first  evening  after  the  wedding  is  a  saddened  one  in  the  home 
the  bride  leaves. 

A  CHURCH  WEDDING 

At  a  church  wedding  a  certain  number  of  pews  are  set 
apart  and  fenced  in  by  a  band  of  white  ribbon  for  the  family 
and  most  intimate  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom.  As  these 
arrive  the  ushers,  who  are  at  the  church  in  good  season,  con- 
duct them  to  the  places  reserved,  the  kindred  of  the  bride  on 
one  side  of  the  aisle,  and  of  the  groom  on  the  other. 

Just  before  the  bridal  party  arrives  the  mother  of  the  bride 
appears  and  is  escorted  to  a  front  pew. 

The  best  man,  the  bridegroom,  and  the  clergyman  are  in 
the  front  of  the  church  under  the.  pulpit,  awaiting  the  bride. 

Up  in  the  organ  loft  the  wedding  march  begins. 

Enters  the  maid  or  matron  of  honor,  walking  alone.  If 
there  are  both  they  will  walk  together.  Then  come  the  flower- 
girls,  walking  two  by  two,  scattering  flowers  from  baskets  on 
their  arms.  They  may  or  may  not  wear  picture  hats,  and  may 
or  may  not  be  dressed  in  pale  pink,  or  blue,  yellow,  or  rose- 
color.  Follow  the  bridesmaids,  also  two  by  two.  Last  comes 
the  bride,  with  head  bent  and  eyes  downcast,  her  hand  on  the 
arm  of  her  father. 

The  bridegroom  advances  to  meet  the  bride,  who  places 
her  hand  in  his,  and  the  ceremony  proceeds.  At  its  close  the 
order  of  movement  is  reversed,  and  bride  and  groom  pass  out 
first.  Both  look  up  now  and  meet  the  eyes  of  their  rejoicing 
friends  with  happy  smiles. 

It  is  not  good  form  to  congratulate  the  bride,  but  every 
one  congratulates  the  groom,  and  gives  the  bride  best  wishes. 

Weddings  may  be  as  public  or  as  private,  as  elaborate  or  as 
simple,  as  the  wedded  ones  may  choose,  but  they  should  never 
be  clandestine.  A  bride  should  go  honorably  from  her  father's 


THE   WEDDING  BREAKFAST 


GOOD  MANNERS  AND  MARRIAGE  137 

house  to  that  of  her  husband,  and  very  soon  after  a  wedding 
some  announcement  of  the  fact  should  be  given  to  the  world. 

A  LIST  OF  WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES 

One  year,  a  cotton  wedding. 

Two  years,  a  paper  wedding. 

Three  years,  a  leather  wedding. 

Five  years,  a  wooden  wedding. 

Seven  years,  a  woolen  wedding. 

Ten  years,  a  tin  wedding. 

Twelve  years,  a  china  wedding. 

Fifteen  years,  a  crystal  wedding. 

Twenty  years,  a  linen  wedding. 

Twenty-five  years,  a  silver  wedding. 

Fifty  years,  a  golden  wedding. 

Sixty  years,  a  diamond  wedding. 

Each  anniversary  of  a  wedding  should  be  a  family  fete, 
and  presents  and  good  wishes  are  in  order.  Few  brides  and 
grooms  survive  the  changes  of  sixty  years,  but  many  are 
spared  to  keep  a  golden  wedding  day. 


VIII 
GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY 

SWEET  friend,  when  thou  and  I  are  gone 

Beyond  earth's  weary  labor, 
When  small  shall  be  our  need  of  grace 

From  comrade  or  from  neighbor; 
Past  all  the  strife,  the  toil,  the  care, 

And  done  with  all  the  sighing, 
What  tender  ruth  shall  we  have  gained, 

Alas !  by  simply  dying  ? 

Then  lips  too  chary  of  their  praise 

Will  tell  our  merits  over, 
And  eyes  too  swift  our  faults  to  see 

Shall  no  defect  discover. 
Then  hands  that  would  not  lift  a  stone 

Where  stones  were  thick  to  cumber 
Our  steep  hill  path,  will  scatter  flowers 

Above  our  pillowed  slumber. 

Sweet  friend,  perchance  both  thou  and  I, 

Ere  Love  is  past  forgiving, 
Should  take  the  earnest  lesson  home — 

Be  patient  with  the  living. 
To-day's  repressed  rebuke  may  save 

Our  blinding  tears  to-morrow; 
Then  patience,  e'en  when  keenest  edge 

May  whet  a  nameless  sorrow ! 

'Tis  easy  to  be  gentle  when 
Death's  silence  sh&rnes  our  clamor, 

And  easy  to  discern  the  best 
Through  memory's  mystic  glamour; 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  139 

But  wise  it  were  for  thee  and  me, 

Ere  Love  is  past  forgiving, 
To  take  the  tender  lesson  home — 

Be  patient  with  the  living. 

The  chief  peril  that  menaces  manners  in  the  family  lurks 
in  the  sort  of  familiarity  that  prevails  there.  We  know  one 
another  so  thoroughly  and  are  so  very  sure  of  one  another's 
love  and  good  will  that  we  do  not  have  formality  enough. 
We  are  apt  to  trample  on  the  feelings  of  the  family  by  too 
great  candor.  Every  defect  is  noticed.  Every  blunder  is 
observed.  Every  passing  mood  is  taken  in  earnest.  There 
are  people  who  are  lovely  to  visiting  acquaintances  and  per- 
fectly abominable  with  their  own  kindred. 

Then,  homes  are  often  deadly  dull,  insipid  to  weariness. 
They  are  deserts  of  monotony.  A  little  fun  is  the  very  best 
preventive  against  bad  manners  that  can  be  imagined.  Why 
not  have  games  in  the  evening  or  music?  In  some  houses, 
the  father  dozes  on  the  lounge  all  the  evening.  The  boys  skip 
out  of  the  house  the  moment  supper  is  over.  You  see  no 
more  of  them  till  a  late  bedtime.  By  and  by  they  form  unde- 
sirable associations — get  into  bad  company,  start  on  the  down- 
hill road.  It  is  not  too  much  to  say  that  fun  at  home  would 
have  saved  many  a  lad  from  ruin.  As  for  the  girls,  they  can- 
not so  easily  drift  outdoors,  but  they  do  not  find  home  the 
sweetest  place  on  earth. 

SOME  PLEASANT  GAMES 

Here  are  two  or  three  easy  games  that  may  enliven  a  dull 
evening  at  home: 

THE  TRAVELER'S  TOUR 

"The  traveler's  tour  is  interesting.  One  of  the  party  an- 
nounces himself  as  the  traveler.  He  is  given  an  empty  bag, 


140  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

and  counters,  with  numbers  on,  are  distributed  among  the 
players.  Thus,  if  twelve  persons  are  playing  the  numbers 
must  count  up  to  twelve — a  set  of  ones  to  be  given  to  one, 
twos  to  two,  and  so  on.  Then  the  traveler  asks  for  informa- 
tion about  the  place  to  which  he  is  going.  The  first  person 
gives  it  if  he  can ;  if  not,  the  second,  and  so  on.  If  the  trav- 
eler considers  it  correct  information  or  worthy  of  notice  he 
takes  from  the  person  one  of  his  counters  as  a  pledge  of  the 
obligation  he  is  under  to  him.  The  next  person  in  order  takes 
up  the  next  question,  and  so  on.  After  the  traveler  reaches 
his  destination  he  empties  his  bag  and  sees  to  whom  he  has 
been  indebted  for  the  greatest  amount  of  information.  He 
then  makes  him  the  next  traveler.  Of  course,  this  opens  the 
door  for  all  sorts  of  witty  rejoinders,  according  as  the  players 
wish  to  exaggerate  the  claims  of  certain  hotels,  and  to  invent 
hits  at  certain  watering  places." 

The  rhyming  game  is  amusing: 

"I  have  a  word  that  rhymes  with  game." 

Interlocutor. — "Is  it  something  statesmen  crave?" 

Speaker. — "No,  it  is  not  fame." 

Interlocutor. — "Is  it  something  that  goes  halt?" 

Speaker. — "No,  it  is  not  lame." 

Interlocutor. — "Is  it  something  tigers  need  ?" 

Speaker. — "No,  it  is  not  tame." 

Interlocutor. — "Is  it  something  we  all  would  like?" 

Speaker. — "No,  it  is  not  a  good  name." 

Interlocutor. — "Is  it  to  shoot  at  duck?" 

Speaker. — "Yes,  and  that  duck  to  maim." 

Such  words  as  "nut,"  "thing,"  "fall,"  etc.,  which  rhyme 
easily  are  good  choices.  The  two  who  play  it  must  be  quick- 
witted. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  141 

CRAMBO 

"The  game  of  Crambo,  in  which  each  player  has  to  write  a 
noun  on  one  piece  of  paper,  and  a  question  on  another,  is 
curious.  As,  for  instance,  the  drawer  gets  the  word  "Africa" 
and  the  question  "Have  you  an  invitation  to  my  wedding?" 
He  must  write  a  poem  in  which  he  answers  the  question  and 
brings  in  the  other  word." 

CONVERSATION  IN  THE  FAMILY 

People  are  always  wishing  that  they  knew  how  to  converse 
well.  There  is  only  one  good  school  on  earth  for  the  art  of 
conversation,  and  that  school  is  the  family. 

A  good  listener  is  a  perfect  boon,  and  sure  to  be  appre- 
ciated. Nobody  is  more  dreaded  than  the  person  of  either 
sex  who  is  known  as  a  "great  talker."  The  voice  flowing  on 
and  on  and  on,  like  the  brook  that  dashes  and  foams  forever 
over  the  stones,  the  tendency  to  take  the  floor  and  hold  it, 
the  ability  to  say  clever  things,  which  leads  one  into  many  a 
pitfall,  are  less  to  be  desired  than  deprecated. 

Sydney  Smith,  Macaulay,  and  other  famous  talkers  of  their 
day  excelled  in  monologue,  and  people  were  thankful  when 
even  these  gifted  and  brilliant  ones  had  "flashes  of  silence." 
It  is  well  to  be  a  good  talker,  but  also  it  is  well  to  be  a 
good  listener,  and  to  listen  one  must  look,  one  must  pay 
attention. 

Always  look  straight  at  the  person  who  is  addressing  you. 

Do  not  allow  your  mind  to  wander.  Consider  what  is  being 
said. 

Never  supply  a  word.  Wait  patiently  until  the  person  fin»i>> 
the  needed  word. 

Never  tell  another  person's  story. 

Never  repeat  the  clever  things  you  said  yesterday. 


142  GOOD  .MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Never  make  long  and  involved  explanations  and  apologies. 
Nobody  is  interested  in  these. 

Never,  in  any  circumstances,  venture  to  correct  a  person 
in  the  family  who,  in  describing  a  situation,  or  telling  a  story, 
makes  a  slight  mistake.  Whether  Uncle  Benjamin  or  Aunt 
Sophia  came  home  on  Wednesday  or  on  Thursday  matters 
little.  What  does  matter  is  that  the  lady  who  is  announcing 
the  fact  that  they  are  at  home  shall  not  be  mortified  by  an 
unseemly  interruption. 

Never  use  slang. 

Never  drop  into  such  expressions  as  Heavens!  Mercy! 
Gracious!  Goodness!  My  Lord!  Law  me!  These  border  on 
profanity. 

Never  say  darn;  it  is  a  corruption  of  damn. 

Never  mention  anything  that  is  disagreeable  or  that  may 
wound  another.  Respect  the  innocent  vanities  of  the  man  of 
the  house,  the  little  whims  and  caprices  of  the  mistress. 

Never  show  that  you  have  heard  a  story  before.  Stories 
are  as  old  as  the  Garden  of  Eden.  In  one  or  another  form 
they  have  all  been  told.  Listen,  smile,  enjoy  even  a  thrice-told 
tale,  and  do  not  ruin  the  narrator's  pleasure  by  showing  that 
it  is  not  new  to  you. 

Never  tell  a  story  that  is  inappropriate;  a  story  dragged  in 
where  there  is  no  fitness  for  it  is  like  a  knot  of  ribbon  pinned 
anywhere  on  a  gown. 

Never  tell  a  story  at  all  unless  you  know  that  you  will  not 
miss  the  point.  Good  stories  are  spoiled  when  told  by  people 
destitute  of  a  sense  of  proportion  or  of  humor. 

It  goes  without  saying  that  people  should  sink  the  shop, 
that  is,  not  talk  of  their  business  or  profession  in  public. 
Yet  any  careful  observer  must  have  noticed  that  as  it  is  with 
morals,  so  it  is  with  manners:  we  may  know  perfectly  well 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  143 

that  to  do  such  and  such  a  thing  is  a  breach  of  the  social  code, 
but  if  we  wish  to  very  much  we  are  very  apt  to  do  it. 

A  young  surgeon  very  much  disgusted  some  ladies  of  his 
acquaintance  by  his  bloodthirsty  (as  it  seemed  to  them)  en- 
comiums on  surgery.  "The  knife,  the  knife  is  the  only  thing!" 
he  vehemently  exclaimed,  yet  the  young  gentleman  was  well- 
taught,  well-bred,  and  usually  very  polite. 

The  most  glaring  fault  in  conversation  is  the  bringing  in 
of  personal  allusions  and  sneering  remarks  on  every  occasion. 
This  is  always  a  sign  of  ill  breeding.  To  caricature  the  small 
peculiarities  of  anyone,  to  make  anyone  uncomfortably  con- 
spicuous, is  unpardonable. 

Conversation  should  be  so  managed  that  no  one  is  left  out, 
so  to  speak,  in  the  cold.  We  do  not  like  to  sit  in  a  circle 
where  we  are  made  to  feel  ourselves  strangers,  and  in  the 
family  everyone,  parents,  children,  and  guests,  have  a  right 
to  know  what  the  talk  is  about. 

"You  may  have  noticed,"  said  a  lady,  "that  I  am  very  silent 
in  my  own  home.  It  is  because  Amy  and  Ida  ever  since  they 
came  home  from  college  have  been  so  critical  that  I  am  afraid 
to  open  my  mouth." 

It  is  not  pleasant  for  a  mother  to  know  that  her  children 
are  sitting  in  judgment  upon  her. 

This  leads  to  the  reflection  that  it  is  not  according  to  good 
manners  for  children  to  reprove  parents. 

OTHER  LITTLE  POINTS  OF  FAMILY  MANNERS 
Never  take  another  person's  chair  without  relinquishing  it 

on  the  person's  return. 

A  lady  should  not  cross  the  legs  in  company. 

A  gentleman  does  not  fidget  or  sit  crosswise  on  his  chair, 

or  sit  with  the  legs  far  apart. 


144  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

When  you  do  not  hear  a  remark  say,  "I  beg  pardon?" 
never  "What?"  The  latter  word  is  the  limit  of  rudeness. 

Do  not  whisper  in  company. 

Do  not  open  letters  in  company  unless  you  first  ask  permis- 
sion to  do  so. 

To  attract  attention  do  not  take  hold  of  people;  speak  to 
them. 

Do  not  use  your  handkerchief  at  the  table. 

Be  sure  to  rise  when  an  older  person  enters  the  room. 

Take  great  pains  to  include  deaf  persons  in  what  is  going 
on.  They  are  usually  sensitive  and  sometimes  morbid,  and 
it  hurts  them  not  to  be  in  touch  with  the  conversation. 

Never  shout  at  a  deaf  person.  Speak  distinctly  and  slowly, 
and  seat  yourself  near  him  or  her. 

Never  be  ungracious.  You  do  not  know  how  heavy  a  bur- 
den your  friend  is  bearing.  The  heart  knoweth  its  own 
bitterness. 

Receive  every  attention,  however  small,  with  real  gratitude 
which  is  warmly  expressed. 

Not  long  ago  a  minister  called  the  attention  of  his  hearers 
to  the  warm  and  loving  appreciation  of  our  Lord  when  Mary 
broke  her  precious  vase  of  perfume  on  His  head.  He  said 
that  to  the  end  of  time  her  act  should  be  a  memorial.  Are 
we  breaking  our  alabaster  boxes  for  our  loved  ones  now,  or 
are  we  waiting  until  it  may  be  too  late  to  render  them  any 
sweet  service? 

Take  special  pains  to  be  courteous  to  the  dull,  uninteresting, 
or  uncongenial  visitor. 

Never  discriminate  between  your  friends.  Anyone  invited 
to  your  home  is  entitled  to  entire  courtesy. 

Never  repeat  an  unkind  or  malicious  story.  Think  and 
say  the  best  of  people. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  145 

Be  forgiving.    If  anyone  has  offended  you  meet  him  half- 
way when  he  expresses  regret. 
Think  before  you  speak. 
Never  absent  yourself  from  prayers  in  the  family. 

HOME-COMINGS 

Home-comings  should  be  made  festivals.  Occasionally 
when  people  have  been  away,  having  very  gay  times,  they  are 
sensible  of  flatness  and  of  a  lost  savor  when  they  return. 

If  Sally  has  been  in  town  for  some  weeks  the  first  meal  when 
she  comes  back  should  be  especially  nice,  with  something  that 
she  is  fond  of,  and  an  air  of  gala  day.  Bring  out  the  best 
china,  use  the  best  linen,  dress  the  table  with  flowers.  Coax 
father  to  wear  a  good  coat,  see  that  the  children  have  clean 
faces  and  hands;  don't  let  Sally  find  too  sharp  a  contrast 
between  home  ways  and  what  she  has  seen  when  away. 

IN  THE  INVALID'S  CHAMBER 

Sickness  in  the  family,  if  occasional,  makes  for  the  time 
serious  departures  necessary  from  the  family  customs.  Some- 
body is  very  ill.  The  doctor  makes  several  visits  a  day.  He 
looks  grave  and  concerned.  A  trained  nurse  is  sent  for.  Ty- 
phoid fever,  pneumonia,  or  some  other  fierce  and  relentless 
malady  has  a  loved  one  in  its  clutch.  Good  manners  enter 
into  our  conduct  here;  when  the  chief  matter  in  hand  is  to 
care  for  the  loved  one  the  order  of  the  day  must  be  set  aside. 
Meals  may  be  hasty  and  less  varied  than  usual.  Never  mind. 
No  one  dreams  of  finding  fault  when  a  precious  life  is  hang- 
ing in  the  balance.  Everyone  is  willing  to  make  sacrifices  if 
only  the  crisis  may  be  safely  passed,  and  the  shadow  of  death 
lifted  from  the  house. 

Good  manners  demand  that  the  comfort  of  the  nurse  be 


146  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

sedulously  looked  after.  She  must  have  her  time  for  sleep 
and  for  outdoor  exercise,  as  she  is  not  a  machine,  but  a  being 
of  flesh  and  blood.  Some  member  of  the  family  must  relieve 
her  at  intervals. 

The  nurse,  on  her  side,  is  required  to  be  tactful  and  con- 
siderate, particularly  in  the  kitchen.  The  nurse  who  gets  on 
well  with  the  help  is  a  treasure  of  womanly  discretion.  She 
is  not  to  expect  compliments  and  attentions  from  the  men  of 
the  family,  nor  is  she  to  be  unduly  affronted  if  the  mother  or 
wife,  wild  with  anxiety,  fails  to  treat  her  as  politely  as  she 
should.  The  nurse  is  a  soldier  on  duty.  She  must  obey  the 
doctor  as  the  soldier  obeys  his  captain.  Her  patient  is  her 
supreme  concern.  Never  grudge  the  money  paid  a  nurse  or 
doctor.  Pay  nurses'  and  doctors'  bills  with  great  promptness. 
They  have  earned  not  merely  money,  but  gratitude.  Yet 
physicians  are  frequently  kept  waiting  almost  indefinitely 
before  their  accounts  are  settled. 

The  doctor  is  expected  to  rise  at  any  hour  of  the  night,  and 
to  sally  forth  in  any  stress  of  weather,  if  sent  for.  The 
slightest  return  that  can  be  made  him  is  to  pay  him  without 
demur  as  soon  as  he  sends  his  bill. 

A  SHUT-IN 

When  there  is  a  chronic  invalid  in  the  household,  one  shut 
in  to  a  chamber  of  quiet  and  tortured  by  pain,  the  concentrated 
compassion  and  tenderness  of  the  family  must  meet  around 
the  afflicted  one.  Tread  lightly  past  the  door  and  on  the  floor 
above;  hush  the  voice  to  a  soft  tone  lest  it  disturb  the  dis- 
ordered nerves;  and  in  every  possible  way,  by  every  possible 
means,  smooth  the  pathway  of  the  sufferer. 

In  robust  health  we  do  not  understand  the  physical  and 
mental  weakness  of  those  who  are  ill.  Never  to  be  ill  is  too 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  147 

often  to  have  no  sympathy  with  illness.  If  we  have  under 
the  roof  a  dear  one  who  needs  continual  ministry,  let  us  give 
thanks  that  thus  the  gentler  amenities  of  the  home  are  culti- 
vated ;  that  thus  we  may  display  the  unselfishness  of  the  Chris- 
tian in  our  daily  walk  and  conversation. 

IF  THE  HIRED  HELP  ARE  ILL 

I  have  always  held  that  the  family  is  a  whole,  and  that 
anyone  employed  therein  does  not  stand  on  the  mere  footing 
of  a  clerk  or  a  day  laborer,  but  belongs  in  intimate  relation  to 
the  household.  Should  Mary  the  cook  or  Jenny  the  house- 
maid be  ill,  she  ought,  if  practicable,  to  be  cared  for  in  the 
home,  with  the  attendance  of  the  family  physician,  and  with 
every  alleviation  of  her  discomfort  that  can  possibly  be 
afforded. 

In  the  old  days  of  the  South,  when  the  mistress  of  a  planta- 
tion was  as  a  mother  to  the  colored  people,  indoors  and  out, 
every  woman  had  at  hand  her  medicine  chest,  and  if  Aunt  Sue 
or  Uncle  Billy  was  ailing  remedies  were  sent  or  given  at  once, 
the  lady  of  the  manor  herself  the  presiding  genius  at  the 
bedside. 

Too  often  the  ailing  domestic  is  hurried  away  in  our  present 
routine,  and  we  are  reluctant  to  be  in  any  way  responsible 
for  her  if  illness  comes. 

GOOD  MANNERS  BETWEEN  PARLOR  AND  KITCHEN 
Only  as  friendship  exists  and  reigns  between  the  parlor  and 
the  kitchen  will  the  never-ceasing  troubles  of  the  servant 
question  cease  to  breed  disturbance.  An  utter  lack  of  mutual 
respect  and  mutual  comprehension,  the  failure  of  the  mistress 
to  be  fair,  the  failure  of  the  maid  to  be  thorough,  have  brought 
American  domestic  service  to  disgrace.  Few  nice  and  intel- 


148  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ligent  women  choose  the  kitchen  as  their  sphere  when  they 
can  find  work  anywhere  else.  Nine  women  out  of  ten  revile 
and  underrate  their  maids  of  all  work,  speaking  of  them 
slightingly.  Suspicion  on  one  side  and  dislike  on  the  other 
is  productive  of  hostility. 

If  good  manners  are  needed  anywhere  on  the  globe  they 
are  needed  here,  so  that  our  homes  may  not  be  battlegrounds, 
and  the  women  who  take  our  wages  and  eat  our  bread  may 
not  be  our  foes.  Why  should  they  not  be  as  they  ought,  our 
trusted  helpers  and  our  dear  and  intimate  friends,  standing 
beside  the  family  in  all  vicissitudes,  its  champions  through 
thick  and  thin. 

Says  Lillian  W.  Betts,  with  her  accustomed  emphasis  and 
good  sense: 

"Housekeepers  do  not  make  the  demand  for  character  that 
they  should  in  the  servants  they  employ.  The  servant  comes 
into  the  closest  relations  to  the  family.  Her  character  is  as 
important  to  the  family  well-being  as  her  skill,  yet  the  first 
question  of  the  housekeeper  employer  is  on  the  coming  serv- 
ant's— we  cannot  say  applicant's,  for  we  have  the  sad  picture 
of  the  employer  always  being  the  applicant — ability  to  do  and 
not  to  be,  which  is  by  far  the  least  important  question.  Every- 
one who  knows  how  to  run  a  house  knows  that  a  servant  who 
has  character  and  intelligence  can  be  trained,  while  the  serv- 
ant who  is  skillful  and  lacks  character  is  always  a  disturbing 
element;  there  is  constant  friction  because  of  lack  of  confi- 
dence or  untrustworthiness.  There  can  be  no  stability  in  the 
family  life  if  there  is  always  the  element  of  uncertainty  as  to 
how  long  the  relations  between  mistress  and  maid  will  con- 
tinue at  its  present  status. 

"The  employer  who  sees  only  present  conditions  when 
making  a  contract  or  business  connection  is  short-sighted, 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  149 

and  never  makes  a  success.  It  is  far  better  to  meet  emergen- 
cies by  transitory  arrangements  from  day  to  day  than  to  go 
through  the  farce  of  making  a  seemingly  permanent  arrange- 
ment when  there  is  no  solid  foundation  of  confidence  based 
on  investigation. 

"The  woman  who  employs  one  maid  of  all  work  and  then 
demands  that  she  be  a  superior  cook,  laundress,  waitress,  par- 
lor maid,  and  chambermaid  is  an  impossible  mistress  to  suit. 
The  housekeeper  who,  on  being  interviewed  in  the  character 
of  a  reference  as  to  the  abilities  of  a  maidservant  who  had 
been  in  her  employ  for  some  time  was  asked  the  question,  'Is 
she  a  first-class  waitress?'  and  responded,  'No.  She  does 
chamber  work.  You  didn't  expect  a  first-class  waitress  to  do 
chamber  work  ?'  was  the  reply  of  the  mistress  who  knew  what 
to  demand  and  what  to  expect. 

"It  is  just  this  lack  of  worldly  experience  that  is  responsible 
for  the  constant  friction  and  resulting  pain  in  domestic  serv- 
ice. Servants  are  untrained  because  of  the  varying  standards 
of  employers,  and  ignorance  of  what  are  the  duties  pertain- 
ing to  certain  domestic  positions.  The  lessons  to  be  learned 
in  order  to  adjust  the  domestic  problem  are  as  much  a  duty 
of  the  mistress  as  of  the  maid.  What  we  want  is  character 
for  both,  a  clear  comprehension  of  the  duties  of  both,  a  rec- 
ognition of  the  purely  commercial  relation  under  the  most 
complex  conditions — conditions  that  involve  intimacies  that 
are  only  second  to  those  of  relatives — interdependence  that 
is  as  close,  if  harmony  is  to  be  preserved,  as  family  life  can 
make  it.  Yet  the  bond,  in  all  but  rare  instances,  is  that  of 
dollars  and  cents.  There  are  evils  in  the  situation  that  only 
the  mistress,  by  creating  public  sentiment,  can  remedy. 

"Take  the  first  evil,  the  sleeping  room  of  the  servant.  It 
is  usually  the  hottest  and  the  coldest  room  in  the  house,  too 


150  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

often  uncomfortably  furnished.  The  bathing  facilities  are 
usually  a  two-quart  basin,  and  yet  cleanliness  is  exacted.  The 
kitchen  and  servants'  rooms  in  even  first-class  apartment 
houses  are  tangible  evidence  of  the  consideration  given  to  the 
comforts  of  servants.  One  apartment  house  recently  erected 
in  New  York,  costing  three  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  dol- 
lars, has  every  kitchen  and  servant's  room  so  arranged  as  to 
require  gaslight  all  day  long  on  even  bright  days,  below  the 
sixth  story.  One  would  not  expect  one's  horse  to  live  under 
such  conditions  and  preserve  health  and  temper." 

We  are  beginning  to  realize  that  servants  are  human;  that 
they  need  daily  sunshine,  a  daily  walk,  and  their  evenings 
free  when  the  day's  work  is  done.  They  should  not  be  called 
on  for  trifling  services,  or  kept  sitting  in  the  kitchen  in  forlorn 
dullness  until  bedtime. 

A  GENTLEMAN 

I  knew  him  for  a  gentleman 

By  signs  that  never  fail ; 
His  coat  was  rough  and  rather  worn, 

His  cheeks  were  thin  and  pale — 
A  lad  who  had  his  way  to  make, 

With  little  time  for  play  ; 
I  knew  him  for  a  gentleman 

By  certain  signs  to-day. 

He  met  his  mother  on  the  street; 

Off  came  his  little  cap. 
My  door  was  shut ;  he  waited  there 

Until  I  heard  his  rap. 
He  took  the  bundle  from  my  hand, 

And  when  I  dropped  my  pen, 
He  sprang  to  pick  it  up  for  me — 

This  gentleman  of  ten. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  151 

He  does  not  push  and  crowd  along; 

His  voice  is  gently  pitched; 
He  does  not  fling  his  books  about 

As  if  he  were  bewitched. 
He  stands  aside  to  let  you  pass; 

He  always  shuts  the  door; 
He  runs  on  errands  willingly 

To  forge  and  mill  and  store. 

He  thinks  of  you  before  himself, 

He  serves  you  if  he  can ; 
For,  in  whatever  company, 

The  manners  make  the  man. 
At  ten  or  forty,  'tis  the  same ; 

The  manner  tells  the  tale, 
And  I  discern  the  gentleman 

By  signs  that  never  fail. 

SOME  SUGGESTIONS  ABOUT  DRESS 

Fashions  change  with  the  changing  seasons,  and  every  gen- 
eration sees  a  return  to  the  fashions  of  a  former  time.  It  is 
interesting  to  study  and  choose  the 

COLORS  THAT  CONTRAST  AND  HARMONIZE. 

The  object  of  two  or  more  different  tints  in  dress  is  to 
obtain  relief  by  variety,  and  yet  the  two  shades  brought  thus 
in  contrast  should  harmonize,  else  the  beauty  of  each  will  be 
lessened.  Thus,  a  lady  with  a  blue  dress  would  greatly  injure 
its  effect  by  wearing  a  crimson  shawl;  as  she  would  also  a 
lilac-colored  dress  by  trimming  it  with  a  dark  brown. 

That  the  reader  may  understand  the  colors  that  will  contrast 
and  yet  blend,  the  following  list  of  harmonizing  colors  is  given : 

Blue  and  gold ;  blue  and  orange ;  blue  and  salmon  color ; 
blue  and  drab ;  blue  and  stone  color ;  blue  and  white ;  blue  and 
gray;  blue  and  straw  color;  blue  and  maize;  blue  and  chest- 


152  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

nut,  blue  and  brown ;  blue  and  black ;  blue  and  white ;  blue, 
brown,  crimson,  and  gold. 

Black  and  white ;  black  and  orange ;  black  and  maize ;  black 
and  scarlet;  black  and  lilac;  black  and  pink;  black  and  slate 
color ;  black  and  buff,  black,  white,  yellow,  and  crimson ;  black, 
orange,  blue,  and  yellow. 

Crimson  and  gold ;  crimson  and  orange ;  crimson  and  maize ; 
crimson  and  purple;  crimson  and  black;  crimson  and  drab. 

Green  and  gold;  green  and  yellow;  green  and  orange; 
green  and  crimson ;  green,  crimson,  and  yellow ;  green,  scarlet, 
and  yellow. 

Lilac  and  gold;  lilac  and  maize;  lilac  and  cherry;  lilac  and 
scarlet ;  lilac  and  crimson ;  lilac,  scarlet,  white,  and  black ;  lilac, 
gold,  and  chestnut ;  lilac,  yellow,  scarlet,  and  white. 

Orange  and  chestnut ;  orange  and  brown ;  orange,  lilac,  and 
crimson ;  orange,  red,  and  green ;  orange,  blue  and  crimson ; 
orange,  purple,  and  scarlet;  orange,  blue,  scarlet,  green,  and 
white. 

Purple  and  gold;  purple  and  orange;  purple  and  maize; 
purple,  scarlet,  and  gold  color ;  purple,  white,  and  scarlet ;  pur- 
ple, orange,  blue,  and  scarlet ;  purple,  scarlet,  blue,  yellow,  and 
black. 

'Red  and  gold;  red,  white  or  gray;  red,  green,  and  orange; 
red,  black,  and  yellow ;  red,  yellow,  black,  and  white. 

Scarlet  and  purple;  scarlet  and  orange;  scarlet  and  blue; 
scarlet  and  slate  color;  scarlet,  black  and  white;  scarlet,  white 
and  blue;  scarlet,  gray,  and  blue;  scarlet,  yellow,  and  blue; 
scarlet,  blue,  yellow,  and  black. 

Yellow  and  red;  yellow  and  brown;  yellow  and  chestnut; 
yellow  and  violet ;  yellow  and  blue ;  yellow  and  purple ;  yellow 
and  crimson;  yellow  and  black;  yellow,  purple,  and  crimson; 
yellow  and  scarlet. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  THE  FAMILY  153 

A  BOY'S  DRESS 

Give  the  boy  a  good  suit  of  clothes  if  you  wish  him  to  appear 
manly.  An  ill-fitting,  bad-looking  garment  destroys  a  boy's 
respect  for  himself. 

To  require  the  boy  to  wear  men's  cast-off  clothing,  and  go 
shambling  around  in  a  large  pair  of  boots,  and  then  expect 
him  to  have  good  manners,  is  like  giving  him  the  poorest  of 
tools,  because  he  is  a  boy,  and  then  expecting  him  to  do  as  fine 
work  with  them  as  a  man  would  with  good  tools. 

Like  the  man  or  woman,  the  boy  respects  himself,  and  will 
do  much  more  honor  to  his  parents,  when  he  is  well-dressed  in 
a  neatly  fitting  suit  of  clothes.  Even  his  mother  should  re- 
linquish her  rights,  and  let  the  barber  cut  his  hair. 

As  a  rule,  well-dressed  children  exhibit  better  conduct  than 
children  that  are  careless  in  personal  appearance.  While  vanity 
should  be  guarded  against,  children  should  be  encouraged  to 
be  neat  in  person  and  dress. 

The  mother  should  strive  also  to  make  her  boy  manly.  Pos- 
sibly, as  a  pet,  her  boy  has  in  infancy  had  his  hair  curled. 
Even  now,  when  he  is  six  or  eight  years  of  age,  the  curls  look 
very  pretty.  But  the  mother  must  forego  her  further  pleasure 
in  the  curls;  for  the  boy,  to  take  his  place  along  with  the 
others,  to  run  and  jump,  to  grow  manly  and  strong,  must  wear 
short  hair.  His  mother  can  no  longer  dress  it  like  a  girl's. 
It  will  be  necessary  and  best  to  cut  off  his  curls. 

HINTS  TO  WOMEN 

Best  taste  will  dictate  an  observance  of  fashion,  avoiding 
extremes. 

Dress  the  hair  so  that  it  will  exhibit  variety  and  relief,  with- 
out making  the  forehead  look  too  high. 


154  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Have  one  pronounced  color  in  the  dress,  all  other  colors 
harmonizing  with  that. 

A  dress  should  fit  the  form.  Well  fitted  and  judiciously 
trimmed,  a  calico  dress  is  handsomer  than  an  ill-fitting  silk 
dress. 

To  present  a  handsome  appearance,  all  the  appurtenances  of 
the  lady's  dress  should  be  scrupulously  neat  and  clean.  Every 
article  that  is  designed  to  be  white  should  be  a  pure  white,  and 
in  perfect  order. 

Much  taste  may  be  displayed  in  dress  about  the  neck,  and 
care  should  be  observed  not  to  use  trimmings  that  will  enlarge 
the  appearance  of  the  shoulders.  The  dress  should  be  close- 
fitting  about  the  waist  and  shoulders,  though  the  lady  should 
not  lace  too  tightly. 

As  with  the  gentleman,  quiet  colors  are  usually  in  best  taste. 
Heavy,  rich,  dark  materials  best  suit  the  woman  of  tall  figure ; 
while  light,  full  draperies  should  be  worn  only  by  those  of 
slender  proportions.  Short  persons  should  beware  of  wearing 
flounces,  or  horizontal  trimmings  that  will  break  the  perpendic- 
ular lines,  as  the  effect  is  to  make  them  appear  shorter. 

Care  should  be  taken  to  dress  according  to  the  age,  the  sea- 
son, the  employment,  and  the  occasion.  As  a  rule,  a  woman 
appears  her  loveliest  when,  in  a  dress  of  dark  color,  we  see  her 
with  the  rosy  complexion  of  health,  her  hair  dressed  neatly, 
her  throat  and  neck  tastefully  cared  for,  her  dress  in  neither 
extreme  of  fashion,  while  the  whole  is  relieved  by  a  very  mod- 
erate amount  of  carefully  selected  jewelry. 


IX 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  (RECEPTIONS, 
LUNCHEONS,  ETC.) 

No  home  exists  simply  for  itself.  One  of  the  best  reasons 
for  having  a  home  is  that  we  may  draw  into  it  from  time  to 
time  people  whom  we  love,  who  b'ring  to  us  their  brightness 
and  charm,  and  to  whom  we  may  give  pleasure  and  gladness 
by  the  way.  If  we  limit  the  privileges  of  the  home  to  our- 
selves and  our  children  we  inevitably  grow  narrow,  and  our 
graces  are  dwarfed  and  nipped  in  the  bud. 

In  the  crowded  quarters  of  the  usual  city  home  it  is  at 
present  rather  hard  to  make  room  for  the  guest  chamber,  which 
once  was  provided  for  in  every  house.  Where  people  live 
in  apartments,  and  every  inch  of  space  is  mortgaged,  they  can- 
not well  give  up  a  whole  room  to  the  transient  comer,  be  that 
comer  a  relative  or  a  friend,  and  so  the  old-fashioned  hospi- 
tality is,  in  town,  a  thing  of  the  past. 

Fortunately,  the  guest  chamber  is  still  a  feature  in  the  coun- 
try, not  only  in  beautiful  country  homes  which  are  springing 
up  everywhere  for  city  people,  but  also  in  farmhouses  and 
village  life,  where  there  are  yet  rooms  enough  and  to  spare 
for  the  family  comfort. 

THE  GUEST  CHAMBER 

Granted  that  we  have  a  guest  chamber:  what  are  its  essen- 
tials? First  and  foremost,  a  good  and  comfortable  bed  with 
spring,  mattress,  and  pillows  complete.  The  bed  should  be 
provided  with  the  finest  sheets  of  linen  or  cotton,  as  the  hostess 


156  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

prefers,  and  should  always  be  spread  with  a  soft  blanket  and 
counterpane  and  an  extra  quilt  folded  over  the  foot. 

In  making  the  bed  pains  should  be  taken  to  fold  the  sheets 
well  in  at  the  foot  of  the  bed,  as  nothing  is  more  uncomfortable 
than  to  have  sheets  slip  up  in  the  night.  The  blanket  should 
be  put  on  the  bed  with  the  folded  part  at  the  bottom,  so  that 
half  of  it  may  be  thrown  aside  if  desired.  If  there  are  large 
and  showy  pillows  for  the  daytime  they  should  be  laid  aside 
at  night  and  replaced  by  smaller  ones.  Some  housekeepers  like 
to  have  very  beautiful  spreads  of  satin  and  lace  on  their  beds, 
and  some  like  a  round  bolster  by  day  which  is  covered  by  the 
elaborate  spread.  When  this  is  used  the  bolster  is  always  taken 
off  at  night,  and  its  place  taken  by  comfortable  pillows.  The 
guest  must  never  have  the  care  of  any  of  this  finery,  but  the 
maid  or  some  member  of  the  family  must  go  to  the  guest  room 
early  in  the  evening,  remove  everything  necessary,  and  turn 
down  the  bed  so  that  it  will  be  ready  for  the  sleeper. 

Among  the  other  necessary  furniture  of  a  guest  room  are 
a  washstand  fitted  out  with  every  convenience,  plenty  of  towels, 
including  bath  towel  and  wash  cloth,  delicate  toilet  soap,  a 
dressing  bureau  in  which  there  should  be  two  or  three  drawers 
left  vacant  for  the  guest's  use,  a  comfortable  rocking-chair, 
and  a  table  or  desk  fitted  out  with  stationery,  pens,  note  paper, 
and  postage  stamps. 

On  the  dressing  bureau  should  be  comb,  brush,  and  hand 
glass,  with  pins,  button  hook,  and  any  little  thing  a  guest  may 
need.  It  is  a  good  plan  to  have  also  for  the  guest's  use  some 
sort  of  bath  robe  or  kimono  which  she  may  like  to  utilize  in 
going  to  the  bath  room. 

In  some  homes  no  provision  is  made  for  the  toilet  of  the 
guest  in  the  guest  chamber,  and  she  is  expected  to  take  her 
turn  in  the  family  bath  room.  When  this  is  the  case  pains 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  157 

should  be  taken  to  notify  her  when  the  coast  is  clear,  and  to 
leave  her  sufficient  time  to  perform  her  ablutions  and  do 
whatever  she  wishes  without  interference  or  interruption  on 
the  part  of  the  family. 

The  great  necessity  of  the  guest  chamber  is  comfort.  If 
there  is  entire  comfort  there  will  certainly  be  luxury.  Children 
in  the  household  should  not  be  permitted  to  invade  the  guest's 
room  at  their  pleasure,  nor  should  anyone  disturb  a  guest's 
privacy  when  she  is  in  her  room,  as  for  the  time  being  it  is 
her  independent  domain. 

GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  THE  GUEST 

A  guest  should  not  feel  that  she  must  claim  the  entire  time 
of  her  hostess.  In  many  families  a  guest  is  allowed  to  take 
care  of  herself,  write  her  letters,  and,  in  short,  do  whatever 
she  pleases  between  breakfast  and  luncheon,  during  which 
hours  her  hostess  is  free  to  settle  her  own  affairs,  attend  to 
her  housekeeping,  and  go  on  precisely  as  if  no  guest  were  under 
her  roof. 

The  cardinal  point  of  good  manners,  so  far  as  the  guest  is 
concerned,  is  to  arrive  when  she  is  expected.  Having  promised 
a  visit,  she  is  not  justified  in  breaking  her  engagement  for  any 
trivial  reason.  Nothing  is  more  provoking  and  vexatious  than 
at  the  last  moment,  when  every  arrangement  has  been  made 
to  receive  a  guest,  to  have  her  telegraph  or  write  that  she  can- 
not come.  For  instance,  Mrs.  B.  has  invited  Mrs.  C.  to  visit 
her  at  a  given  time.  In  order  to  be  entirely  ready  for  her 
friend,  Mrs.  B.  has  deferred  the  coming  of  her  dressmaker, 
whom  she  cannot  always  easily  procure.  Mr.  B.  has  pur- 
chased tickets  for  himself,  wife,  and  friend,  to  several  pleasant 
evening  affairs,  for  which  the  extra  ticket  would  not  have  been 
thought  of  but  for  the  coming  of  the  guest.  A  good  deal  of 


158  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

extra  care  has  been  given  to  the  house  to  make  it  bright  and 
shining,  and  to  have  every  cobweb  swept  away,  every  bit  of 
silver  polished,  and  everything  done  that  the  hostess  may  be 
at  leisure  when  the  guest  arrives.  No  doubt  there  has  been 
extra  cooking,  and  an  extra  laying  in  of  supplies,  and,  in  short, 
the  house  has  been  made  ready  and  all  plans  have  been  in 
abeyance  in  order  that  the  beloved  friend  may  be  received  with 
due  honor  and  courtesy.  If  at  the  last  moment  she  disappoints 
the  family  she  incurs  the  reproach  of  being  an  ill-bred  and 
inconsiderate  woman. 

The  guest  should  take  pains  to  be  pleased  with  whatever 
is  arranged  for  her  amusement  and  delight.  If  trips  and  ex- 
cursions have  been  arranged,  or  friends  invited  to  meet  her, 
she  should  enter  into  the  spirit  of  every  occasion  with  real 
zest.  It  should  be  her  pleasure  to  appear  punctually  at  meals, 
as  in  some  families  it  is  embarrassing  to  have  people  coming 
late  to  breakfast  or  luncheon,  particularly  in  homes  where  only 
one  maid  is  kept  or  where  the  mistress  of  the  house  does  her 
own  work.  Everything  may  be  disarranged  if  people  are  not 
prompt  and  punctual  in  meeting  the  usual  engagements  of  the 
day. 

At  times  the  agreeable  guest  effaces  herself  and  retires  to 
her  own  quarters,  as  in  most  households  the  family  sometimes 
desires  to  be  by  itself.  Should  any  little  friction  arise  between 
members  of  the  family  a  guest  must  by  no  means  take  sides, 
but  must  be  conveniently  deaf  and  blind  to  the  fact  that  any- 
thing unpleasant  is  occurring.  ~ 

When  a  guest  leaves  a  home  she  should  never  by  word  or 
look,  or  allusion,  reveal  anything  concerning  its  privacy. 

Mrs.  Florence  Howe  Hall  in  her  excellent  book  on  Social 
Customs  speaks  of  one  custom  which  has  come  in  with  regard 
to  the  behavior  of  children  in  the  family.  It  is  so  much  to  the 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  159 

point  that  I  think  I  will  quote  it,  because  a  guest  may  be  made 
most  uncomfortable  if  the  children  in  the  house  are  ill  trained 
and  behave  like  little  savages: 

CHILDREN  AT  THE  TABLE 

"The  old  rule  was  to  help  children  after  the  grown  people, 
and  the  youngest  child  last ;  but  a  more  modern  and  humane 
way  is  to  help  little  children  first,  if  they  are  present  at  table. 
Girls  should  be  helped  before  boys,  just  as  ladies  should  be 
invariably  served  before  gentlemen.  Thus  all  the  ladies  of 
the  house  should  be  helped  before  any  of  the  gentlemen  are 
served,  even  if  among  the  latter  there  may  be  some  distin- 
guished guest. 

"While  children  should  be  accustomed  to  great  punctuality 
at  meals,  they  should  not  be  allowed  to  hurry  and  annoy  their 
elders  by  their  own  impatience  and  desire  to  get  through. 
Children  who  are  of  this  impatient  turn  of  mind  sometimes 
make  everyone  else  uncomfortable  through  an  entire  meal, 
constantly  complaining  that  they  shall  be  late  to  school,  or  that 
they  will  have  no  time  to  play,  etc.  They  tip  their  chairs, 
jump  up  and  down  on  their  seats,  brandish  their  napkins,  and 
lament  the  time  that  is  lost  in  removing  the  crumbs — all  to 
the  great  annoyance  of  everyone  else  at  table. 

"It  is  certainly  a  breach  of  etiquette  to  ask  what  kind  of 
dessert  there  is  to  be,  before  it  appears  on  the  table;  but  it 
is  one  that  is  often  forgiven  to  children,  as  it  is  hard  for 
them  to  sit  for  a  long  time  and  then  see  some  dish  appear 
that  they  especially  dislike. 

"While  children  should  be  brought  up  for  the  most  part  on 
plain,  substantial  food,  they  ought  also  to  be  taught  as  they 
grow  older  to  eat  different  kinds  of  food,  and  to  overcome  the 
prejudice  of  extreme  youth  against  tomatoes  and  other  vege- 


160  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

tables,  oysters,  etc.  It  is  a  small  misfortune  in  this  life  not  to 
be  able  to  eat  what  other  people  do;  not  only  does  it  make 
the  fastidious  person  uncomfortable,  but  it  grieves  or  mortifies 
his  hosts  to  find  that  they  have  provided  nothing  that  he  can 
eat. 

"Of  course,  a  thoroughly  well-bred  person  will  make  no 
complaints  under  these  circumstances,  or  allude  in  any  way  to 
his  dislike  of  the  food  before  him;  he  will  be  content  with 
something  else  that  is  on  the  table,  or  console  himself  with  the 
next  course. 

"Children  should  be  especially  cautioned,  when  they  are 
about  to  dine  away  from  home,  not  to  ask  for  what  is  not  upon 
the  table,  like  the  Southern  children  who  cried  out  in  amaze- 
ment, 'Where  is  the  rice?'  —  a  dish  to  which  they  had  always 
been  accustomed  at  home;  or  like  those  other  very  exact  in- 
fants who  asked,  'Is  this  homemade  sponge  cake,  or  baker's  — 
because  we  are  not  allowed  to  eat  baker's,'  etc.  Of  course  a 
considerate  hostess  who  entertains  children  will  inquire  care- 
fully about  their  tastes,  and  what  they  are  allowed  to  eat  at 
home." 

RECEPTIONS 

There  are  many  ways  of  showing  special  honor  to  a  guest. 
In  order  that  all  one's  friends  may  have  the  opportunity  to 
meet  some  pleasant  person  who  is  visiting  her,  a  hostess  often 
issues  invitations  to  a  reception.  If  it  is  to  be  a  very  formal 
reception  in  the  evening  the  invitations  may  be  engraved.  In 
this  case  they  would  take  this  form: 


anto 

3tt  pome 


Jroin  eiff&t  till  eleben  o'clock. 
72  Clairraont  3toe.,  3Sroofclj»n,  15.  |9, 


THE   GUEST   CHAMBER 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  161 

This  invitation  should  be  sent  to  all  friends  of  the  family,  and 
music  should  be  provided,  to  be  played  at  intervals  during  the 
evening,  and  a  table  ought  to  be  set  with  dainty  refreshments 
for  the  entertainment  of  the  guests.  At  such  a  reception  host- 
ess and  guests  would  wear  evening  dress  as  a  matter  of  course. 

A  more  usual  and  pleasanter  form  of  reception  is  given  in 
the  afternoon.  The  invitations  are  issued  only  in  the  name  of 
the  lady  of  the  house,  and  it  is  quite  proper  for  her  to  send 
simply  her  visiting  card  with  "From  four  to  six"  written  upon 
it,  and  the  words,  "To  meet  Miss  Jane  Clay,"  or  "Mrs.  Elbert 
Potter,"  as  may  be. 

The  person  receiving  such  an  invitation  does  not  have  to 
send  any  acknowledgment,  but  should  she  be  unable  to  attend 
the  reception  she  will  send  her  card,  so  that  it  may  be  received 
by  mail  on  the  day  and  hour. 

The  hostess  with  the  guest  of  honor  will  stand  near  the  door 
of  the  drawing-room.  If  the  reception  is  very  large  guests 
will  be  announced  as  they  enter  by  the  butler,  if  there  is  one, 
or  else  by  a  man  hired  for  the  purpose.  Caterers  who  provide 
luncheons  and  spreads  for  receptions  also  provide  men  to  open 
carriage  doors,  open  the  street  door  and  close  it  after  guests 
arriving  and  departing,  and  to  announce  guests  at  the  door  of 
the  drawing-room.  The  hostess  gives  her  hand  to  the  incom- 
ing visitor  and  presents  her  to  the  guest  of  honor.  The  visitor 
exchanges  a  few  words  of  greeting  and  pleasantry,  and  then 
passes  on  into  the  room  where  young  ladies  preside  at  either 
end  of  a  beautifully  set  table.  The  refreshments  usually  con- 
sist of  dainty  sandwiches,  salad,  perhaps  creamed  oysters  or 
chicken,  bouillon,  chocolate  or  coffee  or  lemonade.  A  very 
delicious  lemonade  is  made  by  the  addition  of  ginger  ale  to 
the  lemon  juice,  a  few  sprigs  of  mint  being  added  to  give  a 
pleasant  favor. 


162  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Guests  do  not  linger  long  at  a  reception,  from  twenty  min- 
utes to  a  half  hour  being  the  usual  time. 

Afternoon  teas  are  less  formal,  and  require  less  preparation 
than  receptions.  The  only  provision  for  an  afternoon  tea  is 
the  tea  itself,  with  thin  slices  of  bread  and  butter,  thin  biscuits 
and  cake.  In  many  households  it  is  the  custom  to  have  after- 
noon tea  always  at  five  o'clock,  and  any  friends  of  the  family 
dropping  in  are  sure  of  finding  it  then.  The  custom  comes 
from  England,  where  it  is  well-nigh  universal. 

It  may  be  noted  here  that  everybody  does  not  know  how 
to  make  good  tea.  In  the  first  place,  the  tea  itself  should  be 
of  the  very  best  quality.  Nothing  is  worse  than  cheap  tea. 
Costly  tea  is  really  not  more  expensive  than  a  cheap  variety, 
because  a  little  of  it  goes  a  long  way. 

To  make  good  tea  the  water  must  itself  be  freshly  boiled. 
The  water  should  be  poured  on  the  tea,  and  it  should  draw  for 
only  two  or  three  minutes  before  it  is  poured.  It  may  be 
served  with  slices  of  lemon  or  with  cream  and  sugar,  as  the  tea 
drinkers  prefer.  All  the  tea  equipment  should  be  dainty ;  one's 
prettiest  cups  and  saucers,  one's  nicest  tea,  all  are  in  order  for 
this  function,  which  should  be  strictly  informal. 

I  well  remember  a  good  country  hostess  with  whom  I  once 
spent  a  summer.  If  I  had  been  out  for  the  afternoon  and  came 
in  about  four  o'clock  she  would  say,  "I  have  your  tea  on  boil- 
ing," and  the  house  would  be  filled  with  the  fragrant  odor, 
growing  stronger  and  stronger  until  tea  for  the  family  was 
announced  at  five  o'clock,  when  the  beverage  of  exceeding 
strength  was  poured  out  for  the  family  and  myself.  It  is 
needless  to  say  that  tea  made  in  this  way  is  enough  to  wreck 
the  nerves  of  the  strongest. 

In  providing  bread  and  butter  for  afternoon  tea  be  sure 
that  it  is  cut  to  an  extreme  thinness,  and  neatly  spread.  It 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  163 

should  then  be  arranged  like  a  sandwich,  with  the  crusts  re- 
moved. A  great  many  nice  kinds  of  sandwiches  may  vary 
afternoon  tea.  They  may  be  made  of  brown  bread  and  cream 
cheese,  of  various  meats,  or  a  leaf  of  lettuce  with  mayonnaise 
laid  between  the  bread  and  butter  may  furnish  a  pleasant 
variety. 

Some  years  ago  a  friend  of  mine  who  had  been  for  a  good 
while  in  seclusion,  owing  to  successive  deaths  in  her  family, 
accepted  an  invitation  to  an  evening  reception.  At  the  time 
she  had  been  much  in  society  it  was  customary  for  women  to 
wear  very  elaborate  toilettes  to  every  social  affair.  So  she 
dressed  according  to  her  old  ideas,  and  found  herself,  to  her 
dismay,  very  much  overdressed.  This  is  as  disagreeable  as 
to  be  too  little  dressed. 

Her  husband,  who  was  with  her  and  was  rather  sensitive 
on  the  subject,  observed,  "Haven't  you  made  a  great  mistake  ? 
You  really  are  more  dressed  than  the  hostess." 

"Yes,"  remarked  my  friend.  "I  see  that  I  have  made  a 
mistake,  but  I  do  not  mean  to  let  it  mar  my  enjoyment.  It 
was  not  intended,  and  in  the  light  of  eternity  it  will  make  very 

little  difference  what  dress  I  wore  at  Mrs.  's  reception 

to-day." 

Not  many  people  could  be  quite  so  philosophical,  but  it  is 
a  good  plan  not  to  worry  over  trifles,  and  if  our  dress  happens 
not  to  be  quite  right,  let  us  reflect  that  nobody  is  quite  so  much 
concerned  about  it  as  we  are  ourselves. 

A  tailor-made  gown  or  a  handsome  street  dress  of  any  kind 
is  always  the  proper  thing  to  wear  to  a  reception  or  an  after- 
noon tea,  while  those  fortunate  people  who  have  many  cos- 
tumes may,  if  they  choose,  vary  their  toilettes  as  often  as  they 
like. 

I  once  heard  a  man  say:  "When  I  was  hoping  to  find  a  wife 


164  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

and  was  not  yet  in  love  I  took  pains  to  look  at  different  girls 
whom  I  saw  as  I  went  about.  I  determined  to  avoid  those  who 
seemed  to  have  such  numbers  of  clothes  that  I  thought  they 
must  spend  their  whole  time  in  this  one  occupation  of  providing 
different  dresses." 

It  is  an  open  question  whether  or  not  this  man  may  not  have 
been  a  little  parsimonious,  yet  it  is  folly  to  multiply  one's 
gowns. 

In  going  on  a  visit  it  is  well  to  be  provided  with  some 
pretty  dresses  for  each  possible  occasion.  Yet  one  should  not 
forego  a  pleasant  visit  because  she  thinks  her  wardrobe  is 
rather  limited. 

If  one  happen  to  have  a  trouble  or  trial  in  the  background 
of  one's  mind  or  one's  home,  that  is  not  to  be  carried  into 
society.  A  gloomy  face  is  not  excusable  in  general  company. 
We  have  no  right  to  cloud  the  general  gayety  by  our  melan- 
choly feelings,  and  for  this  reason  among  others,  if  it  is  im- 
possible for  us  to  control  our  sadness,  we  should  stay  apart 
from  others  until  we  can  do  so. 

Among  the  pleasantest  functions  at  present  in  vogue  that 
of  the  house-party  takes  the  highest  place.  Of  course,  no  one 
can  give  a  house-party  who  has  not,  to  begin  with,  a  house 
large  enough  to  accommodate  a  number  of  guests. 

Not  long  since  a  lady  living  at  the  seaside  invited  fourteen 
of  her  young  daughter's  college  chums  to  spend  a  week  with 
her  in  a  summer  vacation.  To  accommodate  comfortably  fif- 
teen girls  required,  of  course,  a  number  of  rooms,  though 
presumably,  in  this  case,  several  girls  were  willing  to  room 
together. 

A  house-party  may  consist  of  two  or  three  married  couples 
who  are  in  the  same  set  and  known  to  one  another,  or  it  may 
bring  together  several  engaged  couples,  or  perhaps  two  or 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOSPITALITY  165 

f  three  families  of  the  kith  and  kin.  At  Thanksgiving  and 
Christmas  hospitalities  often  consist  of  members  of  the  clan 
who  have  come  from  great  distances  that  they  may  be  to- 
gether under  one  roof  at  the  happy  time. 

In  arranging  a  house-party  try  to  get  congenial  people.  A 
number  of  people  who  dislike  each  other,  or  who  have  little  in 
common,  would  lie  with  heavy  weights  upon  the  hands  of  host 
and  hostess.  Whatever  be  the  form  of  amusement  chosen,  let 
it  be  something  that  people  generally  can  enjoy  together.  If 
you  live  in  the  mountains  you  may  enjoy  driving  and  provide 
that  for  your  guests  as  your  chief  recreation.  In  these 
days  nearly  everybody  plays  golf  and  tennis,  so  that 
the  tennis  ground  or  the  golf  links  will  furnish  delightful 
employment. 

On  the  shore  the  main  thing  is  to  have  boats  and  facilities 
for  bathing.  Give  the  guests  plenty  of  time  to  themselves, 
and  let  them  follow  out  their  own  pursuits.  If  you  desire  to 
bring  into  your  house-party  some  of  the  people  in  the  neigh- 
borhood, they  may  be  invited  to  a  lawn  party  for  the  after- 
noon. The  hours  for  this  are  usually  from  five  to  seven,  and 
guests  gather  on  the  veranda  and  the  lawn,  and  group  them- 
selves around  small  tables  where  tea  and  other  refreshments 
are  served. 

A  garden  party  or  a  lawn  party,  being  given  in  summer, 
allows  a  great  deal  of  latitude  for  beautiful  dresses.  If  you 
wish  to  follow  the  latest  fashion  you  may  ask  your  guests  at 
night  whether  they  would  not  like  breakfast  served  in  their 
rooms.  Should  they  prefer  this  a  simple  meal,  usually  coffee 
and  rolls,  may  be  sent  them.  It  is  not  now  the  custom  to 
serve  heavy  American  breakfasts  in  rooms.  In  our  country, 
though,  unless  people  are  invalids,  they  prefer  to  go  to  the 
family  breakfast  table.  Breakfast  at  a  house-party  is  always 


1 66  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

somewhat  informal,  and  need  not  be  very  heavy  or  elaborate ; 
the  table,  however,  should  be  prettily  set,  so  that  it  may  pre- 
sent an  attractive  appearance. 

The  true  charm  of  a  house-party  lies  in  a  sincere  welcome, 
in  gentle  manners,  and  the  art  to  make  everyone  at  ease  and 
at  her  best. 


X 
GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING 

NATURALLY  when  we  think  of  entertaining  friends  we  ex- 
pect to  give  them  something  to  eat.  The  equivalent  of  the 
Arab's  bread  and  salt,  of  Abraham's  fatted  calf  and  Sarah's 
kneaded  measures  of  meal,  is  the  modern  dinner.  Treat  a 
man  with  hospitality  and  distinction,  and  you  invite  him  to 
dinner.  Treat  a  man  to  churlish  parsimony,  and  you  can  do 
so  no  better  than  by  closing  your  doors  against  him  and  re- 
fusing to  share  with  him  your  loaf  and  cup. 

When  Robert  coming  home  at  night  brings  a  man  from 
town,  an  old  classmate,  or  a  business  man  whom  he  wishes  to 
impress  agreeably,  he  is  fortunate  if  Emily  be  the  kind  of  wife 
whose  welcome  is  always  cordial.  The  true  test  of  gracious 
housekeeping  is  in  the  ability  to  receive  unexpected  guests 
with  graceful  and  gracious  kindness,  setting  before  them  with- 
out apology  the  very  best  the  house  affords.  When  people 
are  invited  one  takes  trouble  for  them  and  endeavors  to  give 
them  a  meal  that  shall  have  the  flavor  of  a  banquet  and  linger 
in  memory  like  a  perfume. 

To  give  a  formal  dinner  requires  care,  forethought,  a  deep 
purse,  good  management,  and  large  store  of  beautiful  china. 

Gone  are  the  days  of  simplicity  in  the  matter  of 

SETTING  A  TABLE 

The  place  plates  alone  in  a  modern  home  with  any  claim  to 
be  thought  fashionable  may  easily  cost  a  hundred  dollars  a 


1 68  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

dozen.  Very  exquisite  place  plates  may  be  bought  for  a  quar- 
ter of  that  sum,  it  is  true.  But  that  single  item  gives  the  clue 
to  the  extravagance  of  much  twentieth  century  table  furnishing. 

The  place  plates  are  supposed  to  stand  under  the  soup  plates, 
and  under  any  course  where  it  is  desired  to  have  them.  They 
often  are  used  at  dessert  as  well  as  in  the  beginning  of  a  meal. 

A  dinner  served  in  course  consists  of  soup,  fish,  roast,  salad, 
and  dessert.  These  are  the  indispensable  courses. 

A  ceremonious  dinner,  however,  probably  begins  with  a  tiny 
bit  of  caviare  on  a  tiny  bit  of  toast. 

This  is  succeeded  by  fruit:  melons,  peaches,  strawberries, 
or  grape  fruit  may  be  served  for  this  course.  The  fruit  must 
be  in  perfection,  must  have  been  on  the  ice,  must  itself  tempt 
the  eye  as  well  as  the  palate. 

Next,  served  on  a  bed  of  crushed  ice,  with  silver  forks  that 
come  on  purpose,  will  be  a  course  of  oysters  or  small  clams  on 
the  half  shell.  Oyster  plates  with  hollows  for  the  shell  come 
for  this  course. 

Succeeding  the  oysters  we  have  a  delicate  clear  soup.  The 
hostess  may  serve  it  from  a  silver  tureen,  or  it  may  be  brought 
in  on  soup  plates  and  set  before  the  individual  guests. 

Next  follows  fish.  This  may  be  served  by  the  host,  or  it 
may  be  arranged  in  a  dainty  mince  and  served  in  shells  to  the 
separate  guests.  If  the  former  way  is  chosen,  potatoes  very 
daintily  cooked  may  accompany  it. 

During  an  entire  dinner  olives,  salted  almonds,  radishes, 
and  similar  relishes  may  be  passed.  These  are  the  only  articles 
of  food  on  the  table  when  guests  take  their  seats. 

After  the  fish  there  may  be  an  entree  or  two  of  some  deli- 
cate dish,  but  the  roast  is  now  the  proper  thing  in  order.  It 
may  be  turkey,  beef,  mutton,  or  lamb.  Whatever  it  is,  the  host 
may  carve  it,  if  he  please,  and  the  waiter  receive  the  portions 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  169 

from  him  and  carry  them  to  the  guests.  In  many  houses  the 
lady  of  the  house  is  first  served,  and  next  the  guest  of  honor, 
who  is  the  lady  at  the  right  of  the  host.  Ladies  are  helped 
before  gentlemen. 

The  carving  is  often  done  in  the  kitchen,  or  the  butler's 
pantry,  the  host  being  altogether  relieved  from  this  duty. 

With  the  roast  several  vegetables  are  served. 

A  salad  follows  the  roast,  and  with  the  salad  cheese  and 
small  crackers  are  served. 

The  dessert  follows  the  salad,  and  black  coffee  concludes 
the  repast.  A  dinner  of  this  kind  should  be  served  in  very 
leisurely  style.  No  fuss,  no  hurry,  above  all  no  noise  or  con- 
fusion must  characterize  a  ceremonious  dinner. 

The  dessert  usually  consists  of  tarts,  ices,  fruit,  and  bon- 
bons. Frequently  there  is  a  final  course,  after  the  sweets, 
consisting  of  cheese  and  toasted  crackers. 

Invited  to  dinner,  one  accepts  or  declines  immediately.  Good 
manners  forbid  delay  in  responding  to  a  dinner  invitation. 

Good  manners  ordain  that  only  extreme  illness  or  a  great 
calamity  in  one's  family  or  affecting  one's  own  person  shall 
permit  one  to  break  a  dinner  engagement. 

If  one  necessarily  falls  out  of  a  dinner  party,  and  the  place 
at  the  last  moment  has  to  be  supplied,  a  very  intimate  friend 
or  a  neighbor  may  be  requested  to  take  the  vacant  place,  but 
the  circumstances  must  be  explained,  and  the  agreement  to 
help  the  hostess  out  at  the  eleventh  hour  constitutes  a  real 
social  favor. 

Children  never  come  in  at  a  ceremonious  dinner.  Very  oc- 
casionally they  are  permitted  to  enter  the  room  at  dessert,  but 
as  generally  the  hour  is  far  beyond  their  bedtime  this  is  in 
doubtful  taste. 

The  hostess  personally  supervises  the  arrangement  of  her 


170  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

dinner  table,  sees  that  the  candles  in  their  silken  shades  are 
ready,  candle  light  being  preferred  to  garish  gas,  that  the  flow- 
ers are  fresh  and  the  color  scheme  she  has  chosen  carried 
out,  and  that  her  cut  glass,  silver,  and  china  are  all  as  they 
should  be. 

Relays  of  plates  must  be  at  hand  in  the  butler's  pantry,  and 
all  the  spoons  and  forks  necessary  must  be  laid  out  there. 

In  setting  the  table  the  spoons  for  soup,  dessert,  and  coffee 
are  arranged  at  the  top  of  the  plate;  the  knife  and  forks — 
the  latter  of  several  sizes — are  placed  on  the  left  hand,  and 
the  small  plate  for  bread,  olives,  etc.,  is  on  the  right  hand.  In 
eating  one  takes  first  the  small  oyster  fork  for  that  course,  and 
when  that  is  taken  away  uses  the  next  in  order. 

Should  a  guest  be  in  doubt  what  to  do,  the  rule  is  to  glance 
at  the  hostess  and  adopt  her  method,  whatever  it  may  be. 

The  waitress  must  pass  everything  on  the  left  hand. 

At  most  dinners  the  dishes  are  all  passed  and  the  guests 
help  themselves.  The  good  old-fashioned  way  in  which  host 
and  hostess  heaped  the  plates  of  guests  is  supplanted  by  the 
modern  custom  indicated  above. 

At  each  place  there  is  a  card  on  which  the  guest's  name  is 
written.  This  facilitates  the  seating  of  guests,  and  conveys 
an  implied  compliment.  Beside  each  plate  is  a  napkin  folded 
squarely  and  of  sufficient  size  to  be  a  real  protection  to  a 
guest's  dress. 

Gentlemen  do  not  tuck  the  napkin  into  the  vest.  They  let 
it  lie  upon  the  knees. 

After  a  meal  it  is  not  good  form  to  fold  a  napkin.  Leave  it 
loosely  beside  your  plate. 

Butter  is  not  served  at  a  formal  dinner. 

Bread  is  placed  beside  the  plate. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  171 

THE  PROCESSION  TO  DINNER 

At  a  formal  dinner  the  guests  may  not  enter  in  a  promiscu- 
ous, go-as-you-please,  happy-go-lucky  manner.  The  hostess 
has  carefully  arranged  her  people,  so  that  her  company  may  be 
a  success.  She  selects  the  guest  of  honor  with  exceeding  care. 
The  host  gives  his  arm  to  this  lady,  and  they  lead  the  way,  the 
lady  being  seated  on  the  right  of  her  host.  After  them  come 
the  other  couples  as  the  hostess  has  planned.  She  has  dropped 
a  word  to  each  man  indicating  the  lady  whom  he  shall  escort 
to  dinner.  She  herself  brings  up  the  rear  with  the  guest  who 
will  sit  on  her  right. 

The  strict  rule  for  dinner  is  that  evening  dress  shall  be  worn, 
which  means  for  a  lady  a  low  neck  and  short  or  elbow  sleeves, 
and  for  a  gentleman  a  dress  coat  and  its  accompanying  trou- 
sers, vest  and  tie  of  regulation  cut  and  color.  But  so  long  as 
a  rich  and  elegant  dress  is  worn  some  modification  of  the  above 
may  not  be  amiss.  Elderly  women  do  not  always  care  to 
expose  their  necks  and  arms;  some  women  prefer  always  to 
veil  theirs  with  lace  or  chiffon ;  and  some  men,  if  not  young 
and  fashionable,  refuse  to  wear  dress  clothes  and  prefer  a 
frock  coat. 

One's  best  toilette,  one's  best  mood,  one's  best  temper,  one's 
best  talk,  are  in  order  when  one  goes  out  to  dine,  or  gives  a 
dinner  at  home. 

THE  TABLE  TALK 

At  dinner  the  talk  should  be  sprightly  and  vivacious.  Heated 
discussions  are  to  be  avoided ;  therefore  it  is  well  that  politics 
be  omitted,  and  questions  involving  wide  and  emphatic  differ- 
ences of  opinion,  such  as  capital  and  labor. 

Personalities  are  never  in  order,  and  it  is  wise  to  avoid  talk 
about  the  absent,  unless  something  kind  can  be  said,  The 


172*  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

conversation  is  sometimes  general ;  sometimes  it  falls  into  low- 
toned  dialogue,  but  it  must  be  cheery,  blithe,  and  always  genial 
and  kind.  It  is 

INCUMBENT  ON  DINNER  GUESTS 

to  be  prompt.  A  tardy  guest  is  a  great  trial  to  a  host  and 
hostess.  One  need  not  arrive  too  early,  but,  on  the  other  hand, 
one  must  not  be  even  five  minutes  late.  The  dinner  hour  is 
always  mentioned  in  the  invitation,  and  the  excellence  of  the 
courses  depends  on  their  being  served  at  precisely  the  right 
moment.  The  temper  of  the  cook,  of  the  hostess,  and  of  every- 
body concerned  is  exasperated  by  a  tardy  and  inconsequent 
person  who  delays  a  dinner,  and  rushes  in  with  apologies  when 
the  soup  is  growing  cold. 

Arrive  a  few  minutes  before  the  hour,  as  it  is  customary 
for  guests  to  assemble  in  the  drawing-room,  greet  their  host 
and  each  other,  and  proceed  together  to  the  table. 

'A.  guest  who  is  prevented  by  circumstances  beyond  his  con- 
trol from  reaching  the  house  on  time  takes  his  place  unob- 
trusively, with  a  word  of  excuse  to  his  hostess,  and  goes  on 
with  the  dinner  at  whatever  stage  it  happens  to  be. 

At  the  table  it  is  a  guest's  privilege  quietly  to  pass  any 
course,  if  he  chooses,  but  the  guest  should  allow  most  courses 
to  be  placed  before  him  or  her  even  if  they  are  merely  trifled 
with.  Good  manners  would  be  violated  should  a  guest  express 
dislike  to  any  dish,  or,  worst  of  all,  explain  that  it  disagreed 
with  his  digestion. 

If  on  a  diet,  do  not,  as  I  have  known  an  ill-bred  person  to 
do,  expatiate  on  it  and  its  good  effects.  I  knew  a  man  who 
always  carried  a  certain  bread  with  him  proclaiming  at  every 
dinner  table  that  he  could  eat  no  other. 

It  is  hardly  excusable,  unless  there  is  an  excellent  reason  for 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  173 

doing  so,  to  rush  away  in  hot  haste  the  instant  dinner  is  over. 
Tarry  for  twenty  minutes  or  a  half  hour  in  the  drawing-room 
before  you  go. 

On  withdrawing,  take  leave  of  your  host  and  hostess,  and 
express  your  thanks  for  a  very  pleasant  time.  It  is  not  neces- 
sary to  be  gushing,  but  you  must  not  be  chary  of  thanks  to  the 
hostess,  not  the  host.  The  lady  of  the  house  has  been  at  all 
the  trouble,  and  is  the  queen  of  the  hour.  Do  not  take  a 
formal  leave  of  the  other  guests.  If  you  choose  you  may  wish 
them  a  general  good-night. 

THE  TABLE  LINEN 

At  every  formal  dinner  the  table  linen  should  be  of  the 
finest;  the  napkins  large,  and  the  centerpiece,  doilies,  etc.,  the 
prettiest  you  can  afford. 

Though  all  this  has  been  said  about  a  very  ceremonious 
dinner,  it  need  not  debar  one  from  often  having  one's  friends 
seated  around  her  table. 

A  LITTLE  DINNER 

A  little  dinner  that  one  can  easily  afford  may  give  as  much 
genuine  pleasure  as  the  sort  of  dinner  the  President  serves  on 
state  occasions  in  the  White  House. 

For  example,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Pinehurst  wish  to  show  a  pleas- 
ant attention  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Payne,  who  are  newly  married, 
and  have  come  to  live  in  the  neighborhood.  They  ask  them  to 
come  to  dinner  on  a  certain  evening  at  seven  o'clock.  To  meet 
them  they  ask  two  other  couples.  Eight  is  a  very  convenient 
number  for  a  little  dinner. 

The  dinner  begins  with  grape  fruit,  cut  in  halves,  the  pulp 
taken  out,  put  back,  and  sweetened.  A  preserved  strawberry 
or  a  cherry  may  be  placed  in  each  grape  fruit.  A  half  is  enough 
for  each  plate. 


174  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

The  soup  may  be  homemade;  cream  of  celery  or  tomato 
bisque  is  delicate  and  appetizing.  Roast  chicken  may  follow, 
with  two  well-cooked  vegetables.  Salad,  of  lettuce,  with 
French  dressing,  which  is  a  dressing  of  vinegar,  oil,  pepper, 
and  salt,  or  of  chopped  apples  and  celery  with  a  mayonnaise 
dressing,  accompanied  by  crackers  and  cheese,  comes  next. 

Then,  offer  your  dessert,  which  may  be  a  prune  puff  with 
whipped  cream,  or  sponge  cake  and  sliced  oranges,  or  an  apple 
tart,  or  a  mince  pie. 

Last  of  all,  have  strong  black  coffee,  served  in  small  cups. 

If  the  ordinary  family  dinner  is  served  in  courses,  and  if 
soup  frequently  forms  part  of  it,  a  single  maid  will  easily 
prepare  and  serve  a  dinner  like  the  one  just  mentioned.  If 
there  is  no  maid  and  the  lady  herself  prepares  the  dinner  she 
will  have  to  get  her  salad  and  dessert  ready  in  the  morning. 
The  guests  must  wait  on  themselves,  and  the  absence  of  for- 
mality will  make  the  occasion  very  agreeable. 

It  will  be  easier  for  a  lady  alone,  if  she  can  engage  some 
one  from  outside  to  change  plates  and  cups  and  wash  dishes, 
but  if  there  is  no  one  attainable  her  husband  will  not  demean 
himself  by  rendering  every  assistance  in  his  power.  Beautiful 
and  costly  glass  and  silver  enhance  a  feast,  but  they  are  not 
needed.  Plain  white  china  and  pressed  glass  with  a  welcome 
are  good  enough  for  anybody. 

A  visiting  foreigner  once  had  the  honor  to  dine  with  the 
poet  Whittier.  The  dinner  was  a  plain  New  England  meal, 
with  excellent  home  cooking.  It  was  simply  served.  A  youth- 
ful cousin  of  the  poet  rose  when  there  was  occasion,  changed 
plates,  and  brought  on  dessert  and  coffee.  The  guest,  with 
doubtful  tact,  displayed  some  embarrassment  at  being  waited 
upon  by  a  gentlewoman.  But  the  poet  set  him  at  his  ease. 
"It  is  our  homely  custom,"  he  said,  "to  be  graciously  served 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  175 

by  our  young  girls.    The  daughters  of  our  households  do  not 
feel  demeaned  by  this." 

In  the  mountains  of  our  own  South,  where  life  is  very  sim- 
ple, I  have  seen  the  women  of  the  house,  the  mistress  ex- 
cepted,  refuse  to  sit  down  at  all,  while  a  generous  supper  of 
fried  chicken,  succotash,  green  peas,  roasted  sweet  potatoes, 
hot  biscuits  and  honey,  coffee  and  cream  were  served  to  ap- 
preciative guests  who  ate  with  hungry  appetites. 

A  LADIES'  LUNCHEON 

One  of  the  prettiest  forms  of  hospitality  is  a  ladies'  luncheon. 
Mrs.  Caroline  Benedict  Burrell  says,  "To  give  a  luncheon  is  to 
indulge  one's  self  in  the  most  charming  and  satisfying  form 
of  entertainment." 

This  is  true,  for  a  luncheon  may  be  very  elaborate  or  very 
simple  as  one  chooses.  It  is  never  stately  or  formal. 

A  few  months  ago  the  young  women,  married  and  single,  of 
a  suburban  village  near  New  York  formed  themselves  into 
two  luncheon  clubs,  meeting  fortnightly  at  each  other's  homes. 
One  frugal  set  gave  what  they  styled  "poverty  luncheons." 
They  were  strictly  limited  as  to  the  amount  they  might  spend, 
each  vying  with  the  other  to  give  the  most  delightful  luncheon 
to  six  or  eight  persons  at  a  minimum  cost.  Three  dollars  was 
the  outside  sum  allowed  for  the  entire  function.  Very  nice 
luncheons  indeed  were  served  by  the  enterprising  hostesses, 
who  claimed  that  their  parties  were  just  as  nice  as  those  of 
their  neighbors  who  proudly  gave  "millionaire  luncheons," 
costing  whatever  the  givers  chose  to  spend  for  them. 

Invited  to  luncheon  a  lady  does  not  remove  her  bonnet,  nor 
her  gloves  until  she  is  seated  at  the  table.  Flowers  decorate 
the  middle  of  the  table.  If  this  is  a  handsome  table  of  pol- 
ished mahogany  or  oak  it  is  left  bare,  except  for  a  dainty 


176  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

centerpiece.  Lace  or  embroidered  doilies  are  at  each  place, 
and  the  silver  and  china  are  as  elegant  as  the  house  affords. 

Among  menus  which  are  appropriate  at  a  ladies'  luncheon 
are:  Strawberries  (served  whole  with  powdered  sugar),  cream 
of  asparagus  soup,  lamb  chops  with  green  peas  and  potatoes 
French  fried,  hot  rolls,  lettuce  salad,  ice  cream,  coffee;  or, 
Bouillon,  creamed  salmon,  broiled  chicken,  creamed  potatoes, 
thin  bread  and  butter,  cup  custards,  pound  cake,  coffee  or  tea. 

One  of  the  most  charming  ladies'  luncheons  that  I  recall 
was  one  where  the  principal  dish  was  rice  waffles,  sent  in  piping 
hot  by  a  Southern  cook.  There  were  other  things,  but  the 
waffles  made  the  luncheon. 

In  country  houses  a  ladies'  luncheon  is  often  spread  on  little 
tables  out-of-doors,  or  it  may  be  progressive,  certain  guests 
changing  tables  at  each  course.  A  menu  served  at  such  a 
luncheon  began  with  curried  chicken,  rice  and  bananas,  ending 
with  an  omelette  souffle. 

One  may  have  whatever  she  pleases  that  is  delicious  and  in 
season  at  a  luncheon  where  her  women  friends  assemble. 

A  CLUB  LUNCHEON 

Club  luncheon  has  an  etiquette  of  its  own.  The  president 
and  chief  officers  of  the  club,  with  the  guests  of  the  day,  stand 
in  line  and  receive  for  a  half  hour  before  the  feast,  usually 
given  at  the  club  rooms  or  an  inn,  is  announced.  They  then 
walk  into  the  dining  room  in  procession,  the  president  leading 
with  the  guest  of  greatest  distinction,  who  is  seated  on  her 
right.  The  luncheon  proceeds  in  a  leisurely  fashion,  an  or- 
chestra very  likely  playing  softly  from  the  gallery  the  while. 
,  After  the  last  course  the  president  arises,  raps  for  order, 
and  begins  the  program  of  the  day.  There  are  after-dinner 
speeches,  responses  to  sentiments,  instrumental  and  vocal 


THE   AFTERNOON   TEA 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  177 

music  by  fine  and  artistic  performers,  and  a  general  spirit  of 
enthusiasm,  good  will,  and  amiability. 

To  the  honor  of  women  be  it  said  that  at  their  club  luncheons 
wine  is  never  served.  They  are  invariably  strictly  temperance 
affairs. 

Once  in  a  while  a  man  is  honored  by  an  invitation,  and  he 
usually  appears  greatly  to  enjoy  the  function.  I  have  met  at 
the  annual  breakfasts  of  college  alumnae  great  scholars,  learned 
divines,  renowned  financiers,  and  famous  authors.  As  com- 
pared with  the  women  present,  they  were  conspicuously  few, 
and  were  always  seated  at  the  president's  table.  They  never 
failed  to  make  good  after-breakfast  speeches,  which  were  re- 
ceived with  applause. 

RULES  OF  TABLE  ETIQUETTE  FOR  EVERYONE 

Do  not  annoy  those  next  to  whom  you  sit  by  fidgeting  in 
your  chair,  moving  your  feet,  or  playing  with  your  bread  or 
with  any  of  the  table  equipage. 

Never  chew  food  with  your  mouth  open,  talk  with  it  in  your 
mouth,  or  make  any  of  those  noises  in  eating  which  are  the 
characteristics  of  vulgarity. 

Do  not  convey  your  food  in  too  large  or  too,  small  portions 
to  the  mouth. 

Do  not  hold  your  head  as  erect  as  if  you  had  swallowed  a 
ramrod,  nor  bury  your  face  in  the  plate. 

Handle  your  knife  and  fork  properly,  and  not  overhand  as 
a  clown  would;  remove  them  from  the  plate  as  soon  as  it  is 
placed  before  you,  and  lay  them  side  by  side  when  you  have 
finished,  and  not  before,  as  this  is  the  signal  which  a  well-bred 
waiter  observes  for  removing  the  plate. 

Never  leave  your  coffee  spoon  or  teaspoon  in  the  cup. 

Do  not  use  your  handkerchief  unnecessarily. 


178  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Do  not  converse  in  a  loud  tone  or  indulge  in  uproarious 
laughter. 

Should  you  be  so  unfortunate  as  to  break  an  article  be  not 
profuse  in  your  apologies,  but  show  the  regret  in  your  face 
and  manner  rather  than  in  words.  It  is  ill-mannered  to  ex- 
press too  much  regret,  so  is  it  the  essence  of  rudeness  not  to 
make  an  apology. 

Always  break  your  bread  instead  of  cutting  it. 

A  saltcellar  should  always  be  in  the  reach  of  every  guest. 

Napkins  should  be  folded  square  and  placed  on  each  plate. 
To  fold  them  in  intricate  forms  is  considered  boarding  house 
or  hotel  style. 

Fifteen  minutes  is  the  longest  time  required  to  wait  for  a 
tardy  guest. 

Age  should  take  the  precedence  in  proceeding  from  the 
drawing  room  to  the  dining  room,  the  younger  falling  back 
until  the  older  have  advanced.  A  host  waits  upon  the  oldest 
lady  or  the  greatest  stranger,  or  if  there  be  a  bride  present 
precedence  is  given  to  her,  unless  the  dinner  is  given  for  an- 
other person. 

If  you  have  occasion  to  speak  to  a  servant  wait  until  you 
can  catch  her  eye,  and  then  ask  in  a  low  tone  for  what  you 
want.. 

Never  hesitate  to  pass  any  course  of  which  you  do  not 
wish  to  partake. 

Always  swallow  your  food  before  leaving  the  table. 

Vegetables  are  generally  eaten  with  a  fork,  though  asparagus 
can  be  taken  up  with  the  fingers  if  preferred. 

Fruit  and  fish  are  eaten  with  silver  knives  and  forks,  though 
if  fish  knives  are  not  provided  a  piece  of  bread  in  the  left  hand 
answers  the  purpose  as  well,  with  the  fork  in  the  right. 

A  soup  plate  should  never  be  tilted  for  the  last  spoonful, 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  ENTERTAINING  179 

Cheese  is  eaten  with  a  fork,  and  not  with  a  knife ;  sometimes 
with  the  fingers. 

Never  forget  that  at  dinner,  as  on  all  occasions  of  hospitality, 
it  is  your  chief  duty  to  relieve  the  hostess  from  every  annoy- 
ance or  care.  It  must  not  be  imagined  that  the  dinner  is 
simply  given  for  the  purpose  of  giving  a  gross  and  purely 
material  pleasure.  It  puts  you  in  company  with  persons  of 
consideration,  and  gives  you  an  opportunity  to  display  your 
intelligence,  or  to  cause  your  good  qualities  to  be  appreciated. 

No  one  should  ever  monopolize  conversation,  unless  he 
wishes  to  win  for  himself  the  name  of  bore,  and  to  be  avoided 
as  such. 


XI 

GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST 

I  HAVE  heard  good  people  affirm  that  they  were  always  cross 
and  melancholy  at  breakfast.  Yet  breakfast  should  be  the 
merriest  meal  in  the  day. 

Think  how  much  we  have  to  rejoice  over.  The  new  day, 
the  watchful  care  of  our  heavenly  Father  during  the  past  night, 
the  chance  to  begin  again,  forgetting  yesterday's  errors,  and 
fearless  of  the  unknown  to-morrow.  "Every  day  is  a  fresh 
beginning."  And  here  we  are,  father,  mother,  children, 
friends,  at  the  breakfast  table. 

The  little  ones  bring  sweet  morning  faces  to  the  breakfast 
table,  even  if  their  parents  are  preoccupied.  Only  childhood 
is  ever  entirely  care-free  in  this  hard  world,  which  is  for  many 
of  us  always  a  world  of  toil  and  anxious  yearning.  Sometimes 
we  cry  out: 

"O,  for  the  days  when  Time  ran  like  water, 

Unnoted,  uncounted,  and  free! 

When  the  Day  only  knew  what  the  sunshine  brought  her, 
And  the  Night  only  cared  that  the  moonlight  sought  her, 

And  threw  down  its  bridge  to  the  sea. 

"O,  to  live  again  when  the  Time  before  us 

Seemed  fair  as  the  Time  that  was  past. 
When  each  day  seemed  a  billow  that  bore  us 
Through  the  sunshiny  calm  the  long  hours  flung  o'er  us, 

And  dropped  us  unawakened  at  last. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST  181 

"O,  for  the  days  when  life  was  our  measure 

For  the  work  that  we  meant  to  do; 
When  the  calm  day  hurried  not  for  pleasure, 
And  the  long  night  tarried  to  give  us  treasure 

It  had  hidden  the  ages  through." 

Nevertheless,  though  the  child  heart  cannot  always  stay  light- 
some and  thoughtless,  we  may  bring  cheerful  words  and  looks, 
if  we  will,  to  the  breakfast  table. 

Somebody  has  remarked  that  we  make  too  much  fuss  over 
our  American  breakfast.  Perhaps;  yet  the  European,  or 
rather  the  Continental  breakfast  of  coffee  and  rolls  is  not 
enough  for  a  business  man  who  will  snatch  an  indifferent  and 
hasty  luncheon  and  have  nothing  solid  and  substantial  until 
dinner  at  six  or  seven. 

Such  a  man  needs  the  regulation  breakfast  of  fruit,  cereal, 
coffee,  rolls,  steak,  and  potatoes.  But  the  wife  and  children 
do  not  require  the  same  hearty  breakfast,  and  may  manage  with 
something  simpler. 

Do  you  like  eggs  for  breakfast?  You  will  enjoy  this  pretty 
story  from  the  French,  of  a  young  couple  who  had  lost  their 
way  in  a  forest  and  found  asylum  in  the  hut  of  a  woodcutter. 
Incidentally  you  will  discover  a  nice  receipt  for  an  omelet. 
An  omelet,  by  the  way,  may  be  infinitely  varied,  what  with 
cheese,  parsley,  minced  ham,  and  jelly,  any  of  which  blend 
well  with  the  lightly  frothed  eggs,  and  taste  delicious  to  a 
hungry  breakfaster. 

In  the  story  the  famished  wanderers  ask  for  food,  and  the 
people  of  the  hut  hospitably  promise  it. 

"The  old  woman  had  gone  to  fetch  a  frying  pan,  and  was 
then  throwing  a  handful  of  shavings  on  the  fire. 

"In  the  midst  of  this  strange  and  rude  interior  Louise  seemed 
to  me  so  fine  and  delicate,  so  elegant,  with  her  long  gants  de 


182  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Suede,  her  little  boots,  and  her  tucked-up  skirts.  With  her 
two  hands  stretched  out  she  sheltered  her  face  from  the  flames, 
and  from  the  corner  of  her  eye,  while  I  was  talking  with  the 
splitters,  she  watched  the  butter  that  began  to  sing  in  the 
frying  pan. 

"Suddenly  she  rose,  and  taking  the  handle  of  the  frying  pan 
from  the  old  woman's  hand,  'Let  me  help  you  make  the  ome- 
let,' she  said.  The  good  woman  let  go  the  pan  with  a  smile, 
and  Louise  found  herself  alone  in  the  position  of  a  fisherman 
at  the  moment  when  his  float  begins  to  bob.  The  fire  hardly 
threw  any  light ;  her  eyes  were  fixed  on  the  liquid  butter,  her 
arms  outstretched,  and  she  was  biting  her  lips  a  little,  doubt- 
less to  increase  her  strength. 

"  'It  is  a  bit  heavy  for  Madame's  little  hands,'  said  the  old 
man.  'I  bet  that  it  is  the  first  time  you  ever  made  an  omelet 
in  a  woodcutter's  hut,  is  it  not,  my  little  lady  ?' 

"Louise  made  a  sign  of  assent  without  removing  her  eyes 
from  the  frying  pan. 

"  'The  eggs !  the  eggs !'  she  cried  all  at  once,  with  such  an 
expression  of  alarm  that  we  all  burst  out  laughing.  'The 
eggs!  the  butter  is  bubbling!  quick,  quick!' 

"The  old  woman  was  beating  the  eggs  with  animation.  'And 
the  herbs!'  cried  the  old  man.  'And  the  bacon,  and  the  salt/ 
said  the  young  man.  Then  we  all  set  to  work,  chopping  the 
herbs  and  cutting  the  bacon,  while  Louise  cried,  'Quick! 
quick !' 

"At  last  there  was  a  big  splash  in  the  frying  pan,  and  the 
great  act  began.  We  all  stood  around  the  fire  watching  anx- 
iously, for,  each  having  had  a  finger  in  the  pie,  the  result  in- 
terested us  all.  The  good  old  woman,  kneeling  down  by  the 
dish,  lifted  up  with  her  knife  the  corners  of  the  omelet,  which 
was  beginning  to  brown, 


GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST  183 

"  'Now  Madame  has  only  to  turn  it,'  said  the  old  woman. 

"  'A  little  sharp  jerk,'  said  the  old  man. 

"  'Not  too  strong,'  said  the  young  man. 

"  'One  jerk !  houp !  my  dear/  said  I. 

"  'If  you  all  speak  at  once  I  shall  never  dare ;  besides,  it  is 
very  heavy,  you  know — ' 

"  'One  sharp  little  jerk—' 

"  'But  I  cannot — it  will  all  go  into  the  fire — oh !' 

"In  the  heat  of  the  action  her  hood  had  fallen ;  she  was  red 
as  a  peach,  her  eyes  glistened,  and  in  spite  of  her  anxiety  she 
burst  out  laughing.  At  last,  after  a  supreme  effort,  the  frying 
pan  executed  a  rapid  movement  and  the  omelet  rolled,  a  little 
heavily  I  must  confess,  on  the  large  plate  which  the  old  woman 
held. 

"Never  was  there  a  finer  looking  omelet." 

"This  is  an  excellent  description,"  says  Mrs.  Sherwood,  "of 
the  dish  which  is  made  for  you  at  every  little  cabaret  in  France, 
as  well  as  at  the  best  hotels.  That  dexterous  turn  of  the  wrist 
by  which  the  omelet  is  turned  over  is,  however,  hard  to  reach. 
Let  any  lady  try  it.  I  have  been  taken  into  the  kitchen  in  a 
hotel  in  the  Riviera  to  see  a  cook  who  was  so  dexterous  as 
to  turn  the  frying  pan  over  entirely,  without  spilling  the 
omelet." 

The  breakfasts  of  our  neighbors  over  the  border,  in  the 
Dominion  of  Canada,  are  marvels  of  piquant  and  satisfying 
cookery.  The  bacon  crisped  to  perfection,  the  eggs  boiled  to 
a  turn,  soft,  hard,  or  medium  as  one  asks,  usually  on  the  table 
over  an  alcohol  lamp,  the  golden-brown  toast,  the  fragrant  tea 
or  ambrosial  coffee,  and  the  dish  of  marmalade  or  honey,  never 
forgotten,  make  a  Canadian  breakfast  a  joy.  It  is  more  in- 
formal than  ours,  and  people  come  when  they  are  ready  and 
help  themselves.  In  a  country  house  which  was  in  its  way  a 


184  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

delightful  Liberty  Hall,  I  never,  during  a  fortnight's  visit, 
saw  my  hostess  at  the  breakfast  table.  It  was  her  custom  to 
breakfast  in  her  room,  and  some  of  the  guests  at  her  house 
party  did  the  same.  Her  daughter,  however,  prettily  dressed, 
was  sure  to  preside  and  give  a  morning  greeting  to  those  who 
sat  down  with  her. 

Shall  we  have  a  word  of  caution  about 

GOOD  MANNERS  AND  THE  MORNING  TOILETTE 

It  seems  hardly  necessary  to  say  to  an  American  lady  that 
she  should  be  neatly  dressed  at  breakfast.  The  pretty  white 
morning  dresses  which  are  worn  in  America  are  rarely  seen 
in  Europe,  because  of  the  difference  of  climate.  In  England 
elderly  ladies  and  young  married  women  sometimes  appear  in 
very  smart  tea  gowns  of  dark  silk  over  a  color;  but  almost 
always  the  young  ladies  come  in  the  yachting  or  tennis  dresses 
which  they  will  wear  until  dinner  time,  and  almost  always,  in 
summer,  in  hats.  In  America,  the  variety  of  morning  dresses 
is  endless,  of  which  the  dark  jacket  over  a  white  vest,  the 
serviceable  merino,  the  flannel,  the  dark  foulards,  are  favorites. 

In  summer  thin  lawns,  percales,  Marseilles  suits,  calicos, 
and  ginghams  can  be  so  prettily  made  as  to  rival  all  the  other 
costumes  for  coquetry  and  grace. 

"Still  to  be  neat,  still  to  be  drest 
As  she  were  going  to  a  feast," 

such  should  be  the  breakfast  dress  of  the  young  matron.  It 
need  not  be  fine;  it  need  not  be  expensive,  but  it  should  be 
neat  and  becoming.  The  hair  should  be  carefully  arranged, 
and  the  feet  either  in  good,  stout  shoes  for  the  subsequent 
walk,  or  in  the  natty  stocking  and  well-fitting  slipper,  which 
has  moved  the  poet  to  such  feeling  verses. 


GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST  185 

Mrs.  Sherwood,  speaking  of  English  fashions,  tells  us  that 
it  is  a  happy-go-lucky  meal,  the  breakfast  of  our  cousins  in 
what  Hawthorne  calls  "the  old  home." 

For  sending  breakfasts  to  rooms,  trays  are  prepared  with 
teapot,  sugar,  and  cream,  a  plate  of  toast,  eggs  boiled,  with 
cup,  spoon,,  salt  and  pepper,  a  little  pat  of  butter,  and  if  de- 
sired a  plate  of  chops  or  chicken,  plates,  knives,  forks,  and 
napkins.  For  an  English  country  house  the  supply  of  break- 
fast trays  is  like  that  of  a  hotel.  The  pretty  little  Satsuma 
sets  of  small  teapot^  cream  jug,  and  sugar  bowl,  are  favorites. 

When  breakfast  is  served  in  the  dining  room  a  white  cloth 
is  generally  laid,  although  some  ladies  prefer  variously  colored 
linen,  with  napkins  to  match.  A  vase  of  flowers  or  a  dish  of 
fruit  should  be  placed  in  the  center.  The  table  is  then  set  as 
for  dinner,  with  smaller  plates,  and  all  sorts  of  pretty  china, 
like  an  egg  dish  with  a  hen  sitting  contentedly,  a  butter  plate 
with  a  recumbent  cow,  a  sardine  fish  with  fishes  in  Majolica — 
in  fact,  any  suggestive  fancy.  Hot  plates  for  a  winter  break- 
fast in  a  plate-warmer  near  the  table  add  much  to  the  comfort. 

Finger  bowls  with  napkins  under  them  should  be  placed  on 
the  sideboard  and  handed  to  the  guest  with  the  fruit.  It  is 
a  matter  of  taste  as  to  whether  fruit  precedes  or  finishes  the 
breakfast;  and  the  servant  must  watch  the  decision  of  the 
guest. 

It  goes  without  saying  that  in  our  country  the  lady  of  the 
house  must  give  her  personal  attention  to  every  meal,  unless 
she  be  of  great  wealth  and  can  employ  a  competent  house- 
keeper. This  happens  seldom. 

Most  of  us  get  on  very  comfortably  with  one  maid.  A  good 
many  of  us  have  none.  So  we  must  attend  to  our  own  cooking. 

But  we  need  never  grow  fretted  and  irritable  over  it.  Far 
better  a  dinner  of  herbs,  as  the  Scripture  has  it,  or  a  dinner  of 


i86  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

shredded  wheat,  or  Indian  meal  porridge,  fried  ham  and  eggs, 
and  fruit,  than  a  grand  dinner  that  has  worn  us  to  the  very 
last  mite  of  our  endurance. 

Never  does  the  well-mannered  boy,  the  polite  daughter,  the 
considerate  husband  complain  at  a  meal.  Far  be  it  from  John, 
if  he  is  a  gentleman,  to  insinuate  to  Mary  that  mother's  pies 
were  superior  to  hers,  that  mother's  gingerbread  had  a  more 
toothsome  flavor,  or  mother's  dinners  were  more  savory. 

GOOD  MANNERS  AT  DINNER 

when  dinner  is  just  our  home  meal,  require  that  there  be  no 
squabbles,  no  quarrels,  no  finding  a  flaw  in  anything  from 
soup  to  dessert. 

GRACE  AT  A  MEAL 

should  be  said  by  the  father ;  if  he  is  reluctant  to  perform  this 
simple  rite,  by  the  mother,  or  by  any  child.  Here  are  some 
familiar  forms: 

"Bless,  O  Lord,  we  beseech  thee,  this  food  to  our  use  and 
us  to  Thy  service.  For  Christ's  sake.  Amen." 

"We  ask  Thy  blessing  on  our  food,  and  return  Thee,  O 
Father,  our  hearty  thanks  for  these  and  all  Thy  mercies. 
Amen." 

An  old  form  of  grace  runs  in  this  quaint  fashion : 

"Some  hae  meat  and  cannot  eat, 
Some  can  eat  and  hae  nae  meat. 
We  hae  meat,  an'  we  can  eat, 
May  the  Lord  be  thanket." 

DESSERTS  FOR  EVERY  DAY 

A  simple  pudding,  or  pie  followed  by  grapes  and  peaches, 
with  the  cup  of  black  coffee  afterward,  is  the  national  des- 
sert of  our  United  States.  In  winter  it  may  be  enriched  by 


GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST  187 

a  Newtown  pippin  or  a  King  of  Tompkins  County  apple,  some 
boiled  chestnuts  and  a  few  other  nuts,  some  Florida  oranges, 
or  those  delicious  little  mandarins,  perhaps  raised  by  the  im- 
mortal Rip  Van  Winkle,  our  own  Joe  Jefferson,  on  his  Lou- 
isiana estate.  He  seems  to  have  infused  them  with  the  flavor 
of  his  own  rare  and  cheerful  genius.  He  has  raised  a  laugh 
before  this,  as  well  as  the  best  mandarin  oranges.  Some  dys- 
peptics declare  that  to  chew  seven  roasted  almonds  after  dinner 
does  them  good. 

An  orange  custard  pudding  always  pleases,  and  is  easily 
made.  Boil  a  pint  of  new  milk,  pour  it  upon  three  eggs  lightly 
beaten,  mix  in  the  grated  peel  of  an  orange,  and  two  ounces 
of  loaf  sugar ;  beat  all  together  for  ten  minutes,  then  pour  the 
custard  into  a  pie  dish,  set  it  into  another  containing  a  little 
water,  and  put  it  in  a  moderate  oven.  When  the  custard  is 
set,  which  generally  takes  about  half  an  hour,  take  it  out  and 
let  it  get  cold.  Then  sprinkle  over  rather  thickly  some  very 
fine  sugar,  and  brown  with  a  salamander.  This  should  be 
eaten  cold. 

A  fruit  surprise,  consisting  of  oranges,  figs,  bananas,  and 
pineapples  cut  in  dice,  set  for  hours  in  the  ice  box  and  served 
with  whipped  cream,  is  a  great  favorite.  Rice  and  tapioca 
puddings  never  grow  monotonous  in  well-regulated  families. 

A  WORD  TO  THE  CARVER 

Every  gentleman  should  know  how  to  carve,  and  indeed  the 
art  is  one  that  does  not  come  amiss  to  a  lady,  as  she  must 
sometimes  officiate  as  the  carver. 

"In  carving  a  sirloin  of  beef  the  upper  cuts  should  be  made 
lengthwise  of  the  beef,  while  the  under  cuts  are  crosswise — 
the  under  cuts  being  also  much  thicker  than  the  upper  cuts. 
As  there  is  much  difference  of  opinion  as  to  which  is  the 


i88  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

choicest  piece,  it  is  best  for  the  carver  to  ask  his  guests  which' 
cut  they  prefer. 

"Rib  roasts,  rolled,  and  a  round  of  beef  are  always  cut  in 
very  thin  horizontal  slices  across  the  whole  surface  of  the 
meat.  It  is  essential,  though,  that  these  slices  be  quite  thin. 

"The  leg,  the  loin,  the  shoulder,  and  the  saddle  are  the  four 
pieces  of  mutton  usually  brought  to  the  table  to  be  carved. 
First  as  to  the  leg :  This  must  be  placed  on  the  table  with  the 
knuckle  to  the  left  hand.  Then  cut  into  the  side  farthest  from 
you  toward  the  bone,  helping  thin  slices  from  the  right  and 
thick  slices  toward  the  knuckle.  Always  divide  the  little  bunch 
of  fat  near  the  thick  end  among  your  guests,  as  it  is  a  great 
delicacy. 

"A  saddle  of  mutton  is  often  ordered  for  a  small  dinner 
party.  It  is  cut  in  very  thin  slices,  close  to  the  backbone,  and 
then  downward. 

"Place  a  'shoulder'  with  the  knuckle  toward  the  right  hand, 
the  blade  bone  toward  the  left.  Place  your  fork  firmly  in  the 
middle  of  the  edge  farthest  from  you,  and  cut  dexterously  from 
the  edge  to  the  bone.  This  causes  the  meat  to  fly  open,  when 
you  can  cut  slices  on  each  side  of  the  opening,  until  there  is 
no  more  to  cut,  when  the  meat  should  be  turned  over  and  slices 
cut  from  the  under  side.  Another  method  of  carving  this  joint 
is  to  cut  slices  lengthwise  from  the  end  to  the  knuckle. 

"The  loin  of  mutton,  which  is  a  piece  intended  specially  for 
family  use,  should  be  carved  either  through  the  joints,  or  may 
be  cut  lengthwise  in  a  parallel  line  with  the  joints. 

"A  fillet  of  veal  is,  in  shape  and  appearance,  very  similar  to 
a  round  of  beef,  and  is  carved  in  the  same  way  by  cutting 
horizontal  slices  over  the  whole  surface  of  the  meat.  The 
slices,  however,  should  not  be  nearly  so  thin  as  beef.  A  fillet 
of  veal  is  cut  from  the  leg,  the  bone  is  removed  by  the  butcher, 


GOOD  MANNERS  AT  BREAKFAST  189 

and  the  pocket  thus  made  is  filled  with  dressing,  which  is  taken 
out  and  helped  with  a  spoon  by  the  carver. 

"A  breast  of  veal  may  be  either  roasted  or  stewed.  If  used 
as  a  roasting-piece,  you  will  have  the  butcher  make  an  opening 
or  hole  in  it  for  the  reception  of  the  dressing.  In  carving  it 
the  ribs  may  be  separated  from  the  brisket  and  sent  around. 

"A  forequarter  of  lamb  consists  of  shoulder.,  breast,  and  ribs. 
The  knife  must  be  first  placed  upon  the  shoulder,  drawn 
through  horizontally,  and  the  joint  removed  and  placed  upon 
another  dish.  The  ribs  can  then  be  separated,  and  the  breast 
sliced  and  sent  around. 

"A  calf's  head,  which  is  by  some  considered  a  delicacy,  must 
be  cut  down  the  center  in  thin  slices  on  each  side.  A  small 
piece  of  the  palate,  of  the  sweetbread,  and  of  the  meat  around 
the  eye  must  be  put  on  each  plate  and  sent  around. 

"In  carving  a  haunch  of  venison,  make  a  cut  across  the 
knuckle,  after  which  cut  slices  by  making  straight  incisions 
lengthwise. 

"There  are  three  methods  allowed  in  carving  a  ham.  The 
most  common  one  probably  is  to  cut  it  like  a  leg  of  mutton, 
beginning  in  the  middle,  and  cutting  either  way.  You  may, 
however,  begin  at  the  knuckle,  cutting  slices  in  a  slanting 
direction,  or  you  may  begin  at  the  thick  end.  The  slices  must 
always  be  as  thin  and  delicate  as  possible,  and  are  the  usual 
accompaniment  to  fowl  or  veal. 

"Tongue  must  always  be  cut  in  thin,  regular  slices.  Make 
the  first  a  short  distance  from  the  tip,  where  a  slice  of  some 
size  may  be  attained.  The  tip  is  considered  quite  a  tidbit  by 
some  people. 

"In  carving  a  chicken,  first  cut  off  the  wings.  This  is  easily 
done  by  learning  where  to  strike  the  joint.  Then  slice  the  breast, 
and  cut  off  the  merry-thought  and  side  bones.  The  breast 


190  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

should  always  be  helped  first,  then  the  wings — the  liver  wing 
being  the  better  of  the  two.  It  is  better  to  always  reserve  a 
small  slice  of  the  white  meat  to  be  served  with  the  dark. 

"Pigeon,  snipe,  and  quail  are  cut  in  half,  and  a  piece  sent 
to  each  guest.  When  the  birds  are  small  you  send  a  whole  one. 

"Goose  and  turkey  are  helped  by  cutting  slices  of  the  breast, 
and  then  the  wings  and  legs  are  removed.  The  breast  is  con- 
sidered the  best  meat,  after  that  the  wings. 

"Boiled  rabbits  are  carved  thus :  First  cut  off  the  legs,  then 
take  out  the  shoulders  with  a  sharp-pointed  knife,  then  break 
the  back  into  three  or  four  pieces  at  the  joint.  The  back  is 
the  choice  help,  especially  the  piece  in  the  center.  The  shoulder 
is  next  in  order  after  the  back,  and  the  legs  come  last.  The 
kidney  is  a  delicate  bit. 

"For  cutting  fish  a  regular  fish-slice  is  provided.  Salmon 
and  all  fish  of  that  order  are  cut  in  slices  down  the  middle  of 
the  upper  side,  and  then  in  slices  across  on  the  under  side.  A 
piece  of  each  should  be  helped  to  all. 

"Mackerel  divides  among  four  people.  Pass  the  fish-knife 
between  the  upper  and  under  half  from  head  to  tail,  then  halve 
each  side,  and  help  to  a  quarter. 

"Cut  cod  crosswise  like  salmon,  then  downward,  and  send  a 
small  piece  around  on  each  plate  as  well. 

"Large  flat  fish,  as  turbot,  flounders,  John  Dorey,  etc.,  are 
first  cut  down  from  the  middle  from  head  to  tail,  then  across 
to  the  fin,  in  slices.  The  fin,  being  considered  a  delicacy  by 
some,  should  be  helped,  too. 

"Small  fish,  like  smelts,  whiting,  etc.,  are  sent  whole  to  each 
guest." 


XII 
THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD 

WHETHER  or  not  you  have  frequent  use  for  visiting  cards 
depends  more  or  less  on  where  you  live.  If  your  home  happen 
to  be  on  a  ranch  a  dozen  miles  from  everywhere  else,  or  in  a 
lonely  spot  where  neighbors  are  remote,  you  will  not  often 
require  a  visiting  card.  If,  on  the  contrary,  you  reside  in 
town,  where  people  live  a  long  distance  from  one  another,  and 
if  you  are  much  in  what  is  called  society,  visiting  cards  will 
be  indispensable  to  your  comfort. 

These  little  pieces  of  pasteboard  with  the  names  and  ad- 
dresses of  their  owners  engraved  upon  them  are  convenient 
arrangements  for  facilitating  social  intercourse,  and  a  person 
accustomed  to  their  use  would  hardly  know  how  to  get  on  with- 
out them.  For  instance,  in  making  calls  one  carries  her  visit- 
ing cards,  which  she  leaves  at  the  doors  of  her  friends  whether 
she  finds  them  at  home  or  not.  If  they  are  at  home  they  con- 
vey to  her  the  name  of  the  friend  who  has  been  so  kind  as  to 
call  upon  her,  and  if  she  is  out  her  first  glance  on  returning  is 
at  the  cards  that  have  been  left,  so  that  she  may  know  the 
names  of  her  visiting  friends  and  repay  their  calls  in  due  time. 

When  sending  flowers  by  way  of  Easter  or  Christmas  pres- 
ents, or  to  the  sick  or  to  those  in  sorrow,  one  usually  adds 
one's  visiting  card.  If  presents  of  any  kind  are  given  one's 
card  naturally  accompanies  them.  Some  loving  greeting  or 
message  of  a  personal  nature  is  often  added,  though  the  card 
alone  is  a  message. 


192  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

The  day  that  the  little  maid  or  the  little  man  arrives  at  the 
'dignity  of  a  visiting  card  of  her  or  his  own  is  a  red-letter  day 
in  the  youth's  existence ;  although,  to  be  sure,  there  are  some 
fortunate  babies  whose  cards  are  sent  out  by  proud  parents 
as  soon  as  the  little  strangers  appear  in  the  land.  Theirs  are 
the  tiniest  and  daintiest  cards,  fit  for  fairies ! 

SIZE  OF  THE  CARD 

There  is  no  fixed  rule  about  the  size  of  the  visiting  card.  A 
lady's  card  usually  measures  two  and  seven  eighths  inches  in 
length  and  two  and  one  eighth  inches  in  width.  A  smaller 
card  than  this  is  chosen  by  some  young  ladies  who  like  to  use 
a  small  square  card.  A  man's  card  is  always  very  small.  Cards 
bearing  the  name  of  wife  and  husband,  of  a  mother  and  daugh- 
ter, or  of  a  mother  and  several  daughters  are  necessarily  larger, 
and  these  may  measure  three  and  one  half  inches  in  length 
by  two  and  one  half  in  width.  Pure  white  unglazed  bristol 
board,  not  too  thin,  is  the  approved  material  at  present  for  vis- 
iting cards.  No  ornament  or  decoration  is  permissible  on  a 
visiting  card.  It  must  bear  the  owner's  name  and  address; 
and  if  a  lady's  card,  and  she  wishes,  it  may  have  upon  it  also 
the  name  and  hours  of  her  visiting  day. 

A  good  plan  is  to  order  one's  visiting  cards  from  the  most 
approved  and  fashionable  stationer  in  one's  city,  asking  him  to 
display  styles  and  sizes,  and  then  choose  the  lettering  pre- 
ferred. The  expense  of  making  the  die  is  the  only  special  ex- 
pense involved.  It  costs  from  two  to  three  dollars  for  this, 
after  which,  as  often  as  a  new  supply  is  necessary,  visiting 
cards  may  be  furnished  at  seventy-five  cents  or  a  dollar  a  hun- 
dred. The  die  is  left  with  the  stationer,  and  the  lady  orders 
her  cards,  or  the  gentleman  his,  when  the  supply  is  exhausted. 
The  lettering  may  be  done  in  block,  script,  or  old  English,  or 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  193 

in  any  style  the  owner  chooses.  Sometimes  a  facsimile  of  the 
bearer's  handwriting  is  made,  but  this  is  regarded  as  an  affecta- 
tion and  is  not  recommended.  Eccentricities  are  to  be  avoided 
in  cards  and  in  stationery. 

A  man's  visiting  card  is,  as  has  been  said,  very  small  and  in 
very  severe  style.  A  man  never  allows  his  business  to  appear 
on  hfs  visiting  card  unless  he  is  a  minister  or  a  doctor,  in 
which  case  his  profession  may  be  indicated  as  Rev.  John 
Francis  Dayton,  or  Herbert  Brown,  M.D. 

A  woman  must  always  prefix  Mrs.  or  Miss  to  her  name.  No 
matter  how  great  her  husband's  dignity,  she  cannot  indicate 
that  upon  her  card.  He  may  be  the  most  noted  military  officer 
of  the  day,  a  famous  explorer,  a  distinguished  statesman,  or 
even  the  President  of  the  United  States,  but  she  must  simply 
on  her  card  announce  herself  as  Mrs.  John  Smith  or  Mrs. 
Arthur  Jones. 

A  professional  woman  does  not  use  her  professional  title  on 
her  card.  She  is  not  Dr.  Mary  James,  but  Miss  Mary  or  Mrs. 
John  James  as  may  be. 

Middle  initials  are  not  now  fashionable.  A  woman  prefers 
to  have  her  husband's  full  name  engraved  on  her  visiting  card. 
Mrs.  Clarence  Alfred  White,  not  Mrs.  Clarence  A.  White,  is 
in  accordance  with  good  taste,  or,  is  she  unmarried,  Miss  Jane 
Louise  White,  not  Miss  Jane  L.  White. 

A  widow  retains  on  her  card  the  Christian  name  of  her  hus- 
band as  well  as  his  surname,  if  this  is  her  choice.  Thus  she 
is  Mrs.  Herbert  Payne,  as  she  was  during  her  husband's  life- 
time ;  although  if  she  wish  to  do  so  she  may  drop  this  style  and 
use  simply  Mrs.  Mary  Payne,  her  own  Christian  name  and 
surname. 

Where  there  are  several  ladies  in  a  family  bearing  the  same 
name  it  is  usual  for  the  one  of  greatest  age  and  dignity  to  have 


194  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

her  card  engraved  simply  Mrs.  Brown,  the  others  being  Mrs. 
Paul,  Mrs.  Joseph,  and  Mrs.  Samuel  Brown  respectively. 

If  a  woman  has  been  legally  separated  from  her  husband  she 
may  use  upon  her  card  her  own  maiden  name  with  his  sur- 
name as  Mrs.  Doremus  Tilford  instead  of  Mrs.  John  Tilford, 
which  she  formerly  used,  or  she  may  entirely  drop  any  prefix 
except  Mrs.  and  have  engraved  Mrs.  Tilford. 

A  very  young  girl  has  her  card  engraved  Marion  Brown  or 
Alice  Day;  a  youth  also  has  his  card  simply  George  Chester 
or  John  Wise,  omitting  Mr.  The  oldest  daughter  of  the  family 
is  Miss  Brown  or  Miss  Jones.  The  younger  sisters  use  their 
Christian  names  with  the  surname. 

Should  a  day  at  home  be  signified  on  a  lady's  card  it  would 
appear  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner,  as,  "Mondays  after  three 
o'clock,"  "First  Wednesdays  in  January  and  February,"  or 
"Mondays  until  Easter." 

ETIQUETTE  AT  CALLS 

Should  one  call  at  a  house  and  the  door  be  opened  by  a 
member  of  the  family  the  caller  does  not  present  her  card  to  the 
lady  or  gentleman,  but  simply  steps  in,  asking  for  the  person 
she  wishes  to  see.  She  may  then  leave  her  card  unobtrusively 
on  a  table  when  withdrawing.  If  a  maid  open  the  door  the 
card  is  handed  to  her,  and  received  on  a  small  tray.  No  well- 
trained  maid  ever  extends  her  hand  to  take  a  visiting  card.  If 
a  caller  chooses  to  be  very  formal  she  leaves  a  card  for  every 
lady  in  the  family  on  whom  she  wishes  to  call,  but  this  is  rather 
an  extravagant  use  of  visiting  cards  and  is  not  done  when 
calling  on  intimate  friends.  It  is  not  necessary  to  scatter  one's 
visiting  cards  about  like  snowflakes  in  winter  or  autumn  leaves 
in  the  fall. 

The  bending  of  visiting  cards,  creasing  them  at  corners, 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  195 

doubling  them,  etc.,  is  no  longer  considered  good  form.  A 
married  woman  making  a  first  call  upon  a  married  friend  sends 
one  of  her  own  and  two  of  her  husband's  cards  to  her  new 
acquaintances.  Wives  usually  do  duty  for  their  husbands,  so 
far  as  the  visiting  list  of  the  family  is  concerned.  Most  men 
yery  much  dislike  to  make  calls,  and  shirk  the  obligation  when- 
ever they  decently  can.  A  man  who  makes  calls  willingly  is 
a  saint. 

In  the  beginning  of  the  season  a  wife  always  leaves  her 
husband's  cards  with  her  own,  and  she  usually  repeats  this 
performance  when  making  a  call  at  the  close  of  the  season. 

An  unmarried  woman  calling  on  a  married  friend  leaves 
only  one  card. 

If  a  friend  has  daughters,  or  is  entertaining  a  guest,  a  card 
may  separately  be  left  for  each  of  them. 

If  one  is  not  able  to  attend  a  reception  or  an  At  Home  she 
sends  her  cards  on  the  proper  day,  and  if  more  than  one  lady's 
name  has  appeared  on  her  invitation  she  incloses  in  a  small 
envelope,  just  fitting  the  card,  a  card  for  each  lady.  It  is  not 
regarded  as  necessary  that  she  shall  write  anything  on  her 
card,  but  in  the  case  of  an  intimate  friend  a  kind  message  is 
often  sent. 

SOCIAL  CALLS  FOR  MEN 

A  writer  in  Correct  Social  Usage  gives  the  following  direc- 
tions with  regard  to  the  calling  of  men : 

"A  man  never  carries  or  leaves  the  cards  of  any  other  man, 
nor  can  he  assume  any  of  the  responsibilities  or  etiquette  re- 
lating to  the  cards  of  any  of  his  feminine  relatives  or  friends. 
Men  never  presumed  to  crease  or  bend  their  cards  when  such 
habits  were  the  fashion,  and  they  do  not  do  so  to-day.  A 
gentleman  who  calls  on  a  lady's  afternoon  at  home  leaves  in 
the  card  tray,  on  entering  the  house,  one  card  for  the  hostess 


196  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

and  one  for  the  host.  This  card  for  his  host  must  be  forth- 
coming whether  that  gentleman  appears  in  the  drawing-room 
or  not,  provided  the  caller  enjoys  his  acquaintance  and  pro- 
viding he  is  calling  in  acknowledgment  of  some  hospitality  re- 
cently received.  If  there  is  a  host,  hostess,  and  young  lady 
daughter  in  the  house,  and  the  caller  is  a  friend  of  the  latter, 
he  leaves  three  cards. 

"The  man  who  is  making  his  first  or  last  call  for  the  season, 
on  a  regular  afternoon  at  home,  leaves  one  card  for  each  one 
of  the  ladies  and  each  one  of  the  men  of  the  household  whose 
acquaintance  he  can  claim.  When  a  man  calls,  on  a  lady's 
day  at  home,  and  his  call  has  no  reference  to  any  social  debts 
or  obligations,  he  leaves  only  one  card  in  the  tray ;  or  if  he  is 
somewhat  intimate  at  the  house  where  a  call  is  paid  he  leaves 
no  card  at  all. 

"Busy  men  pay  few  calls,  and  satisfy  their  hostesses  and 
their  own  consciences  by  giving  the  duty  of  card-leaving  into 
the  hands  of  an  obliging  feminine  relative. 

"Married  men  quite  justifiably  delegate  to  their  wives  all 
the  card-leaving  requisite  as  social  obligations,  but  single  men 
should  not  push  this  privilege  too  far.  A  good-natured  mother 
or  sister  may  gladly  leave  the  cards  of  an  office-tied  son  or 
brother  on  the  hostess  whose  hospitality  they  enjoy  in  common. 
A  popular  young  man,  however,  is  frequently  entertained  by 
hostesses  who  are  not  on  his  mother's  or  sister's  visiting  list, 
and  a  kindly  and  careful  hostess  demands  calls  in  return  for 
her  dinner  invitations." 

CABALISTIC  LETTERS 

Occasionally  one  receives  a  card  on  which  the  letters  P.  P.  C. 
have  been  written.  As  everyone  knows,  these  letters  mean,  To 
take  leave — Pour  prendre  conge.  A  person  going  away  for  a 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  197 

long  absence,  going  abroad,  or  about  to  change  one's  resi- 
dence, leaves  cards  upon  all  her  friends  with  these  letters 
written  thereon.  Such  cards  are  not  used  by  people  who  are 
going  away  for  only  a  short  absence. 

The  letters  P.  F.  on  a  card  signify  Pour  felicitation.  These 
letters  are  sometimes  used  when  a  person  wishes  to  send 
congratulations  after  a  wedding  or  after  the  birth  of  a  child  or 
any  other  happy  event. 

R.  S.  V.  P.,  letters  frequently  appearing  on  invitations,  are 
not  usually  written  upon  visiting  cards.  Their  meaning  is, 
"Answer,  if  you  please,"  and  whenever  invitations  bear  these 
letters  a  reply  is  required,  with  the  least  possible  delay. 

ENGAGED,  OR  NOT  AT  HOME 

What  shall  one  do  who  is  in  the  house  but  who  does  not 
desire,  or  is  too  much  occupied,  to  meet  a  friend  at  just  that 
particular  time?  My  own  positive  conviction  on  the  subject 
is  that  one  should  send  word  to  the  caller  that  she  very  much 
regrets  being  so  much  engaged  that  she  cannot  give  herself 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  her  friend  that  day;  that  she  hopes 
she  will  excuse  her  and  call  again  soon.  There  are  often  rea- 
sons why  a  person  cannot  leave  what  she  is  doing  at  the  mo- 
ment to  receive  her  friend.  She  may  be  busy  with  the  dress- 
maker, in  the  middle  of  a  fitting.  She  may  be  lying  down 
with  a  headache,  in  which  case  she  could  plead  indisposition. 
She  may  be  finishing  a  letter  which  must  go  by  the  next  mail, 
or  any  one  of  a  half  dozen  household  employments  may  so  de- 
tain her  that  she  cannot  receive  her  caller.  No  sensible  person 
is  offended  when  told  that  her  friend  is  engaged;  she  under- 
stands it  and  accepts  the  situation. 

In  society  to-day  it  is  considered  the  proper  thing  to  say 
that  one  is  not  at  home,  it  being  understood  that  this  polite 


198  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

fiction  signifies  just  the  same  as  "engaged,"  but  is  less  rude 
and  does  not  convey  anything  which  may  cause  a  wound. 
Persons  who  use  this  form  claim  that  it  is  entirely  truthful  and 
candid,  and  it  is  very  much  in  vogue  at  present. 

Amusing  infelicities  occur  from  its  use.  I  once  went  by 
invitation  to  spend  a  night  with  a  friend  with  whom  I  was  to 
dine.  It  was  understood  that  I  would  arrive  somewhat  early 
in  the  afternoon.  On  reaching  the  house  the  maid  barred  my 
entrance,  saying,  very  positively,  "The  ladies  are  not  at  home." 

"O,"  said  I,  "that  makes  no  difference  at  all.  I  will  go  in 
and  wait  until  they  return.  I  have  come  to  spend  the  night." 
A  smile  overspread  her  face,  and  she  opened  wide  the  door. 
"O,"  she  said,  "come  in,  come  in;  the  ladies  are  just  taking 
a  nap." 

I  do  not  think  it  right  to  tamper  with  the  consciences  of 
servants  or  young  people  who  cannot  possibly  understand  the 
nice  distinctions  which  society  make  between  the  expressions 
"Not  at  home"  and  "Engaged." 

NEW  YEAR'S  CALLS 

A  generation  or  so  ago  it  was  customary  in  New  York  city 
for  gentlemen  to  call  upon  ladies  on  New  Year's  Day.  It  was 
a  good  old  Knickerbocker  custom  which  has  now  fallen  into 
desuetude,  as  the  city  has  grown  larger  and  lost  its  original 
character,  which  was  derived  from  the  Dutch.  Before  it  ceased 
to  be  the  fashion  the  pretty  custom  grew  somewhat  of  a  bur- 
den, as,  instead  of  being  limited  to  one's  own  friends,  large 
and  convivial  parties  of  gentlemen  sometimes  called,  and  the 
custom  was  profaned  by  the  entrance  of  indifferent  stran- 
gers into  many  a  home.  It  was,  however,  a  beautiful  thing 
to  do,  and  we  have  some  hope  that  it  may  be  revived,  and  that 
we  may  again  have  the  pleasure  of  looking  for  the  first  foot 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  199 

over  the  threshold  and  expecting  that  it  will  bring  good  luck 
to  the  household  for  the  year. 

The  first  foot  over  the  threshold 

In  the  new  year's  dawning  gray 
Means  woe  or  weal  to  the  household — 

So  the  wise  old  people  say. 
Now  who  to  my  door  is  coming — 

Stranger,  or  kith  and  kin? 
Pray  God  it  be  no  foe  of  the  clan, 

To  bring  the  ill  luck  in. 

I  am  fain  for  the  step  of  the  baby, 

The  little  foot  that  sways 
Like  a  wind-tossed  flower  in  the  sunshine, 

In  the  grace  of  early  days ; 
Or  the  step  of  the  dear  grandmother, 

Who  has  walked  with  God  so  long 
That  thoughts  of  heaven  within  her 

Like  the  echoes  of  angels  throng. 

But,  Lord  of  our  generations, 

Keep  off  the  furtive  tread 
Of  the  evil  and  the  alien, 

The  step  our  chilled  hearts  dread. 
Let  the  first  foot  over  our  threshold, 

In  the  dawn  of  the  glad  new  year, 
Bring  us  much  to  hold  and  to  cherish, 

And  nothing  to  hate  and  fear. 

HOW  SOON  MUST  ONE  RETURN  A  FIRST  CALL? 

The  rule  about  returning  first  calls  is  that  the  return  call 
should  be  made  during  the  next  fortnight.  In  suburban  towns 
calling  is  a  very  general  occupation.  In  larger  cities  the  dis- 
tances are  so  great  that  unless  one  takes  a  carriage  and  makes 
a  business  of  it  it  is  difficult  for  her  to  call  upon  friends  with 


2OO  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ease,  the  street  cars  being  so  crowded  that  they  work  havoc 
with  a  beautiful  toilette.  As  many  people  cannot  afford  a  car- 
riage at  city  prices,  the  custom  of  casual  calling  is  falling 
more  and  more  into  a  tradition  in  large  towns. 

Neighbors  in  the  same  street  exchange  civilities  in  city  or 
country.  To  live  next  door  to  a  person  for  any  length  of 
time  and  not  know  her  name,  and  not  be  interested  at  all  in 
what  is  going  on  beneath  her  roof,  seems  most  unkind.  In 
villages  neighborly  friendliness  exists  to-day  as  it  always 
has  done,  and  there  is  very  little  of  the  formal  calling  which 
makes  our  visiting  list  and  address  book  a  necessity.  People  in 
old  villages  like  Mrs.  Deland's  old  Chester  run  in  to  call  either 
in  the  twilight  or  in  the  morning  after  breakfast,  or  at  any 
time  that  is  convenient.  This  running  in,  however,  has  its 
limitations.  If  a  lady  is  known  to  do  her  own  work  she  prob- 
ably requires  the  morning  for  this  purpose,  and  it  is  rather 
thoughtless  of  a  friend  to  loiter  and  use  up  a  precious  hour 
which  she  needs  for  her  cooking  or  her  housekeeping.  A 
minister's  wife  in  a  Southern  town  said  to  me  that  her  calls 
began  in  the  morning  about  nine  and  ended  in  the  evening 
about  ten ;  that  literally  all  day  long  people  were  calling  upon 
her,  and  that  she  did  not  care  to  risk  her  own  or  her  husband's 
popularity  by  ever  denying  herself  to  anyone.  In  consequence, 
her  health  and  good  spirits  were  prematurely  broken  by  the 
incessant  ebb  and  flow  of  the  world  through  her  open  doors, 
and  she  died  before  her  prime. 

In  most  places  the  calling  hours  are  in  the  afternoon  be- 
tween four  and  six,  or  in  the  evening  between  seven  and  nine, 
when  ladies  may  call  with  their  husbands. 

It  is  extremely  uncivil  to  keep  a  caller  waiting  while  one 
changes  every  detail  of  one's  dress.  If  it  be  necessary  to 
make  the  caller  wait,  it  is  well  to  send  word  by  the  maid  to 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  201 

that  effect,  and  provide  a  book  or  something  of  the  sort  which 
may  serve  to  amuse  the  guest  while  waiting.  Every  recep- 
tion room  and  parlor  or  living  room  should  have  a  few  maga- 
zines or  volumes  of  short  stories  lying  about  which  may  serve 
to  entertain  people  who  have  to  wait  a  few  minutes  for  the 
lady  of  the  house. 

CALLS  AND  CALLING 

Calls  are  as  to  visits  as  small  change  to  a  twenty-dollar  bill. 
A  call  is  a  polite  attention,  a  proof  that  one's  acquaintance 
is  prized,  a  token  that  one  is  not  a  cynic  but  a  genial  human 
being. 

We  should  make  calls  when  our  friends  are  prosperous  and 
happy,  when  they  have  had  a  piece  of  good  fortune,  when  they 
have  returned  from  a  trip,  when  they  have  had  good  news. 
Equally  when  people  are  in  trouble  of  mind,  body,  or  estate  we 
should  call  on  them  to  assure  them  of  sympathy.  To  stay 
away  when  there  is  a  cloud  of  anxiety  or  the  shock  of  be- 
reavement in  a  home  is  to  show  hardness  of  heart.  At  times, 
better  is  a  neighbor  that  is  near  than  a  brother  that  is  far  off. 

To  call  upon  the  sick,  that  we  may  inquire  for  them  if  they 
are  too  ill  to  receive  us,  and  to  cheer  them  up  if  they  are 
convalescent,  is  manifestly  a  Christian  duty.  Never  carry  a 
long  face  when  you  call  on  an  invalid. 

Never  talk  in  a  perfunctory  manner  when  you  call  at  a 
house  of  mourning.  Never  stay  too  long  in  any  call. 

If  a  second  caller  enters  while  your  are  still  calling,  remain 
a  few  minutes  and  then  take  leave.  The  second  caller  is  en- 
titled to  the  longer  stay.  Your  hostess  will  not  leave  the  draw- 
ing-room in  that  case,  but  continue  her  conversation  with  the 
newcomer. 

An  old-fashioned  hostess,  if  she  can,  accompanies  a  caller 


202  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

to  the  outer  door.  A  new-fashioned  hostess  seldom  goes 
beyond  the  door  of  the  parlor. 

I  like  the  old  way  better  than  the  new  myself ;  there  is  more 
heart  in  it.  But  a  caller  must  never  linger  and  chat  in  the 
draught  of  an  open  door.  It  may  make  serious  illness  to  her 
hostess. 

The  old-school  host  always  goes  to  the  door  with  a  friend, 
always  escorts  a  lady  to  the  outer  gate,  or  to  the  carriage,  and 
if  she  is  to  enter  a  near-by  street  car  sees  her  to  it  and  stops 
the  car  for  her,  standing  with  lifted  hat  until  she  is  within  it. 

A  clumsy  habit  of  some  people  is  to  make  a  long  call  stand- 
ing. Once  you  have  risen  to  go,  go.  To  loiter  still  chatting 
is  evidence  of  a  lack  of  familiarity  with  correct  social 
usage. 

It  is  not  good  form  to  make  apologies  for  the  lapse  of  time 
since  you  were  last  in  the  house. 

Should  your  friend  look  ill,  do  not  tell  her  so.  People  have 
been  gently  pushed  into  their  graves  by  overzealous  friends 
who  have  noticed  how  ill  they  look. 

Cling  to  your  own  notions  of  courtesy.  If  you  were  brought 
up  to  say  "Yes,  ma'am,"  and  "Yes,  sir,"  continue  the  habit, 
though  all  the  young  people  in  the  country  advise  you  to  the 
contrary. 

Do  not  fuss  about  a  man's  hat  and  stick.  Let  him  look  out 
for  them  himself.  A  man  must  struggle  into  his  own  coat 
unaided,  unless  another  man  is  there  to  assist  him.  A  lady 
does  not  help  him  with  this,  nor  should  he  expect  it. 

The  exception  is  in  the  case  of  a  very  old,  feeble,  or  crip- 
pled gentleman  who  is  to  be  assisted  by  his  hostess,  as  a 
matter  of  deference  to  age  and  infirmity. 

When  calling  on  a  friend  who  is  staying  with  a  lady  whom 
you  do  not  know,  it  is  proper  to  send  a  card  to  the  hostess  as 


THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  VISITING  CARD  203 

well  as  to  your  friend.  Invite  the  friend's  hostess  to  any 
festivity  in  the  friend's  honor  which  may  be  planned  by  you. 

Time  your  calls  on  anyone  so  that  you  do  not  interfere  with 
meals.  If  told  that  anyone  is  at  dinner,  leave  a  card  or  your 
name,  but  do  not  go  in,  unless  your  errand  is  extremely  urgent, 
or  your  intimacy  justifies  you  in  asking  that  you  may  wait 
until  dinner  is  over. 

Having  dined  with  a  friend,  make  your  dinner  call  within 
the  following  week. 


XHI 

MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE 

SOONER  or  later  the  dark  wing  of  the  angel  of  death  shad- 
ows every  household.  Sometimes  there  are  long  intervals  in 
family  history  when  the  circle  is  unbroken  by  death ;  children 
grow  from  babyhood  to  maturity,  parents  are  spared,  and  the 
solemn  chime  of  the  passing  bell  is  not  heard  in  that  home. 
Sometimes  those  who  enjoy  this  long  immunity  from  bereave- 
ment are  visited  in  quick  succession  by  the  loss  of  several 
members  of  the  family,  as  when  sisters  and  brothers  have  all 
grown  old  and  one  by  one  they  are  taken  away. 

As  Christians,  if  we  believe  in  immortality,  and  accept  with 
faith  and  conviction  the  words  of  our  Saviour,  "In  My 
Father's  house  are  many  mansions :  if  it  were  not  so,  I  would 
have  told  you,"  we  should  not  indulge  in  a  deep,  heartbreaking 
grief  which  often  wrecks  the  lives  of  those  who  are  left,  as 
well  as  shows  intense  anguish  and  profound  respect  to  the 
memory  of  the  dead. 

I  have  heard  a  woman  in  middle  life  say  that  for  years 
of  her  childhood  she  thought  that  her  mother  did  not  love  her 
because  the  mother's  grief  over  the  little  brother  who  had  died 
suddenly  was  so  profound  that  she  wrapped  herself  in  it  as 
in  a  garment,  and  had  no  thought  for  the  children  who  were 
left.  We  cannot  help  the  sadness  and  the  yearning  distress 
that  come  when  our  dear  ones  are  taken  away.  Inevitably  we 
miss  them,  and  each  death  of  a  near  relative  takes  away  some 
part  of  our  life.  The  daughter  never  gets  to  the  place  where 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      205 

she  does  not  want  her  mother,  and  the  mother  is  never  quite 
the  same  when  she  looks  at  the  vacant  chairs  of  her  children. 
But  heaven  will  make  up  for  the  losses  of  earth,  and  many  a 
time,  if  parents  only  knew  it,  they  might  be  thankful  for  the 
little  hands  folded  quietly  across  the  breast  and  the  little  coffins 
laid  low  under  the  daisies.  One  knows  that  the  little  ones  who 
are  safe  in  the  arms  of  Jesus  will  never  know  pain,  sorrow, 
humiliation,  temptation,  disgrace,  or  failure  to  arrive  at  their 
best  development.  One  does  not  know  this  of  the  children 
who  remain,  and  who  may  undergo  great  and  bitter  and 
crushing  sorrows  in  their  maturity. 

The  custom  of  wearing  mourning,  once  universal  in  this 
country,  is  now  much  modified.  Hundreds  of  families  are  not 
adopting  a  mourning  dress,  or  even  lessening  by  somberness 
their  accustomed  clothing  when  after  a  funeral  they  have  taken 
up  the  daily  routine. 

Undoubtedly  mourning  has  been  carried  to  far  too  extrav- 
agant an  extent  in  the  past,  and  the  custom  of  funeral  ob- 
servances of  an  expensive  order  and  the  wearing  of  deep  and 
costly  mourning  weigh  with  extreme  heaviness  on  the  very 
poor. 

A  woman  whom  I  well  knew  had  nursed  her  ailing  husband 
through  a  long  and  painful  illness,  supporting  him  and  her 
children  by  her  labors  as  a  laundress  during  the  months  that 
he  was  laid  aside.  He  finally  passed  away,  and  she  was  left 
in  her  tenement  home  with  four  little  ones  dependent  upon 
her,  and  a  very  small  life  insurance  which  came, to  her  at  his 
death.  She  used  up  almost  the  entire  amount  of  the  life  in- 
surance in  giving  John  a  magnificent  funeral,  and  purchasing 
for  her  and  her  children  the  deepest  mourning  garments  she 
could  find.  When  all  was  over  she  had  hardly  fifty  dollars 
left  of  the  modest  sum  which  should  have  stood  between  her 


206  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

and  the  wolf  at  the  door.  It  did  not  surprise  me  that  a  year 
or  so  later  she  herself  died  of  privation  and  poor  food,  and 
her  children  became  inmates  of  an  orphan  asylum.  The  very 
poorest  have  a  degree  of  pride  in  putting  the  best  foot  fore- 
most, and  making  a  brave  show,  which  is  not  known  to  people 
in  better  circumstances.  If  there  is  ever  a  reform  in  matters 
of  this  sort  it  must  begin  at  the  top;  it  will  not  begin  with 
those  who  are  badly  off  financially. 

Mourning  habiliments  are  a  great  protection  to  those  who 
wear  them  against  questions  and  remarks  which  may  be 
thoughtlessly  made  by  friends  who  have  not  heard  of  their 
bereavement.  A  widow's  dress  shows  to  the  world  that  the 
woman  has  been  bereaved  of  her  husband.  People  wearing 
mourning  are  not  expected  to  engage  for  some  months,  at  least, 
in  any  of  the  diversions  of  society,  and  are  expected  to  remain 
in  the  seclusion  which  is  most  comforting  to  grieving  hearts. 

No  one  except  a  very  tactless  person  would  presume  to  ask 
of  a  friend  in  deep  mourning  for  whom  she  was  wearing  it. 
This  would  be  ruthlessly  to  open  an  unhealed  wound.  It  is 
not  customary  to  wear  mourning  so  long  in  these  days  as  it 
once  was,  and  providentially  the  protest  of  physcians  and  of 
common  sense  has  availed  to  make  singular  the  heavy  black 
and  unwholesome  veil,  and  the  crape  in  which  mourning 
women  once  enveloped  themselves.  Such  a  veil  should  never 
be  worn  over  the  face.  Nun's  veiling,  which  is  equally  regarded 
at  present  as  deep  mourning,  and  which  is  softer,  cheaper, 
and  prettier,  is  quite  as  good  style  as  crape.  Any  plain,  luster- 
less  woolen  stuff  of  good  material  and  fine  texture  is  appro- 
priate for  a  mourning  dress.  A  beading  of  crape  may  be  used, 
but  the  custom  of  almost  covering  the  skirt  is  not  now  in 
vogue.  No  ornament  except  a  little  dull  jet  is  permissible 
to  one  in  mourning. 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      207 

In  the  secondary  stages  of  mourning  lusterless  silk  trimmed 
with  crape  is  good  style.  Hats  and  bonnets  are  simple  and 
plain,  a  widow  wearing  the  narrow  white  band  within  her 
bonnet  which  is  allowed  only  to  her. 

A  widow  wears  deep  mourning  for  two  years.  After  this 
period  she  may  modify  it,  or,  if  she  chooses,  resume  the  wear- 
ing of  colors.  Collar  and  cuffs  of  sheer  lawn  are  appropriate 
in  a  widow's  garb.  A  widow  contracting  a  second  marriage 
should  discard  her  mourning  entirely  before  entering  into  the 
new  relation. 

Children  wear  mourning  for  parents  two  years,  modifying 
it  very  much  after  the  second  year.  No  one  should  continue 
to  wear  black  after  it  is  felt  to  be  a  burden.  It  is  then  not 
sincere,  and  nothing  is  so  much  to  be  deprecated  as  insincerity 
in  mourning. 

Little  children  are  seldom  dressed  in  mourning.  If  desir- 
able that  they  should  assume  this  for  their  parents,  white 
dresses  with  black  sashes  and  black  hats  are  quite  sufficient. 

Mrs.  Florence  Howe  Hall,  in  Social  Customs,  has  said : 

"Parents  often  wear  mourning  for  grown-up  sons  or  daugh- 
ters during  two  years.  For  children,  most  people  do  not  wear 
crape ;  not  because  the  grief  is  not  of  the  deepest,  but  because 
very  stiff  formal  mourning  seems  utterly  unfitted  to  express 
the  tender  though  poignant  grief  caused  by  the  loss  from  this 
world  of  a  child's  pure,  innocent  spirit.  In  the  same  way 
mourning  for  young  children  is  not  usually  worn  during  more 
than  a  year;  this,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  the  loss  of  a  child 
often  causes  sorrow  more  enduring  than  any  other.  The  idea 
of  respect  for  the  dead  enters  more  or  less  into  all  our  the- 
ories of  mourning,  and  this  respect  seems  specially  due  to 
older  people. 

"When  one  is  in  deep  mourning,  one  does  not  go  into  soci- 


2o8  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ety,  nor  does  one  receive  or  pay  visits.  Neither  does  one  go 
to  any  public  place  of  amusement,  unless  it  be  a  concert,  until 
at  least  six  months  have  elapsed  after  the  death  of  a  near  rela- 
tive. After  three  months  it  is  considered  allowable  to  attend 
concerts.  Some  people  make  this  period  of  strict  seclusion 
much  longer ;  but  it  must  always  be  remembered  that  to  many 
persons  this  isolation  continued  for  months  or  years,  this  dep- 
rivation of  all  save  the  most  limited  society,  and  of  every 
sort  of  relaxation  or  amusement  that  could  take  their  minds 
from  the  one  preoccupying  thought,  is  not  only  very  depress- 
ing but  extremely  injurious.  We  are  not  all  alike,  and  to  some 
minds  it  is  fatal  to  be  allowed  to  prey  entirely  upon  them- 
selves. Hence,  while  people  in  deep  mourning  should  cer- 
tainly avoid  gay  society,  they  ought  not  to  be  too  strictly 
judged  if,  after  a  decent  period  of  time,  they  find  it  to  be  for 
their  comfort  and  happiness  to  see  their  friends  occasionally 
in  a  quiet  way,  or  even  to  seek  the  consolation  of  music  at 
concerts.  The  strictest  and  most  formal  mourning  is  not  al- 
ways the  most  sincere.  In  the  charming  story  of  Edelweiss 
the  author  describes  a  son  who,  crushed  with  grief  for  the 
loss  of  his  mother,  finds  his  only  consolation  in  resuming  work 
at  his  trade  as  soon  as  the  funeral  is  over;  the  neighbors  are, 
of  course,  deeply  scandalized  at  his  proceedings,  as  they  listen 
to  the  tap,  tap  of  his  shoemaker's  hammer.  Yet  work  is  always 
the  best  panacea  for  sorrow. 

"Older  people  should  not  expect  younger  ones  to  remain  in 
strict  seclusion  as  long  a  time  as  they  themselves  do ;  the  grief 
of  youth  is  often  very  intense,  but  it  does  not  usually  last  as 
long  as  that  of  persons  of  mature  years.  Moreover,  it  is  a 
cruel  thing  to  shroud  the  natural  gayety  and  bright  spirits 
of  the  young  in  long-continued  mourning  and  depression. 
They  should,  of  course,  be  willing  to  pay  a  proper  respect  to 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      209 

the  memory  of  the  relatives  they  have  lost;  but  no  young  life 
should  be  permanently  shadowed  by  grief  and  sorrow. 

"Some  gentlemen  put  on  complete  suits  of  black,  weeds  on 
their  hats,  and  black  gloves,  on  the  loss  of  any  near  relative. 
Most  men,  however,  confine  their  mourning  to  a  band  of  crape 
on  the  hat  except  at  the  funeral,  when  they  wear  black  suits 
and  black  gloves.  Custom  varies  on  this  point  in  different 
cities.  In  New  York  it  is  much  more  common  to  see  gentle- 
men dressed  in  mourning  than  in  Boston.  Men  are  not  ex- 
pected to  seclude  themselves  from  society  for  so  long  a  period 
as  women,  though  everyone  is  shocked  to  see  a  man  appear 
in  the  gay  world  soon  after  the  death  of  a  near  relative.  A 
widower  often  wears  black  for  two  years ;  it  is  perhaps  need- 
less to  state  that  many  men  cease  to  be  widowers  long  before 
that  period  is  over.  The  feeling  of  society,  however,  is  in 
favor  of  a  man's  remaining  faithful  to  his  wife  for  two  years ; 
longer  than  that  no  one  expects  him  to  wait  before  consoling 
himself."  Mourning  dress  should  never  be  left  off  suddenly. 
The  change  should  be  gradual.  Otherwise  comment  may  be 
disagreeably  excited. 

Usually  after  a  death  in  a  family  all  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances make  a  call  of  condolence  during  the  first  month.  Very 
intimate  friends  call  at  the  house  as  soon  as  they  hear  of  the 
death,  before  the  funeral.  Others,  a  degree  less  intimate, 
make  a  point  to  call  immediately  after  the  funeral.  All  kindred 
and  intimate  friends  should  be  notified  of  the  death  either  by 
telegraph  or  letter  without  delay,  while  a  notice  of  the  funeral 
should  be  inserted  conspicuously  in  the  local  papers.  Letters 
of  condolence  need  not  at  once  be  answered,  and  they  are 
sufficiently  acknowledged  by  a  visiting  card  with  the  words 
"Thanks  for  sympathy"  written  thereon. 

The  undertaker  and  his  assistants  prepare  a  body  for  burial, 


2io  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

unless  some  member  of  the  family  knows  how  to  do  this  and 
assumes  the  duty.  Trained  nurses  are  taught  how  to  perform 
this  last  sad  office,  and  they  are  able  to  relieve  the  immediate 
mourners  of  the  heart-breaking  work  of  bathing  an  inanimate 
form,  arranging  the  hair,  and  putting  on  the  last  garments 
that  shall  ever  be  worn. 

Love  dictates  the  laying  out  of  the  dead  in  beautiful  cloth- 
ing. A  bride  is  snatched  from  her  husband's  arms,  and  it  is 
fitting  that  she  wear  in  her  coffin  the  wedding  gown  with  its 
white  shimmer  of  satin  and  lace. 

A  lovely  girl  falls  asleep  in  her  exquisite  bloom,  and  vir- 
ginal robes  of  spotless  white  should  invest  her,  symbolic  of  her 
stainless  grace  and  purity.  A  little  child,  with  waxen  hands 
folded,  is  mute  in  death.  The  mother-love  puts  on  its  pret- 
tiest and  finest  raiment.  The  toilette  of  the  grave  should  be  as 
rich  and  fine  as  love  and  grief  can  afford. 

An  embalmed  body  retains  its  lifelike  look,  and  one  has  the 
comfort  of  knowing  that  under  the  sod  it  long  resists  decay. 

CREMATION  OR  BURIAL 

Arguments  in  favor  of  cremation  appeal  to  many,  who  dis- 
like the  thought  of  the  slow  disintegration  of  the  physical 
form,  and  prefer  the  swift  and  sanitary  process  of  the  furnace 
seven  times  heated.  When  a  body  is  cremated  the  ashes,  in- 
closed in  an  urn,  are  buried  in  a  grave  over  which  a  stone  may 
be  placed.  Cremation  is  comparatively  inexpensive. 

For  my  part,  I  cling  to  the  old-fashioned  sentiment  which 
reverently  and  tenderly  deposits  the  form  of  the  loved  one  in 
the  friendly  earth,  ashes  to  ashes,  dust  to  dust,  in  the  hope 
of  a  glorious  resurrection  when  they  that  sleep  in  Jesus  shall 
awake.  Under  the  daisies  or  under  the  snow  that  long  slumber 
is  tranquil. 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      211 

FUNERALS 

According  to  the  custom  of  the  locality,  funerals  are  held 
within  a  day  or  two  of  the  dear  one's  decease.  The  funeral 
obsequies  are  often  celebrated  in  church,  which  seems,  on  the 
whole,  a  very  fitting  place  for  the  last  rite  when  a  Christian 
dies.  A  church  has  the  advantage  of  accommodating  com- 
fortably a  great  many  mourners.  In  the  ordinary  house  the 
immediate  family  and  closest  friends  are  seated  in  a  room 
upstairs.  The  body,  almost  hidden  by  heaps  of  flowers,  lies 
in  state,  in  the  drawing-room,  and  there,  seated  in  camp  chairs 
in  crowded  ranks,  the  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the  dead 
await  the  beginning  of  the  services.  The  overflow  of  these 
friendly  people  is  seated  in  the  dining  room,  or  on  the  stairs, 
the  halls  being  crowded  with  men,  who  stand. 

The  clergyman,  on  the  stairs,  reads  the  service.  He  offers 
prayer,  and  perhaps  utters  a  eulogy  or  makes  a  sympathetic 
address.  Nothing  that  he  says  is  heard  by  more  than  a  third 
of  the  audience  present. 

If  there  are  solos,  or  if  a  quartette  sing,  the  music  is  faintly 
sweet,  and  loses  much  of  its  fine  quality  in  a  house  crammed 
to  suffocation  by  men  and  women  in  street  apparel. 

Long  lines  of  carriages  do  not  often  go  to  the  grave  in  this 
day.  "Interment  at  the  convenience  of  the  family"  is  the  rule. 
This  takes  place,  if  the  funeral  be  held  in  the  evening,  on  the 
following  morning.  If  the  funeral  be  in  the  early  after- 
noon, and  the  cemetery  not  too  far  distant,  the  interment 
probably  takes  place  the  same  day.  But  the  friends  do  not 
tarry  after  viewing  the  remains.  One  by  one,  in  silent 
sympathy,  they  leave  the  darkened  house  and  go  out  into  the 
cheerful  day. 

The  closing  of  the  casket  is  done  by  the  undertaker,  after 
the  relatives  have  taken  their  final  farewell.  Then  the  casket 


212  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

is  borne  to  the  hearse,  the  flowers  are  carried  out  to  be  left  on 
the  new-made  grave,  and  the  mourners  enter  carriages  and 
follow  the  hearse.  The  clergyman  has  a  carriage  of  his  own. 
The  immediate  family  precede  those  not  so  nearly  of  kin,  and 
intimate  friends  bring  up  the  rear  of  the  sad  procession. 

In  Roman  Catholic  countries  people  on  the  streets  uncover 
their  heads  when  a  funeral  passes.  The  impulse  to  do  this 
should  surely  be  with  us  all,  for  death  is  the  common  lot,  and 
sorrow  the  universal  experience,  and  none  of  us  can  escape 
the  pang  of  loss,  the  desolation  of  a  return  to  the  empty  house. 

Some  one  should  so  soon  as  possible  remove  from  a  house 
the  traces  of  a  funeral,  rearranging  the  furniture,  and  doing 
what  may  be  done  to  give  the  house  its  wonted  look  when  the 
mourners  return  from  the  funeral. 

Nothing  is  more  to  be  deprecated  than  the  austere  closing 
of  blinds  and  shutters  and  the  swathing  a  house  in  gloom  after 
a  death.  When  the  funeral  is  over  open  the  windows  at  once, 
and  let  in  the  cheerful  and  blessed  sunlight. 

To  absent  one's  self  from  church  for  a  long  period,  after 
a  bereavement,  is  a  mistake.  The  longer  one  stays  away,  the 
more  difficult  it  is  to  adjust  one's  self  to  the  new  and  trying 
conditions,  and  the  harder  it  is  to  begin  again  in  solitude,  what 
was  once  enjoyed  in  sweet  companionship. 

In  rural  New  England  it  is  still  customary  at  the  grave  for 
the  minister  to  thank  the  friends  who  have  attended  the  fu- 
neral, in  the  name  of  the  family.  There  the  conveyances  are 
often  private  carriages,  and  if  the  graveyard  be  near  there 
may  be  a  touching  procession  on  foot.  In  the  latter  case  the 
coffin  is  borne  by  friends,  who  may  sometimes  pause  an  instant 
to  take  breath. 

Hawthorne,  in  one  of  his  delightful  books,  tells  of  a  for- 
lorn grave  he  saw  in  England  on  the  damp  and  shady  side  of 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      213 

an  old  church.  With  much  effort  the  visitor  cleared  away 
the  moss  from  the  gravestone  and  deciphered  this  sorrowful 
epitaph  of  a  man  who  had  died  in  1810,  at  the  age  of  seventy- 
five: 

"Poorly  I  lived, 
Poorly  I  died, 
Poorly  was  buried, 
And  nobody  cried !" 

In  Beside  the  Bonnie  Brier  Bush  there  is  a  chapter  that  is 
a  classic.  It  is  that  which  describes  the  funeral,  on  a  snowy 
day — the  snow  in  deep  cold  drifts — of  the  good  doctor,  Mac- 
Lure.  The  shepherds  came  in  their  plaids  over  the  hills;  the 
farmers  in  their  "blacks"  wend  their  way  to  the  desolate  home. 
The  Laird  of  the  Manor,  the  great  man  of  the  neighborhood, 
comes  with  his  people.  "I  would  not  let  a  few  snowdrifts," 
he  says,  "prevent  me  from  showing  my  respect  for  William 
MacLure." 

We  are  less  careful  now  always  to  attend  our  friends' 
funerals,  unless  we  have  been  brought  up  in  the  atmosphere 
that  makes  this  pious  duty  an  obligation  on  conscience,  and  a 
tender  tribute,  the  very  last  thing  we  can  do  to  show  our 
consideration  for  the  dead  we  lament  and  the  living  whom  we 
pity. 

At  the  tomb  of  Lazarus  Jesus  wept! 

FUNERAL  MUSIC 

Certain  hymns  are  very  sacred  because  of  their  association 
with  funerals.  "Abide  with  Me,"  "Lead,  Kindly  Light," 
"Asleep  in  Jesus,  Blessed  Sleep,"  "Nearer,  My  God,  to  Thee," 
are  among  the  most  beloved.  The  latter  hymn  will  always 
cling  in  memory  intertwined  with  the  name  of  the  martyred 
McKinley. 


214  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

At  the  funeral  of  a  very  lonely  woman  the  voice  of  a  sweet 
singer  was  exultantly  upraised  in  Dean  Alford's  hymn : 

"Ten  thousand  times  ten  thousand, 

In  sparkling  raiment  bright, 
The  armies  of  the  ransomed  saints 

Throng  up  the  steeps  of  light : 
'Tis  finished,  all  is  finished, 

Their  fight  with  death  and  sin: 
Fling  open  wide  the  golden  gates, 

And  let  the  victors  in !" 

The  rites  of  the  Episcopal  Church  prescribe  a  stately  fu- 
neral service,  unsurpassed  in  majesty  and  beauty.  Most  clergy- 
men have  a  service  of  their  own,  made  up  of  the  most  com- 
forting and  triumphant  passages  in  Scripture,  and  this  is 
often  better  than  anything  by  way  of  an  address.  The  minister 
may  say  too  much  or  too  little.  The  Bible  says  the  right  word 
in  the  most  eloquent  and  beautiful  simplicity. 

SUNDAY  FUNERALS 

Although  mourners  very  often  prefer  a  Sunday  funeral,  yet 
it  makes  the  day  a  very  hard  one  for  the  officiating  clergyman, 
who  has  so  many  other  duties  on  the  Lord's  Day.  The  con- 
venience of  the  clergyman  should  be  consulted  when  the  de- 
cision as  to  the  hour  of  a  funeral  is  made.  A  fee  is  not 
expected  by  a  minister,  but  when  a  family  can  easily  afford  it 
the  giving  of  a  check  or  a  gold  piece  is  a  gracious  thing.  It 
should  be  sent  to  the  minister  unobtrusively  after  the  funeral. 

Fees  to  the  sexton,  organist,  and  singers  are  often  sent  after 
a  church  funeral. 

The  traveling  expenses  of  a  clergyman  who  makes  a  journey 
to  attend  a  funeral  are  always  liberally  paid  by  the  family 
who  have  asked  him  to  officiate. 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      215 

FLOWERS  AT  A  FUNERAL 

Flowers  express  sympathy.  A  few,  or  a  great  many,  in  set 
pieces,  or  in  a  box  with  leaves  and  ferns,  they  may  be  sent 
to  the  house  of  mourning,  and  they  convey  consolation  to  the 
extent  of  the  assurance  that  the  dead  are  lamented.  In  some 
cases,  the  family  prefers  to  provide  the  flowers,  and  the  words 
"Kindly  omit  flowers"  are  appended  to  the  funeral  notice. 

GLOVES 

Gloves  were  formerly  provided  for  the  clergymen  and  pall- 
bearers, but  only  a  few  people  adhere  to  this  old  custom. 

THE  DRESS  OF  PALLBEARERS 

Pallbearers  are  selected  from  among  the  most  intimate 
friends  of  the  deceased.  They  dress  in  deepest  black,  frock 
coat,  trousers,  vest,  tie,  and  gloves  all  matching. 

CRAPE  ON  THE  DOOR 

The  crape  on  the  door,  the  sign  that  notifies  all  passers  that 
death  has  invaded  the  home,  is  of  deepest  black  for  a  grown 
person,  but  the  black  is  often  relieved  by  a  garland  of  flowers 
carelessly  thrown  over  it.  For  a  child  or  a  young  person  a 
white  ribbon  on  the  door  is  substituted  for  the  crape. 

MINGLING  WITH  THE  WORLD  AGAIN 

does  not  to  any  great  extent  take  place  until  the  family  have 
ceased  to  wear  heavy  mourning.  To  be  seen  in  general  society 
and  at  festive  gatherings,  I  repeat,  would  be  an  anachronism 
while  people  are  in  mourning. 

USEFUL  SUGGESTIONS 

The  following  summary  may  be  regarded  as  trustworthy  by 
those  adopting  a  mourning  dress.  This  is  selected  from  a 
competent  authority: 


216  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

The  mourning  for  parents  ranks  next  to  that  of  widows ;  for 
children  by  their  parents,  and  for  parents  by  their  children, 
these  being,  of  course,  identical  in  degree.  It  lasts  in  either 
case  twelve  months — six  months  in  crape  trimmings,  three  in 
plain  black,  and  three  in  half-mourning.  It  is,  however,  better 
taste  to  continue  the  plain  black  to  the  end  of  the  year,  and 
wear  half-mourning  for  three  months  longer.  Materials  for 
first  six  months,  either  Paramatta,  Barathea,  or  any  of  the 
black  corded  stuffs,  such  as  Janus  cord,  about  thirty-eight 
inches  wide;  Henrietta  cord  about  the  same  price  and  width. 
Such  dress  would  be  trimmed  with  two  deep  tucks  of  crape, 
either  Albert  or  rainproof,  would  be  made  plainly,  the  body 
trimmed  with  crape,  and  sleeves  with  deep  crape  cuffs.  Col- 
lars and  cuffs  to  be  worn  during  the  first  mourning  would  be 
made  of  muslin  or  lawn,  with  three  or  four  tiny  tucks  in  dis- 
tinction to  widows'  with  the  wide,  deep  hem.  Pocket  hand- 
kerchiefs would  be  bordered  with  black.  Black  hose,  silk  or 
Balbriggan,  would  be  worn,  and  black  kid  gloves.  For  out- 
door wear  either  a  dolman  mantle  would  be  worn  or  a  paletot, 
either  of  silk  or  Paramatta,  but  in  either  case  trimmed  with 
crape.  Crape  bonnets  or  hats ;  if  for  young  children,  all  crape 
for  bonnets,  hats,  silk  and  crape;  feathers  (black)  could  be 
worn,  and  a  jet  clasp  or  arrow  in  the  bonnet,  but  no  other 
kind  of  jewelry  is  admissible  but  jet — that  is,  as  long  as  crape 
is  worn. 

Black  furs,  such  as  astrakhan,  may  be  worn,  or  very  dark 
sealskin,  or  black  sealskin  cloth,  now  so  fashionable,  but  no 
light  furs  of  any  sort.  Silk  dresses  can  be  worn,  crape-trimmed 
after  the  first  three  months  if  preferred,  and  if  expense  be 
no  object;  the  lawn-tucked  collars  and  cuffs  would  be  worn 
with  them.  At  the  end  of  six  months  crape  can  be  put  aside, 
and  plain  black,  such  as  cashmere,  worn,  trimmed  with  silk 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      217 

if  liked,  but  not  satin,  for  that  is  not  a  mourning  material, 
and  is  therefore  never  worn  by  those  who  strictly  attend  to 
mourning  etiquette.  With  plain  black,  black  gloves  and  hose 
would  of  course  be  worn,  and  jet,  no  gold  or  silver  jewelry 
for  at  least  nine  months  after  the  commencement  of  mourning ; 
then,  if  the  time  expires  in  the  twelve  months,  gray  gloves 
might  be  worn,  and  gray  ribbons,  lace  or  plain  linen  collar 
and  cuffs  take  the  place  of  the  lawn  or  muslin,  and  gray 
feathers  might  lighten  the  hat  or  bonnet,  or  reversible  black 
and  gray  strings. 

Many  persons  think  it  is  in  better  taste  not  to  commence 
half-mourning  until  after  the  expiration  of  a  year,  except  in 
the  case  of  young  children,  who  are  rarely  kept  in  mourning 
beyond  the  twelve  months. 

A  wife  would  wear  the  same  mourning  for  her  husband's 
relations  as  for  her  own ;  thus,  if  her  husband's  mother  died, 
she  would  wear  mourning  as  deep  as  if  for  her  own  mother. 

For  grandparents  the  first  mourning  (crape)  is  worn  for 
three  months;  second  mourning,  black,  without  crape,  also 
worn  for  three  months ;  and  half-mourning  for  three  more,  or 
nine  months  in  all.  The  same  materials  are  worn,  Paramatta, 
Barathea,  various  cords  with  crape  and  cashmere,  and  merino 
when  the  crape  is  left  off. 

For  sisters  or  brothers  six  months'  mourning  is  usually 
worn — crape  for  three,  plain  black  for  two,  and  half  mourning 
for  one  month;  the  same  sort  of  stuffs,  the  crape  being  put 
on  in  one  deep  tuck  and  two  narrow  tucks;  bodice,  crape 
trimmed ;  mantel  or  dolman,  crape  trimmed ;  bonnet  of  crape 
with  feathers  or  jet,  hat  of  silk  and  crape;  veil  of  hat  with 
crape  tuck,  hose  black  silk,  Balbriggan,  or  cashmere,  hand- 
kerchiefs black  bordered.  Silks  can  be  worn  after  the  first 
month  if  trimmed  with  crape. 


218  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

]For  uncles,  aunts,  nephews,  or  nieces  crape  is  not  worn,  but 
plain  black,  with  jet  for  three  months. 

For  great-uncles  or  aunts  mourning  would  last  for  two 
months  without  crape. 

For  cousins  (first}  six  weeks  are  considered  sufficient,  three 
of  which  would  be  in  half-mourning. 

For  cousins  less  closely  related  mourning  is  hardly  ever 
put  on  unless  they  have  been  inmates  of  the  house. 

No  invitations  would  be  accepted  before  the  funeral  of  any 
relatives  closely  enough  related  to  you  to  put  on  mourning  for. 
In  the  case  of  brothers,  sisters,  parents,  and  grandparents, 
society  would  be  given  up  for  at  least  three  months,  if  not 
more,  and  it  would  be  very  bad  taste  to  go  to  a  ball  or  large 
festive  gathering  in  crape.  Widows  do  not  enter  society  for 
at  least  a  year — that  is,  during  the  period  of  their  deepest 
mourning.  With  regard  to  complimentary  mourning — as  worn 
by  mothers  for  the  mother  or  father-in-law  of  their  married 
children — black  would  be  worn  for  six  weeks  or  so  without 
crape;  by  second  wives  for  the  parents  of  the  first  wife,  for 
about  three  weeks,  and  in  a  few  other  cases. 

It  is  better  taste  to  wear  something  dark  in  making  the  first 
call  after  a  bereavement  on  friends,  but  this  is  not  a  decided 
rule,  only  a  graceful  method  of  implying  sympathy  with  those 
who  are  suffering  affliction.  But  calls  are  not  made  until  the 
cards  with  "Thanks  for  kind  inquiries"  have  been  sent  in  re- 
turn for  the  cards  left  at  the  time  of  decease.  Letters  of  con- 
dolence should  always  be  written  on  slightly  black-edged  pa- 
per, and  it  would  be  kind  to  intimate  in  the  letter  that  no 
answer  to  it  will  be  expected.  Few  realize  the  effort  it  is  to 
those  left  to  sit  down  and  write  answers  to  inquiries  and  let- 
ters, however  kind  and  sympathizing  they  may  have  been. 


MOURNING  CUSTOMS  AND  FUNERAL  ETIQUETTE      219 

SERVANTS'  MOURNING 

Servants  are  not  usually  put  into  mourning  except  for  the 
members  of  the  household  in  which  they  are  living;  not  for 
the  relatives  of  their  masters  and  mistresses,  and  very  fre- 
quently only  for  the  heads  of  the  house,  not  for  the  junior 
members.  Indeed,  only  families  of  large  wealth  and  much 
pretension  put  their  employes  into  mourning  with  us. 

A  best  dress  of  mohair  cord  or  alpaca,  two  cotton  dresses, 
black  for  mourning  wear  while  at  work,  a  cloth  jacket,  in 
case  of  master  or  mistress,  with  a  slight  crape  trimming,  a  silk 
and  crape  bonnet,  pair  of  black  kid  gloves,  and  some  yards  of 
black  cap  ribbon,  would  be  the  mourning  given  to  the  servants 
in  the  house  at  the  time  of  the  death  of  one  of  the  heads  of 
the  establishment,  and  their  mourning  would  be  worn  for  at 
least  six  months,  or  even  a  year  in  some  cases. 

THE  STING  OF  IT 
Now,  this  is  the  thing  that  hurts  me 

As  I  look  at  her  vacant  chair; 
As  I  hear  my  heart-beat  throbbing 

In  the  empty,  desolate  air : 
I  could  better  bear  the  sorrow, 

I  could  easier  stifle  the  moan, 
If,  when  she  was  here,  so  often 

I  had  not  left  her  alone. 

I  knew  she  was  watching  for  me, 
I  knew  she  was  waiting  there, 
And  I  took  her  love  for  granted — 

I  tell  you.it  wasn't  fair. 
Many  a  time  I  loitered 

When  I  might  have  hurried  home, 
And  to-day  there  is  no  one  to  greet  me, 

To  care  if  I  go  or  come. 


22O  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

No,  she  never  complained  of  my  coldness ; 

As  proud  as  a  queen  was  she, 
Always  the  same  sweet  woman 

And  all  that  a  wife  could  be. 
But  the  little  grieved  droop  at  the  corners 

Of  the  rosebud  mouth  I  knew ; 
And  the  smile  that  was  wan  and  fading, 

And  the  pain  in  the  eyes  so  true. 

They  told  their  telltale  story : 

I  read  it  and  went  away. 
Though  I  meant  not  half  the  trouble, 

What  good  does  that  do  to-day, 
When  the  little  hands  are  folded 

And  the  beautiful  face  is  hid, 
And  the  joy  of  my  life  is  buried 

Under  a  coffin-lid? 

The  doctor  said  nothing  could  save  her: 

I  feel,  in  the  dead  o'  the  night, 
That  7  might  have  saved  my  Mary 

If  only  I'd  loved  her  right. 
A  flower  is  chilled  by  the  frost-blight, 

And  love  can  be  winter-killed ; 
And  that  is  the  ceaseless  bitter 

In  memory's  cup  distilled. 

And  this  is  the  sting  of  remembrance, 

As  o'er  her  grave  I  bend : 
I  treated  her  worse  than  a  foe,  when 

She  was  dearer  than  dearest  friend. 
And  too  late  I  sit  in  my  sorrow 

And  try  to  keep  back  the  groan. 
There's  nothing  so  mean  on  the  planet 

As  the  meanness  that  hurts  one's  own ! 


XIV 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC 

PLACES 

Do  we  need  some  reminders  as  to  good  manners  in  church  ? 
Perhaps.  Our  conscience  may  exonerate  us  from  ill  manners 
there,  or  if  we  are  honest  we  may  regretfully  own  that  we  are 
often  derelict  in  the  house  of  God. 

Being  the  house  of  God,  reverence  to  the  place  is  of  the 
first  importance.  In  a  mosque  devout  Moslems  do  not  step 
with  sandaled  feet.  "Put  off  thy  shoes  from  off  thy  feet," 
said  the  voice  that  spoke  to  Moses  from  the  burning  bush, 
"for  the  place  whereon  thou  standest  is  holy  ground."  Ori- 
entals take  off  the  shoes,  Western  Christians  keep  on  shoes 
but  remove  their  hats — that  is,  men  do — on  entering  a 
sanctuary. 

Whispering,  giggling,  and  talking  of  the  week's  engage- 
ments in  the  church  proper  is  an  ill-bred  thing.  The  de- 
meanor becoming  God's  house  is  silent  and  quiet. 

If  one  would  be  well-bred  one  must  take  pains  never  to  be 
late  at  church.  If  late,  stand  at  the  door  until  prayer  or 
Scripture  reading  is  finished.  Take  whatever  seat  an  usher 
provides  with  a  simple  bow  of  thanks. 

If  seated  in  a  pew,  courteously  make  room  for  a  stranger. 

Do  not  fidget  or  move  about  in  the  pew,  and  never  stare 
about  at  the  congregation. 

Keep  your  eyes  constantly  on  the  minister.     If  you  fancy 


222 

his  sermon  tedious  do  not  show  this  in  your  manner.  It  is  the 
height  of  incivility  to  look  at  a  watch  during  the  sermon. 

Always  bow  the  head  and  close  the  eyes  during  prayer. 

Pay  close  attention  to  the  notices. 

Never  put  on  overcoat  or  wrap  during  the  singing  of  the 
Doxology. 

Never  rush  hurriedly  out  of  church  after  the  benediction. 

Never  eat  lozenges  or  peppermints  in  church. 

Do  not  fan  violently  and  create  a  cold  current  to  chill 
the  back  of  your  neighbor's  neck. 

Avoid  conspicuous  costumes  and  picture  hats  in  church.  The 
appropriate  dress  for  church  is  very  plain  and  simple. 

Go  quietly  out  after  a  church  service;  never  criticise  the 
pastor. 

Do  not  go  to  church  unprovided  for  the  collection. 

In  walking  home  take  pains  not  to  dissipate  the  impression 
of  the  sacred  service  by  silly  laughter  and  jesting. 

Be  attentive  to  old  people  in  the  house  of  God.  If  there 
is  a  Sunday  school,  or  a  Christian  Endeavor  Society,  or  mis- 
sionary association,  give  it  your  cordial  support. 

Do  not  criticise  the  minister's  wife,  or  expect  too  much  from 
his  family. 

GEORGE  WASHINGTON'S  RULES  OF  CONDUCT 

Let  your  discourse  with  men  of  business  be  short  and  com- 
prehensive. 

In  visiting  the  sick  do  not  presently  play  the  physician. 

In  the  presence  of  others  sing  not  to  yourself  with  a  hum- 
ming noise,  nor  drum  with  your  fingers  or  feet. 

Read  no  letters,  books,  or  papers  in  company. 

Come  not  near  the  book  or  writings  of  anyone  so  as  to  read 
them,  unless  desired. 


CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES  223 

Lee  your  countenance  be  pleasant,  but  in  serious  matters 
somewhat  grave. 

Show  not  yourself  glad  at  the  misfortune  of  another,  even 
though  he  were  your  enemy. 

Strive  not  with  your  superiors  in  argument,  but  always 
submit  your  judgment  to  others  with  modesty. 

When  a  man  does  all  he  can,  though  it  succeeds  not  well, 
blame  not  him  that  did  it. 

Mock  not,  nor  jest  at  anything  of  importance;  break  no 
jests  that  are  sharp-biting,  and  if  you  deliver  anything  witty 
and  pleasant,  abstain  from  laughing  thereat  yourself. 

Use  no  reproachful  language  against  anyone,  neither  curse 
nor  revile. 

Associate  yourself  with  men  of  good  quality,  if  you  esteem 
your  own  reputation. 

Be  not  immodest  in  urging  your  friend  to  discover  a  secret. 

Speak  not  of  doleful  things  in  time  of  mirth,  nor  at  the 
table. 

Break  not  a  jest  where  none  takes  pleasure  in  mirth. 

Laugh  not  loud,  nor  at  all  without  occasion. 

Treat  with  men  at  fit  times  about  business. 

Whisper  not  in  the  company  of  others. 

Make  no  comparisons,  and  if  any  of  the  company  be  com- 
mended for  any  brave  act,  commend  not  another  for  the  same. 

Be  not  curious  to  know  the  affairs  of  others,  neither  ap- 
proach to  those  that  speak  in  private. 

Undertake  not  what  you  cannot  perform,  but  be  careful  to 
keep  your  promise. 

Be  not  tedious  in  discourse. 

Speak  not  evil  of  the  absent,  for  it  is  unjust. 

Let  your  recreations  be  manful,  not  sinful. 


224  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES 

There  are  public  places  other  than  the  church  where  a  cer- 
tain code  of  etiquette  should  be  observed.  In  these  days  of 
multiplied  libraries,  for  example,  everybody  ought  to  know 

HOW  TO  BEHAVE  IN  A  LIBRARY 

A  library  is  a  place  for  study  and  serious  work.  If  people 
make  it  a  place  for  conversation  they  defeat  the  end  it  has 
in  view.  Students  go  there  to  consult  lexicons  and  historical 
works;  authors  visit  it  that  they  may  read  volumes  to  which 
they  could  not  otherwise  have  access,  and  that  they  may  get 
something  of  the  atmosphere  of  other  days.  Hence  an 
imperative  need  of  the  library  is  quiet,  and  the  rule  is  con- 
spicuously posted  that  people  must  not  talk  within  its 
precincts. 

Should  you  visit  the  public  library  to  exchange  a  book,  go 
to  the  desk  and  show  your  card,  or  ask  for  one.  The  librarian 
will  give  you  what  you  want.  If  you  wish  a  book  on  a  given 
theme,  and  are  not  quite  sure  for  what  to  ask,  the  librarian 
will  guide  you.  With  your  book,  a  pad  and  pencil,  you  may 
seat  yourself  at  a  table  and  make  extracts,  or  you  may  carry 
the  book  away,  but  you  must  move  silently  and  refrain  from 
speech  until  you  are  quite  outside  of  the  doors. 

The  immediate  code  of  the  library  requires  that  you  should 
take  great  care  of  the  books  you  draw  from  it.  These  are 
borrowed  books.  They  are  to  pass  from  hand  to  hand,  from 
house  to  house.  Should  you  have  contagious  disease  in  your 
family,  you  should  not  take  books  from  the  library  until  the 
patient  recovers,  even  though  the  patient  is  in  isolation  from 
the  household.  Germs  are  often  so  minute  as  to  be  imper- 
ceptible, and  germs  may  easily  find  lodgment  between  the 
leaves  of  a  book,  and  weeks  or  months  afterward  convey  the 


CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES  225 

seed  of  fever  and  perhaps  carry  death  to  people  whom  you 
do  not  know. 

Do  not  lend  a  book  from  any  library  to  any  friend.  One 
never  has  the  privilege  of  lending  a  borrowed  book,  and  it  is 
a  responsibility  that  nobody  should  venture  to  incur.  Whether 
the  borrowed  volume  is  the  property  of  a  private  person  or  of 
a  public  library,  when  it  is  intrusted  to  you  it  should  remain 
in  your  charge  until  it  is  safely  returned. 

A  book  is  a  precious  thing,  and  should  be  guarded  as  such. 
Books  are  too  often  racked  by  heedless  use,  laid  open,  face 
downward,  on  chairs  and  tables,  read  with  soiled  hands,  in 
one  or  another  way  thoughtlessly  injured.  The  price  of  annual 
membership  in  a  library,  or  the  great  privilege  of  reading 
freely  from  a  library,  should  not  be  construed  into  permission 
to  illtreat  any  book. 

A  book-lover  speaks  with  feeling  on  this  point,  for  books 
are  friends  in  prosperity  and  adversity;  books  cheer  us  when 
we  are  depressed,  uplift  our  hearts  from  the  daily  grind,  and 
help  us  over  many  hard  places  in  life.  Through  the  ages  the 
written  word  has  been  fraught  with  comfort  and  strength  for 
all  mankind,  and  our  debt  to  books  is  so  large  that  it  can  never 
be  paid. 

Just  here  may  I  say  a  word  in  behalf  of  our  own  home  books, 
and  the  way  we  treat  them?  What  about  the  books  on  the  top 
shelf?  When  some  rainy  evening  the  son  or  daughter  of  the 
house  frets  that  there  is  nothing  to  read,  why  not  look  at 
the  neglected  books  that  you  have  passed  over  this  long  while  ? 
I  fear  that  Ivanhoe  is  on  a  top  shelf;  in  some  dark  closets  that 
I  know,  that  Pilgrim's  Progress  gathers  dust ;  that  Macaulay's 
History  of  England  no  longer  charms  the  youthful  reader  as 
once  it  charmed  me.  Look  on  the  top  shelf,  for  there  you 
may  perchance  discover  Dr.  John  Brown,  and  let  him  intro- 


226 

duce  you  to  Pet  Marjorie;  or  you  may  find  an  odd  volume 
of  the  Spectator,  or  Cowper's  Task,  or  The  Vicar  of  Wake- 
Held.  Culture  comes  not  by  devouring  current  fiction,  which 
has  its  uses,  to  be  sure,  but  by  browsing  in  old  pastures  and 
steeping  one's  soul  in  the  sunlight  of  days  that  are  no  more. 

HOW  TO  BEHAVE  IN  A  MUSEUM 

In  a  museum  one  is  requested  to  leave  sticks,  umbrellas,  and 
hand  bags  with  an  attendant  at  the  door,  a  check  being  given 
for  their  identification  and  return. 

A  thousand  years,  it  may  be  three  thousand  years  or  more, 
show  us  their  garnered  treasures  when  we  enter  a  museum. 
We  are  face  to  face  with  the  splendors  of  the  past.  Antiquity 
reveals  to  us  its  secrets.  We  are  in  Nineveh,  in  Babylon,  in 
Rome,  in  Athens,  with  the  men  who  once  owned  and  con- 
quered the  world.  Here  is  their  armor.  Here  are  their  char- 
iots. Here  are  the  chairs  and  tables,  the  plates  and  drinking 
cups,  the  mirrors  and  the  spoons  and  the  jewel  cases  that 
were  theirs.  The  history  of  the  world  is  epitomized  in  a 
museum. 

Lingering  where  we  view  the  progress  of  the  arts  and  read 
the  story  of  modern  applied  science  in  its  infancy,  looking  at 
ivories,  and  carved  woods,  and  curious  lace,  white  as  hoar- 
frost and  delicate  as  mist,  we  may  learn  in  an  hour  what  we 
would  search  great  treatises  to  find.  For  children  a  visit  to 
a  museum  is  educational,  and  they  should  be  often  taken  there. 

Good  manners  in  the  museum  keep  us  from  pushing  and 
shoving,  from  crowding  others  out  of  their  places,  from  loud 
talking,  from  any  deportment  unbecoming  a  lady  or  a  gen- 
tleman. 


CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES  227 

IN  THE  ZOOLOGICAL  GARDEN 

Though  it  may  seem  superfluous  to  speak  of  good  manners 
in  the  "Zoo,"  yet  as  the  lordly  lions  and  stately  tigers,  and  even 
the  chattering  monkeys,  sometimes  appear  to  reproach  visitors 
for  their  incivility,  it  may  be  well  to  remind  young  folk  that 
good  manners  are  at  a  premium  in  the  circus  or  the  menag- 
erie, or  at  any  show.  Observe  the  posted  rules.  Do  nothing 
the  keepers  prohibit.  Take  no  foolish  pleasure  in  poking  fun 
at  poor  caged  beasts  with  very  uncertain  tempers.  Do  not 
feed  any  of  the  animals  unless  the  attendants  give  you  leave. 
Do  not  leave  children  to  their  own  devices  near  a  lion's  cage. 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  A  CROWD 

The  very  hint  that  good  manners  may  be  practiced  in  a 
crowd  provokes  mirth  in  those  who  have  ever  struggled  wildly 
in  a  mighty  throng  at  a  railway  terminal,  a  ferry,  or  the  fa- 
mous Brooklyn  Bridge  in  the  rush  hours.  Yet  good  manners 
there  lead  the  strong  to  look  out  for  the  weak,  induce  men  to 
give  women  a  chance  for  a  seat,  or  for  their  lives,  and  some- 
times mark  the  dividing  line  between  brute  force  and  chivalry. 
American  crowds  are  commonly  good-natured,  but  a  vast 
crowd  is  apt  to  degenerate  into  a  soulless  mob,  so  that  when 
we  enter  it,  as  individuals,  we  need  to  mind  our  manners. 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  HOTELS 

Hotels  are  temporary  homes  for  the  traveling  public. 
Should  you  arrive  at  one  late  at  night,  good  manners  require 
you  to  seek  your  room  quietly.  The  dividing  walls  between 
hotel  chambers  are  very  thin.  People  should  converse  in  very 
low  tones  in  their  rooms,  unless  they  wish  to  take  into  their 
confidence  their  invisible  neighbors  next  door.  A  company 
of  guests  reaching  an  inn  by  the  latest  train  should  not  laugh 


228  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

or  chat  on  the  stairs  or  in  the  reception  room,  lest  their  merri- 
ment disturb  others  in  the  house  who  have  retired  to  rest. 

SHOPPING 

"It  should  be  remembered  that  a  shop  is  a  public  place, 
where  one  is  seen  and  heard  by  strangers.  The  genuine  lady 
marks  her  goodness  and  wisdom  by  using  polite  forms  of 
speech.  She  will  not  say,  'I  want  such  a  thing,'  but  'Show 
me,  if  you  please,  that  article.'  A  woman  of  good  sense  ought 
to  have  a  very  clear  idea  of  what  she  requires  before  going 
shopping,  and  she  will  do  well  to  fix  in  her  own  mind  just 
what  she  wants  to  buy,  and  how  much  she  is  able  to  pay  for  it. 
A  lady  will  always  find  those  little  phrases,  'Thank  you,'  and 
'If  you  please/  will  assist  her  very  much  in  her  shopping.  If 
some  other  lady  should  be  examining  goods  that  you  wish  to 
look  at,  wait  until  she  is  through. 

"Never  draw  comparisons  with  goods  of  another  store. 
When  you  leave  the  counter  a  slight  bow  is  never  out  of  place. 
On  the  other  hand,  familiarity  on  the  part  of  the  clerk  should 
not  be  allowed,  and  if  he  is  asked  for  advice  it  should  be  done 
in  such  a  way  that  he  will  give  it  respectfully." 

STREET  ETIQUETTE 

"Nowhere  has  a  man  or  woman  greater  occasion  to  exer- 
cise the  virtue  of  courtesy  than  on  the  street,  and  in  no  place 
is  the  distinction  between  the  polite  and  the  vulgar  more 
clearly  marked.  In  England  and  America  it  is  not  customary, 
as  a  general  rule,  for  a  gentleman  to  salute  a  lady  with  whom 
he  is  not  intimate  unless  he  has  received  a  slight  bow  of  rec- 
ognition, in  order  to  give  her  an  opportunity  of  discontinuing 
his  acquaintance.  But  many  gentlemen  adopt  the  rule  of  the 
(European)  Continent,  where  the  gentleman  always  bows 


CHURCH  AND  OTHER  PUBLIC  PLACES  229 

first,  leaving  it  optional  with  the  lady  to  return  his  bow 
or  not. 

"The  hat  is  raised  with  the  hand  farthest  from  the  person 
saluted. 

"When  gentlemen  are  escorting  ladies  it  is  their  duty  to 
insist  on  carrying  any  article  the  latter  may  have  in  their 
hands,  except  the  parasol. 

"Ladies  are  always  entitled  to  the  inner  path,  and  a  gen- 
tleman walking  with  any  person  should  accommodate  his 
speed  to  that  of  his  companion. 

"Never  leave  a  friend  suddenly  on  the  street  without  a 
brief  apology.  * 

"If  a  gentleman  wishes  to  speak  to  a  lady  whom  he  meets 
on  the  street,  he  must  turn  and  walk  with  her. 

"Never,  except  in  a  case  of  necessity,  stop  a  business  man ; 
if  you  must  speak  with  him,  walk  in  his  direction,  or,  if 
compelled  to  detain  him,  state  your  errand  briefly,  and  apol- 
ogize for  the  detention. 

"A  gentleman  always  throws  away  his  cigar  when  he  turns 
to  walk  with  ladies. 

"In  stopping  to  speak  to  an  acquaintance  on  the  street, 
always  step  aside.  If  you  are  compelled  to  detain  a  friend 
when  he  is  walking  with  a  stranger,  apologize  to  the  stranger, 
who  will  then  withdraw  a  step  or  two  in  order  not  to  hear 
the  conversation. 

"It  is  rude  to  stare  at  ladies  in  the  street. 

"Information  asked  by  a  lady  or  stranger  should  always  be 
promptly  and  courteously  given. 

"A  gentleman  cannot  under  any  circumstances  'cut'  a  lady^ 
who  has  bowed  to  him. 

"A  gentleman  who  has  rendered  any  service  to  a  lady  whom 
he  does  not  know  will  take  his  leave  as  soon  as  his  good  deed 


230  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

has  been  accomplished.  She  may  recognize  him  the  next  time 
they  meet  or  not,  as  she  pleases;  it  is  not  considered  amiss 
to  do  so. 

"Do  not  look  back  after  persons,  or  walk  too  rapidly,  or  talk 
or  laugh  so  as  to  attract  attention. 

"To  talk  of  domestic  affairs  in  a  public  vehicle  or  on  the 
street  is  very  rude. 

"Never  nod  to  a  lady  in  the  street,  but  take  off  your  hat; 
it  is  a  courtesy  her  sex  demands. 

"A  lady  should  never  leave  a  friend  on  the  street  suddenly 
without  an  apology. 

"If  a  lady  with  whom  you  are  walking  recognizes  the 
salute  of  a  person  who  is  a  stranger  to  you,  you  should  re- 
turn it. 

"When  a  lady  whom  you  accompany  wishes  to  enter  a 
store,  you  should  hold  the  door  open  and  allow  her  to  enter 
first,  if  practicable;  and  you  must  never  pass  before  a  lady 
anywhere  without  apology. 

"Ladies  should  avoid  walking  too  rapidly.  Loud  talking 
on  the  street  or  in  public  conveyances  is  a  sure  sign  of  bad 
training. 

"No  gentleman  will  stand  in  the  doors  of  hotels  to  stare  at 
ladies  as  they  pass. 

"Do  not  eat  in  the  street,  or  attempt  to  force  your  way 
through  a  crowd. 

"Ladies  should  never  bow  to  gentlemen  unless  they  are  sure 
of  their  identity. 

"When  a  lady  is  crossing  a  muddy  street  she  should  gather 
her  dress  in  her  right  hand,  and  draw  it  to  the  right  side." 


XV 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CONVERSATION 

MORE  than  we  imagine  is  revealed  by  our  accent,  tone, 
and  speech  when  we  mingle  with  our  friends.  Shakespeare 
has  said  that  "a  low  voice  is  an  excellent  thing  in  a  woman." 
Indeed,  a  low,  clear  voice,  with  crisp  enunciation  and  agreeable 
inflection,  is  an  excellent  thing  in  anybody. 

The  voice  is  an  almost  unerring  indicator  of  temperament, 
if  not  of  character.  "When  Mary  is  tired,"  said  a  mother,  "I 
know  it  by  the  sharpness  of  her  tones."  A  nervous  person, 
easily  irritated,  speaks  in  a  raised  voice,  thin  and  piercing. 
A  placid,  self-controlled  person  rarely  allows  the  voice  to  rise 
above  a  certain  key. 

Ill-bred  people  shout,  shriek,  and  scream.  They  do  not  con- 
verse. In  certain  districts  of  New  York,  crowded  to  conges- 
tion, women  hanging  out  of  windows,  in  shrill  vociferation  call 
to  each  other,  or  to  their  children  on  the  sidewalks.  They 
have  never  learned  the  beauty  of  repose;  their  emotions  are 
on  the  surface,  and  they  quarrel  or  jest  in  a  rough  dialect  and 
with  a  fury  of  invective  that  stamps  them  as  ignorant  and 
untutored. 

Their  children  and  grandchildren  will  probably  improve  in 
this  regard.  The  influence  of  the  "little  school-ma'am"  is  per- 
meating the  republic.  She  is,  bless  her  heart !  the  finest  force 
in  our  Western  civilization,  and  under  her  hands  the  children 
of  the  lowly,  foreign  or  native-born,  are  being  shaped  and 
molded  in  good  manners,  for  good  citizenship. 


232  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Emerson  has  truly  remarked,  "A  gentleman  makes  no  noise ; 
a  lady  is  serene;"  and  again,  "All  that  fashion  demands  is 
composure  and  self-content."  When  we  begin  to  quote  from 
our  Sage  of  Concord  we  know  not  where  to  stop.  He  says 
pithily : 

"As  the  first  thing  man  requires  of  man  is  reality,  so  that 
appears  in  all  the  forms  of  society.  We  pointedly,  and  by  name, 
introduce  the  parties  to  each  other.  Know  you  before  all 
heaven  and  earth  that  this  is  Andrew,  and  this  is  Gregory. 
They  look  each  other  in  the  eye;  they  grasp  each  other's 
hand,  to  identify  and  signalize  each  other.  It  is  a  great 
satisfaction. 

"A  gentleman  never  dodges ;  his  eyes  look  straight  forward 
and  he  assures  the  other  party,  first  of  all,  that  he  has  been 
met.  For  what  is  it  that  we  seek,  in  so  many  visits  and 
hospitalities?  Is  it  your  draperies,  pictures,  and  decorations? 
Or  do  we  not  insatiably  ask,  Was  a  man  in  the  house  ?  I  may 
easily  go  into  a  great  household  where  there  is  much  sub- 
stance, excellent  provision  for  comfort,  luxury,  and  taste, 
and  yet  not  encounter  there  any  Amphitryon  who  shall  sub- 
ordinate these  appendages. 

"I  may  go  into  a  cottage,  and  find  a  farmer  who  feels  that 
he  is  the  man  I  have  come  to  see,  and  fronts  me  accordingly. 
It  was  therefore  a  very  natural  point  of  old  feudal  etiquette 
that  a  gentleman  who  received  a  visit,  though  it  were  of  his 
sovereign,  should  not  leave  his  roof,  but  should  wait  his  arrival 
at  the  door  of  his  house.  No  house,  though  it  were  the  Tuil- 
eries  or  the  Escurial,  is  good  for  anything  without  a  master. 
And  yet  we  are  not  often  gratified  by  this  hospitality. 

"Everybody  we  know  surrounds  himself  with  a  fine  house, 
fine  books,  conservatory,  gardens,  equipage,  and  all  manner 
of  toys,  as  screens  to  interpose  between  himself  and  his  guests. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CONVERSATION  233 

Does  it  not  seem  as  if  man  was  of  a  very  sly,  elusive  nature, 
and  dreaded  nothing  so  much  as  a  full,  rencontre  front  to  front 
with  his  fellow? 

"It  were  unmerciful,  I  know,  quite  to  abolish  the  use  of 
these  screens,  which  are  an  eminent  convenience  whether  the 
guest  is  too  great  or  too  little.  We  call  together  many 
friends  to  keep  each  other  in  play,  or  by  luxuries  or  orna- 
ments we  amuse  the  young  people  and  guard  our  retirement. 
Or  if  perchance  a  searching  realist  comes  to  our  gate,  before 
whose  eye  we  have  no  care  to  stand,  then  again  we  run  to 
our  curtain,  and  hide  ourselves  as  Adam  at  the  voice  of  the 
Lord  God  in  the  garden. 

"Cardinal  Caprara,  the  pope's  legate  at  Paris,  defended 
himself  from  the  glances  of  Napoleon  by  an  immense  pair  of 
green  spectacles.  Napoleon  remarked  them,  and  speedily 
managed  to  rally  them  off;  and  yet  Napoleon,  in  his  turn, 
was  not  great  enough,  with  eight  hundred  thousand  troops 
at  his  back,  to  face  a  pair  of  freeborn  eyes,  but  fenced  him- 
self with  etiquette  and  with  triple  barriers  of  reserve;  and,  as 
all  the  world  knows  from  Madame  de  Stael,  was  wont,  when 
he  found  himself  observed,  to  discharge  his  face  of  all  ex- 
pression. But  emperors  and  rich  men  are  by  no  means  the 
most  skillful  masters  of  good  manners.  No  rent  roll  nor  army 
list  can  dignify  skulking  and  dissimulation ;  and  the  first  point 
of  courtesy  must  always  be  truth,  as  really  all  forms  of  good 
breeding  point  that  way. 

"The  complement  of  this  graceful  self-respect,  and  that 
of  all  the  points  of  good  breeding  I  most  require  and  insist 
upon,  is  deference.  I  like  that  every  chair  should  be  a  throne, 
and  hold  a  king.  I  prefer  a  tendency  to  stateliness  to  an 
excess  of  fellowship.  Let  the  incommunicable  objects  of  na- 
ture and  the  metaphysical  isolation  of  man  teach  us  independ- 


234  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ence.  Let  us  not  be  too  much  acquainted.  I  would  have  a 
•man  enter  his  house  through  a  hall,  filled  with  heroic  and 
sacred  sculptures,  that  he  might  not  want  the  hint  of  tran- 
quillity and  self-poise. 

"We  should  meet  each  morning  as  from  foreign  countries, 
and,  spending  the  day  together,  should  depart  at  night  as  into 
foreign  countries.  In  all  things  I  would  have  the  island  of  a 
man  inviolate.  Let  us  sit  apart  as  the  gods,  talking  with 
peak  to  peak,  all  round  Olympus.  No  degree  of  affection 
need  invade  this  religion.  This  is  myrrh  and  rosemary  to 
keep  the  other  sweet. 

"Lovers  should  guard  their  strangeness.  If  they  forgive 
too  much  all  slides  into  confusion  and  meanness.  It  is  easy 
to  push  this  deference  to  a  Chinese  etiquette,  but  coolness 
and  absence  of  heat  and  haste  indicate  fine  qualites." 

COMMON  ERRORS 

In  our  common  talk,  if  we  may  come  down  from  Emerson's 
mountain-top  to  the  valley  road  of  everyday,  we  must  avoid 
overrefinement  as  well  as  overfamiliarity.  Certain  delicate 
ladies  think  it  perfectly  dreadful  to  allude  to  the  leg,  though 
they  speak  openly  enough  of  the  arm.  Yet  the  human  being 
is  as  dependent  on  legs  as  on  arms,  and  there  is  no  reason  why 
we  should  balk  at  an  allusion  to  Bobby's  broken  leg,  when  we 
would  speak  freely  of  Bobby's  fractured  arm. 

Meeting  a  friend  on  the  street,  it  is  not  elegant  to  inquire, 
"How  are  the  folks?"  That  expression  is  provincial.  But  we 
may  with  propriety  ask,  "How  are  all  the  family?" 

"Hadn't  ought"  is  a  hopelessly  incorrect  form,  and  double 
negatives  are  vulgar.  A  good  woman  with  a  heart  of  gold 
has  not  learned  in  fifty  years'  intercourse  with  her  kind  to  pro- 
nounce a  married  friend's  title  properly.  She  talks  of  Miss 


235 

Wells  and  Miss  Tucker,  meaning  Mrs.  A  lady,  for  twenty 
years  the  principal  of  a  primary  school,  has  never  broken 
herself  of  saying  "Ain't,"  a  word  very  distasteful  in  its  sound 
to  ears  polite. 

Yet,  no  matter  how  boldly  your  acquaintance  may  trample 
rough-shod  the  English  you  love  to  speak  in  purity,  your 
duty  to  good  manners  and  to  his  or  her  sensitiveness  is  greater 
than  the  duty  you  owe  your  mother-tongue.  Unless  you  are 
brutally  rude  you  will  never  correct  a  friend  by  introducing 
the  word  that  has  been  misused  or  mispronounced  into  your 
own  conversation,  and  giving  it  in  the  accepted  way.  Let  your 
friend  say  lawr  for  law,  or  amature  for  amateur,  or  commit 
any  other  blunders,  but  do  not  appear  to  observe  the  lapse. 

With  children  the  case  is  different.  Always  correct  the 
mistakes  of  a  child.  A  child  is  in  process  of  making  and  must 
be  tutored  and  trained.  Nor  should  we  overlook  the  fact  that 
children  derive  a  great  deal  from  association  and  that  they 
unconsciously  imitate  those  with  whom  they  live.  Therefore 
we  should  sedulously  guard  a  child  from  companions  who  use 
profane  or  unclean  language,  this  being  much  more  detri- 
mental than  that  which  is  merely  inelegant. 

"Male"  and  "female"  to  designate  "man"  and  "woman" 
have  been  dropped  from  present-day  speech.  This  is  very 
modern.  So  charming  a  writer  as  Leigh  Hunt,  and  so  de- 
lightful a  novelist  as  Jane  Austin,  made  constant  allusions  to 
"females"  when  describing  the  women  of  their  day. 

But  do  not,  dear  and  gentle  reader,  give  way  to  the  other 
modern  affectation  which  will  have  none  of  us  called  "ladies" 
and  scorns  the  good  appellation  "gentleman."  A  lady,  ac- 
cording to  Philip  Hamerton,  "is  a  woman  in  a  high  state  of 
civilization."  The  word  means  "loaf-given."  A  lady  is  mis- 
tress of  her  household.  She  is  queen  in  her  own  right.  That 


236  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  word  has  been  tarnished  by  its  application  to  those  who 
have  no  claim  to  it  does  not  debase  it ;  as  ever  it  is  pure  coin 
of  the  realm.  A  washerwoman  may  be  a  lady,  and  so  may 
any  business  woman,  but  in  her  business  capacity  she  should 
speak  of  herself  as  a  working  woman,  not  a  working  lady, 
the  latter  word  conveying  ease  and  dignity.  A  hod-carrier 
and  a  day-laborer  may  be  gentlemen  in  every  essential  of 
character,  but  we  use  the  term  men,  when  we  speak  of  those 
engaged  in  tasks,  whatever  they  are,  of  brain  or  hand.  Every 
man  is  not  a  gentleman,  but  every  gentleman  is  first  a  man. 

Purposely  because  I  cling  to  and  love  these  titles  I  have 
used  them  in  a  book  that  concerns  good  manners. 

Girls  may  pardon  a  reminder  that  wild  exaggeration  does 
not  adorn  conversation.  "Terribly  nice,"  "awfully  sweet," 
"tremendously  entertaining,"  applied  to  commonplace  people 
and  occurrences  are  open  to  much  criticism.  I  have  heard 
a  girl  speak  of  a  magnificent  sunset  as  "awfully  pretty,"  and  I 
once  listened  aghast  to  a  woman  who  informed  a  friend  that 
she  considered  beefsteak  and  onions  "perfectly  divine." 

A  well-dressed  woman  who  did  not  eat  with  her  knife  re- 
marked to  a  companion  in  a  restaurant,  to  the  dismay  of 
everybody  in  the  neighborhood,  "Them  clams  is  grand !"  This 
is  a  land  where  public  schools  are  multiplied  and  culture  is 
in  the  air  we  breathe ! 

To  epitomize,  let  us  try  the  concrete  form  once  more.  Here 
are  a  few  rules  compiled  by  another  writer  on  the 

ETIQUETTE  OF  CONVERSATION 

Dr.  Johnson  says  that  in  order  to  converse  well,  "there 
must,  in  the  first  place,  be  knowledge — there  must  be  materials ; 
in  the  second  place,  there  must  be  a  command  of  words;  in 
the  third  place,  there  must  be  imagination  to  place  things  in 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CONVERSATION  237 

such  views  as  they  are  not  commonly  seen  in ;  and,  in  the  fourth 
place,  there  must  be  a  presence  of  mind,  and  a  resolution 
that  is  not  to  be  overcome  by  failure — this  last  is  an  essential 
requisite;  for  want  of  it  many  people  do  not  excel  in  con- 
versation." 

The  art  of  expressing  one's  thoughts  in  clear,  simple  Eng- 
lish is  one  of  the  utmost  importance  to  those  who  mix  in  good 
society.  A  half-opened  mouth,  a  perpetual  smile,  a  vacant 
stare,  and  a  wandering  eye  are  all  evidences  of  ill  breeding. 
One  should  try  to  repress  all  excessive  emotion  of  whatever 
kind.  As  conversation  is  the  principal  business  in  company, 
we  cannot  pay  too  much  attention  to  it. 

Wit  in  conversation  consists  more  in  finding  it  in  others 
than  in  showing  a  great  deal  one's  self;  for  if  a  man  goes 
from  our  company  pleased  with  himself  and  his  own  wit  he 
is  perfectly  well  pleased  with  us. 

A  gentleman  will  never  permit  himself  to  lose  his  temper 
in  society,  and  he  will  never  talk  at  people,  or  "show  off" 
in  strange  company. 

Women,  clergymen,  and  men  of  learning  or  years  should 
always  be  addressed  with  respect  and  attention. 

It  is  bad  taste  to  talk  of  fevers  to  a  physician,  or  stocks  to 
a  broker,  or  in  fact  to  talk  "shop"  of  any  kind. 

Conversation  ought  not  to  relate  to  domestic  matters.  Yet, 
as  people  take  more  interest  in  their  own  affairs  than  in  any- 
thing else,  it  is  a  mark  of  tact  to  lead  a  mother  to  speak  of  her 
children,  or  a  young  lady  to  talk  of  her  summer  at  a  watering 
place. 

Some  people  spoil  every  party  they  join  by  making  it  their 
only  object  to  prove  that  everyone  present  is  in  the  wrong 
but  themselves;  such  ill-bred  and  ill-timed  argumentativeness 
should  be  strictly  avoided. 


238  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Advice  is  never  to  be  given  unasked,  and  information  should 
be  asked  and  given  with  caution. 

A  gentleman  will  not  make  a  statement  unless  he  is  abso- 
lutely convinced  of  its  truth. 

He  is  attentive  to  any  person  who  may  be  speaking  to  him, 
and  is  equally  ready  to  speak  or  to  listen  as  the  case  may 
require. 

He  never  descends  to  flattery,  although  he  will  not  withhold 
a  deserved  compliment. 

If  he  has  traveled  he  does  not  introduce  that  information 
into  his  conversation  at  every  opportunity. 

He  does  not  help  out,  or  forestall,  the  slow  speaker,  but  in 
conversing  with  foreigners,  who  do  not  understand  our  lan- 
guage perfectly,  and  at  times  are  unable  to  find  the  right  word, 
politely  assists  them  by  suggesting  it. 

He  converses  with  a  foreigner  in  his  own  language;  if  not 
competent  to  do  so,  he  apologizes  and  begs  permission  to  speak 
English. 

He  does  not  try  to  use  fine  language,  long  words,  or  high- 
sounding  phrases. 

He  does  not  boast  of  birth,  money,  or  friends. 

The  initial  of  a  person's  name,  as,  "Mr.  H.,"  should  never 
be  used  to  designate  him. 

Long  stories  should  be  avoided. 

One's  country  or  customs  should  be  defended  without  hes- 
itation, but  also  without  anger  or  undue  warmth. 

Scandal  is  the  least  excusable  of  all  conversational  vul- 
garities. 

When  a  grammatical  or  verbal  error  is  committed  by  per- 
sons with  whom  one  is  conversing  it  is  not  to  be  corrected. 

Words  and  phrases  that  have  a  double  meaning  are  to  be 
avoided. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CONVERSATION  '239 

Politics,  religion,  and  all  topics  specially  interesting  to  gen- 
tlemen, such  as  the  turf,  the  exchange,  or  the  farm,  should  be 
excluded  from  general  conversation  when  ladies  are  present. 

Long  arguments  in  general  company,  no  matter  how  enter- 
taining to  the  disputants,  are  to  the  last  degree  tiresome. 

Anecdotes  should  be  very  sparsely  introduced,  unless  they 
are  short,  witty,  and  appropriate. 

Proverbs  should  be  as  carefully  used  as  puns;  and  a  pun 
should  never  be  perpetrated  unless  it  rises  to  the  rank  of 
witticism. 

It  is  always  silly  to  try  to  be  witty. 

It  is  not  polite  to  interrupt  a  person  when  conversing. 

Refrain  from  the  use  of  satire,  even  if  you  are  master  of 
the  art.  It  is  permissible  only  as  a  guard  against  imper- 
tinence, or  for  the  purpose  of  checking  personalities  or  trou- 
blesome intrusions.  Under  no  circumstances  whatever  should 
it  be  used  merely  for  amusement's  sake,  to  produce  an  effect, 
or  in  order  to  show  off  one's  wit. 

It  is  extremely  ill-bred  to  whisper  in  company. 

A  gentleman  looks  but  never  stares  at  those  with  whom  he 
converses. 

The  name  of  any  person,  present  or  absent,  to  whom  refer- 
ence is  made  should  be  given  if  possible. 

Place  should  always  be  given  to  one's  elders. 

Death  is  not  a  proper  subject  for  conversation  with  a  deli- 
cate person,  or  shipwreck  with  a  sea-captain's  wife,  or  deformi- 
ties before  a  deformed  person,  or  failures  in  the  presence  of  a 
bankrupt;  for,  as  Heine  says,  "God  has  given  us  speech  in 
order  that  we  may  say  pleasant  things  to  our  friends."  We 
should  let  it  be  the  object  of  our  conversation  to  please,  and 
in  order  to  do  this  we  should  not  converse  on  subjects  that 
might  prove  distasteful  to  any  person  present." 


XVI 
CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN 

As  men  and  women  live  together  and  society  is  composed 
of  both,  this  book  has  already  had  a  great  deal  to  say  about 
good  manners  for  men.  Young  men  frequently  write  letters 
to  people  who  are  supposed  to  know  what  is  right  to  do  or 
wrong  to  do  socially,  and  a  few  hints  may  not  be  unwelcome 
to  such  inquirers. 

One  great  advantage  over  a  woman  is  possessed  by  every 
man.  It  is  allowed  to  him  as  a  graceful  act,  and  expected  of 
him  as  a  gentleman,  that  he  shall  lift  his  hat  when  meeting  a 
friend. 

If  he  pause  and  converse  with  a  lady  on  the  street  he  should 
remove  his  hat  from  his  head  entirely  and  hold  it  in  his  hand. 
Of  course,  in  extreme  cold  or  stormy  weather  he  is  pardoned 
if  he  simply  lifts  his  hat  and  puts  it  on  again,  but  the  most 
courteous  gentlemen  I  have  ever  known  have  insisted  on  stand- 
ing bareheaded,  in  any  weather,  if  conversing  with  a  lady 
out-of-doors. 

A  man  does  not  detain  a  woman  on  the  street  in  a  long  con- 
versation. He  asks  her  permission  to  walk  with  her  in  the 
direction  she  is  going,  if  he  desires  to  talk. 

A  gentleman  meeting  an  acquaintance  who  is  accompanied 
by  ladies  always  removes  his  hat  entirely  in  a  passing  saluta- 
tion, even  if  he  is  not  acquainted  with  the  ladies. 

A  gentleman  in  an  elevator,  in  a  shop,  office  building,  or 
hotel  removes  his  hat  if  ladies  are  present. 


CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN  241 

A  gentleman  allows  ladies  to  precede  him  on  most  occa- 
sions. Yet  good  form  obliges  him  to  precede  a  lady  in  leaving 
a  crowded  building,  because  if  he  has  occupied  the  seat  nearest 
the  aisle  it  would  cause  delay  should  he  stand  aside  that  the 
lady  under  his  escort  might  go  out  first.  A  man  takes  the 
outside  of  the  street  in  a  promenade,  the  reason  for  this  dating 
back  some  centuries  to  periods  when  women  could  not  walk 
on  public  roads  for  fear  of  molestation  from  rough  fellows, 
and  when  there  were  more  dangers  and  perils  than  there  are 
now.  In  all  circumstances  of  difficulty  or  danger  a  man  takes 
the  initiative  for  the  defense  of  women.  It  is  permissible  to 
a  man  in  circumstances  of  unusual  peril — as  when  an  accident 
occurs  on  a  train  or  in  a  building — to  speak  to  and  care  for  a 
woman  whom  he  does  not  know.  When  the  exigency  is  over 
he  does  not  presume  upon  the  acquaintance  thus  made,  but 
bows  and  leaves  her  at  once. 

A  gentleman  who  wishes  to  call  upon  a  lady  asks  her  per- 
mission if  he  may  do  so.  If  he  desires  to  correspond  with  her 
he  asks  the  privilege. 

If  he  wishes  to  escort  to  her  home  a  lady  whom  he  knows, 
after  an  evening  meeting  or  a  concert,  he  requests  her  consent 
to  accompany  her. 

In  calling  upon  a  young  lady  for  the  first  time  it  is  the 
gentleman's  duty  to  ask  for  her  mother,  or  her  hostess  if  she 
is  visiting  away  from  home. 

A  gentleman  should  not  take  a  lady  to  any  place  to  which  he 
would  not  take  his  sister.  It  should  be  his  first  care  to  guard 
any  woman  of  his  acquaintance  from  misunderstanding  and 
misrepresentation.  He  should  not  ask  a  young  girl  to  lunch 
with  him  alone  in  a  restaurant. 

A  gentleman  does  not  display  the  photographs  of  young 
lady  friends  to  other  gentlemen,  neither  does  he  ever  speak 


242  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

of  his  women  friends  in  public  places,  or  allow  anyone  to 
speak  slightingly  of  them  in  hi§  presence. 

When  ladies  enter  a  room  a  gentleman  immediately  rises 
and  remains  standing  until  the  ladies  have  either  seated  them- 
selves or  passed  out  of  the  room.  Should  they  leave  the  room, 
it  is  a  man's  place  to  open  the  door  for  them.  Should  they 
remain,  he  offers  them  chairs  before  seating  himself.  No 
gentleman  allows  a  lady  to  carry  a  chair  from  one  room  to 
another  without  offering  to  relieve  her. 

A  husband,  if  courteous,  is  punctilious  in  offering  simple 
attentions  of  this  kind  to  his  wife,  and  no  man  in  good  health 
and  strength,  whatever  his  age,  suffers  a  woman  to  do  little 
things  for  herself  in  a  parlor  which  he  can  conveniently  do  for 
her. 

A  man  should  learn  how  to  place  a  chair  for  a  lady  at  a 
table.  It  would  be  the  height  of  ill  manners  to  seat  himself  at 
a  table  before  the  ladies  of  the  company  had  taken  their  seats, 
and  especially  he  should  wait  until  his  hostess  is  seated. 

The  foe  of  all  ease  of  manner  is  self-consciousness.  A  dif- 
fident man,  though  a  gentleman,  often  fractures  the  rules  of 
good  breeding. 

After  the  lapse  of  fifty  years  an  old  gentlewoman  lately 
remembered  the  clumsiness  and  awkwardness  of  a  certain 
youthful  suitor  of  hers,  and  said  to  me,  "Probably  Jack  would 
have  been  my  husband  if  he  had  not  been  so  bashful.  I  never 
went  anywhere  with  him  that  he  did  not  manage  to  tread  on 
my  dress  and  tear  it,  or  do  some  disagreeable  thing  of  that 
kind." 

The  man  in  question  who  had  been  much  in  love  with  this 
lady  died  a  bachelor,  owing  probably  to  his  overwhelming 
self-consciousness. 

Gentlemen  should  never  make  long  or  late  calls.    One  esti- 


CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN  243 

mable  young  man  whom  I  recall  was  the  dread  of  all  his 
friends  because  he  had  a  habit  of  making  evening  calls,  arriv- 
ing about  eight  and  remaining  until  the  stroke  of  eleven, 
until  everybody  was  tired  out  with  the  monotony  of  his  con- 
versation. Yet  he  was  a  well-informed  and  commendable 
person,  lacking  conspicuously  the  tact  which  makes  life  easy 
and  smooth. 

A  gentleman  should  never  seize  the  word  and  monopolize 
the  conversation.  This  is  a  very  serious  fault  in  a  young  man. 
Neither  should  he  linger  in  his  leave-taking. 

A  man  who  is  calling  at  a  home  where  there  are  a  number 
of  ladies  does  not  in  leave-taking  pass  around  and  separately 
shake  hands  with  everyone.  He  simply  extends  his  hand  to 
his  hostess  and  takes  a  general  leave  of  the  others  with  a  bow. 

A  gentleman  must  never  allow  a  lady  to  sit  backward  in  a 
carriage,  and  must  himself  sit  with  his  back  to  the  horses  if 
there  is  not  room  on  the  other  seat. 

A  young  lady,  let  it  be  remarked,  should  pay  this  same  def- 
erence to  a  married  or  an  elderly  one.  A  gentleman  steps  from 
the  carriage  before  ladies  in  order  that  he  may  help  them  out 
each  in  turn.  "When  a  lady  ascends  a  tallyho  coach  she  goes 
first,  a  gentleman  mounting  the  ladder  one  or  two  steps  be- 
hind her  and  keeping  her  dress  in  place  by  his  stick.  In  de- 
scending he  goes  first  for  the  same  reason,  both  going  down 
backward.  The  companion  ways  on  board  ship  are  mounted 
in  the  same  manner. 

In  a  street  car  it  is  a  man's  courteous  habit  to  pass  a  lady's 
fare  to  the  box  if  there  is  no  conductor  to  take  it,  and  he 
should  also  step  off  a  car  rather  than  allow  a  lady  to  be 
uncomfortably  crowded  as  she  enters  or  leaves  it.  He  does 
not,  however,  offer  to  pay  the  fare  of  any  woman  not  in  his 
family,  whom  he  chances  to  meet.  This  is  a  liberty  taken  by 


244  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

some  gentlemen  under  the  impression  that  it  is  polite  for  them 
to  pay  the  fare  of  a  friend.  Rather  than  have  a  controversy 
over  a  trifle,  a  woman  should  yield  if  a  man  insists,  but  it  is 
not  expected  that  he  will  pay  anyone's  fare  but  his  own  and 
that  of  ladies  who  are  in  his  company.  A  gentleman,  of  course, 
pays  the  fare  of  a  lady  whom  he  is  escorting  from  one  place 
to  another,  unless  it  be  on  a  long  railway  trip,  when  she  usually 
hands  him  her  pocketbook  that  he  may  purchase  her  ticket. 

Young  men,  from  an  early  age,  should  accustom  themselves 
to  going  about  with  their  mothers  and  sisters.  They  thus 
acquire  ease  and  social  tact  which  can  be  obtained  in  no 
other  way. 

Mrs.  Florence  Howe  Hall  in  her  excellent  book  on  Social 
Customs  has  a  chapter  on  Washington  etiquette,  part  of  which 
is  so  interesting  that  I  venture  to  quote  it  here. 

THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  CAPITAL 

"The  etiquette  of  Washington  differs  from  that  of  other 
American  cities ;  it  is  customary  there  for  strangers  to  call  first 
upon  the  members  of  the  government  and  on  the  wives  of 
official  personages.  For  this  purpose  receptions  are  held  every 
afternoon,  and  a  special  day  is  set  apart  for  each  branch  of  the 
government.  Thus,  Monday  is  Judges'  Day,  and  on  that 
afternoon  the  justices  of  the  Supreme  Court  remain  at  home 
and  receive  callers,  assisted  by  the  ladies  of  their  families. 

"Tuesday  is  the  reception  day  of  the  members  of  the  House 
of  Representatives;  Wednesday,  of  the  Cabinet  officers; 
Thursday,  of  the  Senators;  and  Friday,  of  the  Diplomatic 
Corps.  The  President's  receptions  are  usually  held  on  Sat- 
urday; and  on  that  day  the  residents  of  Connecticut  Avenue 
receive  calls.  The  reason  for  this  very  catholic  hospitality  is 
an  obvious  one.  It  would  be  impossible  for  the  wives  of  Con- 


CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN  245 

gressnien,  Cabinet  officers,  and  others  to  call  first  upon  every- 
one who  came  to  the  national  capital;  and  yet  according  to 
our  republican  theories  every  American  citizen  has  a  right  to 
social  recognition  at  the  hands  of  the  rulers  whom  his  voice 
has  helped  to  elect.  Hence  the  wives  of  our  public  servants 
throw  open  their  houses  to  visitors  on  each  day  of  the  week 
during  the  season,  and  any  person  who  chooses  has  a  right 
to  attend  these  informal  receptions.  According  to  Washing- 
ton etiquette  all  these  calls  must  be  promptly  returned;  as 
their  number  and  frequency  are  very  great,  they  make  the 
social  duties  of  an  official  hostess  very  burdensome.  Such  a 
lady  often  employs  a  private  secretary,  whose  duty  it  is  to 
keep  a  record  of  the  visits  made,  visits  returned,  and  those 
still  to  be  returned. 

"The  wives  of  the  Cabinet  officers  recently  rebelled  against 
this  slavery  to  the  traveling  public  (for  it  is  nothing  else), 
and  caused  it  to  be  known  that  they  would  not  undertake  to  re- 
turn calls  personally,  but  that  their  cards  would  be  sent  instead. 
This  course,  however,  gave  rise  to  some  bitterness  of  feeling 
among  those  who  did  not  understand  the  exigencies  of  the 
situation,  and  who  felt  themselves  insulted,  fogetting  that  a 
public  servant  and  his  wife  ought  not  to  be  made  public  slaves. 

"The  wife  of  one  of  our  Secretaries  of  State  is  said  to  have 
seriously  injured  her  health  by  her  punctiliousness  in  return- 
ing all  visits.  As  our  country  is  increasing  in  population  with 
such  rapidity,  and  as  the  throng  of  visitors  in  Washington  is 
in  consequence  growing  constantly  greater,  it  would  seem  as 
if  some  remedy  must  be  found  for  this  growing  evil,  and  as 
if  the  course  of  the  Cabinet  ladies  was  the  only  one  possible 
for  them  to  pursue. 

"When  the  society  in  Washington  was  comparatively  small, 
and  the  strangers  who  came  to  the  city  in  the  gay  season  com- 


246  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

paratively  few,  all  was  very  different;  but  matters  have 
changed  very  much  at  our  national  capital  within  five  or  six 
years.  Transient  visitors  and  excursionists  now  visit  it  in 
enormous  numbers,  and  intrude  themselves  in  houses  where 
they  have  no  right  to  go  at  all  in  some  instances,  and  in  others 
only  on  certain  days  of  the  week. 

"It  would  seem  as  if  common  sense  ought  to  teach  people 
that  to  a  card  reception  (that  is,  where  the  guests  are  all 
invited  by  card)  no  one  save  those  specially  invited  would 
have  a  right  to  go;  but  the  Washington  tourist  is  very  unre- 
flecting. His  rule  of  conduct  often  resembles  that  of  the  Irish- 
man— where  you  see  a  head,  hit  it.  Where  the  Washington 
tourist  sees  a  number  of  carriages  standing  before  the  door 
of  a  mansion,  he  immediately  enters  thereat ;  and  whether  he 
is  one  or  whether  he  is  two  hundred  makes  absolutely  no  dif- 
ference in  his  view  of  the  situation.  The  result  of  his  theories 
is  naturally  disastrous.  No  private  house  can  hold  an  un- 
limited number  of  people ;  and  where  the  uninvited  throng  in 
such  numbers  the  invited  guests  are  unable  to  gain  admission. 

"A  Washington  lady  received  cards  for  a  reception  given  by 
an  official  person.  It  was  a  little  late  when  she  started, 

and  upon  her  arrival  in  Avenue  she  found  a  surging 

throng  of  people  in  and  around  the  door  of  the  house  where 
the  reception  was  to  be  held.  After  striving  with  the  crowd 
for  an  hour  or  more,  and  reaching  only  the  vestibule  of  the 
mansion,  she  and  her  escort  gave  up  the  attempt  to  gain  fur- 
ther admission,  and  went  home  without  having  been  to  the 
party  at  all !  It  transpired  afterward  that  an  excursion  of  two 
hundred  people  had  arrived  in  Washington  on  that  day,  and 
had  attended  Mr. 's  reception  en  masse! 

"Thus  it  is  evident  that  the  public  abuses  its  privileges,  and 
if  less  democratic  customs  should  be  adopted  the  people  them- 


CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN  247 

selves  would  be  to  blame.  All  public  libraries  and  parks  are 
conducted  on  the  theory  that  the  public  will  respect  their  own 
possessions;  the  moment  that  they  cease  to  do  so,  that  they 
begin  to  abuse  the  books  or  deface  the  beauty  of  the  grass  and 
trees,  the  free  system  becomes  impossible.  It  is  the  same  with 
the  freedom  of  entrance  in  Washington  society.  It  can  only 
continue  while  the  public  are  'upon  honor,'  and  behave  like 
ladies  and  gentlemen. 

"No  doubt  the  tourists  are  less  to  blame  in  regard  to  their 
conduct  in  Washington  than  might  at  first  sight  be  supposed. 
Being  strangers  in  the  land,  they  naturally  believe  whatever  is 
told  them,  forgetting  that  hotel  keepers,  agents  for  excur- 
sions, hack  drivers,  and  others  may,  through  interested  mo- 
tives, offer  them  more  opportunities  of  sight-seeing  and  visit- 
ing than  they  have  a  legitimate  right  to  do.  It  is  to  be  feared 
also  that  mankind  have  a  tendency  to  be  less  careful  about 
their  behavior  when  they  are  in  foreign  lands  than  they  would 
be  in  their  native  place,  where  habit  and  the  desire  to  appear 
well  in  the  eyes  of  their  fellow-townsmen  act  as  restraining 
influences. 

"One  should  always  remember  that  traveling  is  the  severest 
test  of  good  breeding;  the  man  who  does  not  forget  his  polite- 
ness among  strangers,  people  whom  he  never  expects  to  see 
again,  will  not  be  likely  to  forget  it  anywhere.  It  is  a  dan- 
gerous matter,  too,  to  imagine  that  one's  behavior  in  another 
city  or  country  will  not  be  known  at  home.  This  world  is  a 
very  small  place ;  we  are  liable,  even  on  the  most  lonely  moun- 
tain top,  to  be  seen  by  an  acquaintance ;  and  by  some  mysteri- 
ous process  of  social  telegraphy  our  misdemeanors,  if  we  com- 
mit any,  reach  home  as  soon  as  we  do,  usually  increased  by 
kind  and  friendly  report  to  twice  their  natural  size. 


248  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

CORRECT  DRESS  FOR  MEN 

Briefly  speaking,  a  man  wears  evening  clothes  after  six 
o'clock,  and  business  clothes  up  to  that  hour.  A  great  deal 
of  amusement  was  occasioned  in  this  country  some  years  ago 
by  the  report  that  in  a  certain  inland  city  one  of  the  prominent 
society  gentlemen  put  on  evening  clothes  to  meet  a  distin- 
guished visitor  at  noon.  This  should  never  be  done.  What 
is  strictly  called  a  dress  suit  is  intended  only  for  evening  wear. 

Some  years  ago  in  a  little  village  in  Germany  the  son  of 
the  pastor  decided  to  seek  his  fortune  in  America.  It  was 
a  family  of  simple  tastes  and  great  poverty.  Father,  grand- 
father, and  great-grandfather  had  been  village  pastors.  The 
present  youth  was  the  first  to  break  the  line  of  succession.  He 
wished  to  migrate,  found  a  new  home,  and  make  a  fortune  in 
the  golden  land  beyond  the  sea.  Great  was  the  solicitude  of 
his  parents  and  friends  that  he  should  be  properly  fitted  out 
for  his  appearance  on  these  shores.  The  mother  procured 
what  she  supposed  to  be  an  accurate  fashion  plate,  and  with 
the  aid  of  the  village  tailor  she  made  for  her  son  several  well- 
fitting  and  durable  suits  modeled  after  the  traditional  dress 
worn  by  Uncle  Sam  in  all  of  the  pictures  familiar  to  our  eyes. 
When  the  unfortunate  youth,  thus  arrayed  from  top  to  toe, 
landed  in  New  York  he  found  himself  followed  on  the  streets 
by  a  curious,  jeering  crowd.  He  had  no  money  to  buy  other 
clothing,  and  was  obliged  to  wear  out  the  ridiculous  costumes 
in  which  the  loving  hands  of  the  people  at  home  had  dressed 
him.  Going  to  the  far  West,  he  became  in  time  a  man  of  large 
wealth.  Sons  and  grandsons  have  graduated  with  honors 
from  the  great  Eastern  universities,  but  all  have  inherited  the 
absolute  horror  and  distaste  of  their  father  for  anything  re- 
sembling evening  dress,  the  costume  of  Uncle  Sam  being  not 
unlike,  so  far  as  cut  is  concerned,  that  worn  indifferently  by 


CORRECT  MANNERS  FOR  MEN  249 

waiters  at  the  Waldorf  and  gentlemen  who  go  to  parties  in  the 
evening. 

What  is  called  a  dinner  coat,  or  Tuxedo,  is  a  modified  form 
of  the  dress  coat.  It  is  a  comfortable  garment,  is  worn  by 
youths  before  they  adopt  the  full  dress  coat,  and  is  always 
a  very  attractive  garment  for  a  man.  Men  who  are  particu- 
lar in  dressing  for  dinner  in  the  evening  at  home — such  men 
being  largely  in  the  minority  in  America — always  put  on,  when 
there  is  no  company,  a  dinner  coat.  The  Norfolk  or  plaited 
jacket,  or  the  single  or  double-breasted  sack  coat  is  admirable 
for  golf,  wheeling,  or  any  such  summer  outing.  Negligee 
shirts  have  largely  supplanted  the  old  stiff,  starched  shirt  once 
thought  the  only  thing  for  a  man  to  wear. 

A  frock  or  Prince  Albert  coat  is  worn  with  a  high  hat,  never 
with  a  soft  hat  or  derby.  At  present  there  is  more  ornamenta- 
tion allowed  in  the  matter  of  waistcoats  and  more  color  is 
introduced  than  was  formerly  considered  good  taste.  In  busi- 
ness wear  a  rough  cheviot  or  other  good-wearing  material. 
Elderly  men  like  the  frock  coat. 

Conspicuous  jewelry  is  exceedingly  vulgar  for  men.  The 
only  place  in  which  a  man  has  much  chance  to  show  his  taste 
is  in  the  choice  of  his  ties,  cravats,  and  hosiery.  Men  are  as 
particular  as  girls  with  regard  to  what  they  wear  in  these 
particulars. 

As  fashions  continually  change,  the  best  plan  is  to  wear 
something  that  will  not  make  the  wearer  especially  conspicu- 
ous and  which  will  still  be  in  good  taste. 

THE  BACHELOR  AS  A  HOST 

In  these  days  the  bachelor  apartment  house  has  come  to  be 
a  feature  of  American  life.  The  thronging  to  cities  of  men 
who  are  away  from  home  has  made  imperative  some  pro- 


250  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

vision  for  them  other  than  the  ordinary  boarding  house.  Men 
who  are  sufficiently  well  off  to  marry  are  often,  and  we  think 
unfortunately,  so  comfortable  in  their  bachelor  homes  that 
they  shirk  the  obligation  of  asking  some  woman  to  be  the 
queen  of  the  home,  and  thus  they  sacrifice  the  honor  they 
might  have  as  head  of  the  house. 

A  bachelor  apartment  house  may  consist  of  several  rooms 
en  suite  or  simply  of  a  single  room  and  bath.  Sometimes  sev- 
eral unmarried  men  club  together  and  rent  an  apartment,  hav- 
ing a  man  or  an  elderly  woman  to  relieve  them  of  care,  keep 
the  apartment  in  order,  and  perhaps  do  the  cooking.  Quite 
often  men  get  their  meals  outside,  lunching  or  dining  or  break- 
fasting at  a  convenient  restaurant. 

Should  a  bachelor  desire  to  give  a  party  or  a  reception, 
he  must  first  secure  a  matron  of  his  acquaintance  to  act  as 
chaperon  for  the  affair.  This  lady  will  take  entire  charge 
for  the  evening,  and  will  relieve  the  situation  of  all  embar- 
rassment for  the  girls  or  young  men  whom  the  bachelor  host 
invites.  He  may  properly  provide  exactly  such  a  supper  or 
such  a  spread  by  way  of  entertainment  as  would  be  given 
anywhere  else  by  anyone  else. 

A  bachelor  may  also,  if  he  please,  entertain  his  friends  at 
a  popular  restaurant  or  inn,  always  asking  congenial  people, 
and  being  sure  that  the  proper  chaperon  is  provided. 


XVII 
MORE  ABOUT  CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE 

EARLY  in  this  book  we  have  had  a  chapter  on  good  manners 
for  children.  It  is  in  order  here  to  introduce  our  little  men 
and  maids  again,  for  they  are  always  running  in  and  out  of 
the  home,  and  form  the  most  beautiful  part  of  our  domestic 
life.  They  also  form  by  far  the  most  important  part  of  it,  for 
we  older  ones  are  fast  passing  from  the  stage,  while  they  are 
coming  on.  In  a  few  years  they  will  take  our  places.  Good 
manners  will  prepare  them  for  life's  duties. 

Fancy,  if  you  can,  a  world  without  children ;  never  a  little 
foot  going  patter,  patter,  patter,  up  and  down  the  stairs,  never 
the  gleeful  laugh  of  little  children,  never  the  innocent  faces 
sparkling  and  dimpling  with  joy,  nor  the  tiny  hands  tugging 
at  the  mother's  skirts.  The  children  are  so  dear,  and  child- 
hood is  so  sweet,  that  only  cynics  turn  away  when  eager 
voices  call  and  the  little  people  claim  attention. 

SHALL  WE  GIVE  A  CHILDREN'S  PARTY? 

Dorothy  is  six  years  old.  On  her  birthday  she  wishes  to 
have  a  party.  So  Gladys,  Barbara,  Margaret,  Helen,  Lucy, 
and  Eleanor  are  invited,  and  also  Francis,  Johnny,  Edwin, 
Max,  Hans,  and  the  other  little  boys  who  live  in  Dorothy's 
neighborhood.  If  there  are  small  cousirs  they  are  asked, 
too. 

Dorothy's  mother  probably  writes  the  li:tle  notes  of  invita- 
tion, as  fingers  that  have  only  been  taught  in  kindergarten 


252  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

have  not  learned  to  hold  a  pen.     The  notes  may  be  rather 
formal,  thus: 

SDorotbp  fjrmttes 
asfes  the  pleasure  of 


tompanp  at  her  btrtljtoap  partp, 
^ton&ap  afternoon,  ftprtl  tenth, 
from  three  until  ctr  o'clock. 

Or  her  mother  —  and  this  is  the  prettier  —  may  write  to  Gladys's 
mother,  and  to  the  other  mothers,  saying  : 


SDear  _ 

little  SDorothp  totll  be  aft  pears  oltt  nert 


,  an&  6  be  is  to  haDe  a  little  partp.      Jflap 
come  ?    Che  bottrct  toill  be  from  three  until  sir. 


(Eleanor 


A  child  a  little  older  who  has  learned  to  write  may  send  her 
own  notes.  She  should  have  her  stationery  with  a  little  pic- 
ture in  the  upper  left-hand  corr.er,  and  may  say,  "Please  come 
to  my  party,"  or  something  else  just  as  simple. 

Children  should  be  daintily  dressed  to  go  to  a  party,  but 
should  never  be  overdressed  or  have  anything  on  that  they 
must  worry  about  or  take  special  care  of. 

Two  stories  occur  to  me  as  I  think  of  children's  parties. 
One  related  by  an  elderly  lady,  an  incident  of  her  childhood, 
illustrates  the  inflexible  and  Spartan  severity  of  some  mothers 
in  a  day  happily  past.  This  anecdote  is  the  incident  of  fifty 
years  ago.  Little  Mary,  aged  seven,  had  a  birthday  party, 
and  her  little  friends  were  all  invited  and  all  came.  Un- 
fortunately, Mary  ihat  afternoon  disobeyed  her  mother,  who 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  253 

promptly  took  her  and  gave  her  a  whipping.  "I  remember," 
says  the  lady,  "the  awe  and  consternation  of  that  moment  as  if 
it  were  yesterday — Mary  dragged  and  reluctant  from  the  com- 
pany of  her  little  guests ;  the  sound  of  the  sharp  blows  of  the 
maternal  slipper,  the  agonized  screams  of  the  child.  Some 
of  us  cried,  some  sat  mute,  one  went  home.  By  and  by  Mary 
came  back  red-eyed,  and,  O!  so  deadly  ashamed.  It  was  a 
spoiled  party,  and  we  all  hated  it.  We  were  glad  when  we 
were  sent  for  to  leave  that  house." 

Think  of  such  discipline — a  child  whipped  on  the  day  of  her 
own  birthday  party,  at  the  very  time!  In  Holiday  House,  a 
children's  classic  most  older  people  have  enjoyed,  a  stern  nurse 
chastises  two  little  sinners  and  sends  them  to  bed  because  in 
their  parents'  absence  and  without  leave  they  have  filled  the 
house  with  their  little  friends.  No  supper  is  provided  for 
the  small  guests,  but  the  little  host  and  hostess  are  not  pun- 
ished till  the  guests  are  gone. 

The  other  story,  a  very  beautiful  one,  is  related  of  that 
most  popular  and  beloved  among  American  women,  Mrs. 
Frances  Folsom  Cleveland. 

Mrs.  Cleveland's  little  daughters  had  a  party  to  which  were 
invited  all  the  children  of  the  place  where  the  ex-President 
and  his  family  lived.  The  lady  who  had  been  first  lady  of 
the  land  makes  no  social  distinction  where  children  are  to  have 
a  merry  time,  and  all  the  little  folk  were  asked.  Among  them 
were  the  children  of  a  poor  man  who  lived  down  the  street  and 
the  daughter  of  a  wealthy  man  who  was  at  the  opposite  end 
of  the  social  ladder.  The  latter  was  a  little  snob.  "Mrs. 
Cleveland,"  she  said,  "I  am  sure  my  mamma  would  not  like 

to  have  me  at  the  party  with  those  children."  "Ah, 

my  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Cleveland,  "I  didn't  know.  I  am  so 
sorry.  You  must  not  stay  another  minute.  You  must  go 


254  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

straight  home."  And  straight  home  went  the  mortified  little 
lady,  escorted  by  her  maid. 

To  entertain  children  some  older  person  at  the  party  must 
conduct  the  games.  None  are  better  than  the  old  ones  that 
children  have  played  for  generations.  "Oats,  peas,  beans," 
"Little  Sally  Waters,"  and  "Going  to  Jerusalem." 

A  lady  who  can  tell  stories  often  entertains  the  children  of 
the  party.  There  may  be  a  fish  pond  or  a  grab  bag,  or  if  papa 
has  a  deep  purse  he  may,  as  one  father  I  know  has  several 
times  done,  engaged  somebody  who  has  a  trick  of  sleight  of 
hand  to  furnish  the  fun. 

For  the  supper  chicken  bouillon,  dainty  little  sandwiches, 
bonbons,  cakes,  and  ice  cream  will  furnish  a  very  satisfactory 
menu.  Nothing  very  rich  or  very  indigestible  is  permissible 
at  a  children's  party,  but  there  must  be  a  birthday  cake  with 
candles  lighted  for  every  year  and  one  over  for  the  life  candle. 

CHRISTMAS 

Christmas  crowns  the  year,  and  Christmas  is  the  festival  of 
the  world  when  we  gather  around  the  manger  of  Bethlehem, 

"When  the  star  reigns  its  fire  and  the  beautiful  sing." 

"Brightest  and  best  of  the  sons  of  the  morning, 
Dawn  on  our  darkness  and  lend  us  thine  aid. 

Star  of  the  East  the  horizon  adorning, 
Guide  where  our  infant  Redeemer  was  laid. 

"Cold  on  His  cradle  the  dewdrops  are  shining, 
Low  lies  His  head  with  the  beasts  of  the  stall !" 

I  am  glad  when  I  think  of  Christmas,  with  its  message  of 
peace  and  good  will  reaching  every  land,  so  that  the  little  ones 
in  the  Far  East  and  the  children  in  the  red  man's  tent  and  the 
children  in  the  great  cities,  and  in  the  lonely  farms,  and  on 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  255 

ranches  in  the  Southwest,  and  in  the  orange  groves  and  the 
vineyards,  may  keep  the  happy  day. 

THE  SPELL  OF  MERRY  CHRISTMAS 
"Pis  the  time  of  year  for  the  loving-cup 

To  pass  from  hand  to  hand, 
When  the  sounds  of  wassail  and  revelry 

Are  echoing  o'er  the  land. 
For  North,  where  the  skate  skims  the  mere, 

And  South,  where  the  redbird  sings, 
A  pulse  of  cheer  to  the  waning  year 

The  Merry  Christmas  brings. 

'Tis  the  time  of  year  for  the  open  hand 

And  the  tender  heart  and  true, 
When  a  rift  of  heaven  has  cleft  the  skies 

And  the  saints  are  looking  through. 
The  flame  leaps  high  where  the  hearth  was  drear, 

And  sorrowful  eyes  grow  bright, 
For  a  message  dear  that  all  may  hear 

Was  borne  on  the  Christmas  light. 

'Tis  the  time  of  year  for  the  cordial  word 

And  the  grace  of  the  lifted  load, 
For  brother  to  come  to  brother's  help 

On  the  rough  and  stony  road. 
'Tis  time  to  bury  the  ancient  hate, 

And  to  make  the  quarrels  up; 
No  grudge  has  room  where  the  roses  bloom 

Round  the  Christmas  loving-cup. 

Tis  the  time  of  year  for  children's  joy, 

And  all  in  a  scarlet  row 
The  stockings  hang  in  the  ingle  nook, 

And  the  dreaming  faces  glow, 
And  the  children  turn  and  laugh  in  sleep, 

To-morrow  will  be  so  gay; 
For  there  never  is  mirth  in  this  queer  old  earth, 

Like  the  mirth  of  Christmas  Day. 


256  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Tis  the  time  of  year  for  the  sweet  surprise, 

For  the  blessing  we  did  not  see, 
Though  straight  from  the  infinite  love  of  God 

'Twas  coming  to  you  and  me. 
'Tis  the  time  for  seeking  once  again 

The  sheen  of  the  Bethlehem  star, 
And  for  kneeling  fain,  with  the  age-long  train, 

Where  the  Babe  and  Mary  are. 


'Tis  the  time  of  year  for  the  loving-cup, 

When  the  holly  berries  shine, 
And  with  shout  and  song  of  man  and  maid 

The  cedar  and  fir   we  twine. 
Ah !  pass  the  cup  from  the  frozen  North 

To  the  South  where  the  robin  sings, 
For  a  pulse  of  cheer  to  the  waning  year 

The  merry  Christmas  brings. 


By  a  beautiful  road  our  Christmas  comes, 

A  road  full  twelve  months  long, 
And  every  mile  is  as  warm  as  a  smile, 

And  every  hour  is  a  song. 
Flower  and  flake  and  cloud  and  sun, 

And  the  winds  that  riot  and  sigh, 
Have  their  work  to  do  ere  the  dreams  come  true 

And  Christmas  glows  in  the  sky. 

The  holly  and  cedar  and  mistletoe, 

They  thrilled  when  the  nights  were  chill, 
For  the  maiden's  glance  and  the  madcap  dance 

And  the  lover's  foot  on  the  sill. 
For  the  Christmas  mirth  the  brave  pine  grew, 

Serene  and  straight  and  tall ; 
The  deep  woods  knew  in  their  dusk  and  dew 

When  the  dearest  of  days  would  fall. 


THE   CHILDREN'S   PARTY 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  257 

To  the  beautiful  home  our  Christmas  comes, 

To  the  home  that  is  safe  and  sweet, 
With  its  doors  ajar  for  the  beam  of  the  Star, 

And  its  corner  for  love's  retreat. 
There  the  mark  on  the  wall  for  the  golden  head 

Is  higher  a  bit,  for,  lo ! 
Between  Christmas  coming  and  Christmas  sped 

There's  time  for  the  bairn  to  grow. 


Our  Christmas  comes  with  a  royal  grace, 

(Forget  the  ancient  grudge!) 
'Tis  the  open  hand  that  must  bless  the  land, 

(Uplift  the  toiling  drudge!) 
And  who  that  has  gifts  shall  hold  them  back, 

And  who  that  has  cheer  shall  wait, 
When  there's  joy  in  the  sky,  and  the  ill  things  fly, 

And  the  Christ-Child  knocks  at  the  gate. 


'Tis  a  beautiful  time  when  Christmas  comes 

All  up  the  street  and  down, 
For  hearts  alight  make  faces  bright 

When  Christmas  comes  to  town. 
Neighbor  and  friend  in  gladness  meet 

And  all  are  neighbors  dear, 
When  the  Christmas  peace  bids  evil  cease 

In  the  holiest  day  of  the  year. 


The  fair  white  fields  in  silence  lie, 

Invisible  angels  go 
Over  the  floor  that  sparkles  hoar 

With  the  glitter  of  frost  and  snow. 
And  they  scatter  the  infinite  balm  of  heaven 

Wherever  on  earth  they  stray, 
And  heaven's  own  store  of  bliss  they  pour 

On  the  earth  each  Christmas  Day. 


258  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Tis  a  beautiful  task  our  Christmas  brings 

For  old  and  young  to  share, 
With  jingle  of  bells,  and  silvery  swells 

Of  music  in  the  air. 
To  make  the  sad  world  merry  awhile, 

And  to  frighten  sin  away, 
And  to  bless  us  all,  whate'er  befall, 

Is  the  task  of  Christmas  Day. 


THE  CHRISTMAS  TREE 

Straight  and  green  and  spicy  and  sweet,  the  Christmas  tree 
must  be  brought  and  set  up  in  the  house.  The  twinkling 
tapers  should  star  its  boughs  and  every  branch  be  loaded 
down  with  gifts.  If  there  are  children  in  the  house  they  must 
make  gifts  to  each  other  and  to  their  parents,  and  the  tree  will 
not  be  complete  unless  there  are  gifts  on  it  for  other  less 
fortunate  children. 

THE  SUNDAY  SCHOOL  FESTIVAL 

Thousands  and  tens  of  thousands  of  children  anticipate  the 
Christmas  festival  in  the  Sunday  school  with  an  eagerness 
older  hearts  cannot  feel.  But  look  back,  you  who  are  in  the 
thick  of  the  battle,  bearing  the  burden  and  the  heat  of  the 
noonday,  and  try  to  be  again  as  you  were,  when  your  years 
were  very  few.  The  best  thing  Christmas  does  for  you  and 
me  is  that  it  wakens  chords  that  have  been  dumb,  and  that  all 
melodies  make  their  music  for  us,  so  that  we  step  along  with 
the  exhilaration  and  positive  delight  we  had  in  our  early  days. 
In  the  joyous  kingdom  of  the  Child  who  was  born  in  Beth- 
lehem of  Jndea  we  are  children  again.  So  we  pray  that  Christ 
may  be  born  anew  in  our  world-hardened  hearts,  that  souls 
annealed  by  selfishness,  and  shriveled  by  greed,  and  atrophied 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  259 

by  sin,  may  become  soft  and  tender  once  more,  as  we  kneel 
before  the  little  Son  of  Mary. 

A  Sunday  school  festival  may  be  of  two  kinds.  We  may 
so  order  it  that  every  child  shall  receive  a  gift,  a  box  of  candy 
— which  is  a  great  treat  to  children  who  seldom  taste  it — a 
toy,  a  doll,  a  pair  of  skates,  or  something  a  child  longs  for  to 
wear,  and  this  is  a  good  way  when  our  children  come  from 
homes  of  want  and  poverty.  Even  then  they  will  wholly  miss 
the  subtle  gladness  of  Christmas,  if  we  do  not  so  plan  that  they 
shall  have  their  little  offerings  for  others  poorer  than  them- 
selves which  they  may  give. 

The  children  of  comfortable  homes  who  have  had  a  Christ- 
mas absolutely  crammed  with  pleasures,  so  there  is  danger  of 
their  being  surfeited  with  gifts,  should  be  encouraged  to  make 
the  Sunday  school  festival  a  fete  for  others.  They  should 
bring,  as  a  substitute  for  gold,  frankincense,  and  myrrh,  their 
toys  and  dolls,  their  treasures,  and  also,  bought  with  their  own 
money,  something  very  useful  for  poor  and  desolate  children. 

No  Christmas,  either  in  the  home  or  the  Sunday  school,  is 
complete  if  it  lacks  the  essential  of  self-denial.  Our  blessed 
Lord  came  not  to  be  ministered  unto,  but  to  minister,  and  we, 
who  would  follow  in  his  footsteps,  must  always  count  our- 
selves happy  when  our  service  costs  nothing. 

A  CHRISTMAS  BASKET 

Among  the  pleasant  things  devised  by  one  Christ-loving 
woman  has  been  the  sending  of  a  Christmas  basket,  filled  with 
dainties,  to  a  family  who  have  few  luxuries.  She  seeks  out 
a  desolate  family,  and  packs  her  basket  with  a  turkey,  ready 
for  the  oven,  cranberries,  celery,  potatoes,  and  turnips  being 
added,  with  a  generous  mince  pie.  In  the  little  spaces  are 
cookies  and  nuts  and  raisins,  and  a  letter  containing  a  message 


260  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

of  hope  and  cheer.  This  basket  is  set  down  at  the  door,  a 
vigorous  knock  is  given,  and  then  the  donor  hides  until  sure 
that  the  basket  has  been  secured  by  the  right  person.  Who 
sent  it  is  a  secret  that  the  letter  does  not  disclose. 

Among  the  most  desolate  households  in  any  town  or  village 
are  those  of  men  who  have  been  sent  to  prison  for  crimes. 
With  the  breadwinner  shut  up  behind  stone  walls,  wife  and 
children  suffer  very  great  privations,  enduring  as  well  the 
shameful  stigma  that  is  so  hard  to  bear,  the  token  that  some- 
thing worse  than  death  has  torn  away  the  one  who  was  their 
main  support. 

Such  families  should  be  commiserated  and  assisted.  If 
you  cannot  do  this  in  person,  do  it  through  the  Volunteers  of 
America.  Mrs.  Ballington  Booth,  of  that  organization,  is 
called  "Little  Mother"  by  prisoners  from  Maine  to  California, 
and  she  will  put  anyone  in  communication  with  destitute  and 
down-hearted  people  at  Christmastide.  So,  too,  will  The 
Christian  Herald,  which  has  its  multiform  ways  of  wisely 
helping  the  heavy-laden  children  of  men. 

GOOD  MANNERS  IN  CHARITY 

"Let  not  your  left  hand  know  what  your  right  doeth,"  ii. 
the  maxim  that  is  most  important  in  charity.  When  our  alms- 
giving is  proclaimed  as  with  the  sound  of  a  trumpet  it  ceases 
to  be  spontaneous  kindness  and  becomes  vulgar  self-praise. 

"Give  as  the  morning  that  flows  out  of  heaven, 
Give  as  the  waves  when  their  channel  is  riven, 
Lavishly,  utterly,  carelessly  give." 

Give  lovingly.  Give  as  it  has  been  given  unto  you  and  me 
Not  grudgingly  must  we  ever  give,  remembering  that  oui 
Lord  loves  and  owns  a  cheerful  giver. 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  261 

"I  wish/'  sorrowfully  said  a  man  whose  estate  is  vast  and 
whose  wealth  is  counted  by  millions,  "that  I  had  learned  to 
give  when  I  was  younger,  for  I  cannot  give  it  now." 

Such  a  man,  grasping  his  money  with  a  despairing  clutch, 
is  a  pauper  for  all  his  wealth. 

The  woman  whose  name  is  honored  in  every  American 
home,  Helen  Miller  Gould,  who  makes  her  wealth  so  helpful 
in  many  necessarily  conspicuous  directions,  also  aids  in  sweet 
silent  ways  a  host  of  people  to  whom  her  acts  of  gentle 
thoughtfulness  are  a  ceaseless  blessing. 

Good  manners  in  charity  and  in  our 

GIFTS  TO  MISSIONS  AND  CHURCH  WORK 

will  keep  us  from  frowning  stonily  when  the  contribution 
box  comes  round,  and  will  send  us  to  the  parlor  to  meet  and 
welcome  the  missionary  collector  with  a  cordial  hand  and  a 
smiling  face.  As  she  trudges  patiently  from  house  to  house 
she  is  often  shown  that  her  errand  is  not  popular,  and  names 
are  handed  her  in  condescension  and  patronage,  or  with  an 
evident  resentment  of  her  importunity.  Good  manners  here 
are  good  morals  too.  If  one  must  refuse,  do  it  with  regret 
and  graciously.  If  one  gives,  let  it  be  systematically,  the 
amount  periodically  laid  aside,  and  therefore  ready  to  be 
donated  at  the  proper  moment. 

ENTERTAINMENT  FOR  CHILDREN 

To  go  back  to  the  children.  Why  not  try  to  make  them 
happy  at  Christmas  and  all  the  year  round  in  some  natural 
way?  Stop  saying  "Don't."  Oftener  say  "Do."  Live  with 
them,  bear  with  them  if  they  are  boisterous.  Noise,  if  it  be 
mirthful,  and  not  quarrelsome,  belongs  to  the  season  of  child- 
hood. Teach  them  to  be  considerate,  and  not  to  make  a  noise 
at  the  wrong  times  and  in  the  wrong  places. 


262  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Here  are  some  agreeable  games  for  winter  evenings,  games 
that  the  whole  family  may  play  as  well  as  the  children. 

TWO  OR  THREE  GAMES 

There  is  a  new  game  called  "Spelwel"  which  cleverly  teaches 
people  how  to  spell  correctly.  It  is  played  by  means  of  cards, 
and  may  be  bought  at  any  store  where  toys  are  sold.  "Pit" 
and  "Flinch"  create  a  good  deal  of  fun. 

A  narrative  game  played  with  pencil  and  pad  is  amusing. 
It  may  be  styled  "Miss  Constance  Gary's  Haps  and  Mishaps." 
Have  slips  of  paper  ready,  on  which  are  written  words,  like 
"street  car,"  "shopping,"  "accident,"  "old  friend,"  "hansom 
cab,"  etc.  Each  person  writes  something  bringing  in  the  word 
desired,  and,  folding  over  what  is  written,  passes  it  to  a  neigh- 
bor. In  the  end  the  haps  and  mishaps  of  Miss  Constance 
create  a  good  deal  of  innocent  diversion. 

Mrs.  Sherwood  in  one  of  her  books  tells  of  a  good  animal 
game: 

"The  game  called  'The  Language  of  Animals'  is  one  for 
philosophers.  Each  player  takes  his  pencil  and  paper,  and  de- 
scribes his  feelings,  emotions,  and  passions  of  an  animal  as 
if  he  were  one.  As,  for  instance,  the  dog  would  say:  'I  feel 
anger,  like  a  human  being.  I  am  sometimes  vindictive,  but 
generally  forgiving.  I  suffer  terribly  from  jealousy.  My 
envy  leads  me  to  eat  more  than  I  want,  because  I  do  not  wish 
Tray  to  get  it.  Gluttony  is  my  easily  besetting  sin,  but  I 
never  got  drunk  in  my  life.  I  love  my  master  better  than  any- 
one ;  and  if  he  dies,  I  mourn  him  till  death.  My  worst  sorrow 
is  being  lost;  but  my  delights  are  never  chilled  by  expecta- 
tion, so  I  never  lose  the  edge  of  my  enjoyments  by  over- 
raised  hopes.  I  want  to  run  twenty  miles  a  day,  but  I  like  to 
be  with  my  master  in  the  evening.  I  love  children  dearly,  and 


CHILDREN'S  ETIQUETTE,  ETC.  263 

would  die  for  any  boy.  I  would  save  him  from  drowning.  I 
cannot  wag  my  tongue,  but  I  can  wag  my  tail  to  express  my 
emotion.' 

''The  cat  says:  'I  am  a  natural  diplomatist,  and  I  carry  on 
a  great  secret  service  so  that  nobody  knows  anything  about  it. 
I  do  not  care  for  my  master  or  mistress,  but  for  the  house  and 
the  hearth  rug.  I  am  very  frugal,  and  have  very  little  appe- 
tite. I  kill  mice  because  I  dislike  them,  not  that  I  like  them 
for  food.  O,  no!  give  me  the  cream  jug  for  that.  I  am  al- 
ways ready  to  do  any  mischief  on  the  sly,  and  so,,  if  anyone 
else  does  anything,  always  says,  "It  was  the  cat."  I  have  no 
heart,  by  which  I  escape  much  misery.  I  have  a  gre^r  advan- 
tage over  the  dog,  as  he  lives  but  a  few  years  and  has  but  one 
life.  I  have  a  long  life,  and  nine  of  them ;  but  why  the  num- 
ber nine  is  always  connected  with  me  I  do  not  know.  Why 
"cat-o-nine  tails"  ?  Why  "A  cat  has  nine  lives,"  etc/  "  ? 


XVIII 
GOOD  MANNERS  IN  BUSINESS  RELATIONS 

AN  army  of  people  maintain  in  this  busy  land  the  relations 
that  exist  between  employer  and  employed.  Every  ferry  and 
railway  carries  morning  and  evening  a  mighty  host  of  young 
girls  who  are  going  to  business. 

From  certain  occupations  men  have  been  almost  crowded 
out,  owing  to  the  latter-day  situation  which  has  forced  woman 
into  the  labor  market.  Other  people  recall  days  when  a  gentle- 
woman obliged  to  support  herself  had  few  openings  where 
she  could  do  so  agreeably  and  gain  adequate  remuneration  for 
her  toil.  A  widow  kept  a  lodging  house  or  took  in  boarders ; 
a  spinster  opened  a  school  or  found  a  position.  If  she  had 
acquired  those  accomplishments  she  taught  music  or  painting. 
Being  unskilled  in  other  crafts,  hundreds  of  women  kept  the 
wolf  from  the  door  by  means  of  the  little  needle  that  they 
handle  well. 

To-day  women  may  select  from  numerous  varieties  of  well- 
paid  work  that  which  suits  them  best.  A  large  percentage  of 
high  school  graduates  immediately  enter  on  business  life. 
Men  still  monopolize  every  field  that  requires  physical  strength 
and  uninterrupted  endurance.  They  are  still,  it  must  be  ad- 
mitted with  a  blush,  the  superior  of  women  in  staying  power, 
accuracy,  and  diligence.  Doubtless  this  is  why  a  man  com- 
mands higher  pay  than  a  woman.  But  this  is  a  wide  theme, 
apart  from  our  present  consideration.  Both  man  and  woman 
must  take  pains  in  order  to  succeed. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  BUSINESS  RELATIONS  265 

THE  ATTITUDE  OF  THE  YOUNG  WOMAN  IN  BUSINESS  TO  THE 
MEN  AROUND  HER 

Suppose  a  young  girl,  not  very  long  out  of  school,  enters  a 
newspaper  office  as  a  reporter,  or  a  shipping  office  as  a  stenog- 
rapher, or  a  department  store  as  a  clerk.  Her  first  temptation 
is  to  expect  certain  concessions  and  courtesies  on  account  of 
her  sex.  If  she  is  late  on  reaching  her  desk,  or  keeping  her 
appointment,  or  arriving  at  her  post,  she  feels  aggrieved  if 
reproved,  and,  if  she  be  a  second-class  person — second-class 
in  good  sense,  in  training,  and  in  behavior — she  pouts,  tosses 
her  head,  mutters,  and  shows  herself  annoyed.  If  she  be. a 
thorough  gentlewoman  she  admits  the  justice  of  her  treatment 
and  tries  to  do  better.  Sentiment  and  business  are  not  allied. 

As  a  business  person,  a  girl  is  a  cog  in  the  machinery;  she 
is  simply  there  to  fulfill  her  part.  Therefore,  a  girl's  whole 
attitude  to  the  men  around  her,  her  fellow-clerks  and  her  em- 
ployers, should  be  strictly  impersonal.  In  the  countingroom 
and  the  store  and  the  factory  she  is  not  to  look  for  compli- 
ments nor  to  accept  special  attention.  Old  romances  which 
described  how  rich  merchants  fell  in  love  with  pretty  sales- 
women and  married  them  have  turned  many  a  foolish  head. 
As  a  rule,  employers  are  married  already,  or  are  bachelors 
from  choice,  and  their  home  relations  are  separate  from  their 
business  relations. 

A  young  girl  going  to  business  should  be  neat  and  trim; 
wear  clean  shirt-waists,  tidy  dresses  of  black  stuff  preferably, 
made  in  walking  length,  and  her  feet  should  be  comfortably 
shod.  No  matter  what  she  may  economize  in,  she  should  take 
care  to  wear  an  easy,  well-fitting  shoe.  An  angel  from  the 
skies,  compelled  to  work  all  day  in  a  department  store,  would 
cease  to  be  angelic  in  tight  shoes.  The  girl  should  dress 
modestly,  comfortably,  and  unobtrusively.  Her  hair  should 


266  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

be  neat.  Her  jacket  and  hat  should  be  in  the  approved  style, 
which  for  business  purposes  is  never  bizarre  or  conspicuous. 

The  clerk  who  is  valuable  to  her  employers  is  the  clerk  who 
knows  her  particular  stock,  keeps  it  in  businesslike  order,  and 
never  makes  a  mistake.  She  is  also  the  clerk  who  can  sell 
goods  both  to  those  who  desire  to  buy  and  to  those  who  are 
hesitating  and  reluctant. 

It  is  not  etiquette  for  saleswomen  to  gossip  behind  the 
counter  about  affairs  of  their  own  while  customers  vainly  de- 
mand to  be  waited  upon. 

No  woman,  or  man  either,  is  well-mannered  who  does  not 
give  entire  attention  to  the  thing  on  hand. 

A  stenographer  is  in  some  sort  a  private  secretary.  She 
must  be  above  noticing  matters  that  are  the  concern  of  the 
firm,  about  which  she  may  have  occasion  to  write  letters. 
When  she  leaves  the  office  she  leaves  its  business  behind  her. 

To  accept  invitations  from  her  employers  or  from  fellow- 
clerks  to  go  with  them  to  luncheon  or  to  attend  places  of 
amusement  with  them  after  business  hours  is  a  violation  of 
etiquette.  As  employers  they  have  no  right  to  give,  and  as 
employee  a  young  woman  has  no  right  to  receive,  this  sort  of 
attention.  Of  course,  this  rule  is  more  rigid  in  a  great  city 
than  in  a  little  village  where  friendly  acquaintance  may  modify 
the  situation,  but  as  a  rule  business  must  have  its  strict  limita- 
tions. Country  girls  coming  to  town  must  not  be  dazzled  by 
the  civility  of  associates,  which  means  no  gallantry,  but  is  only 
the  urbane  manner  of  well-bred  men  when  addressing  women. 

Neither  need  a  girl  go  about  with  a  chip  on  her  shoulder, 
suspicious  of  every  courtesy  and  rejecting  every  kindness. 
She  must,  I  repeat,  be  impersonal.  Her  duty  is  to  earn  her 
stipulated  wage  by  the  conscientious  and  faithful  perform- 
ance of  her  daily  tasks. 


GOOD  MANNERS  IN  BUSINESS  RELATIONS  267 

A  saleswoman  must  show  good  manners  in  waiting  on  her 
customers.  She  must  not  discriminate  between  customers  on 
account  of  their  dress.  She  must  be  as  polite  to  the  woman 
who  spends  five  cents  as  to  her  who  spends  five  dollars. 

To  snub  a  customer  or  to  show  crossness  or  irritability  to 
a  customer  who  does  not  buy,  and  to  exchange  covert  glances 
of  amusement  with  fellow-clerks  if  a  customer  is  at  all  eccen- 
tric, are  all  breaches  of  etiquette  that  are  inexcusable. 

GOOD  MANNERS  ELSEWHERE 

The  manners  of  women  to  one  another  in  other  branches  of 
trade  are  open  to  criticism.  The '  dressmaker  who  blandly 
promises  to  finish  a  gown  on  a  stated  day,  and  mendaciously 
disappoints  a  patron,  shows  very  bad  manners  indeed.  Equally 
the  lady  who  ignores  her  dressmaker's  appointment,  and  arrives 
an  hour  too  late,  shows  herself  a  person  of  inferior  breeding. 

Appointments  in  business  must  always  be  kept  punctually, 
or  there  is  a  violation  of  courtesy.  A  woman  may  not  rustle 
into  her  dentist's  office  a  half  hour  late,  and  expect  that  his 
chair  will  be  vacant. 

Good  manners  between  the  railway  officials  and  the  travel- 
ing public  exact  courtesy  on  both  sides.  Superfluous  ques- 
tions should  not  be  asked.  Civil  questions  should  be  pleasantly 
answered. 

Good  manners  forbid  a  passenger  to  storm  at  a  forgetful 
conductor  on  a  street  car.  The  conductor  if  well-mannered 
will,  if  possible,  treat  every  passenger  with  politeness  as  a 
guest  of  the  road  that  employs  him. 

In  brief,  good  manners  in  business  are  simply  condensed 
common  sense.  They  minimize  strain  and  forward  the  advance 
of  the  world's  incessant  work. 


XIX 

GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  ALL  BY  OURSELVES 

So  much  more  of  our  lives  is  spent  at  home  than  can  ever 
be  passed  abroad  that  it  is  more  than  important  to  cultivate 
good  manners  there.  Unless  people  living  in  the  intimacy  of 
the  same  family,  under  the  same  roof,  exercise  a  good  deal  of 
self-control,  or  unless  they  are  exceptionally  congenial  and 
amiable  people,  it  will  be  difficult  for  them  to  live  without 
some  friction.  This  is  more  or  less  the  case  wherever  family 
life  exists,  and  it  is  emphasized  where  people  of  strong  wills 
and  impulsive  temperaments  happen  to  form  the  family  group. 
Unless  each  member  of  the  circle  makes  it  a  matter  of  con- 
science never  to  speak  hastily  and  never  to  oppose  another 
with  any  bitterness,  and  frequently  to  yield  where  self-asser- 
tion is  natural,  there  will  not  be  peace. 

A  mother  was  one  day  speaking  of  her  two  young  daugh- 
ters. She  had  occasion  to  leave  home  for  a  visit  of  some 
weeks,  and  she  said,  "Margaret  is  the  more  executive  and  the 
better  administrator,  but  Mary  is  the  more  conciliatory  and 
gets  on  better  with  the  children,  so  that  I  think  I  shall  leave 
the  house  in  her  hands." 

It  is  a  great  gift,  this  of  conciliating  instead  of  oppos- 
ing, of  never  showing  any  rough  edges  or  sharp  angles,  and 
going  on  in  the  daily  routine  with  gentleness  and  without 
disturbance. 

A  good  deal  has  been  said,  and  well  said,  upon  the  subject 
of  good  manners  shown  by  the  young  to  the  old.  Everyone 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  ALL  BY  OURSELVES         269 

knows  that  deference  from  youth  to  age  is  a  pleasing  quality, 
and  everyone  agrees  that  young  people  should  bear  with 
patience  the  caprices  and  unreasonableness  of  those  who  are 
older. 

It  is  not  easy  for  some  people  to  grow  old,  and  they  are 
continually  fretting  against  the  irksome  restraint  of  their 
years,  nor  do  they  understand  that  it  is  a  necessity  of  nature 
that  in  time  each  person  must  give  way  to  the  younger  genera- 
tion. Those  fortunate  beings  who  are  in  the  heyday  of  life's 
morning,  with  the  whole  landscape  of  their  life  stretching  out 
before  them,  should,  indeed,  wait  with  courtesy  upon  those 
who  are  older,  and  who  feel  upon  their  brows  the  cold  sighing 
of  the  evening  breeze.  Nevertheless,  old  people  need  to  be 
reminded  that  they  are  often  very  trying,  possibly  inexcus- 
ably trying,  to  their  juniors. 

If  anyone,  whether  man  or  woman,  begins  to  realize  that  he 
or  she  is  growing  difficult  to  live  with,  that  one  should  stop 
short  and  see  what  may  be  done  to  remedy  this  wrong  situa- 
tion. 

Everything  about  our  age  is  relative  or  comparative.  To 
the  girl  of  sixteen,  the  woman  of  twenty-five  or  thirty  is  ma- 
ture and  the  woman  of  forty  or  fifty  is  old.  A  little  girl  said 
to  her  mother  one  day  in  answer  to  a  reproof,  "Of  course 
things  look  very  different  to  me  from  the  way  they  appear  to 
an  old  lady  like  you."  But  the  mother  was  not  yet  middle- 
aged,  though  she  seemed  old  to  her  little  daughter. 

As  one  goes  on,  forty,  fifty,  and  sixty  years  in  turn  do  not 
seem  old.  A  lady  of  seventy  wrote  to  a  friend,  "You  must 
make  haste  and  do  something  worth  living  for  before  you  are 
old."  Old  in  her  view  was  in  the  neighborhood  of  ninety.  I 
have  known  a  woman  ninety-three  who  said  she  felt  young. 

People  beyond  threescore  and  ten  often  feel  very  young. 


270  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

for  the  soul  does  not  age  with  the  body,  and  while  the  house 
we  live  in  falls  apart  the  soul  is  going  on  to  immortal  youth. 

When  people  begin  heartily  to  resent  offers  of  service  from 
young  people,  when  they  watch  with  pained  distress  the  lessen- 
ing of  the  sight  or  hearing,  when  they  find  that  they  can  no 
longer  undertake  the  task  that  once  they  dashed  off  like 
feather  weights — when,  in  short,  they  begin  to  feel  that  they 
are  old,  then  is  the  time  for  them  to  be  vigilant  lest  they  be- 
come tyrannical. 

Each  generation  has  its  own  standards,  its  own  ways  of  look- 
ing at  things,  and  the  old  should  hardly  expect  from  the  young 
the  same  formality  which  they  were  taught.  A  little  frivolity 
is  to  be  expected  in  the  young ;  a  thoroughly  staid,  severe,  and 
solemn  young  person  is  an  anachronism. 

There  are  lovely  old  people  who  are  the  centers  of  attraction 
in  the  homes  where  they  live.  Their  presence  imposes  no  re- 
straint on  the  others  and  they  thoroughly  enjoy  every  day. 

Mr.  Augustine  Hare  has  written  a  memoir  of  a  very  charm- 
ing old  lady,  Mrs.  Duncan  Stewart,  who  when  long  past  eighty 
was  asked  by  a  friend  if  she  still  found  life  entertaining. 
"Ah,"  she  said,  "it  is  so  interesting  I  shall  enjoy  my  life  to 
the  very  last  dregs." 

People  who  are  enjoying  life  are  seldom  hard  to  live  with. 
Those  who  are  continually  imposing  a  restraint  on  those 
around  them,  making  life  a  burden  to  others,  are  not  them- 
selves enjoying  their  days  as  they  might;  and  here  it  is  that 
the  old  people  in  the  home  may  be  cautioned  against  undue  en- 
forcing of  their  theories  and  their  wills  upon  others.  Es- 
pecially must  they  be  careful  if  they  are  depressed  and  sad. 

Homes  which  are  composed  of  parents  and  children  are  the 
ideal  homes.  Yet  there  are  many  homes  which  must,  in  the 
nature  of  things,  be  made  up  of  fragments  from  other  homes. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  ALL  BY  OURSELVES         271 

So  many  dear  ones  have  died,  so  many  have  been  scattered,  such 
changes  have  come,  that  there  is  often  just  one  here  and  one 
there,  perhaps  an  old-maid  aunt,  perhaps  an  old  bachelor,  per- 
haps a  widowed  sister,  and  several  such  people  have  come  to- 
gether and  must  form  a  home.  They  more  than  others  need 
to  be  careful  how  they  conduct  themselves  in  the  daily  tenor 
of  their  lives.  Their  behavior  is  a  test  of  their  breeding. 

Good  manners  at  their  best  will  lead  us  never  to  omit  thanks 
for  any  courtesy,  nor  to  forget  the  usual  forms  of  morning 
and  evening  salutation;  to  give  no  needless  trouble  to  serv- 
ants, and,  so  far  as  possible,  daily  to  do  that  which  is  right. 

"As  much  as  lieth  in  you,"  says  the  Scripture,  "live  peace- 
ably with  all  men." 

No  slight  thing  is  more  trying  than  the  habit  of  infringement 
upon  the  hours  of  meals  in  the  home.  Some  people  seem  to 
have  no  conscience  about  this.  They  are  never  in  time  for 
breakfast,  dinner,  or  tea.  The  man  lingers  late  at  the  office, 
loses  his  train,  and  comes  home  to  find  the  dinner  cold  or  over- 
done. A  little  pains  on  his  part  would  have  brought  him  home 
by  an  earlier  train.  Why  should  lovers  take  such  pains  to 
carry  flowers  and  little  presents  as  graceful  surprises  to  the 
girls  they  are  courting,  while  husbands  so  seldom  think  to 
stop  when  they  pass  a  florist's  shop?  The  wife  not  less  than 
the  sweetheart  enjoys  the  surprises  of  a  little  gift  when  there 
is  no  anniversary  or  especial  reason  to  bring  it.  Why  should 
not  the  wedding  anniversary  and  birthday  be  kept  as  festive 
clays  in  the  home?  Why  should  we  so  often  ignore  the  fact 
that  we  are  simply  living,  and  working,  and  saving,  while  life 
itself  is  drifting  by  and  we  are  getting  little  good  from  it? 

Successful  home  life  requires  as  much  attention  and  care 
as  successful  gardening,  or  successful  business  life,  or  suc- 
cess anywhere  else. 


272  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

HUSBAND  AND  WIFE 

A  husband  should  never  cease  to  be  a  lover,  or  fail  in  any 
of  these  delicate  attentions  which  are  due  a  wife,  and  which 
are  doubly  due  her  as  wife  and  as  woman. 

An  unkind  word  should  never  be  said  to  the  wife,  or  of  her. 

It  is  wrong  to  jest  with  one's  wife  upon  subjects  in  which 
there  is  danger  of  wounding  her  feelings. 

It  is  foolish  to  praise  some  virtue  in  another  man's  wife  be- 
fore one's  own. 

A  husband  ought  not  to  reproach  his  wife  with  personal  de- 
fects, physical  or  mental,  or  upbraid  her  in  the  presence  of 
servants  or  strangers,  or  treat  her  with  inattention  in  com- 
pany. He  should  always  speak  of  her  to  strangers  as  Mrs. 

,  and  to  servants  as  "your  mistress,"  or  Mrs.  (giving  her 

surname). 

A  lady  will  always  speak  of  her  husband  as  Mr.  (with  sur- 
name), except  to  very  intimate  friends. 

To  wait  for  her  husband  at  meals,  to  ask  his  advice  upon 
subjects  about  which  she  is  not  certain,  to  dress  for  him,  and 
to  pay  him  all  the  respect  that  she  did  during  their  engage- 
ment, are  among  the  many  courtesies  that  a  woman  practices 
toward  her  husband. 

When  once  a  man  has  established  a  home  his  most  impor- 
tant duties  have  fairly  begun.  The  errors  of  youth  may  be 
overlooked ;  want  of  purpose,  and  even  of  honor,  in  his  earlier 
days,  may  be  forgotten.  But  from  the  moment  of  his  mar- 
riage he  begins  to  write  his  indelible  history ;  not  by  pen  and 
ink,  but  by  actions — by  which  he  must  ever  afterward  be  re- 
ported and  judged.  His  conduct  at  home,  his  solicitude  for 
his  family,  the  training  of  his  children,  his  devotion  to  his 
wife — these  are  the  tests  by  which  his  worth  will  ever  after- 
ward be  estimated  by  all  who  think  or  care  about  him. 


GOOD  MANNERS  WHEN  ALL  BY  OURSELVES         273 

Having  reminded  the  old  that  they  should  be  polite  to  the 
young,  we  may  again  enforce  the  propriety  of 

COURTESY  TO  THE  AGED 

Never  allow  yourself  to  retain  a  seat  while  old  persons,  no 
matter  who  they  are,  are  standing.  The  door  should  always 
be  opened  for  them,  and  every  possible  assistance  rendered 
them. 

It  should  not  be  forgotten  in  making  inquiries  at  a  friend's 
house  to  ask  after  the  older  members  of  the  family.  They 
should  always  be  remembered  in  invitations. 

In  conversation,  no  matter  how  tiresome  people  may  be, 
those  to  whom  they  are  talking  should  show  good  breeding  by 
listening  politely  and  attentively. 

One's  elders  should  never  be  contradicted.  They  are  to  be 
given  the  preference  in  everything.  If  they  have  peculiarities, 
we  have  them  too ;  nor  are  the  peculiarities  of  old  folk  a  proper 
subject  for  criticism  or  mirth.  Only  an  ill-natured  and  heart- 
less boor  will  under  any  circumstances  make  fun  of  the  old  in 
any  way.  An  old  person  should  be  always  spoken  of,  or  to, 
by  his  or  her  full  name. 


XX 

HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY 

So  lovely  a  function  as  a  girl's  coming-out  party  should  not 
be  omitted  from  a  book  of  this  intimate  and  friendly  charac- 
ter. When  a  matron  wishes  to  present  her  daughter  to  society 
she  gives  a  reception  for  the  purpose. 

The  rosebud  garden  of  girls  is  so  beautiful  that  the  most 
blase  likes  to  be  invited  to  a  debutante's  party.  In  Mr.  James 
Lane  Allen's  delightful  book,  The  Mettle  of  the  Pasture, 
there  is  a  coming-out  party  at  which  three  radiantly  charm- 
ing women  of  one  house  are  in  line,  the  grandmother,  the 
mother,  and  the  daughter,  each  the  most  beautiful  type  of 
her  years. 

A  mother,  as  I  have  said,  issues  cards  for  her  daughter's 
debut,  and  the  affair  is  usually  set  for  a  winter  afternoon. 
January  and  February  are  the  popular  months. 

The  young  lady  is  dressed  in  white,  and  holds  a  bouquet. 
She  stands  next  her  mother,  and  next  to  her  may  stand  in  the 
receiving  line  several  of  her  girl  friends.  After  she  has  been 
thus  presented  she  is  eligible  in  society  as  one  of  its  members, 
and  may  go  anywhere,  to  dinners,  companies  of  every  kind, 
house  parties,  or  to  any  function  agreeable  to  herself,  always 
under  the  guardianship  of  her  mother. 

THE  DEBUTANTE 

in  her  first  season  is  an  object  of  peculiar  interest.    She  has 
been  in  the  background ;  now  she  is  on  the  center  of  the  stage. 


HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY  275 

Let  us  hope  that  she  may  not  marry  until  she  has  had  several 
seasons.  She  should  have  a  happy  time  as 

THE  DAUGHTER  OF  THE  HOUSE, 

its  chief  pride  and  ornament,  her  father's  darling,  her  mother's 
second  self,  her  brothers'  comrade,  and  her  sisters'  delight.  A 
long  girlhood  is  a  season  of  calm  spring  and  early  summer, 
and  girls  lose  their  birthright  who  do  not  enjoy  it  to  the  full. 

A  CHRISTENING 

Dean  Alford  has  written  a  very  beautiful  hymn,  on  the  bap- 
tism of  a  child,  which  introduces  the  infant  into  the  fellowship 
of  the  Church  of  God.  Where  people  do  not  believe  in  infant 
baptism,  as  some  excellent  branches  of  the  evangelical  Church 
do  not,  they  none  the  less,  without  the  ceremony,  dedicate  their 
little  ones  to  the  Lord's  service.  If  you  wish  to  have  a  christen- 
ing party  this  is  the  way  to  manage  it,  as  done  in  the  most 
exclusive  circles  at  home  and  abroad : 

Not  long  after  the  birth  of  a  child  friends  of  its  parents 
call  and  leave  cards,  inquiring  after  the  mother  and  child. 
When  the  mother  reenters  society  she  leaves  cards  with  her 
acquaintances.  The  child  is  usually  christened  when  it  reaches 
the  age  of  one  month  or  thereabouts ;  but  if  it  seems  likely  to 
die  the  ceremony  may  take  place  as  soon  as  a  clergyman  can 
be  procured.  The  godparents  are  usually  immediate  relatives 
or  friends  of  the  parents.  The  selection  of  godparents  is  often 
a  matter  of  considerable  delicacy  and  difficulty;  for  many 
people  are  reluctant  to  accept  the  office,  while  others  again, 
who  think  they  have  a  strong  claim  to  the  honor,  are  offended 
if  they  are  overlooked. 

Formerly  there  were  two  godfathers  and  two  godmothers. 
Now,  if  the  infant  be  a  boy,  he  has  two  godfathers  and  one  god- 


276  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

mother;  and  if  a  girl,  then  the  order  is  reversed.  The  god- 
parents are  chosen  from  the  relatives  and  friends  of  the  parents. 
For  the  first  born  the  sponsors  should  be  near  relatives,  pref- 
erence being  given  to  the  father's  family.  It  is  not  advisable 
to  choose  elderly  people  for  this  office ;  for,  although  its  duties 
are  supposed  to  cease  with  confirmation,  yet  the  association 
often  lasts  a  lifetime,  and  kindly  help  and  counsel  may  be  given 
in  later  days  by  the  godparent  to  the  godchild,  should  the  battle 
of  life  prove  hard,  should  parents  die,  or  friends  depart.  At 
a  baptism  which  took  place  in  1744  the  sponsors  must  have  been 
very  aged  relatives,  judging  from  their  kinship  to  the  infant. 
Its  godmothers  were  three  in  number — its  great-great-grand- 
mother, great-grandmother,  and  great-great-great-aunt.  Its 
great-great-great-great-uncle  and  two  of  its  great-great-uncles 
were  the  godfathers. 

That  it  was  the  general  custom  for  the  baptism  to  take  place 
very  soon  after  the  birth  may  be  gathered  from  Mr.  Pepys,  who 
writes  in  his  voluminous  Diary:  "We  went  to  Mrs.  Brown's, 
where  Sir  W.  Pen  and  I  were  godfathers,  and  Mrs.  Jordan  and 
Slopman  were  godmothers.  I  did  give  the  nurse  five  shillings, 
and  the  maid  two  shillings.  But,  inasmuch  as  I  expected  to 
give  the  name  to  the  child,  but  did  not,  I  forebore  then  to  give 
my  plate  which  I  had  in  my  pocket,  namely,  six  spoons  and  a 
porringer  of  silver." 

The  presents  at  christenings  are  generally  either  a  silver 
basin  or  spoon,  or  a  knife,  fork,  and  spoon,  or  a  silver  mug  and 
a  Bible  in  elegant  binding. 

The  christening  ceremony  in  England  and  her  colonies  takes 
place  in  a  church  or  chapel,  and  varies  according  to  the  cus- 
toms of  the  religious  denomination  to  which  the  parents  of 
the  infant  belong.  After  it  is  completed  the  guests  are  enter- 
tained at  luncheon,  or  invited  to  a  dinner  in  the  evening,  in 


HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY  277 

honor  of  the  child.  The  officiating  clergyman  is  asked  to  these 
entertainments,  where  the  infant  and  the  christening  presents 
are  usually  exhibited. 

In  many  parts  of  America  the  christening  ceremony  takes 
place  at  the  house  of  the  parents,  who  send  out  engraved  or 
written  invitations. 

DEAN  ALFORD'S  BAPTISMAL  HYMN 
"In  token  that  them  shalt  not  fear 

Christ  crucified  to  own, 
We  print  the  cross  upon  thee  here, 

And  stamp  thee  His  alone. 

"In  token  that  thou  shalt  not  blush 

To  glory  in  His  Name, 
We  blazon  here  upon  thy  front 

His  glory  and  His  shame. 

In  token  that  thou  too  shalt  tread 

The  path  He  traveled  by, 
Endure  the  cross,  despise  the  shame, 

And  sit  thee  down  on  high; 

"Thus  outwardly  and  visibly 

We  seal  thee  for  His  own: 
And  may  the  brow  that  wears  His  cross 

Hereafter  share  His  crown." 

FASHIONS  IN  NAMES 

There  is  mutation  of  fashion  in  our  Christian  names.  Many 
of  us  bear  family  names,  as  Ruth,  Eleanor,  Janet,  Margaret, 
Mary.  The  latter  is  the  favorite  name  for  women  in  Christen- 
dom, being  the  name  of  her  who  bore  our  Saviour.  Hebrew 
women  are  often  called  Sarah,  Rachel,  Hannah,  Leah,  Rebekah, 
after  the  Old  Testament  heroines,  but  they  have  no  monopoly 
of  these  beautiful  names. 


278  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

In  naming  a  child,  a  boy  or  a  girl,  parents  should  avoid 
grotesque  names,  or  those  that  are  not  euphonious,  as  they 
are  to  be  worn  through  life,  and  the  children  are  not  consulted 
in  their  choice. 

But  whatever  be  one's  name  it  is  customary  at  present  to  use 
it  without  a  diminutive  or  a  nickname.  Pet  names  are  strictly 
confined  to  the  privacy  of  one's  family.  A  Christian  name  is 
given  in  full  on  a  legal  document,  in  the  catalogue  of  a  school, 
a  business  directory,  a  church  register,  a  marriage  or  bap- 
tismal record.  Frances,  not  Fanny ;  Elizabeth,  not  Lizzie ;  Rich- 
ard, not  Dick ;  Thomas,  not  Tommy,  appear  in  public,  and  even 
tiny  tots  are  to-day  addressed  by  everybody  by  the  unabridged 
and  dignified  Christian  name. 

TO  RECAPITULATE 

Suppose  we  look  again  at  some  of  the  maxims  that  must  be 
observed  if  we  are  to  practice  the  fine  art  of  happy  living. 

"The  art  of  expressing  one's  thoughts  in  clear,  simple,  ele- 
gant English  is  one  of  the  first  to  be  attained  by  those  who 
would  mix  in  good  society.  You  must  talk,  and  talk  fairly 
well,  if  you  would  not  altogether  fail  of  producing  some  kind 
of  impression  upon  society.  To  have  something  to  say,  and  to 
say  it  in  the  best  possible  manner,  is  to  insure  success  and  ad- 
miration. The  first  thing  necessary  for  the  attainment  of  this 
valuable  accomplishment  is  a  good  education.  An  acquaintance 
with  the  current  literature  of  the  day  is  absolutely  essential 
to  a  good  talker.  A  perfect  familiarity  with  the  English  lan- 
guage, its  grammar,  pronunciation,  etc.,  is  indispensable. 
Those  who  have  to  contend  with  a  lack  of  early  advantages  in 
this  respect  can  supply  the  deficiency  by  private  study,  and 
close  observance  wherever  good  English  is  spoken. 

"The  voice  should  never  be  loud,  no  gesticulation  should 


HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY  279 

accompany  the  speech,  and  the  features  should  be  under  strict 
control. 

"Next  to  exceptional  grammar,  correct  elocution,  and  a 
frank,  easy  bearing,  it  is  necessary  to  be  genial.  If  you  cannot 
be  animated,  sympathetic,  and  cheerful,  do  not  go  into  society. 
Dull  and  stupid  people  are  but  so  many  clogs  to  the  machinery 
of  social  life. 

"The  matter  of  conversation  is  as  important  as  the  manner. 
Tact  and  good  feeling  will,  in  people  of  sound  sense,  indicate 
the  shoals  and  quicksands  to  be  avoided  in  conversation,  but 
for  safety's  sake  it  will  be  best  to  enumerate  a  few  of  them. 

"The  habit  of  'fishing'  for  compliments  is  notably  vulgar, 
and  it  is  one  in  which  a  certain  class  of  young  people  are  apt 
to  indulge,  especially  among  themselves  in  private.  It  indi- 
cates vanity  in  the  angler  and  begets  contempt  on  the  part  of 
the  one  who  from  interested  motives  nibbles  gently  at  the  bait. 

"All  'slang'  is  vulgar.  This  fact  cannot  be  too  forcibly 
impressed  upon  the  minds  of  the  young  people  of  this  day. 

"Long  arguments  should  be  avoided  in  general  company. 
They  become  tiresome  to  the  hearers.  Always  endeavor  to 
change  the  subject  after  it  has  continued  a  reasonable  length 
of  time. 

"Religion  and  politics  are  two  subjects  to  be  avoided  in  gen- 
eral conversation.  People  usually  have  strong  prejudices  on 
both  these  points,  and  it  is  a  rule  of  good  breeding  to  respect 
the  prejudices  of  those  about  you. 

"Never  interrupt  the  speech  of  another.  This  is  an  unpar- 
donable sin  against  good  breeding. 

"A  good  listener  is  more  to  be  desired  than  a  fine  conversa- 
tionalist. In  order  to  be  a  good  listener  you  must  appear  to 
be  interested,  answer  appropriately,  briefly,  and  to  the  point, 
and  give  your  companions  generally  the  impression  that  you 


280  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

are  in  sympathy  with  and  highly  entertained  by  what  he  is 
saying. 

"Avoid  pedantic  displays  of  learning. 

"The  expression  of  immature  opinions  is  always  in  bad 
taste.  Persons,  young  or  old,  should  not  attempt  to  criticise 
books  or  art  unless  positively  certain  that  their  knowledge  of 
the  subject  is  sufficient  to  justify  the  criticism. 

"Be  very  careful  of  introducing  long-winded  anecdote  into 
the  conversation.  Nothing  is  more  awkward  than  to  find  an 
array  of  bored  faces  when  one  is  not  more  than  half  through 
a  long  story. 

"Repartee  should  be  indulged  in  only  moderately.  Other- 
wise it  may  degenerate  into  flippancy,  a  habit  much  to  be  con- 
demned in  a  certain  class  of  young  persons  who  think  them- 
selves unusually  clever,  or,  as  our  American  word  goes,  'smart.' 

"The  great  secret  of  talking  well  is  to  adapt  your  conver- 
sation to  your  company  or  skillfully  as  may  be. 

"People  take  more  interest  in  their  own  affairs  than  in  any- 
thing else  which  you  can  name.  A  wise  host  or  hostess  will 
lead  a  mother  to  talk  of  her  children,  an  author  of  his  book, 
an  artist  of  his  picture,  etc.  Having  furnished  the  topic,  you 
have  but  to  listen  and  acquire  a  reputation  for  being  amiable, 
agreeable,  intelligent,  and  well-bred. 

"If  you  would  not  be  unpopular,  do  not  always  be  witty,  no 
matter  what  your  natural  abilities  may  be  in  that  line.  People 
do  not  like  to  be  always  outshone. 

"Do  not  too  officiously  supply  a  word  or  phrase  if  a  speaker 
hesitate  for  a  moment ;  he  will  think  of  the  one  he  wants  or 
supply  another  in  good  time. 

"Never  correct  a  fault  in  pronunciation  or  in  facts,  in  com- 
pany or  in  private,  if  you  wish  to  retain  a  friend. 

"Avoid   such  colloquialisms  as  'says   I,'  'you  know/  and 


HERE  AND  THERE  ALONG  THE  WAY  281 

other  senseless  repetitions  that  might  be  mentioned.  Never 
speak  of  a  person  as  'a  party/  nor  refer  to  absent  persons 
as  'he'  or  'she.'  Give  the  name  of  the  lady  or  gentleman 
referred  to. 

"In  telling  a  joke,  do  not  laugh  yourself  before  the  point  is 
reached.  If  the  joke  be  original,  do  not  laugh  at  all. 

"In  a  tete-a-tete  conversation  it  is  ill-bred  to  drop  the  voice 
to  a  whisper. 

"Egotism  is  always  in  bad  taste.  Allow  others  the  privilege 
of  proclaiming  your  merits. 

"Never  speak  of  personal  or  private  matters  in  general 
company. 

"Avoid  as  much  as  possible  beginning  a  conversation  with 
stale  commonplaces,  such  as  'It  is  a  fine  day/  'The  weather  is 
charming/  etc. 

"Do  not  speak  slightingly  of  the  city  or  neighborhood  in 
which  you  may  be  visiting.  By  offending  the  prejudices  of 
those  about  you,  you  render  yourself  extremely  disagreeable. 

"Avoid  all  excitability  and  dogmatism  in  conversation. 
Nothing  is  more  annoying  than  to  converse  with  an  arrogant, 
loud-speaking  person. 

"Always  yield  the  point  in  conversation  if  you  find  the  argu- 
ment is  likely  to  become  violent. 

"Avoid  lavishing  praise  on  the  members  of  your  own  family. 
It  is  almost  as  bad  as  praising  yourself. 

"It  is  exceedingly  bad  taste  to  parade  the  fact  that  you  have 
traveled  in  foreign  countries,  or  that  you  are  acquainted  with 
distinguished  or  wealthy  people,  that  you  have  been  to  college, 
or  that  your  family  is  distinguished  for  gentility  and  blue 
blood. 

"Always  endeavor  to  contribute  your  quota  to  the  general 
conversation.  It  is  as  much  your  duty  to  entertain  as  to  be 


282  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

entertained.  Bashfulness  is  as  much  to  be  avoided  as  too  much 
assurance. 

"Never  ask  questions  of  a  personal  nature,  such  as  what 
a  certain  article  cost,  or  why  so-and-so  did  not  go  to  the  opera. 
They  are  decidedly  impertinent. 

"Look  at  the  person  with  whom  you  are  conversing,  but  do 
not  stare. 

"Avoid  loud  laughter  in  society. 

"If  you  carry  on  the  thread  of  conversation  after  the  entrance 
of  a  visitor,  you  should  always  recapitulate  what  has  been  said 
before  his  or  her  arrival." 

REMEMBER 

We  pass  this  way  but  once.  Shall  we  not,  therefore,,  try  to 
the  uttermost  to  make  those  around  us  the  better  for  our  living, 
to  be  useful,  cheerful,  and  diligent,  to  practice  the  good  man- 
ners that  spring  from  the  kind  heart? 

There  is  wild  weather  enough  to  be  encountered  outside. 
We  who  love  one  another  must  see  to  it  that  no  storms  invade 
the  peaceful  harbor  of  home.  Whether  elsewhere  we  succeed 
or  fail,  in  our  household  life,  on  the  journey,  among  our 
friends  and  children,  and  in  society,  we  may  illustrate  the  finest 
graces,  and  stand  for  whatsoever  things  are  pure,  whatsoever 
things  are  lovely,  whatsoever  things  are  of  good  report. 


XXI 

WHEN  HOMES  ARE  TRANSPLANTED 

SOME  years  ago  a  family  that  had  been  living  for  many 
years  in  a  Northern  city  found  itself  obliged  through  business 
changes  to  seek  a  home  in  the  South.  There  was  no  help  in  the 
matter,  as  the  father  was  compelled  to  go  where  he  was  sent, 
the  large  and  important  interests  with  which  he  was  connected 
requiring  his  presence  in  the  new  locality.  To  the  wife  and 
daughters  the  change  was  a  great  trial.  They  were  leaving  a 
circle  of  relatives  of  whom  they  were  very  fond,  and  parting 
company  with  dear  friends,  with  their  own  church  and  the 
various  associations  that  had  become  precious  and  endeared 
through  the  years.  But  as  the  removal  was  necessary  they 
yielded  gracefully.  Everything  in  the  unfamiliar  environment 
at  first  perplexed  and  troubled  them.  The  ways  of  the  people 
were  not  precisely  theirs ;  the  style  of  housekeeping  was  alto- 
gether different  from  that  to  which  they  had  been  accustomed. 
The  shiftless  ways  of  the  colored  servants  drove  the  mistress 
of  the  house  to  desperation.  She  could  not  accustom  herself 
to  having  the  washing  and  ironing  extend  over  an  entire  week, 
the  last  of  the  clean  clothes  coming  upstairs  late  on  Sunday 
morning  when  she  was  about  ready  to  lay  aside  the  soiled 
clothing  for  the  next  week's  washing.  Remonstrating  with 
the  laundress,  she  received  the  unexpected  reply,  "Whar's 
de  use,  honey,  ob  my  hurrying  wiv  dese  close.  You  all'd  only 
fin'  more  wuk  fo'  me  to  do  if  I  did." 

The  easy-going  heedlessness  of  domestic  service  tried  her 


284  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

very  soul.  She  did  not  feel  acquainted  with  her  neighbors, 
nor  did  her  daughters  very  soon  make  friends.  One  day  she 
wrote  to  her  mother  at  home :  "I  never  thought  I  could  be  so 
miserably  discontented.  I  hate  every  brick  and  stone  in  this 
city.  I  shall  never  like  it  or  the  people,  and  I  know  they  will 
never  like  me.  But  for  John's  sake  I  must  stay  here." 

The  mother's  answer  was  to  this  effect:  "I  have  lived  more 
years  than  you  have,  and  you  are  making  up  your  mind  too 
soon.  One  can  enjoy  any  place  where  her  husband  and  chil- 
dren are  if  only  she  makes  up  her  mind  to  look  for  the  bright 
side.  Of  course  if  you  dislike  people  they  will  dislike  you. 
Try  to  see  their  good  points.  Meet  them  halfway.  Do  not 
give  up  to  discouragement.  In  time,  you  will  discover  that 
your  transplanted  roots  are  taking  hold  in  the  new  soil,  and 
you  will  cease  to  feel  so  homesick  as  you  do  at  present." 

The  mother's  advice  was  taken.  The  family  stopped  worry- 
ing and  tried  contentedly  to  readjust  themselves.  Before  very 
long  they  discovered  the  old  truth  that  kind  hearts  are  every- 
where, that  one  may  get  new  ideas  and  act  upon  them,  even 
when  one  is  quite  convinced  that  one's  old  ways  are  the  best, 
and  that  sturdy  friendships  may  blossom  from  a  virgin  soil. 

WHO  SHALL  MAKE  THE  FIRST  CALL? 

As  a  rule,  when  a  bride  or  an  older  woman  moves  into  a  new 
place  the  neighbors  call  on  her  first,  but  neighbors  are  some- 
times shy.  A  lady  came  as  a  minister's  wife  from  Alabama  to 
live  in  a  New  Jersey  town.  Her  husband's  parish  was  largely 
composed  of  plain  working  people  who  felt  some  diffidence 
with  regard  to  their  minister's  wife.  She  waited  a  little  while 
for  the  congregation  to  call  upon  her,  but  nobody  came. 
Gradually  she  ascertained  that  the  ladies  were  all  waiting  for 
her  to  make  the  first  advances,  and  one  of  them  said,  "You 


WHEN  HOMES  ARE  TRANSPLANTED  285 

haven't  been  to  see  me  yet;  I  have  been  looking  for  you." 
Another  remarked,  "I  suppose  by  this  time  you  are  settled  in 
the  parsonage,  and  I  hope  you  will  soon  have  time  to  call."  It 
dawned  upon  my  friend  that  the  women  whom  she  met  in 
church  on  Sunday  and  in  the  Sunday  school  were  regularly 
dressing  to  receive  her  every  afternoon,  and  that  they  would  be 
much  disappointed  if  she  did  not  give  them  the  pleasure  of  wel- 
coming her  in  their  homes.  After  she  did  this  she  found  no 
trouble  in  convincing  them  that  the  parsonage  was  their  own, 
a  place  sure  to  be  brightened  by  their  coming,  if  only  they 
would  lay  aside  their  reserve. 

ETIQUETTE  FOR  THE  PASTOR'S  WIFE 

This  is  a  good  place  to  say  that  in  large  cities  it  is  not  now 
expected  that  the  wives  of  ministers  shall  make  calls  on  the 
congregation,  nor  are  they  held  to  strict  account  if  they  are 
out  when  parishioners  call.  They  often  have  a  day  or  an  even- 
ing at  home  during  the  winter  when  they  receive  whoever  may 
come.  But  even  this  is  not  obligatory.  A  minister's  wife, 
however,  who  is  sociable  and  friendly  and  makes  herself  be- 
loved by  her  husband's  people  does  much  to  strengthen  his 
work,  and  to  build  him  up  in  the  affection  of  the  flock  he 
guides.  In  villages  and  country  places  it  is  still  very  desirable 
that  the  minister's  wife  should  have  agreeable  relations  with 
the  families  of  the  parish.  She  should  be  a  woman  of  rare 
tact  and  discretion,  showing  equal  courtesy  to  everybody,  and 
avoiding  too  great  intimacy  with  individuals  or  the  identifica- 
tion of  herself  with  cliques. 

THE  FIRST  CALL  IN  A  NEW  PLACE 

I  am  often  asked,  "How  soon  shall  I  return  a  first  call  in  a 
new  place?"  There  is  no  special  rule,  but  it  ought  to  be  re- 


286  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

turned  very  soon — within  a  week  or  a  fortnight.  If  a  wife 
can  persuade  her  husband  to  make  a  call  with  her  in  the  evfn- 
ing,  both  will  find  themselves  on  the  highway  to  making  what 
is  always  desirable,  real  neighborly  acquaintance.  People 
sometimes  grow  very  selfish  and  exclusive  when  they  simply 
stay  at  home.  It  is  worth  while  to  make  a  little  effort  both  to 
receive  graciously  and  to  go  out  cheerfully  when  one  is  a  mem- 
ber of  a  community. 

Courtesy  consists  in  doing  largely  as  we  would  be  done  by. 
"In  the  intercourse  of  social  life,  the  importance  of  little  things 
is  very  great.  Trifles  are  capable  of  expressing- a  greater  degree 
both  of  regard  and  disregard  than  larger  actions." 

I  mention  this  because  a  tired  man  or  a  weary  woman  some- 
times is  disinclined  to  take  the  trouble  of  donning  appropriate 
dress  for  an  evening  call.  Only  upon  extremely  intimate 
friends  is  it  ever  permissible  to  run  in  familiarly  with  a  shawl 
or  golf  cape  around  one,  and  with  no  special  effort  to  look  a 
little  better  than  one  does  at  home.  In  calling  upon  compara- 
tive strangers  a  lady  wears  hat  and  gloves  and  a  nice  gown, 
and  a  man  if  accustomed  to  evening  dress  wears  it ;  if  not,  he 
lays  off  his  business  suit  and  dresses  himself  in  frock  coat, 
gray  trousers,  and  fresh  tie.  More  pleasure  than  we  think  is 
given  and  received  through  being  properly  dressed  for  what- 
ever part  we  have  to  play. 


XXII 
SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS 

NEITHER  at  home  nor  in  society  can  we  afford  to  ignore 
dress.  No  woman  who  respects  herself,  and  no  man  who  de- 
sires to  be  respectful  to  women,  can  afford  to  be  careless  and 
negligent  in  the  costume  adopted  for  work  or  recreation. 
Good  manners  require  that  we  should  be  suitably  dressed  on 
every  occasion.  Not  long  ago  the  newspapers  published  a  de- 
scription of  a  young  woman  who  crossed  the  Atlantic  in  a 
white  evening  gown,  low-necked  and  profusely  trimmed  with 
lace,  with  white  satin  slippers  and  everything  else  that  went 
with  that  toilet.  For  some  extraordinary  reason  the  young 
woman  had  been  compelled  to  make  her  voyage  in  this  most 
uncomfortable  and  altogether  unsuitable  style.  She  was  as 
much  out  of  place  as  a  girl  I  knew  in  my  youth,  who  being  ex- 
tremely indignant  at  her  mother's  second  marriage,  which  she 
refused  to  countenance,  actually  made  her  appearance  at  a 
brilliant  wedding  reception,  among  generals  in  uniform,  dig- 
nified statesmen,  and  men  and  women  of  marked  elegance  and 
distinction,  arrayed  in  a  dressing  sack  and  tumbled  skirt,  with 
unkempt  hair  and  tear-swollen  eyes.  She  was  a  blot  on  the 
splendor  of  the  function.  In  both  these  cases  the  dress  was 
glaringly  out  of  keeping  with  time  and  place.  Almost  equally 
shocking  so  far  as  taste  is  concerned  is  the  ordinary  spectacle 
of  a  well-dressed  woman  calmly  dragging  a  trained  dress  on 
the  pavement,  to  its  own  detriment  and  the  great  inconven- 
ience of  every  pedestrian.  From  a  sanitary  standpoint  alone, 


288  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

the  proper  dress  for  the  street  is  short,  either  ankle  or  instep 
length,  as  a  woman  may  prefer,  but  never  so  long  that  it  trails 
on  the  ground.  One  shudders  to  think  of  the  pollution  gath- 
ered up  by  a  skirt  that  not  merely  touches  but  drags  on  the 
sidewalk,  gathering  up  microbes  by  the  hundred,  and  bringing 
into  a  clean  house  dirt  of  every  description. 

Many  women  wish  to  know  what  should  be  the  proper 

DRESS  FOR  SCHOOL  GIRLS 

The  dress  of  young  girls  at  school  should  be  extremely 
simple,  but  should  be  substantial  and  strong.  Colors  chosen 
should  suit  the  youthful  wearer,  and  a  schoolgirl  should  not  be 
compelled  to  adopt  a  dress  which  she  dislikes. 

For  school  dress  in  winter,  serge,  cheviot,  or  twilled  flannel 
will  be  suitable,  and  nothing  is  prettier  than  a  bright  plaid; 
two  dresses  for  everyday  wear  are  enough  for  winter.  In  sum- 
mer cotton  fabrics  meet  the  need,  and  more  changes  must  be 
planned  for.  Avoid  all  elaboration  and  trimming.  A  better 
dress  may  be  arranged  for  Sunday  and  for  visiting.  A  girl  of 
fourteen,  like  her  elders,  depends  a  good  deal  upon  shirt- 
waists, which  have  the  advantage  of  being  easily  laundered, 
so  that  she  may  always  look  fresh  and  dainty.  Should  you 
send  your  daughter  away  to  school,  see  that  she  has  a  supply 
of  warm  underclothing  to  be  worn  next  the  skin,  and  that  all 
her  skirts,  drawers,  and  other  articles  of  dress  are  very  neatly 
made,  and  are  not  overloaded  with  embroidery  and  ruffles. 
Dark  skirts  are  to  be  chosen  rather  than  white  for  a  girl  away 
at  school.  She  will  need  a  golf  cape,  a  thick  jacket,  and  a  rain- 
coat, two  pairs  of  shoes  for  everyday  wear,  one  nice  pair  for 
dress  occasions,  and  slippers  for  her  room.  Stockings  should 
be  supplied  in  abundant  quantity,  and  should  be  of  good  quality 
and  well  fitting.  Black  stockings  are  still  in  favor,  although 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS    289 

there  has  been  a  return  to  the  white  hosiery  once  so  much  in 
vogue.  A  gymnasium  suit,  blouse  and  divided  skirt,  and  a 
bath  robe  are  also  advisable. 

A  growing  girl  should  not  wear  a  corset.  A  corded  waist  is 
far  better  for  her.  Her  everyday  hat  should  be  a  very  simple 
toque,  and  her  best  hat  should  not  be  conspicuous  for  trim- 
ming. Young  girls  have  a  beauty  of  their  own  which  does 
not  need  to  be  enhanced  by  dress. 

In  sending  your  son  away  to  school  it  is  equally  important 
that  he  should  have  what  is  comfortable  and  agreeable.  Boys 
wear  out  clothing  so  rapidly  that  there  is  no  economy  in  pur- 
chasing anything  that  will  not  stand  somewhat  rough  usage. 

The  ideas  which  I  have  here  given  are  my  own.  As  there 
is  always  opportunity  for  a  little  difference  in  views  and  state- 
ments, I  think  it  possible  that  many  mothers  may  like  to  read 
what  a  New  York  fashion  editor  has  to  say  on  the  same  sub- 
ject. Her  list  is  a  little  longer  than  mine. 

"The  getting  of  a  girl  ready  for  school  is  interesting  al- 
though sometimes  a  bit  puzzling.  If  the  preparation  is  made 
for  a  boarding  school  it  requires  more  thought  than  if  the 
young  student  is  to  remain  at  home  where  her  wants  can  be 
supplied  as  they  develop.  True,  a  box  can  be  sent  to  her  now 
and  then,  and  this  gives  the  utmost  pleasure  whatever  it  con- 
tains. But  for  a  first  outfit  so  many  things  are  needed  that  care 
must  be  used  in  the  selection. 

"First,  the  underclothing.  Although  the  fall  may  be  late  and 
warm,  it  is  better  to  supply  fall  weight  in  knit  garments,  adding 
the  best  of  those  left  from  summer  wear,  to  use  until  the 
weather  becomes  settled.  Three  undervests  high  necked,  half 
long  sleeves  are  sufficient ;  four  pairs  of  drawers,  and  these  are 
warm  enough  if  of  good  stout  muslin.  They  should  not  be 
much  trimmed,  for  school  laundresses  are  not  always  pains- 


290  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

taking.  Hemstitched  ruffles  or  lace  are  better  than  embroider- 
ies. The  same  rule  holds  good  with  petticoats  and  corset  covers. 
Of  the  former  the  girl  will  not  need  more  than  two  or  three 
white,  as  colored  skirts  are  better  for  everyday  wear.  Percale 
in  the  colored  stripes  makes  up  nicely  for  these,  and  washes 
beautifully.  Three  under  petticoats  of  flannelette  will  serve, 
and  flannel  can  be  prepared  for  severer  weather.  Six  pairs  of 
stockings  are  quite  sufficient  to  start  with,  and  of  course  these, 
like  everything  else,  are  well  marked.  It  is  easier  to  lose  stock- 
ings and  handkerchiefs  in  the  wash  than  anything  else.  The 
handkerchiefs  should  be  marked  in  a  corner,  the  skirts,  draw- 
ers, and  corset  covers  on  the  waistband. 

"Three  pairs  of  shoes  and  a  pair  of  bedroom  slippers  should 
be  provided,  one  pair  of  the  shoes  being  low,  rubber-soled  for 
gymnasium  use.  Three  nightgowns  of  muslin  to  be  replaced 
later  by  three  of  flannelette  should  be  long  and  full  but  plain, 
and  there  should  be  a  flannel  wrapper.  This  is  pretty  made  as 
a  kimono.  For  dresses  the  provision  should  be  two  school 
gowns,  one  church  costume,  and  one  appropriate  for  the  little 
entertainments  the  girls  are  given  occasionally.  This  could  be 
challie,  light  colored  cashmere  or  albatross  or  a  foulard  silk, 
perhaps  one  used  as  a  best  dress  in  the  summer.  The  school 
dresses  should  be  of  dark  serviceable  material.  If  shirt-waists 
are  worn,  three  of  flannel  will  be  needed  and  two  more  of 
fancier  goods  such  as  challie.  A  church  costume  may  include 
skirt  and  jacket  and  a  silk  waist ;  this  is  supposing  the  girl  is 
old  enough  to  look  well  in  waists.  Another  jacket  will  be  re- 
quired for  everyday  wear,  and  a  waterproof  or  golf  cape  is 
most  useful.  Of  course  overshoes  and  umbrella  must  be  in- 
cluded. Then  a  best  hat,  a  walking  hat,  and  a  Tarn  o'Shanter 
for  bad  weather  will  be  needed.  Gloves,  ribbons,  collars,  and 
a  well-equipped  sewing  basket,  complete  the  list  of  things 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     291 

needed  for  bodily  comfort.  There  should  be  for  the  girl's 
private  use  a  supply  of  ordinary  and  of  nice  stationery ;  a  large 
writing  pad  with  blotter,  a  traveling  inkstand  of  good  size,  and 
a  tray  for  pens  and  pencils." 

THE  CARE  OF  CLOTHES 

From  The  Woman's  Book  (Charles  Scribner's  Sons)  I 
quote  some  admirable  hints  on  the  care  of  clothes : 

"If  half  the  secret  of  being  well  dressed  is  in  knowing  what 
to  wear,  the  other  half  consists  in  keeping  one's  clothes  in  that 
exquisite  daintiness  which  is  better  and  more  winning  than 
style.  The  best  time  to  take  care  of  one's  clothes  is  on  taking 
them  off,  if  possible.  Cloth  dress  skirts  should  be  brushed  be- 
fore they  are  hung  away,  by  an  open  window  and  with  a  whisk 
broom,  which  is  better  for  this  purpose  than  a  softer  brush. 
Silks  and  satins  are  best  cleaned  by  wiping  them  with  a  soft 
flannel.  All  spots  should  be  removed  as  soon  as  possible,  with 
a  suitable  detergent.  Grease  or  dust  on  wool  fabrics  that  do 
not  spot  are  best  removed  with  alcohol  or  naphtha ;  the  former 
does  well  for  wool,  but  naphtha  is  best  for  silk  and  delicate 
mixtures  of  silk  and  wool.  Fuller's  earth  or  French  chalk  is 
also  effective  in  removing  grease,  if  it  is  first  mixed  with  water 
enough  to  make  a  thick  paste,  spread  on  the  grease  spot,  and 
left  for  several  days.  If  the  first  application  does  not  remove 
the  spot,  the  second  usually  will.  Stains  of  any  kind  are  more 
difficult  to  remove.  Sometimes  some  tepid  water  and  Ivory 
soap  will  suffice,  but  experiments,  especially  with  ammonia  and 
other  strong  cleaning  agents,  are  usually  dangerous.  The 
safest  way  is  to  send  the  garment  to  a  professional  cleanser.  In 
removing  spots  from  delicate  fabrics,  if  the  color  be  affected, 
sponging  with  chloroform  will  often  restore  it.  If  the  spot  is 
made  by  an  acid,  touch  it  delicately  with  ammonia,  which  will 


292  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

neutralize  the  acid.  If  an  alkali,  such  as  ammonia,  soda,  or 
potash,  be  the  spotting  agent,  reverse  the  former  process  and 
touch  the  spots  with  weak  acid,  such  as  lemon  juice  and  water, 
or  vinegar  and  water,  with  a  soft  cloth.  Black  silk  is  best 
cleansed  and  renovated  by  being  first  rubbed  with  a  flannel, 
then  saturated  with  a  strong  mixture  of  tea  and  vinegar,  and 
ironed  while  still  wet  with  a  very  hot  iron. 

"Dresses  carefully  folded  and  laid  away  in  large  boxes  or 
drawers  probably  keep  fresh  longer  than  those  hung  in  a 
closet.  This,  however,  is  not  always  possible  in  the  case  of 
one's  everyday  frocks.  These,  if  hung  away  carefully,  the 
skirts  by  tapes,  and  the  waists  on  the  shoulder-frames  that  are 
made  for  that  purpose,  will  surely  not  suffer  thereby.  A 
clever  woman  once  made  a  substitute  for  these  curved  shoulder- 
frames  by  winding  barrel  hoops  cut  in  half  with  strips  of  soft 
cheese  cloth.  Coats  are  better  hung  by  loops  from  the  upper 
(not  under)  armholes,  than  folded  in  boxes,  as  their  own 
weight  is  likely  to  crease  them.  If  bags,  fastened  at  the  top 
with  a  drawstring,  be  used  to  encase  these  garments,  they  are 
always  hermetically  sealed  against  dust,  and  there  is  little 
added  danger  from  crushing.  Hats  and  bonnets  should  al- 
ways be  brushed  with  a  soft  brush  (a  paint  brush  is  excellent), 
subjected  to  that  dainty  digital  manipulation  which  will  restore 
any  disarrangement  of  the  trimming,  and  then  kept  in  a  hat-box. 
If  they  are  laid  on  a  shelf  instead,  a  cone  made  of  tissue  paper 
should  be  slipped  like  a  sheet  over  them. 

TO  PROTECT  GLOVES  AND  SHOES 

"Gloves  should  never  be  rolled  in  a  ball  when  taken  off  the 
hands, nor  should  they  be  laid  away  if  there  is  the  least  suspicion 
about  them.  Stretch  the  fingers  out  carefully,  smooth  the  body 
of  the  glove,  straighten  the  wrists,  and  then  lay  the  glove,  full 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     293 

length  if  possible,  in  a  box  or  case.  To  clean  gloves  nothing  is 
so  good  as  naphtha,  with  a  few  teaspoonfuls  of  ether  added  to  a 
quart.  Wash  the  glove  in  the  fluid,  just  as  you  would  a  pocket 
handkerchief,  then  lay  it  smoothly  on  a  cloth,  and  with  a  soft 
cloth  rub  the  especially  soiled  spots  until  clean.  Then  give  the 
entire  glove  a  second  washing  in  clean  naphtha  and  stretching 
out  again,  rub  everywhere  until  perfectly  dry.  This  last  will 
prevent  spotting.  If  this  method  be  followed  exactly,  the  re- 
sults will  be  as  satisfactory  as  the  work  of  professionals.  Shoes 
to  be  kept  in  good  condition  should  have  a  little  glycerine  or 
sweet  oil  rubbed  into  them  occasionally,  especialy  after  being 
wet.  Care  in  the  selection  of  a  shoe-dressing  is  very  necessary. 
One  that  contains  glycerine  and  no  ammonia  is  warranted  not 
to  crack  the  kid.  For  the  earlier  stages  of  shabbiness  before  a 
shoe-dressing  needs  to  be  applied,  nothing  is  so  surprisingly 
renovating  as  the  white  of  an  egg,  applied  with  a  soft  cloth  to 
the  leather,  after  this  has  first  been  wiped  free  of  dust.  If  you 
don't  believe  this,  try  it.  Russet  leather  should  never  be 
treated  with  anything  except  the  dressing  that  is  to  be  found 
for  that  purpose  in  the  reliable  shoe  shops.  Kid  and  satin  slip- 
pers may  be  cleaned  with  naphtha,  like  gloves.  So  may  the 
suede  shoes,  fashionable  not  long  ago.  Patent  leather  should 
always  be  treated  only  with  the  varnish  sold  for  the  purpose ; 
water  causes  it  to  lose  its  gloss  and  damp  cracks  it.  The  writer 
has  found  the  most  convenient  way  of  keeping  shoes  to  be  in 
a  small  open  bookcase,  in  the  bedroom,  where  each  pair  can  be 
carefully  placed  on  its  shelf,  and  a  cretonne  curtain  keeps  dust 
out. 

THE  PREDATORY  MOTH 

"Wraps  need  special  care  only  in  the  matter  of  packing  them 
secure  from  moths  when  not  in  use.  The  secret  of  packing 
garments  and  furs  aw*ay  from  moths  lies,  first,  in  exterminat- 


294  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ing  any  signs  of  eggs  from  the  garment,  and,  second,  in  effect- 
ually preventing  the  entrance  of  moths  to  the  place  where  they 
are  packed.  The  most  valuable  aid  to  the  destruction  of  eggs 
is  gasoline  or  naphtha.  First  brush  the  garment  or  whip  the 
furs  well,  then  with  a  tiny  sprinkling  pot  filled  with  naphtha, 
or  a  sponge,  saturate  the  garment  with  the  fluid.  It  will  not 
hurt  it  in  any  way  and  will  effectually  prevent  the  hatching  of 
any  eggs  that  have  been  laid  therein.  If  then  the  garment  is 
packed  in  a  box  or  trunk  which  is  or  can  be  made  proof  against 
the  moth-fly,  your  concern  for  coats,  furs,  blankets — anything 
treated  and  packed  thus — may  be  at  end.  This  may  be  effec- 
tually secured  by  pasting  cloth  or  paper  over  all  cracks  in  the 
box  and  even  over  the  lock  and  the  joining  of  lid  and  box. 

FINE  LACES 

"If  fine  laces  are  kept  in  a  box  of  powdered  magnesia,  which 
can  be  bought  very  cheaply  at  the  drug  shops,  they  will  keep 
clean  much  longer  than  if  they  are  kept  in  a  box.  When,  how- 
ever, it  becomes  necessary  to  clean  them,  it  is  best  to  send  them 
to  a  professional  cleaner's.  If  this  cannot  be  done,  then  the 
following  is  the  best  way  of  doing  the  work  at  home:  Baste 
each  piece  on  a  bottle  covered  smoothly  with  linen.  Beginning 
at  the  bottom  wind  the  lace  around  the  bottle,  basting  it  fast 
at  both  edges  to  the  linen.  Soap  it  well  with  Ivory  soap,  rinse 
well  by  plunging  up  and  down  in  a  pot  of  cold  water,  and  then 
put  it  into  a  pot  of  hot  water  and  boil  until  it  is  white.  Set  in 
the  sun  to  dry,  and  if  it  has  been  carefully  basted  it  will  need 
no  ironing. 

"Black  lace  may  be  renewed  by  passing  it  three  or  four  times 
through  liquid  made  by  dissolving  a  teaspoonful  of  spirits  of 
wine  and  a  teaspoonful  of  borax  in  half  a  teacupful  of  very 
soft  water,  then  rinsing  in  a  cup  of  hot  water  in  which  a  black 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     295 

kid  glove  has  been  boiled.    Pull  out  the  edges  of  the  lace  until 
nearly  dry  and  place  in  a  heavy  book  for  two  days  to  press. 

JEWELRY 

"Observe  that  jewelry  should  be  washed  in  hot  water  in 
which  has  been  dissolved  some  white  soap  and  ammonia,  using 
a  moderately  soft  small  brush.  Then  lay  in  a  box  of  sawdust 
to  dry,  and  the  result  will  be  satisfactory.  Stones  in  their  set- 
tings may  be  cleaned  by  using  the  soft  and  moistened  end  of 
a  wooden  toothpick  in  the  interstices.  Alcohol  is  also  effective 
in  dissolving  dirt." 

EVERYDAY  DRESS  FOR  BUSY  WOMEN 

It  is  possible  for  a  woman  to  do  most  of  her  own  work  and 
still  be  very  daintily  attired.  I  recall  a  lovely  little  lady  whom 
I  met  some  years  ago  in  a  parsonage  among  the  New  England 
hills.  She  was  as  beautiful  as  a  damask  rose,  yet  she  person- 
ally, with  her  own  hands,  did  nearly  everything  that  was  done 
under  her  roof.  She  dressed  a  great  deal  in  soft  grays  and 
browns,  and  was  always  spotless,  ready  to  step  into  the  parlor 
to  receive  a  friend,  or  to  go  across  the  street  for  a  call  on  a 
neighbor,  or  to  meet  the  Sewing  Society  or  a  Circle  of  King's 
Daughters  without  taking  time  to  change  her  indoor  dress. 
She  had  devised  for  herself  large  aprons,  high  in  the  neck  and 
long  in  the  sleeves,  coming  down  to  the  hem  of  her  dress. 
These  aprons  of  dark  serviceable  gingham  effectually  protected 
her  from  soil,  and  on  her  hands  she  wore  rubber  gloves  when 
it  was  necessary  to  put  them  in  hot  water.  No  woman  need 
entirely  ruin  her  hands  by  housework  if  she  will  follow  this 
simple  method,  and,  as  far  as  possible,  use  a  mop  for  washing 
her  cups,  saucers,  and  plates. 

Everyone  might  not  wish  to  imitate  the  example  of  my 


296  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

friend,  and  a  print  gown  made  prettily,  and  easily  washed  and 
ironed,  is  a  great  comfort  about  the  house.  Do  not  wear  wrap- 
pers or  any  variety  of  tea  gown  when  you  have  work  to  do. 
Negligee  dress  has  its  place,  and  is  both  comfortable  and  lux- 
urious when  worn  by  a  woman  taking  her  ease  in  her  own 
room,  or  resting  after  a  busy  day.  Indeed,  there  are  tea  gowns 
so  elaborate  and  expensive  that  they  have  completely  lost  the 
negligee  look  and  are  quite  nice  enough  to  be  worn  by  a  lady 
when  doing  her  best  to  be  attractive  to  husband  and  children 
in  the  evening  hours. 

Everyone  who  possibly  can  should  make  her  toilet  in  the 
afternoon  when  her  work  is  done.  It  is  very  depressing  to  a 
husband,  returning  home  after  a  long  and  strenuous  day,  to 
find  his  wife  in  a  dress  which  is  careless,  slovenly,  or  unbecom- 
ing. As  his  fiancee  she  did  not  think  it  too  much  trouble  to 
dress  beautifully  that  she  might  please  him.  Surely  a  husband 
is  worth  as  much  pains  and  care,  and  should  be  greeted  by  his 
wife  in  as  becoming  a  dress  as  she  can  achieve.  On  his  part, 
he  should  not  consider  it  a  burden  to  make  some  sort  of  prepa- 
ration, and  perhaps  a  change  of  dress,  before  sitting  down  to  an 
evening  meal. 

Children  care  more  than  mothers  sometimes  think  about  the 
way  their  mothers  look.  A  little  chap  of  six  gazed  pensively 
at  his  mother  one  day,  and  finally  said,  "I  really  do  think, 
mamma,  that  you  would  be  as  pretty  as  Fred's  mother  if  you 
only  had  some  pretty  clothes  to  wear."  The  mother  took  the 
hint,  and  afterward  dressed  more  charmingly  for  the  satisfac- 
tion of  her  little  son. 

The  old  question  whether  or  not  to  wear  corsets  is  always 
cropping  up.  By  some  advisers  corsets  are  considered  to  be 
the  root  of  all  evil.  They  attribute  to  their  baneful  influence 
every  malady  that  mars  woman's  beauty  and  ravages  her  health 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     297 

and  vigor.  Others  consider  a  corset  a  useful  adjunct  indis- 
pensable to  the  woman  who  cares  about  the  fit  of  her  gown. 
In  the  days  of  our  grandmothers,  when  a  corset  was  a  for- 
midable affair,  made  of  stiff,  unyielding  material,  with  a  bone 
up  the  front,  as  hard  as  a  ruler  and  as  inflexible  as  Spartan 
severity,  a  corset  was  an  instrument  of  torture.  In  Janice 
Meredith  Mr.  Paul  Leicester  Ford  introduces  his  heroine  in 
the  act  of  getting  into  her  stays.  Her  mother  with  relentless 
hand  draws  the  corset  lace  tighter  and  tighter,  in  order  to  give 
her  daughter  the  hour-glass  figure  which  was  then  greatly  ad- 
mired. No  wonder  women  fainted  when  tight  corsets  made 
deep  breathing  an  utter  impossibility.  I  remember  a  foolish 
girl  of  whom  tradition  said  that  her  death  by  consumption  was 
due  to  the  fact  that  she  slept  for  three  years  in  the  same 
abominably  tight  corset  that  she  wore  by  day,  never  changing  it, 
never  relaxing,  and  therefore  losing  the  chance  the  night  might 
have  given  her  to  resist  the  encroachments  of  the  day  upon  her 
lungs.  A  comfortable  corset  made  in  the  modern  fashion,  to 
fit  the  natural  figure,  never  tightly  laced  and  with  hose-sup- 
porters attached,  is  a  garment  the  pressure  of  which  no  woman 
need  dread. 

A  corset  may  cost  any  sum  from  two  dollars  to  twenty-five. 
Very  fastidious  women  have  their  corsets  fitted  and  made  to 
order,  and  almost  any  price  is  asked  for  them  by  the  women 
who  carry  on  the  business.  A  slender  person  need  not  worry 
about  securing  an  expensive  corset.  Stout  women  are  obliged 
to  think  more  about  the  effect  of  theirs. 

Whatever  a  lady  finds  most  comfortable  she  is  wise  in 
wearing.  As  to  the  fabrics  of  which  a  corset  is  composed, 
and  with  reference  to  its  color,  she  may  suit  herself.  If  she 
expects  a  corset  to  last  it  must  be  of  strong  material.  If  she 
is  indifferent  about  her  figure  and  desires  abundant  breathing 


298  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

room,  let  her  select  a  style  of  waist  that  has  no  bones  or  stiff- 
ness, and  then  arrange  her  clothing  so  that  its  weight  will 
depend  on  the  shoulders. 

A  red  nose,  imperfect  indigestion,  headaches,  and  a  bad 
temper  are  the  evils  that  come  in  the  wake  of  any  mode  of 
dressing  that  compresses  the  lungs.  A  wasp  waist  is  inele- 
gant. A  large  abdomen  is  as  great  a  defect  as  a  large  waist 
measure,  and  it  often  is  the  consequence  of  a  badly  chosen 
and  too  tightly  laced  corset. 

RAINY-DAY  DRESS 

Some  years  ago  a  club  of  practical  women  was  organized  for 
the  purpose  of  upholding  each  other  in  wearing  a  sensible 
rainy-day  costume.  This  consisted  of  a  short  skirt,  ending  well 
above  the  ankles,  broad-soled  shoes  with  a  cork  interlining  or 
else  with  leggings  and  overshoes,  so  that  the  ankles  were 
thoroughly  protected;  a  waterproof  jacket  or  coat  and  a  felt 
hat  completed  the  costume  in  which  the  ladies  sallied  forth  re- 
gardless of  storm  and  wind.  Some  sort  of  rainy-day  costume 
is  very  desirable  if  women  are  to  do  what  everyone  should — 
namely,  take  open-air  exercise  every  day  in  the  year,  let  the 
weather  be  what  it  may. 

Every  member  of  the  family  should  be  provided  with  an 
umbrella.  Nothing  is  more  annoying  and  fatal  to  good  temper 
than  on  a  rainy  morning  to  have  the  whole  family  skirmishing 
wildly  about  in  a  vain  search  for  an  umbrella.  Each  should  be 
provided  with  his  or  her  own,  and  it  is  not  an  unwise  precau- 
tion for  each  to  have  a  name  inside  the  umbrella. 

Twilled  silk  umbrellas  of  fair  quality  are  not  very  costly, 
and  are  light  and  serviceable.  These  are  usually  of  the  Gloria 
silk,  which  has  a  mixture  of  cotton  with  the  silk,  but  which 
wears  the  better  on  that  account,  although  it  is  not  so  con- 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS    299 

venient  to  handle  as  the  pure  silk,  which  is  lighter  and  less 
bulky. 

FANS  AND  PARASOLS 

Among  the  daintiest  and  most  prized  accessories  of  a  really 
elegant  feminine  toilette  are  parasols  and  fans.  Very  fastidi- 
ous young  ladies  try  to  have  these  pretty  articles  in  colors 
to  match  their  frocks,  but  when  economy  must  be  considered 
a  single  parasol  is  certainly  sufficient  for  a  single  summer. 
It  may  be  large  enough  to  keep  off  not  only  the  sun,  but  a 
sudden  shower,  or  it  may  be  a  dainty  and  coquettish  affair 
that  serves  its  purpose  if  it  interpose  a  shield  between  the 
eyes  and  a  too  brilliant  light. 

A  fan  is  purely  a  woman's  weapon  with  us,  but  in  the  far 
East  is  often  used  by  men.  A  Chinese  mandarin  has  his 
gorgeous  fan,  and  in  the  hot  climate  of  India  fans  are  wielded 
by  servants,  that  there  may  be  some  relief  to  their  masters 
and  mistresses  from  the  torrid  temperature.  In  the  hands  of 
a  pretty  woman  a  fan  is  eloquent,  and  aids  her  beauty  as  much 
as  any  other  finishing  touch  in  her  costume. 

DRESS  FOR  ELDERLY  LADIES 

It  is  a  mournful  fact  that  most  of  the  old  ladies  of  the  early 
twentieth  century  are  so  occupied  in  a  vain  effort  to  preserve 
the  semblance  of  youth  that  they  defeat  their  own  end.  The 
one  campaign  in  which  the  opposite  side  is  certain  of  an  ulti- 
mate victory  is  the  campaign  with  time.  Whosoever  rights 
time  wages  a  losing  battle.  People  as  a  rule  look  nearly  their 
age.  There  is  a  long  and  level  land  traversed  between  thirty- 
five  and  fifty  which  in  these  days  of  advanced  hygiene  and 
comfortable  circumstances  presents  few  pitfalls  and  which 
allows  women  the  privilege  of  remaining  young  unless  illness 


300  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

or  unusual  trouble  rob  them  of  their  bloom.  A  woman  at 
fifty  is  not  an  old  woman.  She  has  merely  arrived  at  the  youth 
of  old  age.  But  when  a  woman  beyond  sixty  spends  her  time 
in  trying  to  obliterate  wrinkles  and  vanquish  crow's-feet  she 
simply  convicts  herself  of  vanity  and  folly.  Why  not  be  dig- 
nified about  it  and  frankly  admit  that  one  is  no  longer  young, 
and  wear  with  equanimity  the  crown  of  silver  hair?  There  is 
an  art  of  growing  old  gracefully,  but  it  is  not  the  art  which 
apes  juvenility  and  is  deplorably  conscious  of  every  waning 
charm.  A  beauty  there  is  of  winter  as  of  spring,  and  a  beauti- 
ful grandmother  in  her  time  and  place  is  as  attractive  as  the 
debutante.  Mr.  James  Lane  Allen  in  one  of  his  books  con- 
trasts two  types  of  old  women.  One,  still  unfaded  and  un- 
worn, is  selfish,  greedy,  and  tyrannical,  an  odious  creature. 
The  other,  receiving  guests  with  her  daughter  and  her  daugh- 
ter's daughter,  is  as  exquisitely  lovely  with  the  sunset  light  on 
her  face  as  is  her  granddaughter  with  the  sheen  of  the  dawn 
trembling  within  hers.  Some  years  ago  a  novel  was  published 
with  the  piquant  title  Charming  to  Her  Latest  Day.  In  this 
book  the  author  gave  a  recipe  for  the  beauty  of  the  old,  which 
was  considered  to  be  a  mingling  of  vivacity  and  repose,  and  he 
said  very  wisely  that  a  woman's  dress  should  be  a  little  older 
than  her  face. 

It  is  a  pity  that  there  is  not  at  present  much  distinction  in 
the  dress  of  women,  old  and  young.  An  elderly  woman,  if  she 
can  afford  it,  should  wear  rich  clothing.  She  should  not  affect 
the  latest  caprices  of  the  mode,  but  should  have  a  style  peculiar 
to  herself.  If  her  hair  is  thin  why  should  she  not  wear  a  lovely 
white  cap?  Nothing  is  more  beautiful  framing  a  faded  face 
than  the  soft  film  of  tulle  or  net  or  a  beautiful  bit  of  lace. 
Caps  arc  not  now  in  fashion,  and  in  consequence  one  sees 
women  with  tight  little  knots  and  scanty  wisps  of  hair  leaving 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     301 

their  countenances  with  nothing  to  soften  them.  An  authority 
says :  "It  is  to  be  regretted  that  the  small  white  lace  cap  known 
as  the  'dress  cap'  should  be  so  little  worn  by  women  past 
middle  life.  It  is  so  dainty,  so  fresh,  and  so  universally  be- 
coming and  softening  to  the  face  that  its  absence  is  an  artistic 
loss."  A  suitable  and  becoming  pattern  once  provided,  there  is 
no  reason  why  these  should  not  be  made  at  home,  though  they 
are  always  to  be  found  in  shops,  and  occasionally  clever  women 
take  up  the  business  of  making  them  for  friends.  Lace  and 
brussels  net  are  used  for  caps.  For  ordinary  wear  the  valen- 
ciennes  and  some  of  the  imitation  French  laces  are  very  suit- 
able. The  materials  are  not  necessarily  costly,  but  should  be 
of  good  quality. 

The  same  writer  tells  us :  "The  elderly  woman  should  pos- 
sess herself  of  the  dignity  that  lies  in  long  lines.  If  she  be 
very  stout  she  will  find  that  the  sweeping  lines  of  the  princess, 
with  loose  outlines,  not  close  ones,  reduce  the  avoirdupois  and 
add  height  and  stateliness  to  the  figure.  If  she  be  slender,  she 
will  find  the  tendency  to  angularity  best  hidden  by  loose  drap- 
eries. It  is  especially  the  privilege  of  the  elderly  lady  to  wear 
heavy  silks,  rich  brocades,  velvets,  and  old  lace,  all  of  which 
lose  greatly  in  effect  if  cut  into  short  lines  and  small  bits  at  the 
dictates  of  fashion.  With  some  regard  to  the  prevailing  mode, 
it  is  best  that  an  elderly  woman  should  be  her  own  authority  in 
the  matter  of  dress."  She  should  be  very  careful  about  her 
hair  and  the  dress  of  her  neck.  She  cannot  afford  any  negli- 
gence about  these  features. 

Some  of  my  older  readers  may  be  interested  in  a  picture  of 
the  old  lady  as  she  used  to  be.  Her  portrait  is  drawn  by  the 
hand  of  Leigh  Hunt,  and  is  a  very  good  description  of  the 
English  gentlewoman  of  a  former  day.  It  is  quite  evident  that 
the  kind  of  old  lady  Leigh  Hunt  knew  is  an  extinct  species : 


302  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

A  LADY  OF  THE  OLDEN  TIME 

"If  the  Old  Lady  is  a  widow  and  lives  alone,  the  manners  of 
her  condition  and  time  of  life  are  so  much  the  more  apparent. 
She  generally  dresses  in  plain  silks,  that  make  a  gentle  rustling 
as  she  moves  about  the  silence  of  her  room;  and  she  wears  a 
nice  cap  with  a  lace  border,  that  comes  under  the  chin.  In  a 
placket  at  her  side  is  an  old  enameled  watch,  unless  it  is  locked 
up  in  the  drawer  of  her  toilet,  for  fear  of  accidents.  Her  waist 
is  rather  tight  and  trim  than  otherwise,  as  she  had  a  fine  one 
when  young.  Contented  with  this  indication  of  a  good  shape, 
and  letting  her  young  friends  understand  that  she  can  afford 
to  obscure  it  a  little,  she  wears  pockets,  and  uses  them  well 
too.  In  the  one  is  her  handkerchief,  and  any  heavier  matter 
that  is  not  likely  to  come  out  with  it,  such  as  the  change  of 
a  sixpence;  in  the  other  a  miscellaneous  assortment,  consist- 
ing of  a  pocketbook,  a  bunch  of  keys,  a  ncedlecase,  a  spectacle 
case,  crumbs  of  biscuit,  a  nutmeg  and  grater,  a  smelling-bottle, 
and,  according  to  the  season,  an  orange  or  apple,  which  after 
many  days  she  draws  out,  warm  and  glossy,  to  give  to  some 
little  child  that  has  well  behaved  itself. 

[It  is  evident  that  the  Old  Lady  was  better  off  than  are  we, 
for  no  woman  has  a  pocket  to-day.] 

"She  generally  occupies  two  rooms,  in  the  neatest  condi- 
tion possible.  In  the  chamber  is  a  bed  with  a  white  coverlet, 
built  up  high  and  round,  to  look  well,  and  with  curtains  of  a 
pastoral  pattern,  consisting  alternately  of  large  plants  and 
shepherds  and  shepherdesses.  On  the  mantelpiece  are  more 
shepherds  and  shepherdesses,  with  dot-eyed  sheep  at  their  feet, 
all  in  colored  wool:  the  man,  perhaps,  in  a  pink  jacket  and 
knots  of  ribbons  at  his  knees  and  shoes,  holding  his  crook 
lightly  in  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  at  his  breast,  turning 
his  toes  out  and  looking  tenderly  at  the  shepherdess;  the 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS    303 

woman  holding  a  crook  also,  and  modestly  returning  his  look, 
with  a  gypsy  hat  jerked  up  behind,  a  very  slender  waist,  with 
petticoat  and  hips  to  counteract,  and  the  petticoat  pulled  up 
through  the  pocket  holes,  in  order  to  show  the  trimness  of 
her  ankles.  But  these  patterns,  of  course,  are  various. 

"The  toilet  is  ancient,  carved  at  the  edges  and  tied  about 
with  a  snowy-white  drapery  of  muslin.  Beside  it  are  various 
boxes,  mostly  Japan;  and  the  set  of  drawers  are  exqui- 
site things  for  a  little  girl  to  rummage,  if  ever  little  girls  be 
so  bold — containing  ribbons  and  laces  of  various  kinds ;  linen 
smelling  of  lavender,  of  the  flowers  of  which  there  is  always 
dust  in  the  corners ;  a  heap  of  pocketbooks  for  a  series  of  years ; 
and  pieces  of  dress  long  gone  by,  such  as  head-fronts,  stomach- 
ers, and  flowered  satin  shoes,  with  enormous  heels. 

"The  stock  of  letters  are  under  special  lock  and  key.  So 
much  for  the  bedroom.  In  the  sitting  room  is  rather  a  spare 
assortment  of  old  mahogany  furniture,  or  carved  armchairs 
equally  old,  with  chintz  draperies  down  to  the  ground ;  a  fold- 
ing bed  or  other  screen,  with  Chinese  figures,  their  round,  little- 
eyed,  meek  faces  perking  sideways ;  a  stuffed  bird,  perhaps  in 
a  glass  case  (a  living  one  is  too  much  for  her)  ;  a  portrait  of 
her  husband  over  the  mantelpiece,  in  a  coat  with  frog-buttons, 
and  a  delicate  frilled  hand  lightly  inserted  in  the  waistcoat; 
and  opposite  him  on  the  wall  is  a  piece  of  embroidered  litera- 
ture, framed  and  glazed,  containing  some  moral  distich  or 
maxim,  worked  in  angular  capital  letters,  with  two  trees  or 
parrots  below,  in  their  proper  colors;  the  whole  concluding 
with  an  ABC  and  numerals,  and  the  name  of  the  fair,  indus- 
trious, expressing  it  to  be  'Her  work,  January  14,  1762.'  Who 
does  not  admire  the  old-fashioned  sampler? 

"The  rest  of  the  furniture  consists  of  a  looking-glass  with 
carved  edges,  perhaps  a  settee,  a  hassock  for  the  feet,  a  mat 


304  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

for  the  little  dog,  and  a  small  set  of  shelves,  in  which  are  the 
Spectator  and  Guardian,  the  Turkish  Spy,  a  Bible  and  Prayer 
Book,  Young's  Night  Thoughts  with  a  piece  of  lace  in  it  to 
flatten,  Mrs.  Rowe's  Devout  Exercises  of  the  Heart,  Mrs. 
Glasse's  Cookery,  and  perhaps  Sir  Charles  Grandison,  and 
Clarissa.  John  Buncle  is  in  the  closet  among  the  pickles  and 
preserves.  The  clock  is  on  the  landing  place  between  the  two 
room  doors,  where  it  ticks  audibly  but  quietly ;  and  the  landing 
place,  as  well  as  the  stairs,  is  carpeted  to  a  nicety.  The  house 
is  most  in  character,  and  properly  coeval,  if  it  is  in  a  retired 
suburb,  and  strongly  built,  with  wainscot  rather  than  paper 
inside,  and  lockers  in  the  windows." 

The  charm  of  life's  quiet  evening  is  shown  very  plainly 
in  Mrs.  Gaskell's  book  Cranford,  and  no  one  has  drawn  so  good 
a  picture  as  Charles  Dickens  of  what  may  be  called  the  carica- 
ture of  old  age,  in  Mrs.  Skewton,  the  mother  of  Edith  Dombey. 

THE  OLD  WOMAN  IN  SOCIETY 

Augustus  J.  C.  Hare  tells  us  of  an  old  gentlewoman,  one 
Mrs.  Duncan  Stewart,  who  to  a  venerable  age  was  the  delight 
of  every  company.  She  dressed  in  a  fashion  of  her  own,  in 
black  velvet  and  rich  lace;  she  was  animated  and  interested, 
and  full  of  enjoyment  in  whatever  was  going  on.  Such  a 
woman,  her  heart  young,  her  savoir  faire  complete,  and  her 
acquaintance  wide,  is  a  boon  everywhere  that  she  may  go.  She 
is  queen  of  fashion  because  so  far  as  she  is  herself  in  concern 
she  dictates  fashion. 

Society  without  the  presence  of  the  old  loses  a  great  deal. 
Elderly  women  in  the  course  of  their  lives  have  met  many 
people  and  have  had  many  experiences.  No  one  should  be  so 
interesting  as  a  woman  who  has  lived  long  and  who  in  living 
has  known  different  sorts  of  people  and  had  pleasant  relations 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     305 

with  all.  In  France  this  is  well  understood,  and  the  French 
woman  when  a  grandmother  draws  around  her  a  circle  of 
friends  and  acquaintances  quite  as  well  worth  having  as  any 
who  ever  cluster  around  her  juniors.  It  is  only  in  America 
that  the  young  girl  is  permitted  in  society  to  take  precedence 
of  her  elders. 

The  special  temptation  of  the  elderly  woman  is  to  override 
the  opinions  of  those  about  her,  and  to  state  her  own  convic- 
tions with  too  much  emphasis.  No  woman  who  does  this 
habitually  and  who  forgets  the  demands  of  courtesy  will  ever 
be  popular.  If  a  woman  has  any  care  for  popularity  she  must 
cultivate  good  manners.  By  the  time  she  has  passed  the  me- 
ridian her  manners  have  become  fixed,  so  that  she  acts  and 
speaks  without  taking  much  thought  about  the  impression  she 
is  producing.  Every  young  woman  should  remember  that  she 
is  herself  making,  day  by  day,  the  woman  she  is  going  to  be. 
One  talent  the  elderly  woman  may  cultivate,  and  that  is  the 
art  of  the  story-teller.  If  the  elderly  lady  knows  how  to  tell  a 
story  pleasingly,  and  has  a  fund  of  good  stories  on  hand,  she 
will  be  a  welcome  guest  in  every  house  and  a  cherished  visitor 
in  every  home.  As  a  hostess,  however,  she  preeminently  shines, 
and,  unless  absolutely  forced  to  give  up  her  own  home,  no 
elderly  woman  should  ever  let  herself  become  a  cipher  in  the 
house  of  son  or  daughter  or  other  relatives. 

Ellen  Glasgow,  in  her  romance  The  Deliverance,  has  drawn 
for  us  a  pathetic  and  beautiful  figure  in  the  mother  of  her  hero 
Christopher.  This  lady,  in  her  youth  a  great  belle,  and  in 
her  maturity  the  most  admired  woman  in  the  countryside,  has 
long  been  blind,  and  it  has  been  the  pious  task  of  her  children 
to  conceal  from  her  the  fallen  fortunes  of  the  family  and  to 
keep  up  the  illusion  that  she  is  still  a  great  lady,  in  a  great 
house,  with  troops  of  retainers. 


306  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

HOMESPUN  AND  SATIN 

By  "homespun"  let  us  understand  whatever  is  plain,  service- 
able, and  fit  for  everyday  wear,  whether  made  in  America  or 
imported;  we  mean  the  stuff  that  is  spun  and  woven  for  the 
uses  of  the  home.  Under  the  heading  "satin"  let  us  include 
whatever  belongs  to  functions  beyond  the  commonplace.  We 
pay  our  friends  a  compliment  when  we  dress  in  our  best,  either 
to  receive  or  visit  them.  It  would  show  very  poor  taste  to  fail 
in  making  ourselves  as  attractive  as  possible  when  attending 
any  fete. 

I  had  a  versatile  acquaintance  years  ago  who  held  tenacious- 
ly to  the  notion  that  she  would  never  receive  even  the  most 
ordinary  caller  unless  she  was  dressed  in  the  style  befitting  a 
gentlewoman  of  leisure.  It  happened  once,  as  it  has  happened 
to  many  of  us,  that  she  was  taken  unawares  by  company. 
Looking  from  her  chamber  window,  she  beheld  a  carriage  with 
coachman  and  footman  stop  at  her  door,  and  perceived  three 
very  distinguished-looking  people  alighting  from  it.  They 
walked  up  the  somewhat  long  avenue  between  the  roses  that 
led  to  her  front  door.  Madame  was  equal  to  the  occasion  and 
her  principles.  She  had  no  servant  in  the  house,  and  was  doing 
her  own  work  on  a  particularly  busy  day.  Presto !  she  slipped 
on  a  maid's  full  apron  and  bib  over  her  print  dress,  pulled  her 
hair  down  in  a  fashion  different  from  her  accustomed  style, 
and  pinned  a  maid's  cap  on  her  head.  Then,  with  perfect  com- 
mand of  her  features,  she  opened  the  door,  tray  in  hand,  took 
the  visitors'  cards  and  ushered  them  into  her  reception  room. 
Leaving  them  for  a  few  minutes,  she  effected  a  transformation 
by  putting  on  a  black  silk  gown  with  lace  at  neck  and  wrists, 
and  presently  came  down  all  smiles  to  greet  her  friends.  She 
was  an  excellent  mimic,  and  they  had  not  suspected  her  at  all 
in  the  character  of  the  maid. 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS    307 

I  do  not  defend  her  action.  But  it  belonged  to  her  person- 
ality. She  would  have  been  most  unhappy  had  she  done  as 
another  friend  of  mine  did  in  a  similar  situation.  I  drove  to 
the  second  friend's  house  one  day  with  a  carriage  full  of  people, 
and  we  found  our  hostess,  who  was  not  expecting  company, 
engaged  in  washing  her  parlor  windows.  She  turned  from  her 
pail  and  cloths,  in  her  apron  and  sunbonnet,  with  perfect  self- 
possession  and  without  apologies,  welcoming  us  with  unaffected 
cordiality.  Note  that  each  of  these  women  was  thoroughly  a 
lady,  perfect  mistress  of  etiquette,  and  well  accustomed  to 
society.  Neither  was  for  an  instant  fluttered  or  disturbed. 
To  most  people,  however,  the  remark  often  repeated  of  one  of 
New  England's  proudest  dames,  in  the  olden  time,  carries  a 
large  measure  of  truth:  "To  be  perfectly  well  dressed  is  a 
moral  reinforcement  and  gives  in  some  circumstances  a  strength 
even  greater  than  the  consolation  of  religion." 

A  COMMON  BLUNDER 

Here  let  me  say  that  abject  following  of  current  modes 
is  far  from  wise.  Dressmakers  copy  fashion  plates  and  make 
us  all  alike  without  regard  to  our  height,  breadth,  age,  or  occu- 
pation. Take,  as  an  illustration,  the  lightning-like  changes  in 
sleeves.  Obviously  a  sensible  sleeve  should  clothe  the  womanly 
arm,  as  a  man's  sleeve  covers  his.  But  we  women  very  seldom 
have  sleeves  that  are  either  comfortable  or  sensible.  A  few 
years  ago  it  was  part  of  a  young  man's  training  to  learn  how 
delicately  he  might  assist  a  young  woman  to  get  into  her  out- 
side wrap.  No  doubt  many  boys  practiced  on  their  sisters,  for  it 
was  quite  the  thing  that  a  young  lady  should  let  a  young  gentle- 
man push  the  absurd  fullness  of  her  dress  sleeve  into  the  sleeve 
of  her  jacket  or  cloak.  Incidentally  it  may  be  said  that  every 
young  man  should  learn  how  to  put  on  a  lady's  wrap  for  her, 


308  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

that  he  should  be  ready  to  offer  assistance  with  her  overshoes, 
and  that  he  should  know  how  to  set  a  chair  for  her  at  the  table ; 
all  this  is  part  of  a  man's  polite  education.  We  are  told  that 
sleeves  are  again  to  assume  gigantic  proportions  at  the  top,  and 
that  instead  of  having  the  extra  fullness  and  annoyance  and  an 
embarrassment  because  depending  too  near  the  wrist,  fashion 
is  again  to  make  stout  women  three  times  as  broad  across  the 
shoulders  and  thin  women  absurd.  .Surely  we  might  cultivate 
some  independence. 

SINCERITY 

Mrs.  Eva  Wilder  McGlasson  has  said  very  truly  that  sin- 
cerity in  dress  is  of  great  importance : 

"Stuffs  which  seem  to  be  what  they  are  not,  fringes  of  differ- 
ent color  and  texture  from  the  stuffs  they  trim,  ribbon  bows 
which  are  set  without  obvious  purpose  upon  a  garment,  thin 
materials  made  up  over  heavy  linings,  heavy  materials  made 
up  with  an  airy  disregard  of  weight — whatever,  in  short,  is 
inherently  false  is  openly  bad. 

"Unity  in  costume  is  always  most  important,  resting  the 
eyes,  as  it  does,  with  an  effect  of  order  in  design.  There  is 
dignity  and  composure  in  a  gown  which  is  the  expression  of 
one  idea  faithfully  considered  and  carried  out. 

"In  view  of  any  fashion  it  is  well  always  to  remember  that 
its  first  representation  or  embodiment  had  a  meaning.  Some- 
times, through  lack  of  intelligence  in  applying  the  modes  which 
are  presented,  the  customer  produces  results  altogether  ugly 
and  frivolous.  For  the  sentiment  of  the  thing  must  be  under- 
stood, or  the  result  will  be  simply  vulgarity  and  foolishness. 

"To  understand  one's  looks,  to  accept  the  hints  of  the  mode 
and  wisely  to  adapt  the  fashions  to  personal  uses,  would  seem 
to  comprise  all  such  regulations  for  attire  as  can  be  abbreviated 
for  the  use  of  the  intelligent  woman.  Not  hygiene,  art,  or  con- 


SUITABLE  DRESS  FOR  ALL  AGES  AND  CONDITIONS     309 

vention  is  all;  but  each  is  to  be  considered.  When  these  ele- 
ments are  in  judicious  proportion,  all  so  subordinated  to  the 
whole  personal  effect  that  as  clothes  they  shall  seem  merely  to 
array  the  wearer  'in  modesty  and  honor/  then  indeed  apparel 
may  be  said  to  have  attained  its  best  development. 

"In  face  of  all  arguments  against  the  fashions  of  the  day  it 
may  be  said  that,  honestly  viewing  their  worst  features  in  com- 
parison with  details  of  the  vogues  which  have  swayed  other 
ages,  the  most  pessimistic  of  those  spirits  which  periodically, 
and  often  injudiciously  utter  their  lamentations  against  mod- 
ern women's  folly  and  perversity  of  attire,  must  certainly 
own  that  we  have  reached  a  state  of  raiment  as  nearly  ideal 
as  the  nature  of  things  permits." 


XXIII 
RECIPROCITY  IN  MANNERS 

So  many  women  in  these  days  are  adding  to  their  stock  of 
pin  money,  or  are  helping  support  the  family  by  their  own 
work  at  home  done  in  odd  moments,  that  it  is  worth  while  to 
consider  the  etiquette  of  this  situation.  Hundreds  and  thou- 
sands of  gentlewomen  need  more  money  than  they  possess  and 
are  willing  to  earn  it,  provided  an  opportunity  is  given.  They 
cannot  go  away  from  home,  and  whatever  talent  they  have 
must  be  cultivated  and  utilized  there.  Out  of  this  condition  of 
things  has  grown  up  what  is  called  "The  Woman's  Exchange." 
Very  few  large  cities  are  without  this  useful  institution,  and 
every  city  has  its  quota  of  people  to  whom  the  Exchange  is  a 
boon.  The  most  beautiful  thing  about  it  is  that  it  is  in  no 
sense  a  charity.  The  women  who  carry  it  on  are  not  almoners. 
The  women  who  find  it  useful  are  not  pensioners.  Any  lady 
who  wishes  to  send  an  article  of  needlework,  a  painting,  a 
valuable  heir-loom,  or  some  dainty  dish  of  which  she  possesses 
the  secret,  is  entitled  to  avail  herself  of  the  Woman's  Exchange. 

Patronage  or  condescension  would  be  extremely  out  of 
place  on  the  part  of  the  management,  and  no  profound  grati- 
tude is  to  be  given  or  felt  by  those  who  are  assisted  through 
the  Exchange.  The  reciprocity  of  good  manners  here  makes 
both  sets  of  women  equal.  In  every  village  or  country  place 
there  are  people  who  need  to  be  put  in  communication  with  a 
Woman's  Exchange.  They  may  always  manage  this  by  writ- 
ing to  the  president  or  secretary  of  the  Exchange  in  the  nearest 


RECIPROCITY  IN  MANNERS  311 

city,  and  if  they  inclose  a  stamp  a  reply  will  be  sent  them.  It 
may  be  convenient  to  some  readers  to  know  what  are  the  rules 
of  the  New  York  Exchange,  and  to  look  at  them  as  a  guide  for 
themselves  in  sending  work  elsewhere,  as  in  most  cases  the 
rules  are  very  much  like  these : 

1.  We  receive  work  through  a  subscriber  to  the  funds  of  the 
Society  to  an  amount  not  less  than  five  dollars  for  the  current 
year. 

2.  Each  subscriber  of  five  dollars  may  enter  the  work  of 
three  persons  for  one  year. 

3.  Our  commission  is  ten  per  cent  on  the  price  received. 

4.  All  work  is   received   subject  to  the  approval  of  the 
Managers. 

5.  Wax   and    feather   flowers,   hair,    leather,    spatter   and 
splinter,  and  cardboard  work,  are  too  perishable  and  unsalable 
to  be  accepted. 

6.  Articles  will  not  be  registered  until  express  and  mail 
charges  have  been  paid  on  them.    Articles  are  registered  be- 
tween the  hours  of  n  A.  M.  and  4  p.  M.    Packages  left  at  other 
hours  must  be  marked  by  consignor,  with  name,  address,  and 
price. 

7.  Consignors  must  call  or  send  for  their  articles  at  the 
expiration  of  one  year  from  the  date  of  their  entry.    If  not  sent 
for  within  a  month  after  that  time,  the  Society  will  not  hold 
itself  responsible  for  them.    No  articles  can  be  withdrawn  be- 
tween December  15  and  27.     Articles  cannot  be  reentered. 
Articles  sent  for  by  a  consignor  must  be  described. 

8.  All  letters  containing  information  about  articles  sent  to 
the  Exchange  should  be  addressed  to  the  Society,  with  a  stamp 
inclosed  for  reply. 

9.  Articles    which  ladies  are  obliged  to  part  with  are  re- 
ceived only  upon  the  recommendation  of  an  officer  of  the  So- 


312  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ciety,  and  under  the  rules  which  are  applied  to  other  con- 
signors. 

10.  In  the  cake  and  preserve  department  there  is  a  standard, 
and  none  can  enter  cake  or  preserves  without  first  sending 
samples  of  their  work.     Pickles,  preserves,  and  jellies  are 
sampled  every  year. 

11.  No  preserves  are  received  before  October  I  or  after 
April  i. 

12.  No  worsted  goods  are  received  after  June  I  until  Oc- 
tober i. 

13.  Prices  put  upon  articles  cannot  be  changed  during  the 
year. 

14.  Consignors  desiring  articles  returned  by  mail  must  take 
all  risk,  and  must  give  three  days'  notice  for  withdrawal  of  any 
article. 

15.  Work  is  not  received  from  gentlewomen  whose  circum- 
stances do  not  make  it  necessary  for  them  to  dispose  of  their 
handiwork. 

16.  Cash  payments  are  made  on  Saturdays  to  consignors,  in 
the  Cake  and  Preserve  Department,  and  on  Wednesdays  to  all 
other  consignors. 

17.  Consignors  must  put  their  own  prices  upon  the  articles 
they  send. 


XXIV 
WOMEN  OF  AFFAIRS 

ALLUSION  has  already  been  made  in  this  volume  to  the  de- 
portment of  women  as  employees.  Another  class  of  women,  or 
rather  another  group,  have  some  need  to  understand  the 
etiquette  of  business.  Suppose,  for  instance,  a  woman  is  about 
to  open  an  account  in  a  bank.  If  she  merely  wishes  to  deposit 
money  in  a  savings  bank  she  may  enter  the  bank  alone  as  a 
perfect  stranger  without  introduction,  and  state  her  wish.  She 
will  be  asked  certain  questions  with  a  view  to  her  future 
identification,  her  occupation,  whether  she  is  married  or  single, 
place  of  residence,  and  any  other  question  which  will  make  it 
impossible  for  anyone  else  to  simulate  her.  She  will  be  asked, 
also,  to  write  her  name.  Having  deposited  her  money,  a  book 
will  be  given  her  in  which  the  amount  deposited  will  be  en- 
tered. This  book  will  contain  a  blank  form  according  to  which 
any  order  must  be  drawn  should  she  wish  to  draw  out  her 
money.  Deposits  must  always  be  made  in  coin  or  paper  cur- 
rency, as  checks  are  not  taken  for  deposit  in  savings  banks. 

If  a  lady  desires  to  open  an  account  with  a  business  bank  she 
must  be  introduced  by  some  one  known  to  the  bank,  unless  she 
has  a  personal  acquaintance  with  some  of  its  officers.  The 
functionaries  in  banks  are  usually  very  polite,  but  they  have  no 
time  for  conversation  with  customers  on  matters  that  have 
nothing  to  do  with  the  concern  in  hand.  After  being  intro- 
duced you  will  be  asked  to  write  your  name.  Be  careful  to 
do  this  in  the  manner  in  which  you  ordinarily  write  it,  as  there 


314  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

can  be  no  variation  from  this  method  later  on.  For  instance, 
if  you  usually  write  your  name  Mary  S.  Crane,  you  cannot 
change  at  your  pleasure  and  write  it  Mary  Sophia  Crane  on 
your  check;  you  must  adhere  to  what  is  known  as  your  legal 
signature.  A  case  occurs  to  me  in  which  a  man  had  always 
thought  and  spoken  of  his  wife  by  her  pet  name.  When  he 
made  his  will  he  left  all  his  property,  real  and  personal,  to  his 
dear  wife  Nancy  Brown.  Her  name  was  really  Anne.  During 
her  husband's  lifetime  she  had  had  nothing  to  do  with  business 
affairs,  and  had  never  had  occasion  to  sign  a  check.  She  found 
herself  advised,  when  opening  a  bank  account,  to  use  the  sig- 
nature Nancy  Brown,  and  as  Nancy  Brown  she  was  obliged 
to  appear  the  rest  of  her  life.  When  the  cashier  is  satisfied 
about  your  identity  and  respectability  you  will  be  given  a  pass- 
book and  some  printed  deposit  tickets.  When  making  a  de- 
posit you  will  fill  one  of  these  slips  with  the  items  which  com- 
pose the  sum  you  wish  set  to  your  credit.  Hand  book,  slip,  and 
money  in  at  the  window  of  the  receiving  teller,  who  will  ac- 
knowledge the  amount  upon  the  book.  You  will  then  receive 
a  small  book  of  blank  checks  upon  the  bank.  This  check  book 
will  contain  a  corresponding  stub  for  every  check,  so  that  you 
may  be  able  always  to  keep  your  account  perfectly  straight. 
If  you  are  careful  always  to  subtract  the  amount  you  draw 
you  will  not  be  in  danger  of  overrunning  your  account. 

It  may  be  interesting  to  women  who  have  a  bank  account  to 
understand  just  how  to  draw  a  check.  Mr.  William  O.  Stod- 
dard  has  given  very  plain  directions  for  this  in  The  Woman's 
Book: 

"You  can  draw  a  check  'to  bearer,'  but  it  is  not  well  to  do  so, 
for  that  check  is  thenceforth  something  like  a  greenback,  af- 
fording no  better  security  against  loss.  If  you  are  paying  it 
to  another  person  or  firm,  near  or  far,  draw  the  check  to  order 


WOMEN  OF  AFFAIRS  315 

of  that  person  or  firm.  If  you  wish  to  use  it  in  shopping,  where 
you  are  known,  draw  it  to  your  own  order  and  put  your  name 
on  the  back  of  it,  near  the  middle,  when  you  pay  it  out.  If  you 
wish  to  use  it  where  you  are  not  known  have  the  paying  teller 
'certify,'  and  it  is  then  charged  to  your  account,  but  cannot  be 
drawn  without  your  'order'  signature  on  the  back.  Even  if  you 
are  taking  out  currency  with  a  check,  follow  the  rule,  draw  to 
your  own  order  and  indorse  on  the  back.  Turn  the  check  over 
facing  toward  you.  Write  your  name  straight  across,  begin- 
ning on  the  left  side,  nearly  half  way  down.  It  is  a  safe  and 
orderly  habit  to  form. 

"Knowing  what  to  do  with  your  own  checks,  you  will  know 
how  to  handle  a  check  paid  you  by  another  person.  Suppose  it 
to  be  your  first  experience.  If,  unwisely,  it  was  made  payable 
to  bearer,  still  follow  your  own  rule  and  indorse  it  before  de- 
positing it,  for  it  is  itself  a  kind  of  memorandum  record  of  that 
transaction.  If  drawn  to  the  order  of  another  person  it  is 
worth  nothing  to  you  until  that  person  has  indorsed  it.  If  it  is 
so  indorsed  it  is  again  unsafe  against  loss  unless  the  indorser 
has  written  above  the  signature  on  the  back  that  it  is  now 
payable  to  you.  This  transfers  it,  and  it  becomes  as  if  it  had 
originally  been  drawn  to  your  order,  that  is,  your  signature 
written  under  the  other  on  the  back. 

"A  check  drawn  in  one  city  to  pay  a  debt  in  another  may 
often  pass  through  several  hands,  and  all  the  space  on  its  back 
may  be  written  full  of  transfer  indorsements.  If  not  paid  by 
the  bank  on  which  it  is  drawn  it  must  then  go  back  through 
the  several  accounts  in  which  it  has  been  handled,  charged,  or 
credited,  until  it  is  presented  for  redemption  to  the  first  person 
depositing  it  for  collection.  Specific  variations  from  this  prac- 
tice do  not  require  elucidation  here. 

"If  the  check  in  your  hand  is  drawn  to  your  order  indorse 


316  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

it,  deposit  it  at  once,  noting  its  source  and  amount  first  in  your 
cash  book,  then  on  the  deposit  ticket.  Deposit  at  once,  be- 
cause if  you  delay  (as  the  law  provides,  'use  reasonable  dili- 
gence') and  the  bank  should  fail  the  loss  is  your  own  and  not 
that  of  the  person  who  gave  you  the  check.  When  deposited 
it  is  in  the  collection  agency  on  its  way  for  collection,  but  you 
cannot  check  out  money  on  account  of  it  until  after  it  is  col- 
lected. Even  if  the  bank,  knowing  your  solvency,  should  cour- 
teously permit  you  to  consider  it  already  collected,  do  not  do 
so  unless  you  are  sure  of  other  funds  coming  in  at  once,  to 
make  good  the  deficit  in  your  bank  balance  in  case  that  check 
should  fail  of  collection.  If  it  is  on  a  bank  near  by  you  can 
indeed  prevent  all  difficulty  by  first  taking  the  check  to  that 
bank  and  having  it  certified  before  deposit.  There  are  a  great 
many  people,  in  and  out  of  business,  whose  checks  should  be 
certified  at  once,  for  they  may  be  good  to-day  and  not  good  to- 
morrow. Never  be  careless  or  sentimental  about  a  check 
certification." 


XXV 

OUTDOOR  GAMES 

THIS  is  the  age  preeminently  of  outdoor  sports,  and  one 
game  long  a  favorite  in  Scotland  has  become  naturalized  among 
us,  so  that  Americans  are  quite  as  anxious  to  play  it  as  ever 
were  their  cousins  across  the  water.  It  may  be  added  they 
make  more  fuss  about  it,  but  this  is  due  to  our  enthusiastic  way 
of  taking  hold  of  everything.  I  hope  none  of  those  who  enjoy 
golf  and  at  the  same  time  are  readers  of  this  book  will  allow 
themselves  to  excuse  what  is  rapidly  becoming  a  familiar  sight 
in  this  country,  the  playing  of  golf  on  Sunday.  Business 
men  who  are  closely  confined  during  the  week  plead  that  they 
need  exercise  in  the  open  air,  and  that  there  is  no  particular 
harm  in  a  quiet  game  of  golf.  Mothers,  seeing  their  young 
sons  restless  and  anxious  to  do  something  to  break  the  monot- 
ony of  the  day,  condone  their  playing  golf,  saying  that  at  least 
they  are  not  doing  anything  worse.  Small  boys  acting  as 
caddies  lose  all  sense  of  the  sacredness  of  Sunday,  and  are  very 
reluctantly  induced  to  go  to  church  and  Sunday  school,  even 
when  the  golf  season  is  over.  It  is  a  good  game  for  both  men 
and  women  six  days  in  the  week,  and  the  very  general  intro- 
duction of  the  Saturday  half-holiday  affords  opportunity  for 
this  recreation  to  many  who  are  bound  to  their  desks,  or  their 
counters,  in  the  other  days  of  the  week. 

To  play  golf  aright,  good  manners  are  invaluable.  The 
player  must  keep  his  temper,  show  nerve,  endurance,  and  self- 
control. 


318  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

A  poem  which  appeared  some  years  ago,  in  an  English  mag- 
azine, well  portrays  the  hold  that  golf  takes  upon  its  votaries : 


"Would  you  like  to  see  a  city  given  over, 

Soul  and  body,  to  a  tyrannizing  game? 
If  you  would,  there's  little  need  to  be  a  rovw, 

For  St.  Andrews  is  that  abject  city's  name. 

"It  is  surely  quite  superfluous  to  mention, 
To  a  person  who  has  been  here  half  an  hour, 

That  Golf  is  what  engrosses  the  attention 
Of  the  people,  with  an  all-absorbing  power. 

"Rich  and  poor  alike  are  smitten  with  the  fever; 

'Tis  their  business  and  religion  both  to  play; 
And  a  man  is  scarcely  deemed  a  true  believer 

Unless  he  goes  at  least  a  round  a  day. 

"The  city  boasts  an  old  and  learned  college, 
Where  you'd  think  the  leading  industry  was  Greek ; 

Even  there  the  favored  instruments  of  knowledge 
Are  a  driver,  and  a  putter,  and  a  cleek. 

"All  the  natives  and  the  residents  are  patrons 

Of  this  royal,  ancient,  irritating  game ; 
All  the  old  men,  all  the  young  men,  maids,  and  matrons, 

With  this  passion  burn  in  hard  and  gemlike  flame. 

"In  the  morning,  as  the  light  grows  strong  and  stronger 
You  may  see  the  players  going  out  in  shoals ; 

And  when  night  forbids  their  playing  any  longer, 
They  will  tell  you  how  they  did  the  different  holes. 

"Golf,  golf,  golf,  and  golf  again,  is  all  the  story ! 

Till  in  despair  my  overburdened  spirit  sinks ; 
Till  I  wish  that  every  golfer  was  in  glory, 

And  I  pray  the  sea  may  overflow  the  links. 


OUTDOOR  GAMES  319 

"Still  a  slender,  struggling  ray  of  consolation 
Comes  to  cheer  me,  very  feeble  though  it  be ; 

There  are  two  who  still  escape  infatuation, 
One's  my  bosom  friend  McFoozle,  Mother's  me. 

"As  I  write  the  words  McFoozle  enters  blushing, 

With  a  brassy  and  an  iron  in  his  hand ; 
And  this  blow,  so  unexpected  and  so  crushing, 

Is  more  than  I  am  able  to  withstand. 

"So  now  it  but  remains  for  me  to  die,  sir. 

Stay !    There  is  another  course  I  may  pursue. 
And  perhaps,  upon  the  whole,  it  would  be  wiser, 

I  will  yield  to  fate  and  be  a  golfer,  too !" 

Andrew  Lang,  the  gifted  poet  and  essayist,  says,  "The  game 
of  golf  has  been  described  as  putting  little  balls  into  holes,  diffi- 
cult to  find,  with  instruments  which  are  sadly  inadequate  and 
ill  adapted  to  the  purpose." 

The  game  is  probably  very  ancient.  Its  name  comes  from  a 
Celtic  word  meaning  club.  Mrs.  Sherwood  in  her  book  The 
Art  of  Entertaining  has  given  a  fine  description  of  it,  which  I 
quote  for  the  benefit  of  those  who  are  interested  in  the  subject: 

"The  game  requires  room.  A  golf  course  of  nine  holes 
should  be  at  least  a  mile  and  a  half  long,  and  a  hundred  and 
twenty  feet  wide.  All  sorts  of  obstructions  are  left,  or  made 
artificially — running  water,  railway  embankments,  bushes, 
ditches,  etc.  A  player  need  not  always  go  over  the  entire 
course.  Two  or  three  holes  satisfy  some. 

"The  game  is  played  with  a  gutta-percha  ball,  about  an  inch 
and  a  quarter  in  diameter,  and  a  variety  of  clubs,  with  wooden 
or  iron  heads,  whose  individual  use  depends  on  the  position  in 
which  the  ball  lies.  It  is  usual  for  each  player  to  be  followed 
by  a  boy,  who  carries  his  clubs  and  watches  his  ball,  marking 


it  down  as  it  falls.  Games  are  either  singles — that  is,  when 
two  persons  play  against  one  another,  each  having  a  ball — or 
fours,  when  there  are  two  on  each  side,  partners  playing  alter- 
nately on  one  ball. 

"The  start  is  made  near  the  clubhouse  at  a  place  called  the 
tee.  Down  the  course,  anywhere  from  two  hundred  and  fifty 
to  five  hundred  yards  distant,  is  a  level  space,  fifty  yards  square, 
called  a  putting-green,  and  in  its  center  is  a  hole  about  four 
and  a  half  inches  in  diameter  and  of  the  same  depth.  This  is 
the  first  hole,  and  the  contestant  who  puts  his  ball  into  it  in  the 
fewest  number  of  strokes  wins  the  hole.  As  the  score  is  kept 
by  strokes,  the  ball  that  is  behind  is  played  first.  In  this  way 
the  players  are  always  together. 

"For  his  first  shot  from  the  tee  the  player  uses  a  club  called 
the  driver.  It  has  a  wooden  head  and  a  long,  springy,  hickory 
handle.  With  this  an  expert  will  drive  a  ball  for  two  hundred 
yards.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  beginner  is  not  so  success- 
ful. After  the  first  shot  a  cleek  is  used ;  or  if  the  ball  is  in  a 
bad  hole,  a  mashie ;  if  it  is  necessary  to  loft  it,  an  iron,  and  so 
on — the  particular  club  depending,  as  we  have  said,  on  the 
position  in  which  the  ball  lies. 

"The  first  hole  won,  the  contestants  start  from  a  teeing- 
ground  close  by  it,  and  fight  for  the  second  hole,  and  so  on 
around  the  course — the  one  who  has  won  the  most  holes  being 
the  winner. 

"  'A  fine  day,  a  good  match,  and  a  clear  green'  is  the  paradise 
of  the  golfer,  but  it  still  can  be  played  all  the  year  and  even,  by 
the  use  of  a  red  ball,  when  snow  is  on  the  ground.  In  Scotland 
and  athletic  England  it  is  a  game  for  players  of  all  ages,  though 
in  nearly  all  clubs  children  are  not  allowed.  It  can  be  played 
by  both  sexes. 

"A  beginner's  inclination  is  to  grasp  a  golf  club  as  he  would 


OUTDOOR  GAMES  321 

a  cricket  bat,  more  firmly  with  the  right  hand  than  with  the 
left,  or  at  times  equally  firm  with  both  hands.  Now  in  golf,  in 
making  a  full  drive,  the  club  when  brought  back  must  be  held 
firmly  with  the  left  hand  and  more  loosely  with  the  right,  be- 
cause when  the  club  is  raised  above  the  shoulder,  and  brought 
round  the  back  of  the  neck,  the  grasp  of  one  hand  or  the  other 
must  relax,  and  the  hand  to  give  way  must  be  the  right  hand 
and  not  the  left.  The  force  of  the  club  must  be  brought 
squarely  against  the  ball. 

''The  keeping  of  one's  balance  is  another  difficulty.  In  pre- 
paring to  strike,  the  player  bends  forward  a  little.  In  drawing 
back  his  club  he  raises,  or  should  raise,  his  left  heel  from  the 
ground,  and  at  the  end  of  the  upward  swing  stands  poised  on 
his  right  foot  and  the  toe  or  ball  of  the  left  foot.  At  this  point 
there  is  danger  of  his  losing  his  balance  and,  as  he  brings  the 
club  down,  falling  either  forward  or  backward,  and  conse- 
quently either  heeling  or  toeing  the  ball,  instead  of  hitting  it 
with  the  middle  of  the  face.  Accuracy  of  hitting  depends 
greatly  on  keeping  a  firm  and  steady  hold  on  the  ground  with 
the  toe  of  the  left  foot,  and  not  bending  the  left  knee  too  much. 

"To  'keep  your  eye  on  the  ball'  sounds  an  injunction  easy  to 
be  obeyed,  but  it  is  not  always  so.  In  making  any  considerable 
stroke  the  player's  body  makes  or  should  make  a  quarter  turn, 
and  the  difficulty  is  to  keep  the  head  steady  and  the  eye  fixed 
upon  the  ball  while  doing  this. 

"Like  all  other  gomes,  golf  has  its  technical  terms.  The 
'teeing-ground,'  'putting,'  the  'high-lofting  stroke,'  the  'ap- 
proach shot,'  'hammer-hurling,'  'topping,'  'slicing,'  'hooking,' 
'skidding,'  and  'foozling'  mean  little  to  the  uninitiated,  but 
everything  to  the  golfer. 

"The  regular  golf  uniform  is  a  red  jacket,  which  adds  much 
to  the  gayety  of  a  green,  and  has  its  obvious  advantages. 


322  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"Ladies'  links  should  be  laid  out  on  the  model,  though  on  a 
smaller  scale,  of  the  long  round,  containing  some  short  putting- 
holes,  some  larger  holes  admitting  of  a  drive  or  two  of  seventy 
or  eighty  yards,  and  a  few  suitable  hazards.  We  venture  to 
suggest  seventy  or  eighty  yards  as  the  average  limit  of  a  drive, 
advisedly,  not  because  we  doubt  a  lady's  power  to  make  a 
longer  drive,  but  because  that  cannot  be  well  done  without 
raising  the  club  above  the  shoulder.  Now,  we  do  not  presume 
to  dictate,  but  we  must  observe  that  the  posture  and  gestures 
requisite  for  a  full  swing  are  not  particularly  graceful  when 
the  player  is  clad  in  female  dress. 

"Most  ladies  put  well,  and  all  the  better  because  they  play 
boldly  for  the  hole,  without  considering  too  much  the  lay  of 
the  ground ;  and  there  is  no  reason  why  they  should  not  prac- 
tice and  excel  in  wrist  shots  with  a  lofting-iron  or  deck.  Their 
right  to  play,  or  rather  the  expediency  of  their  playing,  the 
long  round  is  much  more  doubtful.  If  they  choose  to  play  at 
times  when  the  male  golfers  are  feeding  or  resting,  no  one  can 
object;  but  at  other  times — must  we  say  it? — they  are  in  the 
way,  just  because  gallantry  forbids  to  treat  them  exactly  as 
men.  The  tender  mercies  of  the  golfer  are  cruel.  He  cannot 
afford  to  be  merciful,  because,  if  he  forbears  to  drive  into  the 
party  in  front  he  is  promptly  driven  into  from  behind.  It  is  a 
hard  lot  to  follow  a  party  of  ladies  with  a  powerful  driver  be- 
hind you,  if  you  are  troubled  with  a  spark  of  chivalry  or 
shyness. 

"As  to  the  ladies  playing  the  long  round  with  men  as  their 
partners,  it  may  be  sufficient  to  say,  in  the  words  of  a  promising 
young  player,  who  found  it  hard  to  decide  between  flirtation 
and  playing  the  game,  'It  is  mighty  pleasant,  but  it  is  not 
business.' " 


XXVI 

ODDS  AND  ENDS 

THIS  chapter  will  be  devoted  to  odds  and  ends — little  things 
which  perhaps  have  not  been  said  before,  but  which  are  not  the 
less  important.  For  instance,  if  a  hostess  aspires  to  be  very 
elegant  she  will  never  allow  a  guest  to  use  her  napkin  the 
second  time ;  a  fresh  napkin  will  be  placed  before  her  at  every 
meal.  Of  course  this  is  not  obligatory,  and  in  many  cases 
would  so  increase  the  family  wash  that  the  maid  would  prob- 
ably strike,  but  it  is  the  rule  in  very  fastidious  houses. 

Mrs.  Sherwood,  whose  excellent  book  on  Manners  and 
Social  Usages  is  authoritative  on  many  points,  has  this  to  say 
about  napkins: 

"At  a  fashionable  dinner  no  one  folds  his  napkin.  He  lets  it 
drop  to  the  floor,  or  lays  it  by  the  side  of  his  plate  unfolded. 
When  the  fruit  napkin  is  brought  he  takes  it  from  the  glass 
plate  on  which  it  is  laid,  and  either  places  it  at  his  right  hand 
or  across  his  knee,  and  the  'illuminated  rag,'  as  some  wit  called 
the  little  embroidered  doily,  which  is  not  meant  for  use,  is, 
after  having  been  examined  and  admired,  laid  on  the  table, 
beside  the  finger-bowl.  These  pretty  little  trifles  can  serve 
several  times  the  purpose  of  ornamenting  the  finger-bowl. 

"Napkins,  when  laid  away  in  a  chest  or  drawer,  should  have 
some  pleasant,  cleanly  herb  like  lavender  or  sweet-grass,  or  the 
old-fashioned  clover,  or  bags  of  Oriental  orris-root,  put  be- 
tween them,  that  they  may  come  to  the  table  smelling  of  these 
delicious  scents. 


324  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"For  the  coffee  after  dinner  a  very  small  spoon  is  served,  as 
a  large  one  would  be  out  of  place  in  the  small  cups  that  are 
vised.  Indeed,  the  variety  of  forks  and  spoons  now  in  use  on  a 
well-furnished  table  is  astonishing. 

"One  of  our  most  esteemed  correspondents  asks,  'How  much 
soup  should  be  given  to  each  person  ?'  A  half-ladleful  is  quite 
enough,  unless  it  is  a  country  dinner,  where  a  full  ladleful  may 
be  given  without  offense ;  but  do  not  fill  the  soup  plate. 

"In  carving  a  joint  of  fowl  the  host  ought  to  make  sure  of 
the  condition  of  both  knife  and  fork.  Of  course  a  good  carver 
sees  to  both  before  dinner.  The  knife  should  be  of  the  best 
cutlery,  well  sharpened,  and  the  fork  long,  strong,  and  fur- 
nished with  a  guard. 

"Saltcellars  are  now  placed  at  each  plate,  and  it  is  not  im- 
proper to  take  salt  with  your  knife. 

"On  elegant  tables,  each  plate  or  'cover'  is  accompanied  by 
two  large  silver  knives,  a  small  silver  knife  and  fork  for  fish, 
a  small  fork  for  the  oysters  on  the  half-shell,  a  large  tablespoon 
for  soup,  and  three  large  forks.  The  napkin  is  folded  in  the 
center,  with  a  piece  of  bread  in  it.  As  the  dinner  progresses, 
the  knife  and  fork  and  spoon  which  have  been  used  are  taken 
away  with  the  plate.  This  saves  confusion,  and  the  servant 
has  not  to  bring  fresh  knives  and  forks  all  the  time.  Fish 
should  be  eaten  with  silver  knife  and  fork;  for  if  it  is  full  of 
bones,  like  shad,  for  instance,  it  is  very  difficult  to  manage  it 
without  the  aid  of  a  knife. 

"For  sweetbreads,  cutlets,  roast  beef,  etc.,  the  knife  is  also 
necessary ;  but  for  the  croquettes,  rissoles,  bouchces  d,  la  Reine, 
timbales,  and  dishes  of  that  class,  the  fork  alone  is  needed.  A 
majority  of  the  made  dishes  in  which  the  French  excel  are  to 
be  eaten  with  the  fork. 

"After  the  dinner  has  been  eaten,  and  the  dessert  reached, 


ODDS  AND  ENDS  325 

we  must  see  to  it  that  everything  is  cleared  off  but  the  table- 
cloth, which  is  now  never  removed.  A  dessert  plate  is  put 
before  each  guest,  and  a  gold  or  silver  spoon,  a  silver  dessert 
spoon  and  fork,  and  often  a  queer  little  combination  of  fork  and 
spoon,  called  an  'ice  spoon.' 

"In  England  strawberries  are  always  served  with  the  green 
stems,  and  each  one  is  taken  up  with  the  fingers,  dipped  in 
sugar,  and  thus  eaten. 

"Pears  and  apples  should  be  peeled  with  a  silver  knife,  cut 
into  quarters,  and  then  picked  up  with  the  fingers.  Oranges 
should  be  peeled,  and  cut  or  separated,  as  the  eater  chooses. 
Grapes  should  be  eaten  from  behind  the  half-closed  hand,  the 
stones  and  skin  falling  into  the  fingers  unobserved,  and  thence 
to  the  plate.  Never  swallow  the  stones  of  small  fruits;  it  is 
extremely  dangerous.  The  pineapple  is  almost  the  only  fruit 
which  requires  both  knife  and  fork. 

"So  much  has  the  fork  come  into  use  of  late  that  a  wit  ob- 
served that  he  took  everything  with  it  but  afternoon  tea.  The 
thick  chocolate,  he  observed,  often  served  at  afternoon  enter- 
tainments, could  be  eaten  comfortably  with  a  fork,  particularly 
the  whipped  cream  on  top  of  it. 

"A  knife  and  fork  are  both  used  in  eating  salad,  if  it  is  not 
cut  up  before  serving.  A  large  lettuce  leaf  cannot  be  easily 
managed  without  a  knife,  and  of  course  the  fork  must  be  used 
to  carry  it  to  the  mouth.  Thus,  as  bread,  butter,  and  cheese 
are  served  with  the  salad,  the  salad  knife  and  fork  are  really 
essential." 

THE  PAINFULLY  DIFFIDENT 

The  same  authority,  speaking  of  the  awkward  and  the  shy, 
pays  especial  attention  to  men: 

"Who  does  not  pity  the  trembling  boy  when,  on  the  evening 
of  his  first  party,  he  succumbs  to  this  dreadful  malady?  The 


326  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

color  comes  in  spots  on  his  face,  and  his  hands  are  cold  and 
clammy.  He  sits  down  on  the  stairs  and  wishes  he  were  dead. 
A  strange  sensation  is  running  down  his  back.  'Come,  Peter, 
cheer  up,'  his  mother  says,  not  daring  to  tell  him  how  she 
sympathizes  with  him.  He  is  afraid  to  be  afraid,  he  is  ashamed 
to  be  ashamed.  Nothing  can  equal  this  moment  of  agony. 
The  whole  room  looks  black  before  him  as  some  chipper  little 
girl,  who  knows  not  the  meaning  of  the  word  'embarrassment,' 
comes  to  greet  him.  He  crawls  off  to  the  friendly  shelter  of  a 
group  of  boys,  and  sees  the  'craven  of  the  playground,  the 
dunce  of  the  school,'  with  a  wonderful  self-possession,  lead  off 
in  the  german  with  the  prettiest  girl.  As  he  grows  older,  and 
becomes  the  young  man  whose  duty  it  is  to  go  to  dinners  and 
afternoon  parties,  this  terrible  weakness  will  again  overcome 
him.  He  has  done  well  at  college,  can  make  a  very  good  speech 
at  the  club  suppers,  but  at  the  door  of  a  parlor  he  feels  himself  a 
driveling  idiot.  He  assumes  a  courage,  if  he  has  it  not,  and 
dashes  into  a  room  (which  is  full  of  people)  as  he  would  attack 
a  forlorn  hope.  There  is  safety  in  numbers,  and  he  retires  to  a 
corner. 

"When  he  goes  to  a  tea  party  a  battery  of  feminine  eyes  gazes 
at  him  with  a  critical  perception  of  his  youth  and  rawness. 
Knowing  that  he  ought  to  be  supremely  graceful  and  serene, 
he  stumbles  over  a  footstool,  and  hears  a  suppressed  giggle. 
He  reaches  his  hostess,  and  wishes  she  were  the  'cannon's 
mouth,'  in  order  that  his  sufferings  might  be  ended ;  but  she  is 
not.  His  agony  is  to  last  the  whole  evening.  Tea  parties  are 
eternal :  they  never  end ;  they  are  like  the  old-fashioned  ideas 
of  a  future  state  of  torment — they  grow  hotter  and  more 
stifling. 

"As  the  evening  advances  toward  eternity  he  upsets  the 
cream  jug.  He  summons  all  his  will-power,  or  he  would  run 


ODDS  AND  ENDS  327 

away.  No ;  retreat  is  impossible.  One  must  die  at  the  post  of 
duty.  He  thinks  of  all  the  formulas  of  courage — 'None  but  the 
brave  deserve  the  fair/  'He  either  fears  his  fate  too  much,  or 
his  deserts  are  small,'  'There  is  no  such  coward  as  self-con- 
sciousness, etc.  But  these  maxims  are  of  no  avail.  His  feet 
are  feet  of  clay,  not  good  to  stand  on,  only  good  to  stumble 
with.  His  hands  are  cold,  tremulous,  and  useless.  There  is  a 
very  disagreeable  feeling  in  the  back  of  his  neck,  and  a  spinning 
sensation  about  the  brain.  A  queer  rumbling  seizes  his  ears. 
He  has  heard  that  'conscience  makes  cowards  of  us  all.'  What 
mortal  sin  has  he  committed  ?  His  moral  sense  answers  back, 
'None.  You  are  only  that  poor  creature,  a  bashful  youth.' 
And  he  bravely  calls  on  all  his  nerves,  muscles,  and  brains  to 
help  him  through  this  ordeal.  He  sees  the  pitying  eyes  of  the 
woman  to  whom  he  is  talking  turn  away  from  his  countenance 
(on  which  he  knows  that  all  his  miserable  shyness  has  written 
itself  in  legible  characters).  'And  this  humiliation,  too?'  he 
asks  himself,  as  she  brings  him  the  usual  refuge  of  the  awk- 
ward— a  portfolio  of  photographs  to  look  at.  Women  are  sel- 
dom troubled,  at  the  age  at  which  men  suffer,  with  bashfulness 
or  awkwardness.  It  is  as  if  Nature  thus  compensated  the 
weaker  vessel.  Cruel  are  those  women,  however,  and  most  to 
be  reprobated,  who  laugh  at  a  bashful  man ! 

"The  sufferings  of  a  shy  man  would  fill  a  volume.  It  is  a 
nervous  seizure  for  which  no  part  of  his  organization  is  to 
blame;  he  cannot  reason  it  away,  he  can  only  crush  it  by  en- 
during it :  'To  bear  is  to  conquer  our  Fate.'  Some  men,  finding 
the  play  not  worth  the  candle,  give  up  society  and  the  world ; 
others  go  on,  suffer,  and  come  out  cool  veterans  who  fear  no 
tea  party,  however  overwhelming  it  may  be." 

"A  call  should  never  be  too  long.  A  woman  of  the  world 
says  that  one  hour  is  all  that  should  be  granted  to  a  caller. 


328  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

This  rule  is  a  good  one  for  an  evening  visit.  It  is  much  better 
to  have  one's  hostess  wishing  for  a  longer  visit  than  to  have 
her  sigh  that  you  should  go.  In  a  first  visit  a  gentleman  should 
always  send  in  his  card.  After  that  he  may  dispense  with  that 
ceremony. 

"A  gentleman,  for  an  evening  visit,  should  always  be  in 
evening  dress,  black  cloth  dress-coat,  waistcoat,  and  trousers, 
faultless  linen  and  white  cravat,  silk  stockings,  and  polished 
low  shoes.  A  black  cravat  is  permissible,  but  it  is  not  full 
dress.  He  should  carry  a  crush  hat  in  his  hand,  and  a  cane  if 
he  likes.  For  a  dinner  party  a  white  cravat  is  indispensable ;  a 
man  must  wear  it  then.  No  jewelry  of  any  kind  is  fashionable, 
excepting  rings.  Men  hide  their  watch  chains,  in  evening 
dress. 

"The  hands  should  be  especially  cared  for,  the  nails  carefully 
cut  and  trimmed.  No  matter  how  big  or  how  red  the  hand  is, 
the  more  masculine  the  better.  Women  like  men  to  look  manly, 
as  if  they  could  drive,  row,  play  ball,  cricket,  perhaps  even 
handle  the  gloves. 

"A  gentleman's  dress  should  be  so  quiet  and  so  perfect  that  it 
will  not  excite  remark  or  attention.  Thackeray  used  to  advise 
that  a  watering-pot  should  be  applied  to  a  new  hat  to  take  off 
the  gloss.  The  suspicion  of  being  dressed  up  defeats  an  other- 
wise good  toilet. 

"A  man  should  never  force  himself  into  any  society,  or  go 
anywhere  unasked.  Of  course,  if  he  be  taken  by  a  lady,  she 
assumes  the  responsibility,  and  it  is  an  understood  thing  that  a 
leader  of  society  can  take  a  young  man  anywhere.  She  is  his 
sponsor. 

"In  the  early  morning  a  young  man  should  wear  the  heavy, 
loosely  fitting  English  clothes  now  so  fashionable,  but  for  an 
afternoon  promenade  with  a  lady,  or  for  a  reception,  a  frock 


ODDS  AND  ENDS  329 

coat  tightly  buttoned,  gray  trousers,  a  neat  tie,  and  plain  gold 
pin  is  very  good  form.  This  dress  is  allowed  at  a  small  dinner 
in  the  country,  or  for  a  Sunday  tea. 

"If  men  are  in  the  Adirondacks,  if  flannel  is  the  only  wear, 
there  is  no  dressing  for  dinner;  but  in  a  country  house,  where 
there  are  guests,  it  is  better  to  make  a  full  evening  toilet,  unless 
the  hostess  gives  absolution.  There  should  always  be  some 
change,  and  clean  linen,  a  fresh  coat,  fresh  shoes,  etc.,  donned 
even  in  the  quiet  retirement  of  one's  own  home. 

"Neatness,  a  cold  bath  every  morning,  and  much  exercise  in 
the  open  air  are  among  the  admirable  customs  of  young  gentle- 
men of  the  present  day.  If  every  one  of  them,  no  matter  how 
busy,  how  hard-worked,  could  come  home  and  dress  for  dinner, 
it  would  be  a  good  habit.  Indeed,  if  all  American  men,  like  all 
English  men,  would  show  this  attention  to  their  wives,  society 
would  be  far  more  elegant.  A  man  always  expects  his  wife  to 
dress  for  him ;  why  should  he  not  dress  for  her?" 


XXVII 

CHRISTMAS  AND  OTHER  ANNIVERSARIES 

CHRISTMAS  is  the  happiest  and  merriest  time  in  the  whole 
round  year.  The  whole  world  claims  it.  The  little  Child  who 
was  born  in  Bethlehem  two  thousand  years  ago  is  making  all 
the  world  His  own.  As  in  the  early  dawn  of  Christmas  Day 
the  angels  sang,  "Peace  on  earth,  good  will  to  men,"  so  now 
they  are  singing  in  every  land,  and  still  the  shepherds  and  the 
Wise  Men,  the  rich  and  the  poor,  the  learned  and  the  ignorant, 
keep  Christmas  Day,  if  they  have  come  under  the  divine 
dominion  of  the  Holy  Child.  Missionaries  have  carried  the 
story  of  the  manger  and  the  cross  into  every  land,  and  before 
the  name  of  Jesus  the  idols  are  falling.  Though  "the  heathen 
in  his  blindness  still  bows  down  to  wood  and  stone,"  yet  in  this 
wonderful  century  he  is  learning  that  there  is  a  better  way. 
We  may  soon  hope  for  the  day  when  Christmas  shall  be  kept 
as  fully  in  China,  Japan,  Ceylon,  Korea,  Arabia,  and  all  the 
islands  of  the  South  Sea  as  in  England  and  America. 

First  let  us  speak  of  Christmas  gifts.  It  is  opvious  that 
politeness  requires  that  every  gift  should  be  acknowledged  as 
soon  as  possible,  either  by  verbal  thanks  or  else  by  a  note. 
We  must  never  be  chary  of  thanks.  Unwise  people  make  a 
burden  of  Christmas  and  bestow  gifts  beyond  their  means,  in- 
volving debt  or  great  self-denial  for  weeks  after  the  happy 
time  is  over.  No  one  can  justify  this  proceeding.  Far  better 
is  it  strictly  to  limit  the  gifts  made  than  to  lavish  them  on  kith 
and  kin  and  friends  far  and  near,  to  the  detriment  of  our  later 


CHRISTMAS  AND  OTHER  ANNIVERSARIES  331 

peace  of  mind.  In  choosing  Christmas  gifts  there  is  an  art  that 
may  be  cultivated.  Children,  of  course,  are  made  extremely 
happy  with  toys  and  games,  the  little  girls  delighting  most  in 
dolls,  the  boys  in  drums,  trumpets,  hobbyhorses,  and  the  like. 

For  elderly  ladies  the  choice  must  be  some  article  of  comfort 
or  beauty.  Proverbially  difficult  is  it  to  select  gifts  for  men, 
but  there  is  a  quite  wide  range  of  articles  which  they  like. 
Books  especially  are  always  sure  to  please  them,  and  a  sub- 
scription to  a  good  paper  or  magazine  is  a  recurrent  gift  which 
pleases  fifty-two  times  in  the  year  if  weekly,  and  twelve  times 
in  the  year  if  monthly.  The  Christmas  tree  with  its  crinkled 
papers  should  brighten  every  home.  Perhaps  the  children  may 
themselves  make  the  presents  for  the  tree.  Around  its  foot  the 
larger  gifts — boxes  of  tools  for  the  boys,  a  camera,  a  burnt- 
wood  set,  and  dolls  galore — may  be  placed.  On  the  tree  itself 
the  smaller  presents  may  be  fastened.  If  the  father  or  older 
brother  will  consent  to  take  the  place  of  Santa  Claus,  and  dress 
for  the  character,  the  fun  of  the  hour  will  soon  be  at  its  height. 
The  Christmas  tree  is  for  Christmas  Eve.  If  preferred  instead 
of  the  tree,  the  stockings  may  be  hung  in  the  chimney  corner, 
and  the  children  may  scurry  over  the  floor  in  the  morning  to 
find  what  the  good  Saint  has  left  for  them  in  the  dead 
of  night. 

Let  none  forget  at  Christmas  the  little  children  in  the  hospi- 
tal, the  old  people  in  the  Homes  that  begin  with  a  capital  H, 
the  newsboys,  the  children  in  the  mission  schools,  the  orphans, 
and  the  poor.  We  should  try  at  Christmas  time  to  do  our  share 
in  sending  gladness  and  light  into  every  lonely  and  every 
darkened  home,  for  Christmas  has  come,  the  day  on  which 
was  born  the  little  Child,  God's  Son  and  Mary's,  who  came  to 
take  away  the  sin  of  the  world. 

Although  so  much  has  been  said  in  this  volume  about  what 


332  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

to  some  may  seem  merely  superficial,  it  cannot  be  too  often 
repeated  that  the  peace  and  joy  of  life  depend  greatly  on  our 
gentleness,  kindness,  and  good  manners.  It  has  been  said  that 
the  best  definition  of  manners  was  given  by  a  gallant  French- 
man in  the  days  of  the  French  Revolution.  He  said,  "I  would 
rather  be  trampled  upon  by  a  velvet  slipper  than  a  wooden 
shoe."  Think  for  one  instant  how  delightful  the  world  would 
be  if  no  sharp  word  were  ever  spoken,  if  no  rough  jest  were 
ever  tolerated,  and  if  people  from  the  highest  to  the  lowest  were 
always  courteous,  and  always  trying  to  make  one  another 
happy. 

Politeness  is  really  good-fellowship.  It  puts  in  one's  hand  a 
weapon  of  finest  edge,  and  arms  one  for  success  in  life,  not 
merely  by  blunt  fighting,  but  by  conciliation,  magnanimity,  and 
good  will. 

Though  Christmas  emphasizes  this  beautiful  truth,  it  is  not 
the  only  season  when  we  may  stop  our  work  and  rest  awhile, 
and  try  what  virtue  there  is  in  play. 

WHEN  DADDY  LIGHTS  THE  TREE 

We  have  our  share  of  ups  and  downs, 

Our  cares  like  other  folk; 
The  pocketbook  is  sometimes  full, 

We're  sometimes  nigh  dead  broke; 
But  once  a  year,  at  Christmas  time, 

Our  hearth  is  bright  to  see; 
The  baby's  hand  just  touches  heaven 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 

For  weeks  and  weeks  the  little  ones 

Have  lotted  on  this  hour; 
And  mother,  she  has  planned  for  it 

Since  summer's  sun  and  shower. 


CHRISTMAS  AND  OTHER  ANNIVERSARIES  333 

With  here  a  nickel,  there  a  dime, 

Put  by  where  none  could  see, 
A  loving  hoard  against  the  night 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 


The  tiny  tapers  glow  like  stars; 

They  'mind  us  of  the  flame 
That  rifted  once  the  steel-blue  sky 

The  morn  the  Christ-child  came; 
The  blessed  angels  sang  to  earth 

Above  that  far  countree — 
We  think  they  sing  above  our  hearth 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 

The  weest  kid  in  mother's  arms 

Laughs  out  and  claps  her  hands, 
The  rest  of  us  on  tiptoe  wait; 

The  grown-up  brother  stands 
Where  he  can  reach  the  topmost  branch, 

Our  Santa  Claus  to  be, 
In  that  sweet  hour  of  breathless  joy 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 

Our  grandpa  says  'twas  just  as  fine 

In  days  when  he  was  young; 
For  every  Christmas,  ages  through, 

The  happy  bells  have  rung. 
And  daddy's  head  is  growing  gray, 

But  yet  a  boy  is  he, 
As  merry  as  the  rest  of  us, 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 

'Tis  love  that  makes  the  world  go  round, 

'Tis  love  that  lightens  toil, 
'Tis  love  that  lays  up  treasure  which 

Nor  moth  nor  rust  can  spoil; 


334  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

And  love  is  in  our  humble  home, 

In  largess  full  and  free, 
We  are  so  very  close  to  heaven 

When  daddy  lights  the  tree. 

December's  last  sigh  is  succeeded  by  January's  boisterous 
cheer.  "Happy  New  Year!"  say  the  neighbors.  The  whole 
world  is  gay  in  the  welcome  opportunity  of  saying  a  merry 
word  of  good  comradeship. 

LENT 

Swiftly  on  the  heels  of  the  departing  holidays  follows  Lent. 
We  cannot  justly  say  that  there  is  an  etiquette  of  Lent,  yet 
this  season  of  prayer  and  meditation,  of  fasting  and  self-denial, 
is  rapidly  growing  a  world-season.  So  far  as  Christendom  is 
concerned,  everywhere  good  people  of  every  religious  creed 
find  it  a  good  thing  to  retire  daily  for  a  time  from  social  and 
business  engagements  and  spend  a  while  with  God. 

Lenten  midday  services  afford  the  business  man  and  woman 
an  opportunity  to  withdraw  at  noontide,  enter  a  church,  and 
think  of  the  better  life.  Early  morning  and  afternoon  vesper 
services  attract  the  devout.  During  Lent  it  is  part  of  society's 
accepted  good  form  to  engage  definitely  in  works  of  charity. 
Sewing  classes  for  the  poor  and  the  orphan,  and  visits  to  the 
sick  and  neglected,  are  now  in  order. 

EASTER 

Other  anniversaries  follow  in  the  year's  round.  Fast  comes 
the  festival  of  Easter.  After  Good  Friday  with  its  penitential 
gloom,  Easter  dawns  in  a  blaze  of  glory  and  splendor,  with 
flowers  everywhere,  and  lofty  choral  music  in  the  churches. 


CHRISTMAS  AND  OTHER  ANNIVERSARIES  335 

EASTER 

Sing  that  the  winter  is  over; 

Sing  for  the  coming  of  spring, 
For  the  showers  and  flowers  and  beautiful  hours, 

And  the  flash  of  the  robin's  wing. 
Sing  for  the  gladness  of  Easter; 

Lift  up  your  voices  and  sing. 

Deep  in  the  heart  of  the  forest, 

Down  at  the  roots  of  the  trees, 
There  is  a  stir  of  the  violets  coming, 

And  smile  of  anemones; 
And  many  a  kiss  of  fragrance 

Goes  out  to  the  random  breeze. 

Sing  for  the  coming  of  Easter, 

And  many  a  rare  surprise 
Of  beauty  and  bloom  awaiting 

The  looking  of  happy  eyes. 
Sing  for  the  Easter  sunshine 

And  the  blue  benignant  skies. 

And  carry  the  tall,  white  lilies, 

And  the  roses  brimming  sweet, 
To  the  church  where  aisle  and  altar 

Are  sought  by  hastening  feet. 
Sing  to  the  Lord  of  the  Easter, 

Who  is  coming  your  songs  to  meet. 

The  lesson  of  Easter  for  us,  wherever  we  may  be,  is  that 
the  reign  of  sorrow  and  death  is  brief,  and  the  reign  of  joy 
and  life  is  everlasting.  Beyond  the  smiling  and  the  weeping 
we  shall  meet  all  our  dear  ones  whom  we  have  lost,  and  dwell 
with  them  in  the  light  of  the  Saviour's  face.  Therefore  we 
should  not  grieve  too  long,  nor  cloud  the  happiness  of  the 
young  by  our  persistent  sadness.  To  be  brave  and  buoyant  is 


336  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

taught  us  by  the  little  daffodils  and  jonquils,  the  snowdrops 
and  anemones,  that  usher  in  Easter  Day. 

After  Easter,  through  the  processional  splendor  of  May  and 
June,  we  march  day  by  day  to  fervid  summer. 

THE  FOURTH  OF  JULY 

is  our  national  holiday,  when  it  is  in  order  to  remember  how 
much  the  fathers  paid  for  our  independence.  We  are  wont 
to  keep  the  glorious  Fourth  with  processions,  picnics,  martial 
music,  and  many  fireworks.  It  is  a  rollicking  holiday,  full  of 
noise  and  excitement,  when  the  flags  fly  everywhere  and  the 
small  boy  has  the  right  of  way,  with  every  variety  of  explosive. 
Although  we  might  improve  on  our  usual  fashion  of  keeping 
the  Fourth,  it  is  yet  a  great  American  day,  dear  to  us  all,  and 
it  gives  the  young  an  escape  valve  for  patriotism,  and  the  old 
an  opportunity  to  remember  the  days  when  they  were  young 
and  to  share  in  the  general  enthusiasm. 

HALLOWE'EN 

is  a  season  dear  to  lovers  and  sweethearts.  It  has  its  appro- 
priate celebrations.  A  Hallowe'en  party  may  be  kept  in  this 
way:  All  light  may  be  extinguished  except  that  which  comes 
from  an  open  wood  fire.  Guests  may  be  invited  to  tell  ghost 
stories,  and  while  the  story-telling  is  going  on  apples  may  be 
hissing  in  the  embers  of  the  fire.  An  interesting  account  of 
a  Hallowe'en  Party  was  given  in  one  of  the  magazines  recently. 
As  there  is  something  rather  novel  about  it  I  quote  it  from 
Good  Housekeeping: 

"The  guests  on  their  arrival  were  immediately  separated, 
the  ladies  being  shown  into  an  upstairs  room  and  the  men  into 
another.  When  all  were  gathered,  a  shrouded  figure  led  each 
gentleman  into  the  ladies'  room,  introduced  him,  and  solemnly 


CHRISTMAS  AND  OTHER  ANNIVERSARIES  337 

led  him  back  again.  This  impressive  ceremony  over,  a  signal 
was  given  and  everyone  started  down  to  the  drawing  room ; 
but  hardly  had  they  reached  the  top  of  the  stairs  before  every 
light  was  turned  out,  and  as  the  stairway  was  winding  the 
descent  was  no  easy  one. 

"The  guests  reached  the  drawing  room  finally,  and  an  un- 
seen mentor  bade  them  be  seated.  Search  for  chairs  was  in- 
stituted, but  no  amount  of  feeling  revealed  so  much  as  one; 
by  common  consent  the  guests  squatted  upon  the  floor,  Turk 
fashion.  Suddenly  a  flicker  of  light  relieved  the  darkness,  and 
there,  beside  the  piano,  glowed  the  fiery  eyes  of  the  pumpkin 
man,  whose  anatomy,  under  the  stuffed  coat  and  trousers, 
would  have  revealed  the  tall  electric  piano  lamp,  for  which  the 
pumpkin  had  served  as  the  temporary  shade.  The  man  was 
fickle,  however,  and  presently  denied  the  radiant  light  of  his 
countenance.  But  scarcely  had  darkness  resumed  its  reign 
than  a  dark  curtain  was  withdrawn  at  the  farther  end  of  the 
room,  disclosing  a  fireplace  with  another  grinning,  red-eyed 
face. 

"Up  to  this  point  the  black-robed  master  of  ceremonies  had 
exacted  absolute  silence;  but  now  another  dusky  figure  glided 
in  and,  seating  itself  at  the  piano  (a  chair  had  been  placed 
in  front  of  it  so  adroitly  as  to  be  useless  to  any  but  the  ini- 
tiated), struck  the  opening  chords  of  a  familiar  and  dolorous 
chant.  And  the  company  with  unloosed  tongues  wailed  out 
the  refrain  until  the  cold  chills  ran  up  and  down  their 
spines. 

"As  the  last  strains  died  away,  the  lights  suddenly  flashed 
out,  revealing  the  guests  in  various  laughable  postures,  which 
no  whit  lessened  the  growing  hilarity  with  which  the  company 
joined  in  the  usual  games  and  jokes  and  partook  of  the  re- 
freshments. The  witching  hour  of  twelve  struck  before  the 


338  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

guests  were  ready  to  depart,  having  had  their  fill  of  weirdness 
and  jollity." 

THANKSGIVING 

Peculiarly  dear  to  every  American  heart  is  Thanksgiving. 
Very  early  in  the  history  of  New  England,  our  Pilgrim  fathers 
and  mothers  set  aside  a  day  to  thank  God  when  harvest  was 
over,  and  they  had  really  established  themselves  as  home- 
makers  and  householders  in  the  new  land.  There  must  have 
been  many  homesick  hearts  at  the  first  Thanksgiving.  Life 
is  not  smooth  and  jocund  for  the  founders  of  a  new  nation, 
but  with  reverent  belief  in  God  and  earnest  looking  up  to  him 
they  worshiped  him  in  church  and  meetinghouse  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  afterward  gathered  around  the  family  board.  A 
gathering  of  the  clans  is  an  especial  and  useful  feature  of 
Thanksgiving;  fathers  and  mothers,  married  sons  and  daugh- 
ters, and  the  children  from  the  lads  and  lasses  who  are  grown 
down  to  the  baby,  are  met  under  one  roof  in  the  typical 
Thanksgiving.  Long  may  we  keep  this  beautiful  and  happy 
day,  not  forgetting  to  invite  to  our  dinner  of  turkey  and  ac- 
companiments the  stranger,  the  homeless,  and  the  lonely.  The 
appropriate  decorations  for  Thanksgiving  are  ripened  fruits 
and  grain,  the  golden  pumpkin,  and  autumn  leaves. 


XXVIII 
MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY 

FROM  those  dim  historic  days  when  the  cave  dweller  emerged 
from  his  solitude,  seized  a  woman  by  main  force,  and  dragged 
her  from  her  people  that  she  might  become  his  wife,  to  the 
present  highly  civilized  era,  is  a  very  far  cry.  With  the  lack 
of  manners  in  remote  ages  this  book  has  nothing  to  do.  We 
may,  however,  find  it  interesting  to  glance  backward  and  dis- 
cover something  of  the  development  of  manners  along  the 
lines  of  English  and  American  history.  Take,  for  example, 
the  novels  of  Jane  Austen.  In  these  we  are  shown  the  de- 
portment of  the  best  and  most  cultivated  society  in  the  time 
of  this  noted  and  favorite  English  author.  Miss  Austen  was 
born  in  1775  and  died  in  1817.  Her  first  novel  appeared  in 
1811,  three  years  before  the  publication  of  Sir  Walter  Scott's 
Waverley.  Within  somewhat  narrow  limits  she  is  unexcelled 
as  a  painter  of  people  and  behavior  in  the  good  society  of  her 
time.  Scott's  criticism  of  her  was  this:  "The  big  bow-wow 
strain  I  can  do  myself  like  any  now  going,  but  the  exquisite 
touch  which  renders  ordinary  commonplace  things  and  char- 
acters interesting,  from  the  truth  of  the  description  and  the 
sentiment,  is  denied  me." 

As  everybody  knows,  one  of  Miss  Austen's  most  delightful 
heroines  is  Miss  Elizabeth  Bennet,  and  the  whole  Bennet  fam- 
ily are  extremely  entertaining  and  interesting.  They  are  in- 
troduced to  the  reader  in  this  way:  "My  dear  Mr.  Bennet," 
said  his  lady  to  him,  "have  you  heard  that  Netherfield  Park 
is  let  at  last?" 


340 

Observe  here  the  expression  "his  lady."  Thirty  years  ago 
an  old-fashioned  man  might  have  entered  himself  and  wife  on 
a  hotel  register  as  "John  Smith  and  lady;"  that  was  the  old 
style,  completely  superseded  now  by  "John  Smith  and  wife," 
which  is  surely  in  better  taste. 

To  read  Pride  and  Prejudice,  in  which  Elizabeth  is  the 
central  character,  is  to  receive  a  good  idea  of  the  manners  of 
the  later  eighteenth  century.  Jane  Austen  is  indeed  a  minia- 
ture painter  of  social  good  breeding. 

A  chapter  showing  Colonel  Fitzwilliam,  an  elegant  gentle- 
man of  the  day,  in  attendance  upon  Miss  Bennet's  music  will 
show  as  well  as  anything  can  the  manner  of  a  man  of  that  day 
when  he  admired  a  lady. 

A  QUOTATION  FROM  JANE  AUSTEN 

"Colonel  Fitzwilliam's  manners  were  very  much  admired 
at  the  parsonage,  and  the  ladies  all  felt  that  he  must  add 
considerably  to  the  pleasure  of  their  engagements  at  Rosings. 
It  was  some  days,  however,  before  they  received  any  invita- 
tion thither — for  while  there  were  visitors  in  the  house  they 
could  not  be  necessary ;  and  it  was  not  till  Easter  Day,  almost 
a  week  after  the  gentleman's  arrival,  that  they  were  honored 
by  such  an  attention,  and  then  they  were  merely  asked  on  leav- 
ing church  to  come  there  in  the  evening.  For  the  last  week 
they  had  seen  very  little  of  either  Lady  Catherine  or  her 
daughter.  Colonel  Fitzwilliam  called  at  the  parsonage  more 
than  once  during  the  time,  but  Mr.  Darcy  they  had  only  seen 
at  church. 

"The  invitation  was  accepted,  of  course,  and  at  a  proper 
hour  they  joined  the  party  in  Lady  Catherine's  drawing  room. 
Her  ladyship  received  them  civilly,  but  it  was  plain  that  their 
company  was  by  no  means  so  acceptable  as  when  she  could  get 


MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY       341 

nobody  else;  and  she  was,  in  fact,  almost  engrossed  by  her 
nephews,  speaking  to  them,  especially  to  Darcy,  much  more 
than  to  any  other  person  in  the  room. 

"Colonel  Fitzwilliam  seemed  really  glad  to  see  them;  any- 
thing was  a  welcome  relief  to  him  at  Rosings ;  and  Mrs.  Col- 
lin's  pretty  friend  had,  moreover,  caught  his  fancy  very  much. 
He  now  seated  himself  by  her,  and  talked  so  agreeably  of 
Kent  and  Hertfordshire,  of  traveling  and  staying  at  home,  of 
new  books  and  music,  that  Elizabeth  had  never  been  half  so 
well  entertained  in  that  room  before;  and  they  conversed  with 
so  much  spirit  and  flow  as  to  draw  the  attention  of  Lady  Cath- 
erine herself,  as  well  as  of  Mr.  Darcy.  His  eyes  had  been 
soon  and  repeatedly  turned  toward  them  with  a  look  of  curi- 
osity; and  that  her  ladyship  after  a  while  shared  the  feeling 
was  more  openly  acknowledged,  for  she  did  not  scruple  to 
call  out: 

"  'What  is  that  you  are  saying,  Fitzwilliam  ?  What  is  it  you 
are  talking  of?  What  are  you  telling  Miss  Bennet?  Let  me 
hear  what  it  is.' 

"  'We  are  speaking  of  music,  madam/  said  he,  when  no 
longer  able  to  avoid  a  reply. 

"  'Of  music !  Then  pray  speak  aloud.  It  is  of  all  subjects 
my  delight.  I  must  have  my  share  in  the  conversation  if  you 
are  speaking  of  music.  There  are  few  people  in  England,  I 
suppose,  who  have  more  true  enjoyment  of  music  than  myself, 
or  a  better  natural  taste.  If  I  had  ever  learned,  I  should  have 
been  a  great  proficient.  And  so  would  Anne,  if  her  health  had 
allowed  her  to  apply.  I  am  confident  that  she  would  have 
performed  delightfully.  How  does  Georgiana  get  on,  Darcy?' 

"Mr.  Darcy  spoke  with  affectionate  praise  of  his  sister's 
proficiency. 

"  'I  am  very  glad  to  hear  such  a  good  account  of  her/  said 


342  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

Lady  Catherine;  'and  pray  tell  her  from  me,  that  she  cannot 
expect  to  excel  if  she  does  not  practice  a  great  deal.* 

"  'I  assure  you,  madam,'  he  replied,  'that  she  does  not  need 
such  advice.  She  practices  very  constantly.' 

"  'So  much  the  better.  It  cannot  be  done  too  much ;  and 
when  I  next  write  to  her  I  shall  charge  her  not  to  neglect  it 
on  any  account.  I  often  tell  young  ladies  that  no  excellence 
in  music  is  to  be  acquired  without  constant  practice.  I  have 
told  Miss  Bennet  several  times  that  she  will  never  play  really 
well  unless  she  practices  more ;  and  although  Mrs.  Collins  has 
no  instrument,  she  is  very  welcome,  as  I  have  often  told  her, 
to  come  to  Rosings  every  day,  and  play  on  the  pianoforte  in 
Mrs.  Jenkinson's  room.  She  would  be  in  nobody's  way,  you 
know,  in  that  part  of  the  house.' 

"Mr.  Darcy  looked  a  little  ashamed  of  his  aunt's  ill  breed- 
ing, and  made  no  answer. 

"When  coffee  was  over,  Colonel  Fitzwilliam  reminded  Eliz- 
abeth of  having  promised  to  play  to  him;  and  she  sat  down 
directly  to  the  instrument.  He  drew  a  chair  near  hers.  Lady 
Catherine  listened  to  half  a  song,  and  then  talked,  as  before, 
to  her  other  nephew;  till  the  latter  walked  away  from  her, 
and,  moving  with  his  usual  deliberation  to  the  pianoforte,  sta- 
tioned himself  so  as  to  command  a  full  view  of  the  fair  per- 
former's countenance.  Elizabeth  saw  what  he  was  doing, 
and  at  the  first  convenient  pause  turned  to  him  with  an  arch 
smile,  and  said: 

"  'You  mean  to  frighten  me,  Mr.  Darcy,  by  coming  in  all 
this  state  to  hear  me  ?  But  I  will  not  be  alarmed  though  your 
sister  does  play  so  well.  There  is  a  stubbornness  about  me 
that  never  can  bear  to  be  frightened  at  the  will  of  others.  My 
courage  always  rises  with  every  attempt  to  intimidate  me/ 

"  'I  shall  not  say  that  you  are  mistaken,'  he  replied,  'because 


MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY       343 

you  could  not  really  believe  me  to  entertain  any  design  of 
alarming  you ;  and  I  have  had  the  pleasure  of  your  acquaint- 
ance long  enough  to  know  that  you  find  great  enjoyment  in 
occasionally  professing  opinions  that  are  not  your  own.' 

"Elizabeth  laughed  heartily  at  the  picture  of  herself,  and 
said  to  Colonel  Fitzwilliam,  'Your  cousin  will  give  you  a  very 
pretty  notion  of  me,  and  teach  you  not  to  believe  a  word  I  say. 
I  am  particularly  unlucky  in  meeting  with  a  person  so  well 
able  to  expose  my  real  character,  in  a  part  of  the  world  where 
I  had  hoped  to  pass  myself  off  with  some  degree  of  credit. 
Indeed,  Mr.  Darcy,  it  is  very  ungenerous  in  you  to  mention 
all  that  you  knew  to  my  disadvantage  in  Hertfordshire — and, 
give  me  leave  to  say,  very  impolitic,  too— for  it  is  provoking 
me  to  retaliate,  and  such  things  may  come  out  as  will  shock 
your  relations  to  hear/ 

"  'I  am  not  afraid  of  you,'  said  he,  smilingly. 

"Pray  let  me  hear  what  you  have  to  accuse  him  of/  cried 
Colonel  Fitzwilliam.  'I  should  like  to  know  how  he  behaves 
among  strangers.' 

"The  young  lady  thus  challenged  proceeded  naively  to  re- 
late how  the  young  gentleman  had  carried  himself  on  the  oc- 
casion of  their  first  meeting.  Elizabeth  Bennet  had  no  shy- 
ness, but  she  was  not  forward.  She  had  the  air  of  piquant 
sweetness  which  is  a  charm  of  girlhood  in  any  century  and  is 
the  monopoly  of  none.  An  attractive  girl  can  always  keep 
the  young  men  in  a  drawing  room  tied  to  her  apron-string  by 
a  smile  and  a  word  that  is  at  once  gracious  and  perverse,  if 
the  antithesis  may  be  pardoned. 

"  'Shall  we  ask/  said  Elizabeth,  'how  it  can  be  that  a  man 
of  sense  and  education,  and  who  has  lived  in  the  world,  is  ill 
qualified  to  recommend  himself  to  strangers  ?' 

"  'I  can  answer  your  question/  said  Fitzwilliam,  'without 


344  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

applying  to  him.  It  is  because  he  will  not  give  himself  the 
trouble/ 

"  'I  have  certainly  not  the  talent  which  some  people  pos- 
sess,' said  Darcy,  'of  conversing  with  those  I  have  never  seen 
before.  I  cannot  catch  their  tone  of  conversation,  or  appear 
interested  in  their  concerns,  as  I  often  see  done/ 

"  'My  fingers,'  said  Elizabeth,  'do  not  move  over  this  in- 
strument in  the  masterly  manner  which  I  see  so  many  women's 
do.  They  have  not  the  same  force  or  rapidity,  and  do  not 
produce  the  expression.  But  then  I  have  always  supposed  it 
to  have  been  my  own  fault — because  I  would  not  take  the 
trouble  of  practicing.  It  is  not  that  I  do  not  believe  my  fingers 
as  capable  as  any  other  woman's  of  superior  execution/ 

"Darcy  smiled  and  said,  'You  are  perfectly  right.  You  have 
employed  your  time  much  better.  No  one  admitted  to  the 
privilege  of  hearing  you  can  think  anything  wanting.  We 
neither  of  us  perform  to  strangers/ 

"Here  they  were  interrupted  by  Lady  Catherine,  who  called 
out  to  know  what  they  were  talking  of.  Elizabeth  immediately 
began  to  play  again.  Lady  Catherine  approached,  and,  after 
listening  for  a  few  minutes,  said  to  Darcy : 

"  'Miss  Bennet  would  not  play  at  all  amiss  if  she  practiced 
more,  and  could  have  the  advantage  of  a  London  master.  She 
has  a  very  good  notion  of  fingering,  though  her  taste  is  not 
equal  to  Anne's.  Anne  would  have  been  a  delightful  per- 
former had  her  health  allowed  her  to  learn/ 

"Elizabeth  looked  at  Darcy  to  see  how  cordially  he  assented 
to  his  cousin's  praise ;  but  neither  at  that  moment  nor  at  any 
other  could  she  discern  any  symptom  of  love,  and  from  the 
whole  of  his  behavior  to  Miss  de  Bourgh  she  derived  this 
comfort  for  Miss  Bingley,  that  he  might  have  been  just  as 
likely  to  marry  her,  had  she  been  his  relation. 


MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY       345 

"Lady  Catherine  continued  her  remarks  on  Elizabeth's  per- 
formance, mixing  them  with  many  instructions  on  execution 
and  taste.  Elizabeth  received  them  with  all  the  forbearance 
of  civility,  and,  at  the  request  of  the  gentlemen,  remained  at 
the  instrument  till  her  ladyship's  carriage  was  ready  to  take 
them  all  home." 

In  Miss  Austen's  books  a  piano  is  always  spoken  of  as  "the 
instrument,"  and  the  chief  end  of  man  and  woman  in  her  view, 
while  they  are  young  and  fancy-free,  is  as  soon  as  possible 
to  fall  in  love. 

All  through  English  novels  we  find  glimpses  of  fine  peo- 
ple and  their  behavior.  Thackeray,  Dickens,  William  Black, 
Thomas  Hardy,  and  George  Meredith  all  excel  in  describing 
manners,  and  one  deep  value  of  any  romance  is  that  it  set 
forth  plainly  the  intercourse  of  people  as  revealed  in  their 
common  life,  their  social  gayety,  and  their  ordinary  conversa- 
tion. Biography  also  illuminates  life  in  this  way.  No  one 
can  hope  to  acquire  a  perfect  manner  who  is  not  to  some 
extent  a  student  of  the  manners  of  the  past. 

NINETEENTH  CENTURY  GOOD  SOCIETY 

If  we  may  trust  the  chroniclers  of  the  later  nineteenth 
century,  a  wave  of  boorishness  at  that  period  passed  over  those 
who  claimed  to  belong  to  the  higher  ranks,  and  made  their 
manners  somewhat  degenerate.  Lords  and  ladies,  squires  and 
dames,  fell  into  a  wretched  habit  of  using  slang,  of  interlard- 
ing their  talk  with  profanity,  and  of  rudely  contradicting  and 
interrupting  those  with  whom  they  conversed.  Where  self- 
ishness and  rudeness  enter  good  breeding  is  trampled  under 
foot.  It  is  an  impossibility  to  have  politeness  without  altru- 
ism ;  regard  for  others  is  the  foundation  stone  of  urbane 
manners.  Politeness  is  built  upon  the  Golden  Rule. 


346  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

WOMEN  THE  DICTATORS 

Women  are  the  natural  dictators  of  manners.  In  the  divi- 
sion of  labor  which  began  in  the  Garden  of  Eden  it  was 
Adam's  part  to  till  the  ground,  and  Eve's  to  dress  and  keep 
it.  Man  goes  forth  as  the  pioneer  to  do  the  rough  work,  and 
woman  makes  the  home.  No  home,  in  the  true  sense,  ever 
exists  unless  by  the  grace  of  woman's  gently  guiding  hand. 
The  home  idea  is  largely  in  the  heart  of  woman  first,  and 
becomes  materialized  as  woman  dictates.  Where  the  wife  is 
at  once  firm  and  gentle,  serene  and  brave,  she  teaches  her 
children  to  be  thoughtful,  considerate,  and  amiable,  and  the 
manners  in  the  home  reach  out  toward  a  fine  and  beautiful 
courtesy.  I  can  think  of  home  after  home  where  the  spirit 
of  the  mother  infuses  itself  throughout  the  entire  circle,  so 
that,  though  the  husband  and  father  may  be  brusque  and  im- 
perious, the  sons  and  daughters  are  modeled  not  after  his 
pattern,  but  after  that  set  by  the  wife  and  mother.  Hers  is 
the  little  leaven,  that,  dropped  in  three  measures  of  meal, 
leavens  the  entire  lump. 

Ruskin  claims  that  with  both  Scott  and  Shakespeare  it  is 
the  woman  who  watches  over,  teaches,  and  guides  the  youth 
who  is  in  love  with  her.  It  is  never  by  any  chance  the  youth 
who  watches  over  or  educates  the  woman.  In  a  very  charming 
review  of  literature  going  back  from  English  to  Greek  authors, 
Ruskin  tells  us  that  everywhere  woman  was  preeminent  in 
influence  and  in  the  molding  of  manners. 

"For  the  chief  ideal  type  of  human  beauty  and  faith,"  the 
Greek  turned  to  the  mother  and  wife.  All  the  great  authors 
of  the  world,  Homer,  Virgil,  Dante,  Chaucer,  Shakespeare, 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  Hawthorne,  Longfellow,  Whittier,  and  a 
multitude  of  lesser  writers,  have  loved  to  depict  not  so  much 


MANNERS  IN  DIFFERENT  PERIODS  OF  HISTORY       347 

men  as  women,  because  women  are  really  the  potential  factors 
in  the  world's  development  rather  than  men. 

Ruskin  says,  still  pursuing  the  same  subject,  "The  perfect 
loveliness  of  a  woman's  countenance  can  only  consist  in  that 
majestic  peace  which  is  founded  in  the  memory  of  happy  and 
useful  years  full  of  sweet  records,  and  from  the  joining  of 
this  with  that  yet  more  majestic  childishness  which  is  still  full 
of  change  and  promise,  open  always,  modest  at  once,  and 
bright  with  the  hope  of  better  things  to  be  won  and  to  be 
bestowed.  There  is  no  old  age  where  there  is  still  that 
promise." 

The  same  author  says,  and  it  cannot  be  too  often  repeated, 
"Do  not  think  you  can  make  a  girl  lovely  if  you  do  not  make 
her  happy,"  and  in  this  connection  I  like  to  recall  Words- 
worth's lines: 

"Three  years  she  grew  in  sun  and  shower, 
Then  nature  said,  'A  lovelier  flower 

On  earth  was  never  sown. 
This  child  I  to  myself  will  take, 
She  shall  be  mine,  and  I  will  make 

A  lady  of  my  own. 

"'Myself  will  to  my  darling  be 
Both  law  and  impulse,  and  with  me 

The  girl  in  rock  and  plain, 
In  earth  and  heaven,  in  glade  and  bower, 
Shall  feel  an  overseeing  Power 

To  kindle  or  restrain.' " 

WOMAN  OR  LADY? 

Shall  we  say  woman,  or  shall  we  say  lady?  In  these  days 
there  has  been  a  revolt  against  the  use  of  the  word  "lady." 
There  is  a  legitimate  place  for  the  word.  Philip  Hamerton 


348  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

defined  a  lady  as  a  woman  in  a  high  state  of  civilization.  The 
word  means  loaf-giver,  and  carries  with  it  the  exquisite  sug- 
gestion of  the  mother  and  the  home-maker,  the  one  who  dis- 
penses bread  and  kisses,  if  you  please,  to  the  children  under 
the  roof.  That  mediaeval  Elizabeth  whose  churlish  husband 
forbade  her  to  give  alms  to  the  poor  was  a  true  lady,  never 
more  so  than  when  she  sallied  forth  with  her  basket  of  loaves 
to  feed  the  hungry.  Tradition  tells  that  her  curmudgeon  of 
a  husband  met  her  on  this  errand  and  harshly  commanded 
her  to  uncover  her  basket,  when,  lo!  instead  of  loaves,  were 
revealed  roses  white  and  red.  It  is  a  pretty  legend  well  be- 
fitting the  story  of  a  lady.  But  when  we  talk  of  salesladies, 
washladies,  and  scrubladies  we  are  misusing  and  prostituting 
a  beautiful  and  decorative  word.  A  lady  does  not  cease  to  be 
a  lady  when  her  hands  are  engaged  with  homely  toil,  but  she 
is  then  more  properly  spoken  of  as  a  woman.  As  the  mother 
of  the  race  she  is  woman.  As  the  dictator  of  manners  in  a 
highly  civilized  period,  she  is  lady. 


XXIX 
JUST  AMONG  OURSELVES 

A  CHAPTER  FOR  NERVOUS  PEOPLE 

THE  relentless  pressure  of  our  times  and  the  continual 
temptation  to  worry  because  we  cannot  keep  the  pace  has 
brought  about  the  prevalence  of  nervous  trouble  and  hysteria 
to  a  lamentable  extent.  Which  of  us  has  not  some  friend 
who  is  broken  down  through  nervous  exhaustion?  Who  has 
not  known  the  day  when  she  had  to  keep  a  firm  grip  of  herself 
lest  she  should  laugh  or  cry  when  she  did  not  wish  to  do 
either?  We  are  hurried  beyond  the  bounds  of  wisdom  and 
common  sense,  and,  more  or  less,  we  are  driven  to  death. 
Hurry  lies  in  wait  for  us  like  a  wild  beast  in  ambush,  and 
pounces  upon  us  before  we  are  dressed  in  the  morning. 
Worry  seizes  us  by  the  teeth  and  shakes  us  over  an  abyss  into 
which  we  are  desperately  sure  we  shall  plunge.  The  result 
is  that  hurry  and  worry  rob  our  manners  of  repose,  and  our 
faces  of  beauty  long  before  we  are  old.  A  gifted  writer  has 
said  that  "a  woman  can  spoil  a  beautiful  face  by  an  unlovely 
expression  of  the  mouth,  and  she  can  make  a  comely  one  ridic- 
ulous by  grotesque  contortions  of  which  she  is  unconscious. 
If  you  doubt  this  just  go  out  on  a  crowded  thoroughfare  in 
a  shopping  district  some  morning  with  the  deliberate  purpose 
to  study  facial  expression.  'Almost  every  other  woman  you 
meet  will  be  an  object  lesson  to  you  of  what  not  to  do. 

"It  really  is  of  vast  importance  that  you  give  serious  atten- 


35°  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

tion  to  the  fact  that  the  mouth  is  in  such  intimate  sympathy 
with  your  every  thought  and  feeling.  That  a  very  large  ma- 
jority of  women  are  unconscious  or  heedless  of  this  fact  is 
evidenced  every  hour  in  the  day;  not  merely  by  the  fleeting 
distortions  in  which  they  indulge,  that  are  like  a  passing  cloud, 
but  by  the  positively  weird  grimaces  which  are  sometimes 
stamped  upon  the  faces  for  many  minutes,  and  which  reveal, 
if  we  follow  Lavater's  method  of  studying  character  by  imi- 
tating the  expression,  a  curious  mixture  of  wayward,  half- 
formed  impulses  and  indefinite  thoughts. 

"Among  these  controlling  nerve-fibers  of  the  face  there  is 
all  the  time  a  sort  of  war  of  conquest  going  on  between  those 
of  the  great  sympathetic  system,  which  register  every  phys- 
ical sensation  and  supply  nutrition  to  the  skin,  and  these  higher 
servants  of  the  brain  which  convey,  and  therefore,  if  we  are 
not  on  our  guard,  betray,  our  thoughts.  Not  only  acts  but 
impulses  and  feelings  which  are  registered  leave  their  marks ; 
but  the  exercise  of  the  will,  controlling  by  thought  our  emo- 
tions, can  efface  the  work  of  the  latter.  There  is  an  intuitive 
association  between  the  muscles  of  expression  and  the  nerve- 
centers  of  thought  and  feeling,  and  it  is  only  by  being  on  our 
guard  that  we  can  control  this  photograph,  as  it  were,  of  our 
most  fleeting  thoughts.  With  our  utmost  care,  at  times  it  is 
impossible. 

"Whenever  the  thoughts  turn  in  their  habitual  direction,  a 
stream  of  nervous  fluid  is  conveyed  to  the  corresponding  mus- 
cles of  expression,  and  even  when  the  face  is  held  in  unusual 
control  they  leave  their  impression,  strengthening  and  deep- 
ening lines,  however  imperceptibly  at  the  moment,  that  grave 
upon  the  face  its  character.  Even  in  dreams  every  faintest 
emotion  chases  its  fellow  over  the  countenance  of  the  uncon- 
scious sleeper,  betraying  joy  or  sorrow. 


JUST  AMONG  OURSELVES  351 

"The  thin  face,  usually  an  accomplishment  of  the  extreme 
nervous  temperament,  exposes  a  very  legible  story  of  the 
prevalent  emotions  and  thoughts.  Strong  people  who  are  wont 
to  exercise  supreme  authority  carry  it  in  the  eye,  and  the 
calm,  self-controlled  mouth  simply  expresses  confidence. 
Always  it  is  to  be  observed  that  success  gives  confidence;  and 
confidence,  ease,  and  freedom  from  tension. 

'The  old  aphorism  concerning  a  guard  upon  the  lips  should 
have  a  double  interpretation;  for  lax  and  flabby  ones  tell  a 
silent  tale  that  he  who  runs  may  read  of  yielding  to  physical 
impulses  and  temptations.  It  is  not  alone  the  spoken  word 
but  the  visible  thought  over  whose  control  we  must  learn 
discretion. 

"When  you  have  cultivated  a  critical  faculty  by  observing 
the  curious  and  absurd  tricks  and  mannerisms  by  which 
women  make  attractive  faces  ugly  and  mediocre  ones  repul- 
sive, study  the  methods  by  which  plain  ones  are  illuminated. 
Habitual  pouting  enlarges  and  coarsens  the  under  lip,  as  does 
also  the  thrusting  it  forward  with  the  chin  when  nourishing 
a  sense  of  fancied  injury.  Twisting  the  mouth  is  one  of  the 
most  common  tricks;  sometimes  it  is  a  scornful  upward  curl 
of  one  corner  involving  the  nose ;  again  it  is  a  pursing  of  the 
lips  as  if  to  whistle;  and  sometimes  it  is  a  grinding  of  the 
jaws  that  screws  all  one  side  of  the  face  out  of  shape. 
Thrusting  the  tongue  about  in  unnatural  postures  is  another 
common  habit.  It  is  quite  bad  enough  when  rolled  around 
in  the  cheek,  but  when  stuck  out  between  the  lips  it  will  make 
an  intelligent  face  appear  idiotic. 

"If  you  have  never  noticed  these  tricks  of  facial  contortion, 
you  will  be  amazed  by  their  variety  and  the  frequency  of  the 
deplorable  habit;  and  they  are  actually  contagious,  both  from 
conscious  and  unconscious  imitation.  Whatever  is  before  us 


352  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

all  the  time  inevitably  leaves  its  impress  upon  our  minds,  and, 
according  to  the  intensity  of  this,  is  reflected  in  our  faces. 
Recognizing  this  law,  we  must  guard  against  dwelling  upon 
any  such  blemish  which  may  confront  us  daily. 

"The  influence  of  every  bad  habit  is  inevitably  to  chisel 
deep  lines  in  conformity  to  the  expression,  howsoever  deform- 
ing it  may  be.  And,  moreover,  there  is  no  period  in  life  when 
these  subtle  and  silent  agents,  the  muscles  and  their  con- 
trolling nerves,  are  not  at  work  making  or  marring  the  beauty 
of  the  face ;  their  model  always  being  that  which  is  held  before 
the  mind's  eye.  Thus,  the  standards  of  comparison  in  models 
of  Greek  art  and  other  masterpieces,  ever  present  to  the  mind 
of  the  artist,  leave  their  ennobling  impress  upon  the  lines  of 
his  features."  Think  noble  thoughts  if  you  would  have 
nobility  of  feature. 

EARLY  RISING 

I  have  long  been  convinced  that  most  American  women  go 
to  bed  too  late  and  rise  too  early.  The  fetich  of  early  rising 
is  worshiped  thoughtlessly  by  thousands.  Why  is  there  any 
special  merit  in  rising  early  unless  one's  work  makes  it  neces- 
sary? Thousands  and  ten  thousands  are  compelled  by  the  ex- 
acting demands  of  strenuous  labor  to  rise  with  the  dawn  or  be- 
fore it.  When  duty  calls,  this  is  right,  but  there  is  no  merit  in 
getting  up  early  simply  for  the  sake  of  doing  so,  nor  should  the 
one  early  riser  in  the  house  compel  everyone  else  to  bow  to  her 
will.  Breakfast  in  bed  is  a  luxury  which  should  be  committed 
to  old  people,  invalids,  and  all  who  find  that  they  can  better 
undertake  the  day's  work  if  breakfast  comes  first.  When  a 
woman  finds  herself  becoming  irritable,  fretful,  and  peevish, 
although  her  average  of  health  has  not  been  apparently  im- 
paired, she  may  be  sure  that  nature  is  bidding  her  call  a  halt. 
It  is  time  to  go  more  slowly.  Probably  she  is  not  getting  all 


JUST  AMONG  OURSELVES  353 

the  sleep  she  needs.  Beauty  sleep  comes  before  midnight. 
Those  who  habitually  burn  the  midnight  oil  need  not  expect 
to  retain  good  looks  and  nerves  in  equipoise  until  their  latest 
day.  Yet  health  is  every  woman's  birthright.  Not  one  of  us 
has  a  right  to  go  about  the  world  in  suffering  and  nervous 
distress  if  we  can  help  it  and  if  we  do  we  may  be  sure  that 
somewhere  there  has  been  mistake  or  sin.  To  control  the  ex- 
pression of  nervous  irritability  is  within  the  power  of  every 
woman.  When  annoyed  we  may  keep  perfectly  quiet;  when 
we  find  our  voices  becoming  loud,  and  our  tones  overemphatic, 
we  may  as  well  stop  and  think.  The  habit  of  talking  in  italics 
is  a  vicious  one  in  which  no  sensible  woman  should  indulge. 

In  order  to  facilitate  ease  of  mind  too  much  should  not  be 
left  to  memory.  Nervous  people,  and  particularly  nervous 
women,  should  save  themselves  every  particle  of  unnecessary 
trouble  and  strain.  Do  not  try,  for  instance,  to  remember  all 
that  you  have  to  do  during  the  week.  Enter  on  the  daily  cal- 
endar the  engagements  for  each  day,  and  when  the  day  comes 
look  at  the  record  and  check  off  whatever  you  find  you  cannot 
undertake.  In  shopping,  provide  yourself  with  full  memo- 
randa of  what  you  want,  and  the  order  in  which  you  intend  to 
make  purchases.  Classified  lists  will  very  greatly  assist 
memory.  An  address  book  is  a  convenience  to  the  woman  who 
has  either  a  large  correspondence  or  a  number  of  friends  who 
reside  in  different  places  or  are  scattered  about  in  different 
localities  of  the  city  or  suburbs.  The  address  book  should  be 
carefully  revised  from  year  to  year,  because  Americans  are 
nomadic  and  do  not  reside  for  long  periods  in  the  same  place. 

Another  great  beautifier  which  is  also  a  great  help  to  good 
temper,  and  consequently  to  good  manners,  is  a  habit  of  taking 
daily  exercise  in  the  fresh  air.  Women  often  fancy  that  be- 
cause they  are  a  great  deal  on  their  feet,  going  up  and  down 


354  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL,  OCCASIONS 

stairs,  making  beds,  and  doing  housework,  they  'do  not  need 
other  exercise.  Never  is  there  a  greater  mistake  than  to  sup- 
pose that  any  indoor  exercise  at  all  equals  what  we  get  by 
walking,  playing  games,  bicycling,  or  engaging  in  anything 
that  keeps  a  person  out  of  doors  for  several  consecutive  hours. 
My  old  Welsh  friend,  long  since  gone  to  the  beautiful  land 
out  of  our  sight,  lived  to  a  good  old  age,  retaining  every  per- 
sonal charm  and  never  yielding  an  inch  to  the  modern  dis- 
tress of  agitated  nerves.  She  was  never  ruffled ;  she  never  lost 
her  equanimity,  but  to  the  scandal  of  her  neighbors  she  often 
left  beds  unmade  all  day  long,  with  the  wind  blowing  through 
the  house  from  open  and  opposite  windows,  and  at  any  mo- 
ment she  would  drop  whatever  work  of  sewing  or  housewif- 
ery presented  itself,  that  she  might,  as  she  said,  enjoy  a  beau- 
tiful day.  We  all  enjoy  far  too  little  the  wonderful  picturesque 
beauty  of  the  sky,  the  glory  of  the  clouds,  the  blossoms  in  the 
spring,  and  the  brilliant  coloring  of  the  forests  in  the  fall. 
We  have  an  idea  that  we  are 

WASTING  TIME 

if  we  spend  it  in  any  way  that  has  not  something  to  do  directly 
with  utility.  The  best  use  to  which  we  can  put  time,  in  the 
interest  of  ourselves  and  our  dear  ones,  is  to  maintain  a  high 
rate  of  health  and  a  high  rate  of  spirits.  Sometimes  nervous 
trouble  comes  from  the  eyes,  which  need  glasses  to  rest  them. 
Quite  often  a  woman  who  has  been  a  martyr  to  headache  and 
depression  is  entirely  relieved  by  following  the  advice  of  a 
good  oculist.  Rudeness  and  the  blues  are  closely  allied,  and 
are  often  caused  by  some  physical  malady  which  is  not  incur- 
able, and  which  might  easily  be  sent  to  the  four  winds. 

Dr.  Emma  E.  Walker,  in  a  recent  book,  says:  "Cheerful- 
ness is  a  good  habit  just  as  worry  is  a  bad  habit.    If  you  don't 


JUST  AMONG  OURSELVES  355 

feel  cheerful,  stand  in  front  of  your  mirror  and  look  so.  Smile 
and  your  mood  will  change.  Frowning  uses  up  valuable 
energy.  When  you  get  well  you  can  laugh  at  an  unpleasant 
experience;  the  sting  has  gone  from  it." 

The  same  good  authority  says :  "Worry  is  a  vice.  You  can 
overcome  it  if  you  will.  Things  that  trouble  you  at  night 
will  not  trouble  you  after  eight  hours  of  refreshing  sleep. 
Distract  your  attention  from  unpleasant  thoughts.  Walk  in 
the  sunshine,  and  its  light  will  be  reflected  in  your  face." 


XXX 

TRICKS  AND  GESTURES 

FOLLOWING  what  has  already  been  said  with  regard  to  re- 
pose, and  control  of  muscles  and  nerves,  it  is  interesting  to 
reflect  that  any  one  of  us  may  be  graceful  and  beautiful,  may 
be  fascinating  and  captivating,  if  only  we  are  contented  to 
be  natural  and  sincere.  Some  people  are  always  posing  for 
effect.  I  have  seen  a  child  pose  and  attitudinize  when  in  the 
company  of  older  people,  simply  because  the  child  had  been 
too  much  noticed  and  too  much  praised.  The  little  creature 
has  not  seemed  comfortable  until  some  one  observed  how  pretty 
she  was.  Indeed,  I  one  day  heard  a  little  maid  of  six  say, 
after  a  half  hour  in  which  her  elders  had  not  noticed  her, 
"When  are  you  going  to  begin  to  talk  about  me?"  This  sort 
of  thing  is  seen  in  others  than  children.  "There  is  the  delicate 
young  lady  with  the  languid  air  and  the  listless  step  and  the 
die-away  posture ;  the  literary  young  lady,  with  the  studiously 
neglected  toilette,  the  carefully  exposed  breadth  of  forehead, 
and  the  ever-present  but  seldom-read  book;  the  abstemious 
young  lady,  who  surreptitiously  feeds  on  chops  at  private 
lunch,  and  starves  on  a  pea  at  the  public  dinner;  the  humane 
young  lady,  who  pulls  Tom's  ears  and  otherwise  tortures 
brother  and  sister  in  the  nursery,  and  does  her  utmost  to  fall 
into  convulsions  before  company  at  the  sight  of  a  dead  fly; 
and  the  fastidious  young  lady,  who  faints,  should  there  be  an 
audience  to  behold  the  scene,  at  the  sight  of  roast  goose,  but 
whose  robust  appetite  vindicates  itself  by  devouring  all  that 


TRICKS  AND  GESTURES  357 

is  left  of  the  unclean  animal  when  a  private  opportunity  will 
allow.  We  assure  our  young  damsels  that  such  affectations 
are  not  only  absurd,  for  they  are  perfectly  transparent,  but  ill 
bred,  as  shams  of  all  kinds  essentially  are. 

The  management  of  the  hands  in  company  seems  to  em- 
barrass young  people  greatly.  This  comes  from  the  false 
modesty,  or  manvaise  honte,  which  induces  them  to  suppose 
they  are  the  observed  of  all  observers.  Let  them  think  only 
of  themselves  in  due  proportion  of  estimate  with  the  vast  mul- 
titude of  mankind,  and  frequent  habitually  the  company  of  the 
refined,  and  they  will  probably  overcome  much  of  their  awk- 
wardness, if  they  do  not  acquire  a  large  degree  of  grace. 

We  should  be  particular  to  avoid  the  habit  of  fumbling  with 
anything.  There  are  people  who  must  always  have  something 
to  hold.  I  have  known  very  distinguished  men  who  seemed 
nervous  unless  they  could  have  a  book  or  a  pencil  or  a  piece 
of  paper  to  hold  when  conversing.  One  very  prominent  man, 
widely  known  and  much  respected,  can  never  sit  still.  In 
church  he  is  a  study  in  perpetual  motion ;  beginning  by  sitting 
up  straight  in  the  pew,  he  ends  by  sinking  into  a  heap  before 
the  sermon  is  over ;  and  in  a  lady's  drawing  room  he  so  fidgets 
and  fusses  and  moves  about  that  he  not  only  disturbs  his 
hostess,  but  often  breaks  a  fragile  chair.  "Do,  for  pity's  sake," 

I  heard  a  lady  say  to  her  daughter,  "manage  to  give  Dr. 

a  substantial  chair  whenever  he  calls  here !" 

HANDSHAKING 

When  Frances  Folsom  Cleveland  was  the  first  lady  of  the 
land,  and  the  pride  of  the  American  public,  she  shook  hands 
with  so  many  admirers  at  White  House  receptions  that  it 
was  stated  she  was  obliged  to  wear  a  larger  glove  than  before 
her  marriage.  'Anyone  who  has  gone  through  the  ceremony 


358  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

of  shaking  hands  with  several  hundred  people  at  a  public 
function  knows  that  there  are  many  varieties  of  the  hand- 
shake. There  is  the  limp,  flabby  hand  which  has  no  grip; 
there  is  the  hand  which  seizes  yours  in  a  viselike  grasp  and 
crushes  it  until  bones  and  ligaments  ache ;  there  is  the  cordial 
hand  which  carries  the  heart  with  it.  From  time  to  time 
there  is  a  caprice  in  handshaking.  A  year  or  two  ago  young 
women  affected  an  upward  lift  of  the  arm  and  a  jaunty  shake 
of  the  hand  which  were  rather  embarrassing  to  old-fashioned 
ladies  who  had  never  learned  to  lift  the  hand  when  offering 
it  to  a  friend.  At  present  many  girls  not  only  use  this  peculiar 
form  of  salutation  in  shaking  hands,  but  have  a  way  of  saying 
"How  do  do?"  with  a  tripping  rising  inflection  and  an  air 
of  indifference  which,  if  they  knew  it,  is  really  funny.  A  great 
deal  of  tact  is  required  in  adapting  any  salutation  to  the 
occasion. 

"In  private  life  in  this  country  the  hand  is  not  always  given 
except  to  intimate  friends  and  relatives.  Many  people  content 
themselves  with  a  bow,  or  even  a  nod  on  meeting.  But  an 
extended  hand  is  the  more  cordial  manner  of  salutation.  Or- 
dinarily it  should  be  left  to  the  older  or  more  distinguished 
to  make  the  proffer  of  the  hand.  Men  and  women  in  this 
country,  as  in  France,  seldom  extend  to  each  other  the  hand 
unless  there  is  a  great  difference  of  age  and  position,  or  much 
intimacy  of  relation.  Whenever  the  hand  is  given  it  is  not 
necessary  to  draw  off  the  glove,  as  some  attempt  to  do,  with 
a  great  deal  of  fuss  and  consequent  embarrassment." 

In  England  it  is  usual  to  shake  hands  when  introduced. 

Speaking  of  handshaking,  a  woman  should,  if  possible,  have 
a  beautiful  hand,  but  she  should  not  care  so  much  about  beauty 
that  she  should  hesitate  to  put  the  hand  to  any  legitimate  use. 

"Such  is  its  flexibility  and  adaptiveness  that  it  turns  in  a 


TRICKS  AND  GESTURES  353 

moment  from  a  blow  to  a  caress,  and  can  wield  a  club  or  thread 
a  needle  with  equal  facility. 

"The  hand  cannot  only  perform  faithfully  its  own  duties, 
but,  when  necessary,  will  act  for  other  parts  of  the  human 
frame.  It  reads  for  the  blind,  and  talks  for  the  deaf  and  dumb. 
Machinery  itself  is  but  an  imitation  of  the  human  hand  on  an 
enlarged  scale;  and  all  the  marvelous  performances  of  the 
former  are  justly  due  to  the  latter.  It  thus  not  only  thor- 
oughly performs  its  natural  task,  but,  having  the  rare  quality 
of  extending  its  powers,  enlarges  its  scope  of  work  almost 
indefinitely.  With  the  steam  engine,  made  and  worked  by 
itself,  the  human  hand  executes  wonders  of  skill  and  force; 
and  with  the  electric  telegraph  it,  by  the  gentlest  touch, 
awakens  in  an  instant  the  sentiment  of  the  whole  world  and 
makes  it  kin. 

"'For  the  queen's  hand/  says  an  elegant  writer,  'there  is 
the  scepter,  and  for  the  soldier's  hand  the  sword ;  for  the  car- 
penter's hand  the  saw,  and  for  the  smith's  hand  the  hammer; 
for  the  farmer's  hand  they  plow;  for  the  miner's  hand  the 
spade ;  for  the  sailor's  hand  the  oar ;  for  the  painter's  hand  the 
brush;  for  the  sculptor's  hand  the  chisel;  for  the  poet's  hand 
the  pen;  and  for  the  woman's  hand  the  needle.  If  none  of 
these  or  the  like  will  fit  us,  the  felon's  chain  should  be  round 
our  wrist,  and  our  hand  on  the  prisoner's  crank.' " 


XXXI 
MANNERS  IN  A  COUNTRY  HOME 

WHEN  spending  a  week's  end  in  the  country  be  ready  to 
enjoy  whatever  is  provided  for  you.  It  is  the  privilege  of  the 
country  housekeeper  to  provide  the  city  guests  with  a  pleasant 
sleeping  apartment.  The  polite  guest  comes  down  at  the 
family  breakfast  hour  unless,  says  Mrs.  Florence  Howe  Hall, 
"he  or  she  chances  to  be  in  luxurious  houses  where  breakfast 
is  a  movable  feast,  and  everyone  can  have  a  cup  of  tea  and  a 
roll  in  his  own  room  if  he  prefers  to  do  so. 

"As  it  is  now  fashionable  to  begin  breakfast  with  a  course 
of  fruit,  the  country  hostess  should  surely  follow  this  whole- 
some custom,  placing  before  her  guests  melons,  peaches,  or 
whatever  fruit  is  in  season.  For  the  rest  she  should  remem- 
ber that  people's  appetites  are  sharpened  by  the  fresh  air  of 
the  country,  and  that  the  dishes  provided  should  therefore  be 
rather  more  substantial  in  character  than  those  that  are  pre- 
scribed for  a  city  table  by  the  present  fashion. 

"Still,  it  must  be  admitted  that  here  'doctors  disagree.* 
At  the  country  seats  of  some  rich  families,  whose  eyes  are 
ever  turned  city-ward  in  admiration  and  longing,  you  will 
find  the  menu  at  every  meal  exactly  what  it  would  be  in  the 
most  fashionable  city  dwelling,  and  you  will  be  shown  an 
unlimited  amount  of  china  and  offered  genteel  fragments  of 
food  during  an  hour  or  two,  three  times  a  day. 

"Almost  every  one  prefers  to  dine  early  in  the  country  in 
summer,  for  a  late  dinner  is  sure  to  interfere  with  the  pleasures 


MANNERS  IN  A  COUNTRY  HOME  361 

of  the  afternoon — riding,  driving,  etc. — unless  the  hour  is  set 
extremely  late,  at  eight  or  nine  o'clock.  Tea,  therefore,  be- 
comes a  very  important  meal  in  out-of-town  households ;  that 
is,  'high'  or  'stout'  tea.  It  is  a  pity  that  this  cheerful  meal 
has  almost  disappeared  from  city  life,  driven  out  both  by 
fashion  and  necessity,  since  business  men  in  our  large  cities 
can  no  longer  come  home  to  two  o'clock  dinner  as  they  did 
five-and-twenty  years  ago. 

"For  'high  tea'  a  white  tablecloth  should  be  used.  The  tea 
and  coffee  equipages  stand  before  the  mistress  of  the  house, 
or  sometimes  are  placed  one  at  each  end  of  the  table.  It  cer- 
tainly looks  more  cheerful  to  have  tea  made  on  the  table;  the 
simmering  of  the  tea  urn,  the  actual  presence  of  the  fire — 
even  of  an  alcohol  lamp — give  to  the  occasion  a  homelike 
air  which  otherwise  would  be  wanting.  Tea  also  tastes  better 
when  made  in  this  way;  but  the  process  entails  additional 
trouble  upon  the  hostess,  who  already  has  no  light  task  to 
perform.  To  be  able  to  talk  to  guests  and  pour  out  tea  and 
coffee — perhaps  to  flavor  them  as  well — all  at  the  same  time, 
demands  great  nimbleness  of  wits.  Most  hostesses  are  sin- 
cerely thankful  to  those  guests  who  are  so  considerate  as  'not 
to  speak  to  the  woman  at  the  wheel'  until  she  has  finished  the 
dread  libation. 

"The  table  should  be  ornamented  with  fruits  and  flowers, 
but  not  in  the  formal  fashion  of  a  dinner  party.  Preserves, 
honey,  etc.,  in  dishes  of  cut  glass  or  handsome  china  may  stand 
about  the  table,  and  also  plenty  of  fruit,  in  the  season.  Hot 
biscuits,  muffins,  crumpets,  waffles,  etc.,  are  in  their  greatest 
glory  at  the  hour  of  tea,  and  should  succeed  one  another  in 
relays,  so  that  they  may  be  always  'piping  hot/  Confectioners* 
cake  or  nice  homemade  cake  may  also  stand  upon  the  table. 
The  more  solid  dishes — cold  ham,  escaloped  oysters,  chickens 


362  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

(cold  fricasseed,  or  fried),  molded  tongue,  omelet,  salads,  and 
cold  meats  of  various  kinds — may  either  be  helped  by  the  serv- 
ants from  the  sideboard  or  placed  on  the  table  and  served  by 
the  master  of  the  house,  assisted  by  other  members  of  the 
family ;  the  hostess,  during  the  earlier  part  of  the  meal  at  least, 
will  have  her  hands  too  full  with  pouring  out  tea  and  coffee  to 
do  much  else. 

"Vegetable  salads  of  various  kinds  are  always  welcomed  on 
the  tea  table,  and  are  preferred  by  many  housekeepers  because 
they  can  be  prepared  beforehand.  But  there  must  be  some  hot 
dishes  on  the  tea  table,  otherwise  the  feast  will  be  an  imperfect 
one.  It  suffices,  however,  to  have  hot  bread  or  cakes  of  some 
sort,  and  to  have  the  meats,  etc.,  cold,  where  this  arrangement 
is  the  most  convenient  one/' 

A  guest  at  a  country  house  should  remember  that  while  fruit 
and  vegetables  may  abound,  and  poultry,  eggs,  and  milk  be 
plentiful,  yet  the  housekeeper  is  dependent  on  the  butcher  who 
drives  an  itinerant  cart,  and  that  his  meat  is  not  quite  up  to 
that  of  the  city  market.  To  draw  comparisons  or  comment 
unfavorably  would  be  the  height  of  ill  manners  here.  Most 
unwelcome  are  those  guests  whose  digestion  or  fastidious  ap- 
petites allow  them  to  eat  only  a  restricted  number  of  things, 
and  who  are  always  turning  away  from  the  food  that  is  set 
before  them.  People  who  are  on  a  diet  should  certainly  re- 
main at  home.  It  is  the  height  of  ill  breeding  to  explain  that 
one  cannot  eat  this  or  the  other  thing.  It  is  one's  bounden 
duty  to  eat  anything  that  is  provided  when  one  is  away  from 
home.  The  country  hostess  should  make  her  table  beautiful 
and  fragrant  with  flowers,  either  those  from  the  garden  or  the 
beautiful  blossoms  that  grow  in  the  fields  for  every  hand  to 
pick. 

Mrs.  Hall  has  tersely  said :  "People  who  live  in  the  country 


MANNERS  IN  A  COUNTRY  HOME  363 

often  make  the  mistake  of  endeavoring  to  entertain  their 
guests  in  city  fashion.  They  think  that  nothing  else  will  suit 
their  town-bred  friends ;  or  perhaps  they  themselves  have  an 
overweening  admiration  for  city  life  and  all  that  pertains  to 
it.  Hence  country  cousins  indulge  in  an  imitation  which  is 
of  course  the  sincerest  flattery,  but  is  nevertheless  apt  to  be 
disastrous. 

"We  go  to  the  country  because  we  are  tired  of  the  town ; 
and  we  hope  to  find  there,  not  a  second  or  third-rate  repro- 
duction of  ways  of  life  with  which  we  are  wearily  familiar, 
but  something  new  and  different — change,  rest,  and  quiet,  re- 
freshing communion  with  nature,  and  a  mode  of  life  less  arti- 
ficial than  a  city  existence  must  of  necessity  be.  We  wish,  of 
course,  to  find  refinement  of  life  and  manners  wherever  we  go, 
but  in  the  country  the  heart  of  man  longs  for  simplicity ;  alas ! 
the  longing  is  usually  a  vain  one.  Few  dwellers  in  the  country 
have  the  common  sense  of  Shakespeare's  shepherd,  who  says : 
'Those  that  are  good  manners  at  the  court  are  as  ridiculous 
in  the  country  as  the  behavior  of  the  country  is  most  markable 
at  the  court.' " 


XXXII 
OTHER  CIVILIZATIONS 

WE  are  so  in  the  habit  of  thinking  that  our  own  is  the  only 
civilization  that  we  sometimes  rather  foolishly  speak  of  other 
nations  as  barbarous  when  they  really  are  highly  civilized. 
To-day  all  eyes  are  turning  toward  Japan,  and  I  suppose  none 
can  deny  that  in  the  great  war  with  Russia  the  Japanese  have 
shown  wonderful  courage,  heroism,  and  love  of  country. 
With  a  celerity  that  is  rivaled  only  by  the  swift  progress  of 
modern  inventions  and  applied  science,  the  Japanese  have 
taken  strides  which  have  set  them  on  the  front  of  the  stage, 
and  have  focused  all  eyes  upon  them. 

A  new  day  will  probably  soon  dawn  for  Japan,  and  the 
womanhood  of  Japan  will  rise  to  an  exalted  plane  hitherto 
unknown.  Under  the  old  regime  women  had  a  code  of  their 
own,  altogether  opposite  from  that  which  obtains,  at  least 
among  married  women,  in  America.  The  whole  Oriental  ideal 
of  woman's  etiquette  is  in  contrast  with  the  Occidental. 

Quoting  from  the  great  moralist  Kaibara,  we  find  that  from 
her  earliest  youth  a  girl  should  observe  the  line  of  demarca- 
tion separating  women  from  men.  A  woman  going  abroad 
at  night  must  in  all  cases  carry  a  lighted  lamp,  and,  not  to 
speak  of  strangers,  she  must  observe  a  certain  distance  in  her 
relations  even  with  her  husband  and  her  brethren.  A  woman 
must  form  no  friendship  and  no  intimacy  except  when  ordered 
to  do  so  by  her  parents.  It  is  the  chief  duty  of  a  girl  living 
in  the  parental  house  to  practice  filial  piety  toward  her  father 


OTHER  CIVILIZATIONS  365 

and  mother.  But  after  marriage  her  chief  duty  is  to  honor 
her  father-in-law,  and  her  mother-in-law,  to  honor  them  be- 
yond her  own  father  and  mother,  to  love  and  reverence  them 
with  all  ardor,  and  to  tend  them  with  all  practice  of  filial 
piety. 

This  is  wholly  opposed  to  the  American  ideal,  which  does 
not  make  it  obligatory  on  us  to  care  a  great  deal  about  rela- 
tions-in-law. 

"While  thou  honorest  thine  own  parents  think  not  lightly 
of  thy  father-in-law."  Never  should  a  woman  fail,  night  and 
morning,  to  pay  her  respects  to  her  father-in-law  and  her 
mother-in-law.  Never  should  she  be  remiss  in  performing  any 
task  they  may  require  of  her. 

The  great  life-long  duty  of  a  woman  is  obedience.  In  her 
dealings  with  her  husband,  both  the  expression  of  her  counte- 
nance and  the  style  of  her  address  should  be  courteous,  hum- 
ble, conciliatory,  never  rude  and  arrogant;  that  should  be  a 
woman's  first  and  chiefest  care.  When  the  husband  issues  his 
instructions  the  wife  must  never  disobey  them.  In  doubtful 
cases  she  should  inquire  of  her  husband,  and  obediently  follow 
his  commands.  If  ever  her  husband  should  inquire  of  her, 
she  should  answer  to  the  point.  To  answer  in  a  careless  fash- 
ion were  a  mark  of  rudeness.  A  woman  should  look  on  her 
husband  as  if  he  were  heaven  itself. 

Although  woman  seems  thus  to  be  kept  in  a  position  of 
studied  obscurity  in  Japan,  yet  she  does  not  seem  unhappy, 
and  certainly  childhood  in  Japan  is  a  happy  time.  The  father 
or  mother  who  would  strike  a  child  would  be  regarded  in  the 
Sunrise  Kingdom  as  a  monster  of  cruelty.  In  Japanese  houses 
there  is  little  furniture,  and  children  are  not  continually  cau- 
tioned against  breaking  and  injuring  beautiful  things  that 
their  parents  cherish.  They  have  plenty  of  time  to  play,  and 


366  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

though  the  boys  are  more  prized  than  the  girls,  yet  the  little 
girls  seem  to  be  loved  by  their  fathers  and  mothers. 

That  which  is  said  of  womanhood  in  Japan  may  with  some 
variations  be  repeated  so  far  as  the  womanhood  in  other 
countries  is  concerned.  In  China,  Korea,  and  India  man  has 
the  upper  hand.  Men  have  the  most  beautiful  portions  of 
the  home.  A  woman  has  no  freedom  to  go  about,  receive  her 
friends,  occupy  her  mind,  or  engage  in  any  of  the  occupa- 
tions which  occupy  and  delight  us  in  our  own  happy  land. 

Mrs.  Alice  Hamilton  Rich,  who  has  spent  some  years  in 
China,  tells  us  that  a  small  boy  often  rules  the  household, 
and  the  mother  is  usually  his  slave.  Two  women  were  heard 
conversing,  one  the  mother  of  five  sons.  One  said  to  the 
other,  "I  am  going  to  get  my  daughter-in-law  into  the  house. 
You  see,  a  daughter-in-law  is  no  more  expense  than  a  servant. 
If  I  beat  a  servant  she  leaves,  but  you  can  beat  a  daughter- 
in-law  and  get  obedience,  and  your  work  will  be  done  as  you 
wish  it." 

All  through  the  Orient  the  old  woman  is  supreme.  A 
woman  ages  much  earlier  in  the  East  than  in  the  West,  but 
also  she  enjoys  in  her  maturity  privileges  and  pleasures  which 
were  not  hers  in  youth,  and  she  is  able  to  arbitrate  between 
her  several  daughters-in-law,  and  to  rule  the  house  with  a 
scepter  from  which  there  is  no  appeal. 

One  sees  continually  in  Eastern  lands  how  true  to  life  are 
the  descriptions  we  find  in  the  Bible.  The  patriarchal  mode 
still  obtains  in  Eastern  family  life,  as  it  did  in  the  days  of 
Abraham.  The  story  of  Ruth  and  Naomi,  that  beautiful 
poetic  idyl  of  which  we  never  tire,  illustrates  the  devotion  of 
the  daughter-in-law  to  the  mother-in-law.  It  was  not  to  her 
own  mother,  but  to  the  mother  of  her  husband,  that  Ruth  said, 
"Entreat  me  not  to  leave  thee,  or  to  return  from  following 


OTHER  CIVILIZATIONS  367 

after  thee :  for  whither  thou  goest  I  will  go ;  and  whither  thou 
lodgest,  I  will  lodge:  thy  people  shall  be  my  people,  and  thy 
God  my  God:  where  thou  diest,  will  I  die,  and  there  will  I 
be  buried :  the  Lord  do  so  to  me,  and  more  also,  if  aught  but 
death  part  thee  and  me." 

A  glance  at  other  civilizations,  in  times  remote  or  near  at 
hand,  makes  us  more  contented  and  more  grateful  than  words 
can  express  that  our  lot  has  been  cast  in  the  twentieth  century 
on  American  soil. 


XXXIII 
THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME 

How  much  depends  on  the  good  management  of  the  house- 
mother! "Every  mistress  of  a  house  is  a  minor  sovereign 
upon  whose  bounty  the  comfort,  happiness,  and  refinement  of 
her  little  court  depends.  In  a  well-ordered  house  the  machin- 
ery is  always  in  order  and  always  out  of  sight.  No  well-bred 
woman  talks  about  her  servants,  her  dinner  arrangements,  or 
the  affairs  of  her  nursery.  The  unexpected  guest  finds  an 
orderly  table  and  an  unembarrassed  welcome.  Under  the  good 
management  of  a  good  home-maker,  the  Golden  Rule,  'Do 
unto  others  as  you  would  that  others  should  do  unto  you,'  is 
always  operative. 

"Etiquette  may  be  defined  as  the  minor  morality  of  life. 
No  observances,  however  minute,  that  tend  to  spare  the  feel- 
ings of  others,  can  be  classed  under  the  head  of  trivialities; 
and  politeness,  which  is  but  another  name  for  general  amia- 
bility, will  oil  the  creaking  wheels  of  life  more  effectually  than 
any  of  those  unguents  supplied  by  mere  wealth  or  station." 

To  be  truly  polite,  one  must  be  at  once  good,  just,  and  gen- 
erous, has  been  well  said  by  a  modern  French  writer. 

"True  politeness  is  the  outward  visible  sign  of  those  inward 
spiritual  graces  called  modesty,  unselfishness,  generosity.  The 
manners  of  a  gentleman  are  the  index  of  his  soul.  His  speech 
is  innocent,  because  his  life  is  pure;  his  thoughts  are  direct, 
because  his  actions  are  upright ;  his  bearing  is  gentle,  because 
his  blood,  and  his  impulses,  and  his  training  are  gentle  also. 


THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME  369 

A  true  gentleman  is  entirely  free  from  every  kind  of  pretense. 
He  avoids  homage,  instead  of  exacting  it.  Mere  ceremonies 
have  no  attraction  for  him.  He  seeks  not  only  to  say  civil 
things,  but  to  do  them.  His  hospitality,  though  hearty  and 
sincere,  will  be  strictly  regulated  by  his  means.  His  friends 
will  be  chosen  for  their  good  qualities  and  their  good  manners ; 
his  servants,  for  their  thoughtfulness  and  honesty;  his  occu- 
pations, for  their  usefulness,  or  their  gracefulness,  or  their 
elevating  tendencies,  whether  moral,  or  mental,  or  political. 
And  so  we  come  round  again  to  our  first  maxims,  that  is,  that 
'good  manners  are  the  kindly  fruit  of  a  refined  nature.' 

"And  if  this  be  true  of  mankind,  how  still  more  true  is  it 
of  womankind!  Granted  that  truthfulness,  gracefulness,  con- 
siderateness,  unselfishness,  are  essential  to  the  breeding  of  a 
true  gentleman,  how  infinitely  essential  must  they  be  to  the 
breeding  of  a  true  lady !  That  her  tact  should  be  even  readier, 
her  sympathies  even  tenderer,  her  instinct  even  finer  than  those 
of  the  man,  seems  only  fit  and  natural.  In  her  politeness, 
prevoyance,  and  all  the  minor  observances  of  etiquette  are  ab- 
solutely indispensable.  She  must  be  even  more  upon  her 
guard  than  a  man  in  all  those  niceties  of  speech,  look,  and  man- 
ner which  are  the  especial  and  indispensable  credentials  of 
good  breeding.  Every  little  drawing-room  ceremonial,  all 
the  laws  of  society,  the  whole  etiquette  of  hospitality  must  be 
familiar  to  her.  And  even  in  these  points,  artificial  though 
they  be,  her  best  guide,  after  all,  is  that  kindness  of  heart 
which  gives  honor  where  honor  is  due,  and  which  is  ever 
anxious  to  spare  the  feelings  and  prejudices  of  others. 

THE  TREATMENT  OF  SERVANTS 

Lord  Chesterfield  said,  speaking  of  behavior  to  those  in  an 
inferior  position: 


370  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

"I  am  more  upon  my  guard  as  to  my  behavior  to  my  serv- 
ants and  to  others  who  are  called  my  inferiors  than  I  am 
toward  my  equals,  for  fear  of  being  suspected  of  that  mean 
and  ungenerous  sentiment  of  desiring  to  make  others  feel 
that  difference  which  fortune  has,  and  perhaps  too  undeserv- 
edly, made  between  us." 

Conduct  toward  servants  should  be  always  equal,  never 
violent,  never  familiar.  Speak  to  them  always  with  civility, 
but  keep  them  in  their  proper  places. 

Give  no  occasion  for  them  to  complain  of  you;  but  never 
suffer  yourself  to  complain  of  them  without  at  first  ascertain- 
ing that  your  complaint  is  just,  seeing  that  it  has  attention, 
and  that  the  fault  complained  of  is  remedied. 

If  staying  at  a  friend's  house  you  may  assume,  to  a  certain 
extent,  that  your  friend's  servants  are  your  servants.  But 
this  must  be  only  so  far  as  you  are  yourself  concerned.  You 
must  not,  on  any  account,  give  directions  respecting  the  gen- 
eral conduct  of  the  menage.  For  all  your  own  personal  wants, 
however,  you  are  free  to  command  their  services.  Ask  for 
anything,  under  their  control,  that  may  be  lacking  in  your 
own  room;  for  whatever  you  need  at  meal  times;  let  them 
call  you  in  the  morning  if  you  sleep  soundly;  do  not  send 
them  on  errands,  however,  without  first  ascertaining  that  it 
will  not  interfere  with  their  regular  routine  of  household  duty ; 
but  do  anything  and  everything  required  for  your  own  per- 
sonal convenience  and  comfort  through  the  servants.  It  is 
contrary  to  all  laws  of  etiquette  to  trouble  your  host  or  hostess 
with  all  your  petty  wants. 

Do  not  effusively  excuse  yourself  for  the  trouble  you  give 
them ;  but  if  you  should,  through  illness  or  other  cause,  occa- 
sion more  than  a  visitor  ordinarily  brings  to  a  household,  let 
the  gift,  which,  in  any  case,  you  would  make  to  the  servants 


THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME  371 

on  leaving  the  house,  be  somewhat  heavier  than  would  other- 
wise have  been  necessary. 

This  question  of  fees  to  servants  is  a  very  important  one. 
Many  people  are  disposed  to  regard  it  as  an  imposition  which 
is  tolerated  only  through  the  force  of  custom.  Others  view  it 
in  the  light  of  paying  for  an  extra  burden,  which  their  pres- 
ence has  laid  upon  the  servant's  shoulders.  The  latter  view, 
if  not  entirely  the  correct  one,  is,  at  least,  as  reasonable  as  the 
former,  and  a  generous  nature  will  probably  adopt  it.  The 
opposition  will  say,  "But  all  cannot  afford  to  make  these  pres- 
ents," and  "The  servants  are  hired  on  the  express  understand- 
ing that  they  will  have  to  serve  their  employer's  guests,  as 
part  of  the  work  they  are  engaged  to  do." 

The  truth  seems  to  be  that  circumstances  alter  cases.  Where 
a  visitor  stays  some  time  in  a  home,  and  adds  a  good  deal  to 
the  care  and  labor  of  those  employed  there,  it  is  only  fair 
that  a  gratuity  should  be  given  when  the  visitor  goes.  This 
should  not  be  taken  for  granted.  The  person  who  gives  no 
tip  violates  no  code  of  good  manners.  The  person  who  leaves 
something  in  the  hand  of  the  servant,  as  a  little  present,  will 
probably  be  more  popular  below  stairs,  and  will  be  more  af- 
fectionately welcomed  by  the  domestics  of  a  house  when  com- 
ing again,  than  the  conscientious  person  who  gives  nothing 
at  all. 

One  thing  should  never  be  forgotten,  that  servants  are  hu- 
man, and  that  it  is  extremely  boorish  to  receive  attentions 
from  them  without  an  adequate  expression  of  thanks.  For 
every  little  courtesy  and  attention  rendered  by  a  paid  em- 
ployee the  true  lady  and  the  true  gentleman  are  careful  to 
say,  "I  thank  you." 

Never  need  anyone  be  fearful  of  making  a  mistake  or  being 
socially  compromised  if  he  or  she  speak  pleasantly  and  gra.- 


372  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

ciously  to  the  maid  or  the  butler  who  has  done  something  to 
make  the  day  comfortable. 

Where  only  one  maid  is  employed  in  a  family  she  suffers 
intensely  from  loneliness  if  her  mistress  never  speaks  to  her 
except  to  give  an  order.  One  of  the  secrets  of  binding  the 
maid  to  the  mistress  firmly  is  found  just  here,  in  the  remem- 
brance that  the  maid  as  well  as  the  mistress  is  human. 

LIVING  AT  EASE 

One  open  secret  which  every  house-mother  in  the  land 
might  well  study  is  the  secret  of  living  at  ease  within  one's 
income,  and  with  a  margin  for  emergencies.  Undoubtedly 
the  manners  of  many  families  would  greatly  improve  if  there 
were  not  constant  anxiety  and  irritability  about  the  payment 
of  bills.  The  very  best  way  is  not  to  have  them.  In  an  ad- 
mirable article  which  appeared  recently  in  one  of  the  magazines 
a  thoughtful  writer  said : 

"For  the  aspiring  woman  to  bring  her  'higher  aims'  down 
to  the  limitation  of  the  amount  of  money  her  husband  has 
forthcoming,  compels  much  self-sacrifice,  often  serious,  pain- 
ful, bitter ;  for  mothers,  the  hardest  sort,  vicarious — the  sacri- 
fice of  some  dear,  pressing  interest  of  the  family  as  a  unit  or 
of  the  several  children.  But  the  gain  of  remaining  econom- 
ically true  in  this  position  is  always  great.  For  one  thing, 
liberty  is  secured — the  independence  of  soul  and  body  known 
never  by  the  man  or  woman  who  is  habitually  in  debt.  In 
this  connection  appears  the  reason  why  a  clear  religious  pur- 
pose is  in  the  beginning  necessary  if  the  problem  of  living 
within  one's  income  is  to  be  solved,  though  the  benefits  of 
this  method  of  going  about  the  problem  are  not  confined  to 
spiritual  advantages.  The  clear  head  and  the  stout  heart 
which  living  within  one's  income  insures,  as  compared  with 


THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME  373 

the  power  of  higher  education  or  the  refined  and  elevated 
society  possible  to  be  acquired  by  a  credit  system  tending  to 
insolvency,  provide  the  personal  forces  that  work  wonders  in 
getting  on  in  life.  So  that  having  an  income  which  in  hon- 
esty compels  us  to  deny  our  children  to-day  does  not  mean, 
therefore,  a  perpetual  limit  put  upon  the  good,  the  pleasant 
things  of  life.  It  means,  on  the  contrary,  provision  for  future 
enjoyment — nor  is  the  future  that  which  only  death  and 
heaven  are  to  realize  for  us.  Neither  need  women  fear  that 
having  first  of  all  regard  for  the  economic  necessities  is  to 
make  life  a  sordid  concern.  It  compels,  no  doubt,  stricter  and 
more  painful  attention  to  the  doing  of  mean  things,  and  less 
grandiloquent  assertion  of  how  these  should  be  done.  It  or- 
ders that  wives,  many  of  them,  should  cook  and  sew  at  home, 
instead  of  going  abroad  reading  papers  on  the  science  of  nutri- 
tion or  investigating  sweat-shops.  It  means  hard  work,  hard 
thinking — but  not  hard  hearts,  for  surely  nothing  on  earth 
so  hardens  the  heart,  so  dulls  the  mind  and  spirit,  of  man  or 
woman,  as  to  be  living  on  a  hundred-dollar  basis  with  only 
ninety-nine  cents  incoming  to  pay  the  bills.  It  seems  to  me 
that  one  result  of  the  so-called  'higher'  education  of  our  sex 
has  been  to  develop  our  intellects  at  the  expense  of  our  under- 
standing. While  we  are  absorbed  in  the  principles  of  many 
sciences,  the  particulars  of  mere  living  are  ignored,  and  for 
women  to  apply  their  reason  and  their  will  to  the  hard  fact 
of  the  money  problem  as  experienced  by  individual  fam- 
ilies is  to  reclaim  many  a  man  from  much  evil,  and  alto- 
gether to  increase  the  wealth  of  society  and  improve  its  moral 
tone." 

For  the  rest,  almost  the  whole  principle  which  lies  at  the 
foundation  of  happy  living  is  epitomized  in  the  little  poem  by 
Theodorus  Van  Wyke  which  I  discovered  in  a  box  in  my 


374  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

attic,  a  treasure-trove  of  some  newspaper,  and  with  which  I 
close  this  book: 

NONE  LJVETH  TO  HIMSELF 

"On  a  frail  little  stem  in  the  garden 

Hangs  a  beautiful  fragrant  rose. 
You  may  ask  me  why  it  hangs  there, 

And  the  answer  no  one  knows. 
But  it  sweetens  the  solemn  atmosphere, 

For  each  shaded,  penciled  leaf 
Is  admired  in  the  land  of  the  living, 

By  the  peasant,  king,,  or  chief. 
It  may  tell  you  as  it  greets  you, 

On  the  radiant  summer  morn, 
'I  am  here  to  win  a  smile 

Or  some  lonely  home  adorn.' 
For  though  the  world  be  blessed, 

With  its  share  of  joy  and  wealth, 
This  is  a  truth  forever: 

'None  liveth  to  himself.' 

"And  there  along  the  highway 

Stands  an  aged,  stately  tree. 
From  the  rays  of  the  summer  sun 

It  has  shaded  you  and  me. 
For  a  hundred  years  it  stood  there 

A  landmark  known  to  all, 
In  its  greatest  branches  birds  would  hide, 

In  the  tree  so  grand  and  tall. 
Yet  some  day  man  will  cut  it  down, 

And  the  lordly  ships  of  the  sea 
Will  crack  as  the  oak  is  tossed  about, 

The  oak  that  was  once  a  tree. 
'Twill  cross  the  ocean's  perilous  course, 

On  the  voyage  of  pleasure  and  fame, 
And  the  oak  can  tell  the  story, 

But  the  story'll  be  the  same. 


THE  QUEEN  OF  THE  HOME  375 

''And  the  little  stream  that  flows  away 

Down  to  the  ocean  beyond, 
Resembling  a  ribbon  of  silver, 

Or  a  glimmering  dress  it  has  donned, 
Says,  'I  was  born  up  in  the  mountain, 

But  there  I  could  do  no  good; 
So  I  hasten  to  water  the  valley, 

Where  the  cattle  are  grazing  for  food, 
And  there  I  will  also  drive  the  mill, 

That  man  may  profit  thereby, 
Performing  that  simple  duty 

Till  the  springs  of  the  woods  are  dry.' 
For  the  world  is  ever  teaching 

And  telling  the  story  each  day, 
That  each  must  live  for  the  other, 

None  is  passing  alone  this  way. 

"There  is  the  silent  star  that  hangs 

On  the  verge  of  a  beautiful  sky, 
How  it  glistens  through  desolate  regions  of  space, 

And  shall  we  reason  why? 
It  was  one  of  those  bright  and  beautiful  stars 

That  shone  at  the  creation, 
And  every  one  of  them  represents 

A  complete  and  measureless  nation. 
Could  they  but  speak  to  us  on  earth, 

And  we  their  journey  trace, 
They  would  tell  us  that  all  were  created  to  hold 

Each  one  in  Circuit  and  place ; 
And  they  whirl  in  the  orbits  again  and  again 

As  we  gaze  on  the  beautiful  sky. 
They  will  still  be  there  in  the  world  to  come, 

Whether  we  live  or  die. 

"And  thus  the  Creator  has  written 

On  the  flowers  that  grow  as  we  sleep, 
On  each  little  silent  and  lonely  shell, 

In  the  caverns  of  the  deep, 


376  GOOD  MANNERS  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS 

And  on  the  little  raindrops 

That  help  to  make  the  streams ; 
Upon  the  trees  from  which  we  cut 

The  vessel's  strongest  beams, 
That  the  lesson  of  life  is  often  told 

In  the  simplest  things  around. 
You  may  find  them  wherever  you  choose  to  look, 

Either  over  or  under  the  ground, 
And  we  turn  to  the  old  and  well-worn  book 

On  the  dusty  and  ancient  shelf, 
And  here  to  read  on  the  opened  page, 

'None  liveth  to  himself.' " 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

405  Hilgard  Avenue,  Los  Angeles,  CA  90024-1388 

Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


SEP 


